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Parenting

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Original poster

Is it okay to just leave toddler to get on with it sometimes?

40 replies

ExtremeCouponQueen · 11/08/2013 10:53

Dc1 is 21 months and my pfb. I am currently 39 weeks pg with dc2 and exhausted. Dh is away today and looking after toddler alone.

I a, normally very hands making sure we play, read, talk, sing together etc. but I'm just do tired. She's currently "wiping" the floor with wet wipes and entertaining herself, while I'm sat on the sofa with the iPad resting.

I feel guilty like I should be doing something with her....is this bad? I'm talking to her but can't summon the energy to do anything proactive/stimulating.

I'm taking her swimming this after so at least we're doing something t least I guess.

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extracrunchy · 11/08/2013 10:56

God I hope so...! DS has to potter on his own fairly regularly. I think it's good for them to learn to play on their own a bit.

pommedechocolat · 11/08/2013 10:56

Umm yes especially if you ever want to get any peace. It is our job to teach them how to deal with boredom.

How are you going to keep up your regime with her when you have a newborn?!

Eyesunderarock · 11/08/2013 10:57

Is she happily pottering?
Is she safe?
Let her get on with it, it is an important skill to learn. Not every minute needs to be an educational extravaganza, exploring independently, processing and thinking time is essential too.

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num3onway · 11/08/2013 10:58

Your dd needs to learn how to entertain herself, there is nothing wrong with letting them get on with it as long as they are safe!

daftdame · 11/08/2013 10:58

Sounds like you have a good mix there. Independent play is important too and that's just looking at it from the child's point of view.

As a parent (especially a pregnant one) it is also important you have rest.

I think 'quiet' time in the company of loved ones is quite natural and you want her to be able to entertain herself sometimes, especially when the new baby comes along.

maja00 · 11/08/2013 10:59

Constantly making sure you are playing, reading, talking and singing together sounds like a very bad idea to me! Cut it out now and let the child just be.

Eyesunderarock · 11/08/2013 10:59

It isn't neglect, or ignoring her or whatever you are thinking that is making you unsure.

Original poster

ExtremeCouponQueen · 11/08/2013 11:07

Thank you all. You're all right I know I just feel guilty at times,o I guess because I know I'll have even less time for her when the newborn arrives. Exhausted though.

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Sparklyboots · 11/08/2013 11:08

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! Apart from the side effect that you will stay sane/ awake, independent play is how she'll become, well, independent. If she always needs someone to take the lead and shape the games, you won't have done her any favours. With my PFB,my yardstick is his attitude - is he busy, engaged, even-tempered? He doesn't need me. Is he irritable, destructive, throwing stuff? Time to stop mnetting what you've doing and have some interaction. A good sofa based compromise is a rather inning commentary on what toddler is doing - this is how I did almost my entire toddler accompanied pregnancy ...

WillSingForCake · 11/08/2013 11:53

Oh god yes, I'm currently on mn whilst my 2 year old stuffs toys into the colander. We're both happy!

peppajay · 11/08/2013 11:56

Definitely the way to go my biggest patenting mistake was never letting them entertain themselves and now at 7 and 5 they have no idea how to self entertain. However you are made to feel guilty if you do nothing because when I did a parenting course the onus was on making sure you spent time with your children and you gave them At least 2 hours of your undivided attention a day but I think the course was aimed at parents who didn't interact with their children at all !

Original poster

ExtremeCouponQueen · 11/08/2013 13:13

That's exactly it peppa it's the guilt - feeling guilty for not spending enough quality time together, and guilty for not letting them learn to become independent.

Dc1 goes to nursery PT so must entertain herself there.

OP posts:

teacher123 · 11/08/2013 13:32

Children need to learn to entertain themselves, DS plays quite happily in the living room with his toys or potters around the garden as long as I am in sight.

daftdame · 11/08/2013 13:50

I have an old household manual circa 1940 which puts aside just half an hour a day for playing with baby of about 1year, the rest of the time is filled with housework and grocery shopping. The other part of the time the baby is put outside in pram or has a nap or is put in a play pen. I bet you do much more than that! Not all the babies turned out traumatised either but it just shows how 'expert' views change.

maja00 · 11/08/2013 14:39

I work in a nursery and the children who are never left alone at home are very noticeable! While the other kids are building train tracks or playing dollies together, there are always a couple trailing adults asking them to read another story/set up the duplo for them/do a puzzle. Some kids literally cannot play without being directed by an adult.

ouryve · 11/08/2013 14:41

Of course it is! It's essential, in fact.

And I recommend your sort out a few bags of fun things for her to play with independently while you're occupied with the new baby. It will be a sanity saver.

fuzzpig · 11/08/2013 14:50

Absolutely! As long as they are safe. It is important to just let children be, to direct their own play rather than needing constant direction from an adult.

The popular idea that the early years should be an endless stream of baking and painting with mummy is a harmful, unnecessary-guilt-inducing fallacy IMO.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 11/08/2013 14:52

Of course its fine. I actively encouraged my DD to play by herself from a young age as I knew she was going to be an only child so it was important for her to learn to entertain herself. Plus I get tired very easily, so constantly entertaining her would most likely kill me

bigkidsdidit · 11/08/2013 15:01

I read in Wifework that a full time working mother now spends more time interacting with her children than a SAHM in the 50s (fewer children, much less housework, no cooking of three course meals). It's amazing how our expectations of this have changed. Personally I think it's just the latest way the patriachy are making women feel bad about themselves, setting up yet more impossible standards, but that's another thread!

chattychattyboomba · 11/08/2013 15:02

DD started playing on her own around this age. It's not only 'ok' it's actually essential to their development.
She is 27 months now and she potters around, occasionally asking me to 'come play mummy!' But understand now if I say, 'in a minute' or 'just wait darling' etc...
I take time out between cleaning etc to read her a book or get involved in Lego/play dough etc, but if I am not being hands on I am constantly responding to her or just commenting on what she is doing...(eg 'wow! Beautiful picture darling! What is it?) etc
I still struggle with the guilt but I need some time to myself or i get really frustrated and stressed and generally impatient with her as I feel 'trapped'. Horrible way to put it but it's not easy being an individual person suddenly thrust into having to be constantly engaging and entertaining. We all need a bit of a break (even those who are not heavily pregnant!)

bigkidsdidit · 11/08/2013 15:04

Btw my 2.5yo is currently trying to pick up all his toy cars with the kitchen tongs. I am on the iPad doing important mummy things

missrose · 11/08/2013 15:22

Last week I went to a new friend's house for the first time so our toddlers could play together. This mum literally followed her daughter around suggesting what to play with, how to play with, what to play with next. I thought, 'Can't we just sit down and have a sodding cup of tea!' It was exhausting!

To be fair to her though, she has the one child whereas I have the toddler and a very clingy six month old.

I realised that I pretty much leave my DD to get on with it and she is really happy with it. If she's bored I suggest something, read with her, get the paints out, bake a cake, go out but generally she directs her play. I don't understand how their imagination would develop if you don't give them free rein to do this.

CreatureRetorts · 11/08/2013 15:24

My dd is like this.

Only with stuff she really shouldn't be playing with

Original poster

ExtremeCouponQueen · 11/08/2013 16:43

Okay you've all made me feel a lot better :-) she's plaing with a tea set with the cat now while I'm sat on the sofa. Feedback from nursery is that she plays very well with peers so I guess I shouldn't feel guilty.

I've just started.p mat leave from working FT so maybe some of it is left over guilt from not seeing her mon-fri and then over compensating on the weekend.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 11/08/2013 16:59

You're 39 weeks pregnant! Don't take her swimming today when your husband is away - I gave birth to DC2 24 hours later after I tried that at exactly the same stage...

(but just about to post this and thinking you may have already been swimming!)

Anyway, don't feel guilty. Pottering is good for them, and resting up is definitely good for you. And you will have loads of time with her now you're on ML (even though there will be days when you'll feel like the quality leaves a bit to be desired!). When she gets bored of playing on her own you will know about it, and until then just appreciate that she's otherwise occupied.

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