What threats do you use if you've counted to 3 and the action hasn't happened?

[bountyicecream]

Dd 2.9 is generally good but occasionally is testing the boundaries and either refuses to do as asked or doesn't stop doing what she's not allowed to do ( sometimes laughing while she does it!)

I usually count to 3 and often that is enough for her to do it.

But I've realised I don't have many threats in place for when I do get to 3. It happened today and so I said there'll be no pudding tonight which didn't seem to fuss her much although she did ask for some after tea but easily accepting.

I've tried saying we won't come here (eg the swings) next week but don't think she really has a concept of time so it doesn't help.

No bedtime story doesn't bother her.

We don't have sweets or biscuits often and don't really want to offer these as an incentive.

The naughty step doesn't work much. She laughs a lot on it and then usually tries to lie back with her yes shut sucking her thumb. When she's messing around at bedtime I think this is actually playing into her hand as it is simply delaying bedtime.

When it happens when we're out it's often as we're leaving so threatening to go straight home doesn't work either.

I need some super threats that have worked on your nearly 3 year olds please :)

3 1/4

3 1/2

3 3/4

Give up

I would keep to the positive as much as possible, rather than the negative. e.g. 'When you have finished your dinner you can have pudding', 'when you get off the swing you can.........' or distraction as in 'time to go, race you to the ......... ' so that it is more interesting than the swing.
The carrot rather than the stick.

I would keep to the positive as much as possible, rather than the negative. e.g. 'When you have finished your dinner you can have pudding', 'when you get off the swing you can.........' or distraction as in 'time to go, race you to the ......... ' so that it is more interesting than the swing.
The carrot rather than the stick.

I would keep to the positive as much as possible, rather than the negative. e.g. 'When you have finished your dinner you can have pudding', 'when you get off the swing you can.........' or distraction as in 'time to go, race you to the ......... ' so that it is more interesting than the swing.
The carrot rather than the stick.

I threaten to confiscate favourite toy, it does work as have followed through many times.

Sorry about the three posts- don't know why it happened!

When the kids were little, if I got to three they lost their cbeebies for the day (they used to watch balamory while i made tea).
Now they're older, if I ever get to three (yep, it still works for us!) they lose all screen time for the rest of the day. TV, laptop, mobile, the lot. :o

Every single time the same, consistency is the key.

1
2
2 1/2
2 and a big bit
3
Ok naughty step for 1 min
If dont sit on naughty step for a minute they get an extra minute (with me sitting next to them making me stay there)
See - you could have got off by now,

Works a treat....

I warn mine that the yelling will start in 3..... 2...... 1....... though I'm a little slower with the count and will pause to remind the 5yo what it is she needs to do before I get to 1 than with the 8yo!

Our other threat is toys/books taken away if they're behaving badly or to go into the Mummy Box if they aren't tidying away what they have been asked to tidy (the Mummy Box is a big plastic tub where items not tidied before the deadline go and they have to earn them back with chores).

I perfected a really scary but sad and disappointed voice which meant that I never got beyond 2 and a half. Had no idea what I'd've done if I had had to go further, but the Dds assure me "the counting" was so scary they wouldn't have dared let me get to 3. It's all in the tone and eye contact apparently.
I can still freak out Dd1 who is almost 20 by just saying "one..."

I definitely go slower from 2 to 3

No tv wouldn't bother her but no iPad songs might.

She doesn't have a real favourite toy. Different things did days and I suspect if I removed one ahe'd just play with something else.

Stealth - do you have to physically hold your child onto the naughty step? Otherwise I could be there for 30 mims or more. Maybe I should be?!?

I do try to be positive. But today when she was throwing stones there isn't really positives to be had. I like the race you to the car idea for leaving places

When mine were little it went 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and if they hadnt done whatever it was they were supposed to, they got tickled. Worked perfectly

Mine usually lose screen time.

But I want to have a scary voice like Midnight!

Annie - a mummy box is genius! I've never heard of it before. She does have favourite books at the moment so they could def go in the mummy box.

She does ask me if I'm upset after an altercation and also if we're still friends. I'm not sure how to answer that. By this time she usually has said sorry (although I'm not always certain she really means it!). So I'm not sure if we should be friends at that point or whether I should say i love you but we're not friends.

I don't have a scary voice. If I try stern voice and expression she gets the biggest fit of giggles so I've come to the understanding that I'm really not scary

I have always kept it relevant to what we're doing right now. E.g. 'I'm going to count to 3 and if you don't come with me then you're going in the pushchair' (if out and about), or 'I'm going to pick you up and carry you' (if refusing to go somewhere/leave park). This has the advantage of proving to them while small that you really do mean it, whilst not actually being that onerous for you to carry out

Mine are 5 and 2, btw. I think when they're very small that they don't have much concept of time, or very long memories, so find it hard to make the connection between a threat being made at the time of transgression and then carried out some time later. Or maybe I'm just too soft (likely). 123 still works for me though, even with mischief monster 2yo dd.

Depends what it's about. I agree try to use positive phrasing and show her what you actually want, so instead of "Don't ..." or "Stop..." then it's best to phrase it positively like "Stay on the pavement" "Give mummy the scissors" "Pens are only for paper" etc etc. If she's doing something you don't like try to redirect her into doing it in an acceptable way.

For me at that age threats were only when they were seriously needed for safety or to prevent damage to property or people, and they're not really "threats" as such more just upholding a boundary. So if you cannot walk sensibly by a road, you must hold hands. If you cannot hold hands sensibly then you go into the pushchair, for everybody's safety (and stress levels!). If I cannot trust you with books/pens/hard toys/fragile things then those particular toys go away and only come out under close supervision. If you are playing with your food rather than eating it, It gets taken away (either until you are ready to eat properly, or discarded, but no food until the next meal or snack time). If you are getting so overwhelmed by a situation that you are lashing out, then you get removed from the situation to a safe space to calm down. I will listen to requests when you ask nicely rather than screaming or whining. - etc etc if you see what I mean?

Starting at 3 I would say that DS did start to show the proper boundary pushing behaviours, where I would ask positively or show him an alternative but he would just refuse to co-operate, doing stuff he's been specifically asked not to do like get on my bed and push all the blankets and pillows around the room, and increasing violence towards me and general rudeness/lack of respect to an extreme level. I basically did nothing about this until he was 4 and I wish I had done earlier - I just kept hoping he would grow out of it.

Anyway I try to stick to the logical consequences of boundary pushing but for some things there just is no direct link, or I am getting wound up and know I will end up shouting/screaming which does absolutely nothing except for to escalate the situation and end up with me feeling like a failure. So for this I have started banning TV, and I usually do the counting to 3 to give him a chance to back down rather than immediately reacting/retaliating. It works for us because I can ban it for a short period to make a point, like half an hour, but for serious offences it's longer and also I can add time to it if he carries on. Plus there is no direct conflict required - I just turn it off at the plug which he can't reach, or take the batteries out of the remote. So far he's always managed to stop short of bedtime and it's never carried on through to the next day but potentially it is infinite. But generally what I like about it is it isn't some greatly fearful prospect. It's just annoying enough to him to make the point, and slowly, it is helping!

The only other thing I do is if he is up after bedtime and keeps coming downstairs I threaten to come up and take 1 toy out of his room and put it in a (high) cupboard if he does not get back to his room by the time I count to 3. This is better for bedtimes because it's more immediate than saying he will lose TV tomorrow.

Lol! DP always tells me to use my "dog voice"! I have never owned a dog in my life. I am not in possession of a dog voice!

I struggle with "ultimate sanctions" for when we are out. I am intending to try taking him out of the park/cafe/wherever until he can actually behave but I find that hard at the moment. Usually because it just sort of redirects his silliness into a different setting. I usually end up resorting to bribery, which often doesn't work and then when you've already withdrawn the treat there is nothing left. I don't want him to think he can get out of boring shopping trips etc by playing up so taking him home isn't an option in my book!

I would love to be the kind of parent who never ever has to impose an unrelated/arbitrary punishment but I just have no idea what you are supposed to do for rudeness and general lack of respect (and I'm not expecting any great and mighty respect from him, basic human respect like he shows other people would be fine ) I had noticed though that his behaviour is the most reliable in areas where I have always been really consistent and predictable, like the walking near roads, and me sitting with him/reading stories at bedtime. So I think he is just the kind of child who feels more secure when they know exactly what will happen whichever way he chooses to behave.

Yoni - yes I see what you mean about an immediate punishment. Maybe tv will become more of a thing for her as she gets older. I certainly don't want to use major punishments for fairly small acts of naughtiness but at the same time I don't want her thinking she can ignore what I ask of her and nothing happens.

Sigh - I have resorted to 'carrying like a baby'. Sometimes this gets her to walk sometimes she seems quite happy to be carried! Then I'm not sure whether she's got the message of needing to do as asked if she's quite happy with the outcome of being carried. Or maybe it doesn't matter over a fairly minor transgression?

I own a dog but still don't have a dog voice

In my experience at that age there is no point imposing a punishment for down the line - they're just not able to associate the immediate want (to throw stones) with a future action/event/punishment. You either have to go with an immediate removal/confiscation related to the bad behaviour (eg "if you don't stop throwing your blocks I'm taking them all away") or you have to remove and/or distract the DC.

Now DS is 4, I find 1, 2, 3 works best if I want him to do something eg getting himself dressed but if I want him to stop a bad behaviour then I ask him once and say "if you don't do as I have asked I will ...". I figure if behaviour is unacceptable then it needs to stop immediately - using 1, 2, 3 just gives him licence to carry on doing it for a while IYSWIM.

It still works best with threats that can be implemented immediately but he does now understand the idea of missing out on something. Being consistent and making sure it happens not forgetting what I threatened is the key there

As to what you can threaten I think you have to tailor it to the situation and the child when they're young. For DS it is usually no iPad games, me leaving him on his own to do something (eg to get dressed while I help DD instead of watch him and say how clever he is), no custard (he's an addict) or the cancellation of something he is looking forward to. For DD it would be no raspberries or taking away a favourite toy (even though she has lots of favourites she always seems to want the one I've taken, presumably simple because she cannot have it).

Again though you have to be consistent and carry through, so never threaten something you don't want to do! Friend once went berserk at her DP because he said "right no TV for a month" which 1. obviously wasn't going to be carried through 2. DC had no concept of how long that was 3. she gives them 20mins in the early evening while she prepares tea in peace

If you're trying the 123 magic approach, then the consequence needs to be immediate. Witholding pud several hours later has no immediate impact and then just isses her off later, when she can't remember why.

If she's, ooh, (for surrealism but perfectly normal in our house's sake) pulling hairs out of her favourite teddy and shoving them behind the sofa you need to make it clear what's going wrong and what you'll do if it doesn't change "if you can't play nicely with your bear without destroying it then I'll have to put it away somewhere safe." Then you start the counting. If you get to 3, then bear goes on holiday, up a height, for a while.

Time out works well for DD (3). I think it is a good way because it is immediate, and because it gives her an opportunity to calm down (whereas taking or threatening to take something away can just set her off further!).

I do it for 2 minutes. I do it the way Jo Frost does, I guess! I tell her to sit down, then get down to her level and say "you're going to have a time out because xyz. I will tell you when you're done" I start counting - I used to count aloud the whole way, but now I count the first few numbers - 1, 2, 3 - and then if she starts fidgeting partway through I loudly say a few random numbers - 56, 57, 58 - and that usually settles her down again. If she resists or gets up, I start over. In theory, I am prepared to start over as many times as it takes, but so far have only ever had to do it three times. Maybe this is because we started doing it when she was quite young and did it every time - so she is just used to it? I think if you try it again now, you might have to suffer through a lot of false starts before it clicks with your DD, but it might be worth it in the long run...

I do it exactly the same way every time, and I do it on the spot, no matter where we are (if in a shop, I take her outside and have her do it on the pavement!). It can be a little embarrassing, I guess, but mostly I feel like I am less embarrassed to have people see me doing something about it than I am to have them see her throwing a tantrum.

I once had to give her three separate time outs at one lunchtime. Mostly, though, she seems to see a time out as somehow being 'shamed' - a lot of times, the threat of a time out is enough to cut the behaviour short right there.

And we always do the end - "why did you have a time out?" - then "can you tell me you're sorry?" - and a hug and a kiss and then drop the whole issue. I never try and remind her of it later, or report to other people how naughty she's been - once we're done with time out, we're done - clean slate.

isses her off? I'm not from netmums. Honest!

Also, i hate using withdrawal of food as punishments. Food is too emotive, if not now, then in the long term.

My son went through a phase of asking if we were friends afterwards, my stock response was "I will love you always but I don't like what you did and if you keep doing it then I will be sad/cross". On a couple of occasions when he was really naughty (generally violence to little sister) I said that the naughty thing he had done had made me not want to be his friend for a while, but now he had stopped and wasn't going to do it anymore then I was his friend again.