What threats do you use if you've counted to 3 and the action hasn't happened?

[bountyicecream]

Dd 2.9 is generally good but occasionally is testing the boundaries and either refuses to do as asked or doesn't stop doing what she's not allowed to do ( sometimes laughing while she does it!)

I usually count to 3 and often that is enough for her to do it.

But I've realised I don't have many threats in place for when I do get to 3. It happened today and so I said there'll be no pudding tonight which didn't seem to fuss her much although she did ask for some after tea but easily accepting.

I've tried saying we won't come here (eg the swings) next week but don't think she really has a concept of time so it doesn't help.

No bedtime story doesn't bother her.

We don't have sweets or biscuits often and don't really want to offer these as an incentive.

The naughty step doesn't work much. She laughs a lot on it and then usually tries to lie back with her yes shut sucking her thumb. When she's messing around at bedtime I think this is actually playing into her hand as it is simply delaying bedtime.

When it happens when we're out it's often as we're leaving so threatening to go straight home doesn't work either.

I need some super threats that have worked on your nearly 3 year olds please :)

Ouryve. I do agree but that was what came into my head at the time. And why I'm trying to store up other options now in advance

Brdgrl - time out with my dd goes like this. She sits down. Tries to stand up and laughs. So I start again. Rpt a few times. Then I physically hold her on the spot and she either cries (which I ignore as I think she's getting the message) or more often or not she lies down with her eyes shut sucking a thumb not looking the slightest bit bothered. Is this still working do you think? It seems to distract her from what she was doing but I'm not sure it teaches her that she ought to do as she's told

Also meant to say that time out is the tried and (repeatedly) tested general consequence if there is nothing more directly related to the 'crime'.

Good response fofee

"I don't want her thinking she can ignore what I ask of her and nothing happens."

You will find different people have different ideas on this. I don't think it's helpful (personally) to expect total, immediate obedience. I would like DS to be co-operative and helpful, but not a doormat. He does have slightly doormat tendencies when it comes to other children (he is getting better!) so I am cautious to avoid this. Obviously the temperament of your child is going to make a difference.

Sometimes just changing the way you ask helps. I found that if I said "Please could you hold my hand" or "You need to hold my hand now" DS would always say no, but if I said "Please can I hold your hand?" he was always so pleased to be asked that he said yes! This was when he was younger, though. Now he's almost 5 so doesn't need to hold hands in most cases but if we're crossing a very busy road I will insist.

Managing their expectations is good, warning in advance of what is going to happen and speaking in an age appropriate way. Saying "We're leaving the park in five minutes" is useless to a small child who doesn't know how to tell the time. Instead saying "We have to go soon - you have time to go on 3 more things, what would you like to do?" then they understand that after 3 more goes on the slide, or 2 slides and 1 swing or whatever, that they have to go and they will usually come quite happily. Races are really good for things like putting shoes on and tidying up. Either trying to beat you, or beat a timer. (Also great for potty training - only way we got DS to admit he needed a wee was for one of us to suddenly need one and hope loudly that nobody else got to the toilet first - immediate response!) Apparently it's not a good idea to race siblings against each other though as it encourages competition rather than co-operation which is more likely to encourage rivalry than friendship - always make them feel like they are on the same team!

In general I enforce things which break one of the three principles - respect for people (and animals), respect for property, respect for resources. If it's not threatening any of those I'm happy to negotiate or let it go and just sort of trust that he'll get there in his own time and his own way.

With dd and dn they'd get the count of 3 then sit at the top of the hallway (lived in flats at the times) now with ds he gets the count of three then on the stairs. Not for any length of time just so he's sitting down and we can calm him for a second to Explain that standing on the laptop/stealing specs/throwing phones and remotes whilst running Wild and screaming either with laughter or dementedness Isn't on he's only almost 2 so it isn't always great!

I do think most naughtiness ATM is when she's tired hence the thumb suckin eyes shut I think

She's definitely no doormat but I take your point that she needs to make choices for herself rather than always follow robot style

I find she is constantly just pushing the boundaries. So 3 more go on the swings she'll try to negotiate to 4. If I agree then she leaves happily. If I say no 3 then there may be a melt down. Only tonight I said choose 1 bedtime book and she said 2 please. I gave into this as I wanted a quick bedtime. Should I refuse to negotiate on these things. She doesn't always kick off if I say no 1 book but there is always the chance she might. And once I've said no only 1 book I wouldn't back down and tonight I couldn't face the possibility of a battle

I don't like time out. Possibly because I lack the patience to repeat and restart a million times, and also because it can turn into a physical battle to get them to stay there which to me is counterproductive.

I do agree with removing a child from a situation they are not coping with very well, and I think if time out is used as a constructive way to teach them how to take a moment to cool down, or if everyone just needs some space from each other then yes it is invaluable. But I don't like it used as a punishment for arbitrary things, personally.

Yoni, I found exactly the same re hand-holding! And definitely agree to the expectation management style.

Your three principles also wonderfully sum up the approach I have never quite been able to articulate to DH, who is slightly less tolerant of mess/dawdling etc than I am

Well personally... I would say no, it's not wrong to negotiate. Negotiation is a good skill to learn and it doesn't sound like she's continuing to push it, like once you agree to 4 she asks for 5, 6, 7 etc. I would say if the request is reasonable, it gets granted, if it keeps being pushed, then stick firm to your limit. (Perhaps back down to the original one?) Or if there is a reason e.g. you need to get home quickly then say no, we only have time for 3 today because of X. But next time we can have four.

bounty, yes, DD's worst naughtiness is always when she is tired, too.

more often or not she lies down with her eyes shut sucking a thumb not looking the slightest bit bothered. Is this still working do you think? It seems to distract her from what she was doing but I'm not sure it teaches her that she ought to do as she's told
The way I see it, and especially if I know it is happening out of tiredness, I just want to get DD calm again and ready to move on. As she gets older, I think it will help her learn to do as she's told, definitely, but at this point - if it just gives her the peace and space to 'pull herself together', and it puts a stop to the immediate behaviour, that's enough for me. It avoids things just getting worse and worse. So I guess I think if you are able to get your DD to calm down, at least, that's a win!

Getting her to tell me why she's had the time out does help her understand what it is I expect from her, I think. So in the long run, she is learning about consequences.

My internet is really slow tonight. I apologise for all of the X-posts!

FoFee I got it off another website but I think it's perfect. BTW, mess and dawdling do come under these too - if the mess serves to damage property or is wasting resources then it's not okay. If dawdling is making you late for something, also not okay (you're letting someone down ie not showing respect for that person). But sometimes it's fine to make a mess which can be easily cleaned up later, and sometimes it's fun to let the journey be just as much a part of an outing as the outing itself. Both of these are great for adults too, to detach a bit and be able to see the world from a child's perspective every once in a while.

Thanks everyone for some really helpful replies. I feel a bit braver for tomorrow now. My h is often quite critical of my parenting (notin front of dd) and its knocked my confidence a bit. Am off to sleep now.

Yoni - exactly! I have no problem with them piling all their toys up on the sofa to "save them from a flood" as it takes 5 mins for them us to put away but keeps them happy and cooperating together for 45.

But when we get into the 45th minute of trying to get dressed because they are still running around with their pants on their heads I have been known to issue the odd ultimatum!

:( That's sad to hear your DH is not supportive. I bet he is not perfect himself! You sound like a great mum who is really trying to do the best for her DD - the most important part is to have confidence in yourself and usually they will follow. If you feel anxious or feel unsure or unnatural doing something, it's not going to work - they can sense it! I'm sure this is 99% of why such totally opposite techniques work for different parents.

Although sometimes "fake it till you make it" does work I think what I'm saying is, do what is right for YOU, there is no one "right way" to parent, short of abuse or neglect, most children seem to grow up all right whether they were supernannied or skipped along the meadow of hippie parenting or anything in between.

Thanks. Really do need to sleep now!

Bounty, you sound like a lovely and incredibly sensible Mum.

Everyone has different boundaries and levels of behaviour they will accept from their children (even between partners). And most people use a mixture of different 'behaviour management' techniques which suit them.

My DH works full-time and I think he subconsciously retains a business mind set whereby he expects to be interacting with mature, rational beings, which the DC are not. He can come across as very critical when he asks why such and such has not happened/isn't the way he expected it. Therefore, I constantly have to manage his expectations as to how much I can 'control' the DC's behaviour and how tidy/calm/cooperative they will be as a result.

The key thing (I am told ) is to be consistent. It really is true that the more you do it the easier it gets, they learn how you expect them to behave and know to expect what will happen if they don't.

Just to give a random perspective- I'm a teacher and train new teachers on managing behaviour.

I always say that it doesn't matter which 'system' they choose (as long as it's fair and fits with school policy!) as long as they apply it utterly consistently.

No chopping and changing every couple of weeks - pick whatever you believe in, stick with it and follow through so everyone knows what to expect!