Please help.....horrible night with 7 yr old DD.

[Lagoonablue]

What can we do differently? DD is 7 and v challenging. Behaves like a stroppy teenager rather than a 7 year old. Never knows when to stop arguing, challenges every decision, has a horrible temper and behaves very entitled.

We have had a difficult week with her. Tonight was the worst. Am very upset. Argument started when i mentioned that I had forgotten to buy her new school bag. Demands I go and get one there and then, what a horrible parent I am etc. try to calmly tell her to be quiet, give her a warning and anything further will mean straight to bed. But she keeps on answering back. So tell her to go to bed, I follow her out of room, she slams door on me. So stupidly I then lose my temper and really shout at her, tell her she is behaving badly and is a spoilt brat. ( yes I know this is horrible and wrong). She runs at me and hits me twice on the arm and it hurt. Then she went into total meltdown and had to be literally dragged into her room by DH.

God I don't want this. She just goes on and on til she pushes us over the edge. We try consequences. Confiscation of her favourite toys, it has no,lasting effect. She just loses her temper so easily and won't shut up. Just goes on and on.....

Am so depressed. What can I do?

Anyone? Feeling a bit desperate......

:(

I don't have a seven year old (oldest is nearly 4) but didn't want your post to go unanswered. It sounds like she is testing the boundaries. As hard as it sounds, I would absolutely ignore the rudeness. Don't lost your temper with her. She's losing her temper exactly as you are - do try and stay calm. Go outside and shout. Shouting at her just escalates things (as you've seen!)

You need to try not to engage.

"I am not talking to you while you are behaving like that
Then nothing more.

And yes it's easier said than done!
If she won't go to her room, then I would leave the room she is in.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It's heart breaking to feel at war with your child.

How long has this been going on for? What's she like at school and with friends and siblings? Is she as rude to your DH?

Thanks so much for replies.

Behaviour at school and with friends etc is great. People comment on how well behaved she is! At war more with me than DH but he gets it too

I know I shouldn't shout and hate myself for it.

We have a DS who is 3. He demands alot of attention. She didn't take well to him when he was born but this seems to have settled down. Could it still be sibling displacement?

Will try to ignore.

Do not engage, do not argue, tell her that she will be using last years school bag until her behaviour actually warrants treats.

I read your op a couple of times and wanted to suggest perhaps when she first started moaning about the bag etc, could you have said 'you sound really annoyed with me about that, come and tell me what's up'. I know it sounds like she was being really rude moaning when you had tried, but she is only seven and the brain to mouth filter is not very mature!

Then if she had a big moan, you could explain that you feel really upset she has only looked at what you forgot to do and didn't notice all the things you did do for her. You could also talk about why she is so worried about getting it right now, when tomorrow will be fine surely?

Perhaps giving her chance to say her piece, with you not reacting, then you explaining your side, might work better than just telling her off straight away. It does sound like it escalated very quickly.

Is there any background stuff, stress at school, anything like that?

Thanks. No stress as far as I know. She is negotiating lots of friendship stuff like lots of 7 yr olds but seems happy with friends and at school.

Still wondering about her brother.

Will really try the strategies you all suggest. Thankyou so much for taking the time to help.

It's so hard when you're at the end of your tether. I've shouted at mine, I've made situations worse and I've felt like lying on the floor in a sorry heap. Don't beat yourself up. Parenting is a marathon not a sprint.

It could be sibling jealousy or watching toddler tantrums in her younger sibling.

She knows how to behave - she's just stuck in a rut with you for whatever reason. Do you ever get those lovely moments when she's your lovely DD and you two feel close?

Mine still stops at : I am going to count to 3!!!!!
Perhaps she's tired? Bored?
My first instinct was to take a tesco bag and give it to her: for your behaviour just now, this is going to be your school bag till you apologise. End of discussion.

Sometimes we getbthose moments. Keep thinking of Oliver James and his suggestion of resetting the emotional thermostat.

Lagoon - will watch with interest. I have one the same.

I have found that she needs more sleep, rest time and good food than she realises. She fights us like mad on all of these but we really pay the price for late nights, too many treats and too much time doing things away from home/too much activity and not enough time just playing.

This probably won't work for you but I did get very hard with her last year and basically stopped doing anything she made a real nasty fuss about. For example, with the bag I would have calmly told her that I would never get it if she didn't stop making a fuss. And I wouldn't even if it meant she took a carrier bag to school. I started to follow through on all threats - even ones like taking her out to clubs in her night clothes if she didn't get dressed on time, letting her go hungry if she refused all breakfasts, selling her toy after she threw it at me etc. It was really really hard and at times I was locked in the loo crying.

But it worked a treat. Although still very stroppy and more challenging than my other dc, she is a lot better than she was. Now she thinks twice in the middle of a storm when i say 'calm down or else ......'.

It is hard - you have my sympathies.

I suspect her brother will have something to do with it too. I know their ages are different but you do treat them as fairly as possible and avoid comparisons? Also avoid making dd out as the big sister, she should know better etc etc?

I agree with Frog. I don't think there's anything wrong with being firm, fair etc. have you read Calmer, Happier parenting - can't remember who it's by .... I didn't follow it to the letter as DS is quite an easy child. But I'm going to re read for DD as I find her very challenging and get quite upset and anxious trying to deal with her.

Please don't feel bad. I have an almost 9 year old who has her moments and I know how hard it is!

I think Creature has a point too. My oldest dd reckons that she feels we treat her as if she is the mature one, should know better, responsible, etc. She reckons we cuddle the younger ones more, help them more with things etc. That can make them feel bitter and upset - your dd may be feeling a little of that since the younger sibling came along.

We have tried to consciously divide our cuddles, etc up fairly and give special time to all. Its very hard though.

My 8 year old behaves badly around his younger sibling (3 year old) too.

Feeling better after your replies and suggestions. Will chase up,that book and consider things a bit more. I do expect more from her as a big sister.......that is probably relevant. Need to rethink that.

Maybe worth trying lovebombing.

Yes it is so easy to put pressure on to be 'the grown up one' without realising, easy done.

It is very nice that you are thinking so hard about her.

I have a nearly 9 year old DS who is being 'testing' at the moment. Totally over reacting to things, meltdown and then wanting cuddles.

I'm trying to remain calm and talking everything through with him. I think the cuddles are because he's realised how ridiculous his over reactions were.

His Dad just freaks out and threatens to smack (over my dead body ) him or remove stuff from him. Which is as helpful as a headache, and just makes the whole situation worse. Thankfully I'm usually on my own with the kids and my way is slowly working bloody hard work though

My advice is keep your head, demand respect and talk talk talk

I remember several conversations with a work colleague who was the eldest by about 4/5 years and she was still bitter at the age of 50 that her parents called her the big girl and she would know better and could look after her baby sister. This colleague complained that she always thought "but who will look after me!". Fair point!