Please help.....horrible night with 7 yr old DD.

[Lagoonablue]

What can we do differently? DD is 7 and v challenging. Behaves like a stroppy teenager rather than a 7 year old. Never knows when to stop arguing, challenges every decision, has a horrible temper and behaves very entitled.

We have had a difficult week with her. Tonight was the worst. Am very upset. Argument started when i mentioned that I had forgotten to buy her new school bag. Demands I go and get one there and then, what a horrible parent I am etc. try to calmly tell her to be quiet, give her a warning and anything further will mean straight to bed. But she keeps on answering back. So tell her to go to bed, I follow her out of room, she slams door on me. So stupidly I then lose my temper and really shout at her, tell her she is behaving badly and is a spoilt brat. ( yes I know this is horrible and wrong). She runs at me and hits me twice on the arm and it hurt. Then she went into total meltdown and had to be literally dragged into her room by DH.

God I don't want this. She just goes on and on til she pushes us over the edge. We try consequences. Confiscation of her favourite toys, it has no,lasting effect. She just loses her temper so easily and won't shut up. Just goes on and on.....

Am so depressed. What can I do?

Thanks. Feeling better this morning. Lets hope today runs a bit more smoothly!

I think BeesGoBuzzzz's idea is very sound. Trouble is, it's extremely difficult to carry out when you yourself are in emotional turmoil because of the whole situation. Each outburst is influenced by the fact that it comes on the back of a previous one, and your reactions (and hers) have become pre-programmed.

Sometimes it can help to calmly remove yourself from the situation: "I'm upset by your attitude, I want to listen to you and give your feelings the attention they deserve, but I can't do it when I'm so upset. So I'm going to give myself a chance to calm down, and then we'll talk properly. OK my love?" Then you peacefully leave the room if she does mot. It models the behaviour you want from her, and gives you a chance to work out how to address the situation without rage.

I think children often behave well at school but appallingly at home both because misbehaviour is untolerated at school but they get say with it at home, and because the consistent regime at school is very stabilising. But a child may find it very hard work to behave well for six straight hours, so they burst at the seams when they get home.

Love-bombing is also very important. If she secretly resents being the older one, then she needs reassurance that she is still loved for who she is, and doesn't have to meet a different standard just because she has a little brother. We have three (eldest is 12) and we each try to take each one of them away (for an hour or a weekend, whatever we can manage) to spend some one-on-one time with them. We also often just go and sit down next to any one of them, undemanding, maybe stroke their head, maybe read my own book while they read theirs, maybe show interest in what they're doing, just drop a random kiss. Just show that we love them without expecting anything else.

Yes, discipline and consistency are important. But the best discipline is carried out calmly, and if things have broken so badly that the parent recognises that they are loosing it, then it not discipline any more but mutual temper tantrums and power struggles. I am not judging or criticising in Amy way. We've all been here - or will be.

Sorry for typos - iPhone in bed - such luxury only possible be ause dh has taken younger two away for the weekend and I'm getting1-2-1 with eldest. Who wants a lie-in

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread and it might have been suggested already, but I have a pdf version of 123 magic, which we've found really helpful. PM me your email address if you'd like it. :)

tough one. 7 is SO young to be behaving so fearlessly and i think the hitting you needs some serious (although cool headed) consequences.

they say that the worst age to be when the second child comes along is around the 3 mark. apparently hell hath no fury like a child of that age whose ego has to cope with another baby. so it may be worth reading around that.

thing is whatever the reason it is totally unacceptable behaviour and i don't see how you can just ignore a child talking to and treating you like that tbh. no you shouldn't have shouted but we all do occasionally and in the face of behaviour like that i think i would have shouted or been too shocked to speak.

today is calm talking about it and laying down the consequences and expectations day. is it ok to hit people? is it ok to shout and scream at mummy? etc. get her, herself to look at her behaviour and state whether she thinks it was ok or not. then do the 'would you do that at school/to your teacher?' line of questioning. no? why? what would happen? so why is it ok to do it at home/to me?

i think first you have to get the calm acknowledgment that her behaviour was wrong, she wouldn't do it elsewhere or to anyone else therefore it isn't acceptable to do it to you either. then you talk about consequences (once the 'crime' has been acknowledged) and expectations.

i do think the would you do this at school thing can work quite well - it forces them to think and imagine what would happen if they hit a teacher/screamed at their teacher etc and to have to compare the two situations and realise that you've taken stuff that others would not dream of taking.

Attention seeking, that's why folk are telling you not to engage.
Also, must praise to high heavens when she's quiet or nice & not being demanding. She's formed a habit of getting attention by being the naughty one.
Easier said than done, I know.

Could you have some 1 - 1 time with her this weekend and do something nice? Even just an hour? Some children get into a loop of dreadful behaviour = negative consequences and if this isn't alongside lots of positive love and attention at other times, they seem to get used to only receiving negative attention. So they behave badly and get the attention - it's just not the attention they want (or need) IYSWIM ? This then becomes their pattern of learned behaviour. She's only 7 so you can change her patterns of behaviour.
What does she say about all this when she's calm? She's old enough to talk to you a bit about what she's feeling / thinking when she's so out of control.
Their behaviour tells us something - the trick is to work out what it is. Hopefully a love bombing weekend might help her (and you) find her lovely 7 year old self?

Some great ideas. So helpful. She was a bit shame faced this morning but her usual self, the happy version.

Told her I hoped we would have a better day today. I am determined to remain calm.

Agggh I have the same dd. 7 but can be so disrespectful and demanding. The smallest thing sends her over the edge. At school I'm told she's an angel. I used to think there might be something wrong with her, but she manages at school so she must realise her behaviour. We have naughty step and confiscate kindle tv, reddish, you name it. I try talking to her, distracting her before a meltdown but nothing seems to be a solution. Just when I think I've cracked it the goal posts move. She knows how to make you angry and its hard to stop myself saying things I regret or getting in to a petty arguement.
Help....