How can I stop dd1 feeling that she is in dd2's shadow?

[wearingpurple]

I have 2 dds. One is 9, one is 8.

Dd1 is clever, beautiful and talented. She is exceptional at literacy, less so but still good at maths, then (like me) absolutely crap at anything that requires physical coordination or fine motor skills.

Dd2 is clever, beautiful and talented. She is exceptional at bloody everything. Academic subjects, creative subjects, sports - there is nothing she isn't good at. As well as this, she has the kind of attitude people (read: teachers) love - can-do, positive, keen, acquiescent.

Dd1 is a bit of a malcontent in some ways and doesn't do a lot of people pleasing.

This hasn't been a problem until now but tonight dd2 won a prize for something dd1 is also good at, and dd1 is very upset.

I can only see this happening over and over in future and I don't want dd1 to feel that she is in her sister's shadow. I know that there are things I can do - concentrating on the literacy side e.g. - but I really want to hear from anyone in a similar predicament with their own dc, or in their own experience with their siblings.

What can I do for dd1?

God my 2 are exactly that! Dd2 finds academic things easy, dd1 is bright too but does need to work harder. I don't have any suggestions so be interesting to hear responses. I have tried to encourage each child to be happy if the other achieves but I get sulks instead.

Hi, rummikub (good game, good game) - it helps just to hear that another person is in the same situation. I do try to foster an attitude of everyone being pleased for the success of other family members, but I can see how it's hard for dd1.

She has developed a massive pedantic streak to assert herself - she'll be queen of pedants' corner one day.

I have this in some respects. dd1 is 3 school years behind ds, but could glance at some maths homework he was needing to ask me about, and just say "Is it x?" and it would be right. So not what ds needed to hear! Same when they were younger and just doing child's crosswords or something - ds would be pondering outloud with the puzzle in front of him, and she'd breeze through and just have all the answers instantly - you could see how it would annoy / upset him!
What we have always done is encouraged him in what he is good at, which is something she's not really interested in, and then there's no comparison. Has she got a hobby or something she can not feel he is competing with ? Obviously alongside lots of little chats about how we are all good at some things and all find other things more difficult, etc., and chats with dd2 about how lucky she is to be born with an academic mind and a love of learning and all things school, and can she imagine what it would be like to have to do {insert something she doesn't enjoy} all day long, etc.,etc.

It's one of my favourite games! Kids play it too, tho both dd's get quite competitive. I started to praise them for different things recently that seems to help. And with dd1 I've started to say yes I agree it can be annoying having a little sister esp one that's good at everything and sharing my experience with my siblings growing; dd1 has really responded to this.

BackForGood - I've found myself wishing there was something dd2 wasn't good at, just so dd1 could completely own it. I think I should go with creative imagination, maybe. Dd2 is also good at literacy but tends to prefer non-fiction to fiction, which is dd1's strength.

Rummikub - it's a great game! Both dds are very competitive when they play though. My own experience is of being 'the clever one' and my poor little brother accepting that and making no effort to develop his own (very considerable) academic skills, so I'm anxious to avoid that scenario.

Was chatting with DS today, and the topic of sibling rivalry came up. DS said 'In all my life (he is 13) I have been a complete fail at sibling rivalry. She's won at everything. The only time I had her beaten was 5 years ago and I remember it. She asked me what the longest word I knew was. It was antidisestablishmentarianism. She didn't believe me and had to google it'.

The thing was, he said this with a grin and a shrug. And I firmly believe that this grin and shrug came about because of separate hobbies. He is very secure in his own abilities because he did this whole singing thing - something that she didn't do - and it gave him a sense of his own place as an individual in the world.

Could you try that maybe? Different hobbies for your DDs?

Wulric, I do think that would make a difference. I feel that dd1 has an enormous talent for one thing, beyond any of the many things dd2 has a talent for, and eventually she will prove herself in this field. But there are no clubs for this and it's a solitary pursuit.

She is very interested in history and dd2 isn't particularly - I might try and cultivate that.

Goddamn! I mean Wuldric, not wulric. Dd1 would NEVER make that mistake.

Maybe just praise dd1 for being her and unique? I'm trying to think of ideas myself too while on this thread. Add insult to injury dd2 is highly likely to be taller than dd1! I started cooking with dd1 but not dd2, saying dd2 not old enough yet. So dd1 gets to produce something that dd2 not having a go at. Parenting is a minefield. My parents just let us get on with it and I really wish they stepped in to help us get on.

Ah , Rummikub, thank god height is the one thing dd1 seems likely to always win at. She's the tallest in her class, whilst dd2 is average.

Interestingly, their good friends are a pair of sisters of the same age, in which the situation is reversed. Dd1's friend is brilliant at maths/music/popularity whilst dd2's friend is mainly good at being tall and hilarious. It's interesting!

OP, my girls are a bit like yours, although they are older, and there is a larger age gap.

Both girls are bright and do well at school, music, and one particular sport. DD1 is not a people pleaser, however, and is sometimes too honest. We have to remind her to be tolerant of other people. DD2 is absolutely charming and seems to effortlessly make everyone like her.

It's not easy, especially when they both do the same sport (no good at any others really!) but we have encouraged them to learn different instruments.

It's hard for DD1 to see DD2 surrounded by friends and contacted all the time. DD1 is actually a lovely girl, she's just much more serious and reserved around people than DD2. I don't know what the answer is!

praise effort not achievement

remind them both frequently that true learning is a life long marathon not a race that is won at 8 9 12 or 16 (my sister has just got a 1st class degree at 37!)

remind them and yourself frequently that performance at 8, 9 , 10 etc is not necessarily predictive of future success and that they both have plenty of time to work and learn and have fun along the way

let dd1 know how funny and loveable she is, pedantic character and all

consider enrolling them in different extra curricular activities

do plenty of non academic non competitive fun things with both of them like swimming of the splashing around variety, cooking, making things etc

Oh yes, DD2 is already taller than DD1, even though she is 3 years younger.

Angus and Elizabeth, so sorry to hear about the awful aftermath of your miscarriage. It's just that kind of thing I would cross deserts to avoid. I hope you have a lovely dc now.

I am going to concentrate massively on dd1's talents - the thing is, I think she has the kind of talent in that one direction that can trump dd2's 'all-rounder' thing. I'm going to maybe go for that.

Wearingpurpe it is soo interesting seeing different sets of siblings. I was always the clever one, my sister opted for humour and its worked out well for her. She is also more successful than me now and taller

Maybe it's about giving them the skills to appreciate themselves and each other?

Dd1 watched a programme last week; one of the characters says that children are like pancakes, the 1st ones a throwaway! Her face was .

If your DD1 is interested in history, how about helping her to start a family tree, one of mine (the least academic) really enjoyed chatting to older relatives and visiting places their ancestors had lived.

Primrose - I think the whole character thing is hugely relevant. The award dd2 won tonight was for singing. Now dd1 is a better singer than dd2, but she is reserved and private and doesn't show how much she is enjoying things. So I think it's unfair that dd2 gets the acclaim when dd1 works just as hard. But you will always be noticed when you have wide, bright eyes more than if you don't.

Acrylic - I praise effort more than achievement routinely (because I'm inured to dd2 getting more praise for achievement than dd1) but dd1 rolls her eyes. She knows what I'm up to! The weird thing is, I'm much more like dd1 than I am dd2 and I know how it feels to be left out of the awards when you have given your all. I don't know how it feels to have a higher-achieving sibling, though, but I'm trying to imagine.

Congratulations Angus

Angus and Elspeth (apologies for my error before, wine has been taken) - many congratulations! Best wishes for November .

Rummikub, I thank christ they get on very well as sisters and dd2 seems naturally submissive to dd1, so they don't quarrel as much as they might. Unlike their mates. Wow.

Carri - that's a really good idea. Dd2 is a redhead and dd1 knows it's to do with Irish ancestry - I think she'd love to delve into the cousins and aunts (I have loads).

My relationship with my sister does niggle me too. Think that's why I'm mindful about my dd's relationship with each other.