My daughter has run away

[ggglimpopo]

Thats it really. If she's not back by ten we will contact the police.

Shite.

I don't think the draconian discipline works tbh, in my opinion it close too many doors.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE HASN'T COME HOME FOR LUNCH.

I expressly forbade her to go out with friends at lunchtime today.

If I was married to her, Iwould divorce her!

It sounds to me as though she is working on the theory that she can't get in to worse trouble so what the hell does it matter and/ or if you really cared you would do xyz

I agree with you zippi. I think she's a bit too old for severely draconian measures, although of course it is absolutely right and fair for you to insist that she treats you with respect in your own home: I don't know how things work in France, but at 16 she could go out, get a job and her own place to live and support herself (or are the laws different over there?).

If you take stuff away and make more rules, make her spend more time at home and less with her friends then she will feel that she is full justified in rejecting you and the family as you know nothing and care less about her.

In my earlier post I didn't explain it properly, I didn't mean turn a blind eye like you don't give a sh* more just recall the method you used when you have a screaming toddle who wont get in the car seat i.e. I won't react, I'll just repeat what I would like to happen, its my rules. She is nearly seventeen - could you sit down and explain how much youlove her and how much it hurts not to be a family and how much you all have to find a way to make it work. Then listen to what she would like the ground rules to be, explain yours and find a common ground. Apologies if you've been there before.

My dad said things like "grounded" and I just bucked away from that but my mum tried the diplomatic approach and it got to me more. She didn't forbid things but started to talk to me like I was an adult (offered me wine with dinner sometimes) and then I felt I had to behave like one.

Sorry if im not helping.

I don't actually know what to say; I am completely lost. She starts a "stage" (work experience) next week, so maybe that will be a turning point.

Thank you for all your helpful responses. It is far easier being a vile teenager (speaking from shameful experience) than it is actively parenting a vile teenager.

Some of my friends seem to have just given up and the kids do what the hell they like.

Hi ggg, I spotted this thread this morning and have only just had time to come back to it and read some of the posts.

I just want to say I have been through the exact same things with my DD1 who appears to be exactly the same age as your DD as well. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced this could possibly understand how impossible it is to control the behaviour of such an individual. I always feel that most mums out there are wondering why the hell I didn't put a stop to it, but they somehow manage to circumvent everything you try until you are left with three choices, seemingly. 1 put up with it, 2 Turn your back on her or 3, use brute force.

And because none of these three choices are acceptable you become completely powerless to be the good parent you want to be, it's like living in hell. You don't sleep at night wondering if your child has gone out/is downstairs stealing something/trashing your house/taking drugs/talking with someone unsuitable on msn...every tiny noise awakens you. Nothing you say to her is right, however harmless and conciliatory she will find fault and pick an argument. She will lie in your face and make you feel like the guilty one. You wonder how this child could ever have come out of your body. I just want you to know I understand.

I feel parenting DD1 has taken years off my life. She has left home (of her own accord) and immediately taken up with her father who was denied contact by the court because of his unsuitability. She is walking a tightrope where she could end up really damaged, and she can't see it and can't heed advice. There is nothing more I can do except pick up the pieces one day in the future when she comes back hurt.

I hope you find a way to handle it all without losing your sanity - I'm so sorry I don't have advice for you as I have struggled and failed with precisely the same problem. All I can do is tell you I understand and I am here for you if you want to talk.