My daughter has run away

[ggglimpopo]

Thats it really. If she's not back by ten we will contact the police.

Shite.

Tigermoth - thats a good point - I remember going through my mums stuff - just fascinated really - an awareness of how she was more than just my mum...

Yes, I did wonder about that, reasons for going through everything - but it is constant - as though we have no right to anything that she does not know about; and the stealing the whole bloody time is really pissing me off. i get a panicky feeling if I can't find something now and think "NOT AGAIN" and I have to keep my purse on me and my bag upstairs and not with my coat.....

And it is so blatant. Not at all discreet. The phone - as though we were stupid and would not admit it, dh's razor, all the change in my purse ffs!

ggg - I think for me it was an attention-getting thing. I was thirteen and both my parents had high-pressure jobs and worked long hours (my mother particularly defined herself by her job and if things were not going well for her at work, home life was difficult). My older sister took the lion's share of parental attention and always had, she was 16/17, failing o-levels, partying all hours, fighting with Mum etc, and I was pretty much left to my own devices. I don't think those things alone were the reason, but I was also very isolated from friends - my school was a way from my home and I wasn't able to hang out with friends after school, or go for tea anywhere as there was no one to drive me or pick me up. So things built up and having extra money at least made me feel as if I were in control of something. I used to do crazy things like rolling up £10 notes that I had taken and leaving them in the holes in our stair banisters - no one ever noticed they were there! I don't know if any of that is relevant to your dd, it certainly sound like she has a good social life and is not isolated, but helliebean's suggestion about time with her might unlock some other reasons.

"as though we were stupid and would not miss it..."

freudian?

Well, all teenagers think their parents are stupid and won't admit it, ggg...

Yeah, like DOAH!

ggg
I was that sort of teenager - I stole from my parents and lied about it, stayed out with streetkids, got involved in all sorts - kept myself safe though FWIW - always knew I was playing for rebellion effect.
I had good parents, a firm, critical mother who was constantly going apeshit (parents divorced) dad always had unconcitional love, he was soft as shite, I stole off his live in girlfriend and off mums new dh too.
Once I stole from mum and her dh's shop, (in NZ$)$20 to put a bet on (I worked with racehorses before and after school and had hot tip) They actually trusted me to work there, once they knew I'd stolen from the till, they changed.
The horse had won and I had about $500.
My step dad went ape, took all the money, called the cops, who then advised psychiatrist.
Mum said no way, take her to the jail, just to show her where she'll end up if she ever steals again.
So they did
And I changed from that point on. Not perfect, but better.
That was between 15/17 yrs
My mum and I alaug about it now, I never knew how seriously worried she was and as a mum now at what I put her through.

I would FWIW seriously strip her room, her privileges and get a safe for ALL your stuff, play hardball if you can bear it.

What about her getting a Saturday job, if that is possible? I know that this made a huge difference to me - my own money that I had earned helped me understand about saving/budgeting and at the same time that £ was not the be-all and end-all. Also made me feel needed (I was a terrific shop assistant!) and therefore more responsible.

can you say you'll confiscate something of hers every time she takes something of yours - bet you've tried that, though. I do think you need to get tougher. Anything to show her the consequences of her stealing. Have you ever tried phoning the police if something of yours has gone missing - not to press charges, just to get your dd talking to a policeman. And explain about criminal records and how they can scupper your chances of travelling abroad freely and getting jobs.

How long until she finishes school? - am I right in thinking that in France they are quite old when they finish? Where I grew up, most people were 17 finishing school (though is more like 18 now) so when we were not much older than your dd we left home to go to Uni etc - I was reasonably well behaved as a teenager but even still I was desperate to leave home to have some independence - if I'd had to wait for another couple of years I think I would have gone mad....

Do you have any idea why she is so unhappy - because that what it sounds like... Did she have any issues with you moving to France or remarrying? If you are already paying for private education, could you afford boarding school as maybe living apart for a while would improve things?

You have raised the issue of you going out a lot yourself - my PILs used to do this when SIL was a teen and I personally think the lack of supervision was not good for her, both in terms of schoolwork and she herself then going out a lot too and getting up to all sorts of stuff....

gggg.... I've only just seen this. I'm so sorry that you are going through such rubbish.

I agree that she should get herself a part time job. No more money from you or DH. I need to go away and think more about what else I think that you can do. I do think that whilst showing her unconditional love you need to keep strong boundaries.

Just know that this is a phase and this too will pass.

Much love honey.

I think on a previous post about your dd I also suggested a part-time job - I would expect my kids to be earning their own pocket-money at this age tbh.

I had a lot of problems with dd2 in particular and apart from rowing and telling her she could go and live somewhere else, I used rather nasty emotional blackmail of the I can't take any more I'm getting so depressed you will make me ill and I'll end up in hospital variety. We had a fair number of sessions of both crying on each other's shoulders and also of her calling me bitch, cow etc endlessly. She never managed to get to school on time and I refused to take her. One night she never came home and I was up all night ringing friends and then the police about 6.00am ..they eventually brought her home about 9.00am she had spent the night in Wetherspoons managers flat.

She dropped out of school and went to college but hated it and then went back to school but in the year below and that was a failure. Then she drifted into seeing a boy drifted out of coming home for days on end and then had a baby..cue huge improvement in her and in our relationship.

Throughout all this period all I could do was continuing loving her, in case she came back to me.

I agree with an earlier post - get her a saturday job or sign her up for a day at a volunteer centre. I was exactly like this (sorry dad!) until I realised that money had to be earned and I could do that for myself and also that other people have far nastier lives (also tbh taking old dears to the loo/changing sheets etc was a great incentive to get my exams and a career so I didn't have to do it all my life).

my dd2 did have a job which in fact she did throughout this period from age 15 onwards and she did keep the hours in it.

So sorry to hear this ggg

When does dd finish school? Is she busting to get away from school and move out?

My dd is a bit younger than yours (just 15) but I've had similar problems with her (running away, similar behaviour/attitude problems) so although of course our situations are very different I sympathise with your feelings of absolute frustration/misery/sadness/anger.

I am not where you are yet with the joys of teenagers (and I am sure there are joys although it may not seem like it now) but 2 things occured to me reading your posts. I hate to bring it up but stealing can be a warning for drug use as is the change in behavoir. Also, it sounds like she may have it too good right now in that she still has priviledges but isn't living up to her side of the bargain, showing respect, folllowing house rules etc. I would strip her room to a bed and take away all priviledges, phone, computer, tv nights out with friends until she earns them back.

Glad she came back safely before it all got more serious ggg
lots of interesting stories and advice here, I wish I could add to it but I was an easy going teenager
does she have any interest in particular, something that she could do a 'stage' in? might focus her attention on something else for a while?

How does she feel about counselling/therapy?

Well sod me, she hasn't come home for lunch!!!!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

My sympathies too, ggg.
I think the removal of privileges and getting tough in a calm adult way might be a solution too.
Get tough, set simple ground rules that are non negotiable and see them through to the bitter end. If she is grounded - stay in and make sure she stays in her room with no tv/computer/phone etc. She is being foul to you anyway so don’t worry if she hates you for it - she might eventually learn that "no" means "no" and that she plays by your rules.
It will be hard, but no harder than it is already.
Make sure she can’t steal from you easily - lock up your wallets/phones etc - even put a lock on your bedroom door if necessary.
Have a compelte clear out (with her help) of her room.
Take away the power cable from your computer and allow access for homework only - supervised.
She is clearly not coping when you give her money/phones/freedom at night, so go the other way. Remove everything and get her to learn about respect and trust the hard way. If she wants to have these things again, she needs to prove to you that she can be trusted and that she truly appreciates them.

Have you spoken to her school re: her behaviour - find out about friendship groups, get insight into how she is progressing there. They might have really useful info about negative influences etc or whether she is flunking in class. Does the school have a counselling system?
Also, dare I mention drugs/alcohol etc? Are you happy that she is really safe in this respect?