Is this selfish?

[alexw]

I am a teacher and dd goes to nursery when I'm at work. I have taken her there today so I can go shopping. Am justifying it by saying it's unfair to drag a 17 month old around the shops (which I believe it is). I don't often get the chance to get out alone. So, am I a bad mum?

Draggedthrooabush, I am delighted my dd has formed strong bonds with her carers at nursery. She calls them by name, goes to them for cuddles. She knows all the children who attend, full and part time, their parents, their school bags. She comes home covered with paint and bits of grass. Compare this with a shopping trip!

This is my clingy, joined-at-the-hip dd who started separation anxiety at 5 months. The nursery is her second home. And she has settled in nicely. The quality of care offered by nurseries varies greatly, and your experience may not have been the best. But don't let that colour you to the fact that carers are people too (!) and children do form very strong bonds at nursery, which, though different, are as beneficial to them as the bonds they form with their parents, or if you prefer, grandparents and childminders or nannies.

DTAB, you're a nursery nurse? You can't be very confident that you're doing a good job then?

Hunkermunker-i didnt work in private sector just trained and saw enough to be put off.Obviously I can't comment on every nursey.

Worked in local authority nursey and enjoyed it immensely!

Will return to work once my 2 are older.

lol at comment about binmen! Consider myself lucky to have family nearby. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad just talking about my experiences.

Yes and my experience is that DD hates shopping. She is 24 months and a nightmare of trying to get in and out of the pushchair and generally whinging etc. It is not fun.

I work 3 days a week and have in the past taken a day off so that I can go without her and spend the time I have with her more enjoyably for both of us. I have also driven home from work (40 mins) to give her tea, play, bath etc and then once she is in bed driven back to do late night Christmas shopping.

Always amazes me that some women are prepared to be so judgemental about the reasonable, rational decisions of other women.
So Alex dropped her daughter off at nursery. It is probably reasonable to assume that Alex chose the nursery for her daughter with considerable care & it is not the local dog pound that she is dropping her off at.
It is also reasonable to assume that Alex's daughter doesn't know that mummy is going to work or going shopping, so as far as she is concerned it is just another morning at nursery.
So, where exactly does selfish come into this? As far as I can see this is a choice about which activity Alex's daughter would prefer. Being strapped in a buggy trawling around the shops or a morning at nursery, which she enjoys.

dragged, if you can't comment on every nursery, then perhaps less strong language about other mothers' choice/child's preference between nursery v. shopping trip is in order.

Thanks all for the messages. Am back at work now so dd back at nursery. Not long to summer hols though...

I guess I am selfish, as I am a SAHM and my DD 2.5 goes to nursery 2 mornings a week so I can have some time to myself, and actualy have better time with her when she is at home and not have to put her in front of TV when I want to do housework (yea right well maybe some tv)...

She loves going to nursery and any doubts I had about doing it vanished as soon as I realised that we both get a lot out of it.. the only thing bad about it is that very expensive when not working to pay for it...

I originally put her in nursery when my Mum was very ill with cancer and it meant I could spend more time with her, unfortunately she passed away in Decemeber, so now don't actually need DD to be in nursery - but hey she is staying there as long as I can afford it - which might not be much longer, but that is another story..

We have no-one else that DD can go to, and my DH was spending all weekend studying so I just loved the freedom those 2 mornings gave me.

Enough justifying my reason - the bottome line is that I no longer have any need for it - DH stopped studying - but we both love the arrangement,

IMO we have got to get out of the mindset of thinking that by organising our lives in a certain way we are being selfish. Why is sending your child to nursery selfish? The fact that you get some time to yourself while your child is at nursery doesn't make the act of sending a child in itself a selfish act!!!!
Most toddlers have a fab time at nursery. They are able to do lots of activities that they wouldn't necessarily have a chance to do at home, get used to the company of other children and have fun.
Why do we also assume that being with a parent is also best?

I'm a full time sahm of 4; 3 are at school and ds3 (nearly 2.5) goes to nursery twice a week.
He loves it and so do I ! He gets to interact with children his own age, do activities like messy play, playdoh etc which of course I can and do provide at home, but are so much more fun to do in a group.
He misses his siblings come Monday morning and they're all off to school; in fact that's what prompted me to look out for a local nursery that would take him foe a couple of seeions a week.
I go to the gym, do boring errands without him (eg he hates PO queues, and I sell on ebay so I try to save my posting sessions for when he's away), hairdresser, dentist, read the paper in peace. generally, I'm recharged after a couple of mornings to myself. Dh works long hours, including sometimes at weekends, so I need a bit of downtime really. Also ds3 wakes early, like many toddlers, and sometimes still has broken nights, so I do get tired.
Those nursery sessions are my time off, simple as that. It wouldn't occur to me to feel guilty about it at all.

I really don't see that taking the odd day out for yourself whilst your child is in nursery or with someone else can be seen as selfish. It's all about balance surely?

I also don't understand why there is the view that kids being with parents all the time or being cared by grandparents is seen as the best option either. Eg Whenever my parents have my kids over they only spend about 10 mins playing with them and the remainder of the time letting them watch TV as my parents say that they don't do "art activities", nor "go to the park" etc. In this case, it's better to consider quality of care.