Is this selfish?

[alexw]

I am a teacher and dd goes to nursery when I'm at work. I have taken her there today so I can go shopping. Am justifying it by saying it's unfair to drag a 17 month old around the shops (which I believe it is). I don't often get the chance to get out alone. So, am I a bad mum?

If I worked full time and had a holiday I would take my toddler out and do something fun for both of us.

I have to agree with dtb, the question was am I being selfish. Even in the post it says the mom is "justifying it" which suggest she is questioning her decision. Otherwise, why post and get on with it. I agree again with dtb, a child of that age would rather be hanging out with mom. If mom doesn't feel up to shopping with a 17 month old (working to hard, stressed, fatique, or for some reason really has to get something done, then the decision starts to make more sense. But the way it reads (and I am not saying this is the case, but the way it reads is that she dropped off hte baby to grab some "me" time by shopping. If the baby is in nursury while you have to work, and shopping was not essential, you may have missed out on a great day with you and baby. I you grab some "me time on the weekend when baby is with a partner or grandparent. Ok, I duck now for the attack!

Maybe alexw doesn't have a partner. Maybe she doesn't have family near. My interpretation of the OP is that this is a one-off, not a regular 'indulgence' (and imo there would be nothing wrong with that anyway).

As edam says, god forbid a mother should get a couple of hours to herself, eh? Jeez.

agree with snafu, lots of mums get no I mean NO time to themselves at all. not even to have a shower or go to the loo.Not everyone has a partner or grandparenst who regularly watch the children. What if your child prefers nursery to being with a grandparent??? is that wrong?

Am not against mums having time time to theirself-- far from it. Just don't agree with doing it at childs expence.

Must fly I have lots of housework to do !!!

Most of us become better mums by freeing up some time for ourselves now and again.

when i was off on maternity leave, early, coz i needed the rest, ds went to nursery for a further two and ahlf months.
i must be a terrible mom? not,

When DS was a baby and toddler I worked 2.5 days a week and he had 3 days a week at nursery (they only offered full time daycare, not sessional) so did I rush home at 1pm and disrupt his lunchtime nap to take home and put him to bed? No chance ... I did errands sometimes but mostly I went home, pulled the curtains and had a nap of my own for a couple of hours ... Then I would have a cup of tea, put my feet up, watch some crap telly, maybe do some marking if I could be bothered and at around 4.30 I would go and pick DS up ... (the other two days I used to pick him up at 5.30 so I wasn't all bad!)
I don't care if people think that was selfish ... I had a baby that woke up at 5am every morning, PND, a part time job that I hated ... I was knackered and I loved my Friday afternoons - they were sacred!
AND in the school holidays DS STILL went to nursery 3 days a week ... unless we were away or we had something planned. The place was paid for so I used it!
So there!

I was paid back, though, big time, when I became a SAHM when he was 2 and a half ...

I really don't see what the problem is ... anything to keep sane I say ... DD goes to creche 2 mornings a week and I sometimes work, sometimes have a nap, sometimes do some housework, sometimes I EVEN go to a nice cafe all on my own and savour my solitude . My favourite bit is being in MY house on my OWN for a couple of hours a week - bliss!

Yes, god forbid a mum might have time to herself to do something she enjoys, FFS

Anyway what's wrong with being selfish sometimes?

This discussion comes up every now and again on mumsnet and people are often indignant at any mother (not parent, no, people rarely get indignant at FATHERS) working/going out/getting 5 minutes to herself. I remember one thread where there was great indignation because a woman had a cup of coffee in her own home while her dd was at nursery, there was uproar, it was hilarious. IMO, nope, not selfish, go and shop on your own, get your hair done, whatever you want. Being a mother shouldn't mean you are never alone ever again no matter what. I signed up for motherhood, not martydom.

I used to put DS in childcare ONE DAY A WEEK .. so I could sit in my house drink coffee and watch crap tv

can't remember where I saw it but saw something where they were talking to kids in childcare and saw a little girl saying "I'm here because my mum likes to have 'me' time".

I would have been really, really sad if I knew that my mum would rather leave me in Nursery than take me home to play or take me shopping or out to do whatever she was doing. I knew my mum wanted my company, enjoyed my company, and enjoyed doing things with me around. It gave me a good feeling, good self esteem and good self worth.

I totally agree that it is good for mums to have time to themselves, blimey...I think it is probably unhealthy for this not to happen for the mum and the child! So I totally don't have a problem with children being taken to nursery to give mum a break.

However I do think it's important not to let this 'seep' through to the kids, they need to feel nursery is 'their' thing, it's for them to enjoy - not to feel they are being got rid of. not suggesting any posters here would do this, just that obviously some mums do...and in my humble opinion I am glad that I didn't WANT much time away from DS, I think a couple of sessions is healthy but two and a half days would have been a lot for me to miss out on as regards being with and parenting my ds; the gym, shopping and reading can wait till the evening for me!

Ok, so I have stirred up a response. FWIW I had a terrible time shopping, bought stuff for dd but couldn't think about getting stuff for me. She had a lovely time at nursery which she loves. Working full time is exhausting and I don't like to waste weekend time going shopping. Dh is great, but we like to spend time as a family at the weekend. Regarding family, we have no-one closer than 250 miles so have no babysitter. Have not been out as a couple since dd was born. So, yes it was selfish to put her in nursery, but i'm not going to feel bad about it any more.

Good for you Alexw When ds was one I gave up my part time job but we decided to leave ds in nursery one day a week because a) he loves it there and b) he would still have a place if I decided to go back to work. I don't feel guilty at all about having one day a week to myself - it makes me a much better mum the rest of the week...

ah, that's really nice, floatingonthemed - I bet your friend would be so touched to hear you miss her baby more than your days off.

I am all for some free time from toddlers to go shopping. I well remember my toddler son's eager anticipation of a session at the Bluewater shopping mall creche. He loved the toys, the company and the new surroundings and as soon as his pushchair straps were undone, he would make a run for the entrance. He would be even more devastated then me if the creche was full up

He knew what he wanted, I knew what I wanted. He probably knew I didn't want to take him shopping, but didn't seem at all upset about it.

The good thing with creches at shopping malls is that you can also have some time with your children before and after the session - go to a nearby soft play centre, playgound, into a few select shops,see a film, stop for someting to eat together, so the shopping trip isn't all about you shopping.

Now my son is 6, one of our days out involves going to The Glades at Bromley, having a swim at the pool there, grabbing a snack and then ds goes into the creche for a couple of hours while I do the boring but necessary bits of shopping. I did this with him when he was much younger, too.

The only problem is the cost - that's what makes me feel guilty and nothing else.

not seflish at all. its called self preservation.

if taking one day off...from work and motherhood means you will enjoy the time you have with your child then go for it. i am huge beleiver of quality over quantity. all those who have posted ridiculous posts saying that you need to be superglued to your child fom the minute its born will probably be haggered and grey by the time they are 40. you however will be a young vibrant yummymummy who has learnt that being a mother does not mean you cannot be yourself.

your LO no doubt enjoys her time at nursary, is learning all about social interactions and will be picking up allsorts of usefull skills. i dont think that Oasis have any flash cards or timetables posters to look at that wil do that!

go out. enjoy yourself for the day then go home and have a lovely evening feeling relaxed and happy therefore giving you LO a warm loving home.....ORRRR stay at home non stop felel tired stressed and irritable and not wait to put yor child to bed at night so you can getsome peace!

i know which i would rather. (just wish i had the nursary place and teh money for shopping)

lol at the haggard and grey comment!

Hopefully spending time with my children will help keep me young not being a frazzled working mother who is trying hard to do it all!

Actually I dont beleive that young children should be joined to your hip at all times. I am lucky in the respect that both our families live close by and we have always been able to leave ours with a family member or close friend. I realise from reading this thread that not everyone has this option. When i do crave some 'me' time (not that I have it by the bucket load - far from it) my husband or family can take over. My ds1 became very clingy at around a year old and now is a very confident almost 3 yr old. I think that because he knew I was always there for him in the crucial first few years he is now trusting and confident to happily leave my side and form friendships with others.
Financially we have had to make cut backs and sacrifices but to my mind it is worth it. Its the hardest job in the world but there's nothing I'd rather do!
I think a lot of my opinions stem from my job as a nursery nurse. Although I was employed by my local authority in a nursery school which had provision for 60 anti-preschool and pre-school children I spent alot of my training in the private sector. Fom my time there I decided than if I had my own children I would never send a child under 2 1/2 to that kind of childcare setting. It was horrible to watch some young babies clearly unhappy to be leaving their parents and worse sometimes babies formed bonds so strong with their keyworkers that it was upsetting for them (and their parents) to leave the nursery and go back home.
I also found that due to the long working hours and poor wages that the private nurseries offer the staff are often (not always)very young and lack experience. Read from that what you will.

Now before I receive a backlash I know that not everyone has the option to give up work for many reasons and some parents dont have the inclination(want to stay working for whatever reason:career opportunities, fear of losing identity, love working etc..) Everyone knows there is nothing wrong with that. I am not against working parents.

If a baby or toddler cannot be cared for by mum or dad then a grandparent, relative or even an experienced childminder would be a better choice to give the wee one. (Childminders provide a more home like environment and the child only has to form an attatchment bond with 1 other adult; not many others)I just think that young children should be cared for by someone who loves them. Qualified staff and a stimulating environment is important but the staff, although they may form bonds with the children, don't love them. Love is not something that can be bought or duplicated. How is this going to affect the emotional development of these young children in the future? You may argue that your child has improved social skills for his age but at what cost?

well said draggedthru.

I've just realised that going shopping with ds who always comes shopping with me is probably easier than taking a child shopping a couple of times a year and expecting them to be able to cope.

So we are basing our opinions on how our own children react.

draggedthro, I can see that you witnessed something that distressed you at the nurseries you worked at. I think it would have distressed me too, if I'd seen small children really upset about being parted from their mother. I know this can happen to begin with, but from what I know, most children do settle after a while. If you saw children who did not ever settle properly, and whose parents kept them at that particular nursery, that must have been upsetting.

As for you being even more upset about babies forming strong bonds with nursery staff - why do you think those babies did not have strong bonds with their own parents when at home with them? As you worked in the nursery, you have little idea what happened when the baby or toddler actually left the premises. Perhaps they soon settled down happily with their parents. I mean, IME it's not uncommon for children or babies to create a temporary fuss when being left or picked up from somewhere, especially with a change of carer thrown in. It doesn't necessarily mean that those distressed babies would be spending all their time away from nursery missing their keyworker and seeing their mother as second best.

I also feel that 3 year olds can be confident for all sorts of reasons - simple personality being just one of them. I am sure a stable, loving background helps a lot, but I don't think there's a neat equation between a mother being the sole carer of her baby for the first year and a that baby blossoming into an unclingy, confident 3 year old. I think that's a misguided generalisation to make.

I think you'll find plenty of mothers on mumsnet whose confident and trusting 3 year olds have been at nursery since they were babies. My own sons were cared for by a variety of people ( me, dh, childminders) during their first year - a big mix of people, actually - and they became confident toddlers. I think it was more down to personality than background tbh.

ui also think its unhelpful to pour this guilt onto working parents who often have no choice but to work - to keep a roof.

Draggedthroo, would you feel the same if you didn't have family nearby to help you out? I am betting that you would be running after the binman with the children for the chance to sit down for five minutes!