Having another - better late than never?

[sheilatakeabow]

DS is six. Until now, we've been happy as a family of three, especially DH. I''ve always had reservations (I'm an only child myself) but the early three years were so so so hard, I went along with it. But now, for the first time, I'm starting to feel I could do it again, and, more than that, I want to.

DH is still unconvinced, but I'm working on that. Our circumstances are so much better than first time around - more friends and family around, settled etc.

The worry is that, with the best will in the world, DS would be 7 when any new arrival arrived so I'm realistic they won't be playmates, but would they have any type of relationship?

I was just hoping you could share your experiences of a larger age gap with me, and also, yours and your OH's ages - DH would potentially be 45 when any other child started school

Thanks in advance

I had 4th ds at age 42... The other 3 ds were all teens.

Ds4 is now a toddler and has a great relationship with the older ones. Age gaps need not matter at all!

Your ds would probably revel in the role of very important eldest brother.

Thank, that's sweet. I keep thinking is that, yes, it would be hard work for a few years and things would be tighter financially (we sold all the baby stuff (idiots)), but at the end of it, DS would have a sibling, and, in my rose-tinted view, that's more than worth it.

I've got a 9 to DD and 10 week old DS.

I have a friend with a 3 yo and 1 yo. just watching her run round after them both exhausts me!

Big age gap, speaking from 10 whole weeks of experience , seem to be a good balance. DD can help (not relied on though as she is a child and not my minion shame ) She interacts with DS brilliantly, he adores her.

She did get upset/worried etc through pregnancy about where she would fit in the family but I just kept talking and listening and reassuring.

I've had some problems with her playing up to get my attention, silly things like damaging things in her room and we're working through that . Otherwise she's been great.

From my pov, she's at school 6 hours a day so in the early days I could sleep when DS slept and get house work done now. its relatively easy compared to being a first time mum, I've been shocked by how much I've enjoyed it - DS is very laid back though so not hard work.

I'm 34 BTW and a single mum (but exDP visits and this helps!)

Theres 6 years between me and my brothers. We weren't particularly close as children, not much in common, but we did get on. As adults though we get on really really well and look out for each other. I think thats the most important thing really, you want to know your kids will look out for each other as grown ups.

Yes, that's it - not so much a playmate now, but someone to turn to when they're older. I quite liked being an only growing up, but would swap all the holidays and material stuff for a sibling now. My mum couldn't have any more though, so not quite the same anyway

I could have wrote this post as I had always been content with just one child but then I changed my mind and became pregnant very quickly, I now have another child. There are 7 years between them but they sometimes play together. What I find difficult is managing 2 different growing up stages and sometimes I feel like I'm torn in two, my DD(10) seems to draw the short straw because the little one is so demanding. I wish I had him earlier but overall I'm just glad I had another child.

I have to say I'm kicking myself for not having done it sooner, but it just wasn't the right time

How old were you and OH at the time of both, mumofmonsters, if you don't mind me asking? Age is one of DH' s main concerns

My older boys were 9 and a few days off 13 when DS3 was born. DS2 isn't overly close to DS3 but the relationship between DS1 and DS3 is great, more like uncle-nephew than brothers but close all the same. DS3 is now 6 and will miss DS1 so much when he goes to uni this year.

I've loved having bigger gaps - each child gets one on one time, they don't tend to fight over the same toys etc. The only thing we have struggled with is days out - finding a day out that suits teen to toddler isn't easy.

I know quite a few families with big age gaps. Two close family members have big age gaps (8-10 years) in their siblings. I think it does end up being a semi-parental relationship during childhood - in that the older sibling does a fair bit of (hopefully mostly voluntary!) looking after and playing 'with' the little one, rather than having a playmate. But in adulthood they all have very good relationships.

If this is something you both decide you want and are able to do then there is no reason you shouldn't. Like you said they may not be playmates, but they will definitely have a relationship, particularly as they get older. My oldest sister is 8 years my senior and she and I have a great relationship. When I was a little girl she was always the cool older sister I could go to for advice, and as we got older we got closer and closer.

My sister is 3 yrs younger than me. Our relationship has always been a bit disinterested, verging on toxic dislike,and hasn't improved with age. My brothers are 6 and 9 years older than me. I adore them and always have. Sibling relationship are based on many things, age gap is only one element.

There's 5 years betwen my two. You wouldnt think they'd be playmates but they can pay togeher for hours.

Honestly, I sit and watch them and am in awe. They re 7 and 2 now.

Then I remember back to my younger two siblings. Just over 7 years between them and again, they would play together for hours.

I really think you can nurture great sibling relationships. We assured dd throughout my pregnancy that her brother/sister would love her more than anyone else .... and he does.

Apologies for typos - the batteries in my keynoard are running out of power.

Age gap of 20 years between my 2! I had secondary infertility and thought I'd never have DD - then along she came when I was 40 and DH 54! 3 years on a we couldn't be happier. DD adores her big brother and Dh (who was very anxious about being an old dad) is loving it second time around. he has gone part time at work and looks after her two days a week.
I'm one of three and there was only 18months between us, we fought like hell as children and weren't very close (though we are now) - so doesn't always hold that a small age gap is best.

Thanks everyone, you're pretty much telling me what I want to hear! It's great to know that there's still time and it's worth the hard work even if they're not playmates. Everyone I know has the classic 2.5 year gap, so it's lovely to hear that that's not the only way to have a family

I have a 7 year age gap between DS1 and DS2. DD is a less than a year younger than DS1. Although DS1 and DD remain very close to each other, they also have a lovely relationship with their younger brother. DS1 enjoys reverting to being babyish with him and DD mothers him. Both of them are better at handling his tantrums than I am and it all works pretty well for us. As others have said, personality is probably the most important factor in sibling relationships, and you can't plan for that, so might as well just go for it and see what happens. Good luck!

12 years between me and my brothers - we don't get on (I hate them and they treat me like crap). Parental management is key though, I was disposable after the twins were born as far as my mother was concerned.

Six and a half year gap between me and my brother and we get on brilliantly. I think the first few months were tough for my mum as you can't easily spend all day with the newborn when your older child has school, after school activities etc to attend, but in terms of us getting along we really do and did. Apart from when my brother went through a biting stage at about 18mo

My dad was 46 when my brother was born- wasn't really an issue as far as I'm aware.

I think that there are pros to big age gaps.

• you are less likely to have sibling rivalry as the older child is more independent and able to comprehend why a baby needs you more as its like having more than one friend.
• you can do baby stuff with the younger child unlike close age gaps where the younger child has to do what the older child is into. Also the older child is at school so younger child gets the sort of one on one attention that the older one had.
• they won't be into the same stuff at the same time but can still be close. Most people will have experience of socialising with extended family, friends etc with a 7+ year age gap and it can work brilliantly.

My oldest and youngest are 6 years apart and often play together. They are currently playing a football game in the trampoline while shooting Nerf guns. They get on with each other rather than with their sibling who is between their ages as their personalities are more compatible.

DH was nearly six when his sister was born and they have always been very close.
Our two are two years apart. DH was 46 when our second was born! I'm 12 years younger.

We have 3 children aged 26, 14 and 6. The older 2 are girls, the younger one is a boy. The two girls are really close - the oldest one lives away now but when she comes back they both sleep in the study and stay up for hours chatting and watching films and they keep in touch through facebook. When the middle one was little, and even though there was 12 years between them they would still argue just like you would expect sisters to do. If we gave one a slightly larger piece of cake than the other one they'd fight over it! Now that our 6 year old little boy is old enough to play computer games, he and his 14 year year old sister play together all the time. They are in the lounge now playing Lego Lord of the Rings on the X Box. I absolutely love it when my eldest is home for the weekend and we are all together - having children of such different ages means that life is always interesting! My dh was 44 when we had our ds and I was 42. Must admit that getting up in the middle of the night gets hard with each decade but that part doesn't last long thank goodness.

I have 4 Ds age 16,14,7 and 5. The dynamics change all the time but they all love each other dearly. At the moment the 7 year old is a bit of light relief to the 16 year old during his GCSE exams and the 14 and 5 year old also have an excellent bond...they all do really! We'd love another but my dh is 53 so don't think we dare! I say go for it, I doubt you'll regret it.