panicking as 5 month old got no semblance of routine

[pennyapples]

hello all
looking for some advice if anybody has the time
my five month old DD has no real routine - my fault I know. But she feeds (ebf) at different times each day - naps at different times each day - settles at different times each day - wakes overnight at different times each day - wakes up in the morning....etc. you get the picture.
this is my fault I know - I just didnt know enough about what I was supposed to do at the beginning and so was kind of stumbling my way through things - and now I'm panicking because we will start on solids soon and probably formula too, and I just dont know how it's going to work.
For example when they say start solids late morning / lunchtime feed after she has had some milk - well the feed around that time is at wildly different times - and sometimes she doesnt want it. its not much of a base for getting her into more of a pattern is it.
am in a mess here. i do try - really I do - but no day is the same despite my best efforts to get her into a routine of bedtime / naptime / four hourly feeds
help!

Hi. I wouldn't worry too much at this stage, you sound like you are doing well. I only have one DD who is now coming up to 8 months, so I'm sure there will be others along soon who have far more experience than me.

My advice would be to establish a bedtime routine and work from there. That's what worked for us.

So for example, if you'd like bedtime to be 7pm. Then start bedtime routine consistently around 6.15/6.30. Our dd has a bath at 6.30, then massage, bottle and cuddles and in to cot at 7. Lights off, dummy in, teddy bear to cuddle, music on. If you follow the same routine every day you'll be surprised how quickly baby will recognise the pattern.

I then worked backwards from that. I also noted down, using an app, what time my dd fed and slept. And noticed a pattern establishing. So for example, she is awake for two hours in the morning and then must have a nap.

Hope that helps, sorry its a bit rambling.

I think 'stumbling' through is how a lot of people do it, myself included! if this works for your baby and you are both happy why should it matter? you don't NEED to have a routine unless it works for you or your baby. I agree with the poster above about bedtime though - sounds a good place to start.

I found this really helpful about how to start solids without getting too muddled. enjoy your baby while there's no agenda, I think it's a good thing you're going with the flow, I only have a schedule because my toddler demands one

Hi Op

What I want to say is 'who told you you need a routine?'!

I'm on my third and have never, ever had a routine for any of them...my third is the same age as yours.

And it's not your fault either...that's just what normal babies do.

So who is making you think you're doing it all wrong?

OP we didn't have anything resembling a routine until about 6m when DS formed his own pattern with napping - I noticed he was wanting a nap at the same time every day so went with that and tried to put him down at the same time each day (if possible).

When you first start solids, they don't eat much and they don't need to eat at exactly the same time every day. I think the suggestion is usually to try giving solids approximately 1 hr after bf.

DS is 13m and he still breastfeeds "on demand" as it were. I have too had worries about not having a routine (all my local friends seems to), but when I think about it carefully, I realise "go with the flow" suits us much better . I know that wouldn't work for everyone, we are all different!

If what you're doing is working for you, then stick with it! There are no hard and fast rules and it sounds like she's good at communicating her needs and you're good at responding to them. She's only been alive for around 22 weeks, so she's still learning.

Thank you all for replying - really appreciate it
I suppose I think because things aren't working at night - at all - started thinking that routine for the whole time - day and night - might change things. If she was sleeping a bit at night I think I might relax and go with the flow a bit more.
We have previously tried a bedtime routine - we tried it from 3-5 months - but gave up last week finally after two months of evenings spent entirely focused on trying to get her to go to sleep. She would fall asleep on my boob but as soon as we tried to put her down she would go crazy. back on boob, crazy on transfer was the routine for up to two hours a night. flippin hard work.
I guess I started thinking good naptimes would help her avoid being overtired at night - but she only usually goes for x2 30 mins and can never sustain it longer.
am getting it all wrong.

I think you are over thinking this. A routine is simple things done repetitively at relatively consistent times.

So,
Wake up
Wash
Dress
Breakfast
Nap
Wake
Play
Feed - lunch
Nap
Wake
Play
Feed - tea
Play
Bath
Feed
Bed

Times are irrelevant tbh except the bedtime. Once that's set the others kind of fall in place and I BET you really do most things at similar times in a day across a week really. Honest!

She's loved, fed, cuddled, clothed, clean that's getting it all right in my book.

If you would like a sort of routine what has helped for me is doing things in a routine for the majority of the week- Monday to Friday works best for my life but allowing baby to work around that. Mine have then fallen into a routine based on 'my' schedule.

For example I get up at 6 and baby is fed anytime between 6-8 (generally about 7 at the moment but two weeks ago the usual time was 6). I leave the house at 8:30 for the school run and he naps while we are out. Back home at 9:30, out again for coffee/shops/music/anything around 10 and he feeds at around 10:30 (but can be as early as 10 or as late as 11). School run again and naps (sometimes for longer sometimes is a grump) again. Then another feed around 2 (before another school run). Home then maybe a feed before a bath. If he's had a feed before the bath then he'll snooze after his bath before he's ready for a big final feed before night, if not he's generally a grump until he'll settle enough for a big feed after the bath. He then wakes once (typically) in the night (9-6).

That's our routine, but the school runs are such a strong feature as well as escaping the house each day and we do bath time every night that its worked around that. I've picked the activities and he picks what he does around that. He's also 5 months old.

I've never really pushed the going to sleep in a cot/crib in the evening. If he settles bonus, if he doesn't cuddles. He's gradually got used to it and does it more times than not now. We just do bath, feed, dimmed lights and cuddles.

Some babies only need longer naps once they are more active. My first only had long naps once he was crawling (wearing himself out).

It is hard work but there is no magic one size fits all. She is a very lucky girl to have a mum who will give her everything she needs.

you are all very lovely and encouraging!

I think I am over-thinking it - and to be honest I'm driving myself a bit mental. Had a little weep this afternoon - a bit pathetic but I just feel like a bit of a waste of space - like I've not really been properly engaged as a SAHM

wish had done more preparation / research and worked harder keeping a log or something in the start - and then I could have taken a conscious decision either to do a routine or not - rather than reaching desperation point with all these thoughts going round in my head of different ways to do it.

I should add my dd is fabulous - she has the loveliest temperament and is just a very sweet little girl who I adore more than I ever thought possible.

I am not impressed at myself for not enjoying her more.

Try not to worry about it.

Go with the flow, and offer food when she seems interested/hungry/wants it.

Check out this website for evidence-based info about normal sleep patterns to reassure yourself that all's normal .

Can I also recommend reading "What mothers do" by Naomi Stadlen, and possibly baby led weaning (Gill Rapley).

You are doing a great job

PS there is no law against holding your sleeping baby all evening whilst watching TV . Nor does doing that mean doom and disaster with bedtimes for the rest of their lives. If getting her to settle in a cot is too hard now, forget it and try again in a while when you have the energy and you may find by then she's grown and changed. 5 months is very little yet.

Look, doesn't matter what books you read they haven't met you and they sure as hell haven't met your baby. Most books are prescriptive, do x plus y and all will be well. But life isn't like that. And they can make you feel worse than before.

If your desperate for a book try this one; Naomi stadlen what mothers do. Tbh it's about the only book I'd recommend. But dip in and out. Don't read and live by it xxx

Shiraz hee hee x post :)

This has just reminded me how hard the first few months with the first are. I thought I was doing rubbishly too, but now I realise I wasn't - beyond making sure she's fed, warm, and cuddled there are no rules! Don't worry about weaning. She is a human being so she will most likely want to eat food - especially if you do it when you're eating too so she gets the idea of what she's meant to be doing.

I think a bed time routine is a good idea purely because it's a marker in the day and she will get used to it, but as someone upthread says if you spend the evening cuddling her in front of the telly who cares? She's titchy!

Nobody knows innately what to do with babies OP. Some babies are easier than others, some mothers love routine more than others. Don't worry I bet you're fab.

I think there is a lot of peer pressure on this issue. I remember getting quite worked up when DS was about 12 weeks and we didn't have 'a routine', asking all my friends for advice about what they did when. Often people will say they have a routine, even though their days are probably as different from each other as yours are - in their mind they are following a pattern, even if they deviate from it! So partly it is a state of mind, and depends on your personality as to whether you want that or not. I have come to the conclusion (DS 7 months now) that we have nicer days when I stop thinking about what we should be doing, and just enjoy what we are doing!

Oh who cares about routine? DD is 2 and we still don't have one. Personally think going with the flow is a life skill kids should learn :-)

I could have written this post 2 months ago. 8 months in and still no real routine, but the second I stopped stressing about it I felt happier. Baby is cheerful and growing like crazy so I'm doing ok.
Naps are a battle so I walk around like the living dead some days but things will change.
As for weaning don't stress. Just try her on food whenever she's alert and happy. Some days our first 'meal' is at 7am and some days 10. Some days she wants it and not others and food she likes one day she changes her mind the next.
Can't advise on formula I'm afraid, I've not managed that one. But for the third day in a row dd has happily chewed on the bottle teat so I'm going to keep going and not force it.
If you adopt a go with the flow attitude its like a weight lifts inside you and you can enjoy your baby for who she is.
And as for comments screw them.

Morning penny. How you doing? :)

hello
thank you for asking - I'm doing okay - much less emotional
due to all your your kind words - which are immensely reassuring -its not what I expected at all to be honest. I was expecting specific advice on how to implement a routine but instead it is quite nice to hear that maybe the best thing is to relax a bit
I do find that hard though. I just desperately want to get this right you know?
my dh, bless him, was really good last night when I was stressed out, but said 'you are enjoying this though aren't you?' think he was scared that I'm not happy - and it made me think. I really am so happy, a sort of deep level happiness that I never thought I would get. but day to day I'm on edge because of this planning thing - and I guess because it's all I have to think about it's become an obsession.
I'm at a bit of a loss to think of how to get my head out of obsessive thoughts other than keep reading your advice.

I would go to the GP and ask for some counselling or CBT. I suffered from obsessive thoughts after the birth of each of my 2 children and I wish I had gone sooner for CBT because it really helped - taught me how to deal with negative thoughts as they arose. It doesn't make the bass thoughts GI away but hero's you recognise them for what they are.

Having a baby is such a massive thing it would be odder if it didn't make us feel a bit weird at times!

Arg typos! Go away and helps you!

You are getting it right

You won't stop worrying, it goes with the territory, but honestly, you are doing the right things. It will get easier too.

It may well be the long term sleep deprivation affecting your mental health a bit - I am at a similar stage with my second. i'm much less stressed about this baby, though, because the first one has eventually got into her own routine (at 2!). My second one is 5 mo and is starting to go to sleep at 9pm ish, and will wake about three times a night for a feed and wakes up for the day at about 9am. he needs a nap about an hour after waking up, and usually about every two hours after that until bedtime. all this is very 'ish' though. You're doing great!

if you really want to get into a routine, just try doing the same things at the same time - go for a walk every day at the same time, giving a feed before and after you go, have your lunch, snacks etc at same time and see how your LO fits in around it. Are you going back to work? If not, no need to worry about it at all.

I was similar to you and felt all out of synch not having a routine when my dd was this age. In the end I went the whole hog and got a copy of the contented baby book, I totally understand that Gina Ford isn't everyones cup of tea but for me it was like someone throwing me a lifeline.

I think when I started implementing a routine it went roughly something like this;

7am - milk

9am - nap

10am - milk

12pm - nap

2pm - milk

4pm - short nap

6pm - bath

7pm milk and bed

Needless to say this didn't happen everyday but it gave me something to work to and as someone who was completely clueless about babies I found it helpful.