Am I harsh or are my friends too soft?

[colditz]

Ds1 has autism and ADHD, he's ten, and ds2 is 7. Both of them have a set chore to do. Ds1's chore is to load and unload the dishwasher, every day, and ds2's chore is to fetch dirty clothes from all over the house and put them in the wash basket.

I've mentioned this before to friends, and some of them are horrified that I make ds1 do chores every day. To quote one, "He's a disabled child, how could you make him do housework!!??"

But my reasoning is that he is capable of doing it, it doesn't exhaust him, and he is reasonably willing. I have a harder job getting ds2 to help, because he's a bit lazy.

So, mumsnet jury, am I being mean? Is it beyond the pale to make a disabled child do chores that he sometimes really doesn't want to do?

Nope, I'm with you. It is good for them to help a llittle, and those chores aren't taxing.

DD1 is 6, her job is to bring the bins down for emptying,manages me trekking up2 flights of stairs. DD2 will have a job when she is old enough.

I don't think you're being mean. I think that sounds perfectly reasonable. I don't think your son's disability prevents him from helping out around the house. In fact, I think your approach is probably helping him enormously - nice, clear rules to follow and his self-esteem boosted too because he is contributing.

Both mine have chores to do - based on their ability. The older they get the more they are expected to help.

How else do they learn that the housework fairy isn't going to cook and clean up after them?

YANBU. Sounds like you have managed to reasonably-sized and well-defined chores there - I'm impressed.

No my two with autism have chores to do too. So long as they aren't beyond their capabilities then there isn't a problem that I can see. Plus I want mine to learn to do stuff for themselves so chores are vital to them learning self help skills.

Nope, prefectly reasonable IMO. I wonder how your dopey mates' DCs will cope when they realise it doesn't just all happen by itself.

it's not as if you're trying to make him do something he's not capable of, if he was disabled and couldn't walk without sticks and you were making him go up and down stairs for 2 hours that would be vvu, you're asking him to move a couple of plates, and you never know it may help him focus with his ADHD

It's your friends that are soft - doing their dc no favours in the long term. INVHO, everyone who lives in a home should do what they can (each according to their ability and time) to contribute something to the smooth running of said home.

DS is 16mo and takes his dirty clothes and dish to the kitchen with help obviously but the point is it's never to young to start them helping.

Nope. Chores create structure and routine.

Not at all. Ds's jobs are to return his dishes to the kitchen when finished, and to put his laundry away. He's 4. Not that he's consistent at them, he gets distracted, but have to start somewhere. Putting things in the bin for me started as soon as he could walk. Though dd puts stuff that isn't rubbish in the bin so may escape that until she's older.

If the child is able to comprehend the task, they ought to do a share of making the household work - especially if you hope they can live independently or semi-independently in future.

I guess I am hoping that he will live independently. I see him managing just fine as long as I teach him his life skills, because it's not going to be something he can pick up when he moves out, like I did. I think it's MORE important that he learns to do chores, because if he ever gets into the habit of not doing it, he may not ever do it.

Your friends are too soft. You are entirely correct in your approach.

I think your approach is perfect, and as you say he needs to be taught life skills in a way that NT children don't.

Dd1 has had chores since she was about 5 or 6, and dd2 (3) will have chores as soon as it saves me time/energy for her to do it rather than me.

How else is he to learn to do things himself.

I know it's not AIBU, but YANBU.

Doing chores is learning about the responsibilities of life. I think mollycoddling someone because they're disabled (as your friend seems to suggest you should) is wrong and sets the wrong example.

Your friends haven't thought this through.

It is not as if his disability is exposing him to intolerable pain if he loads the dishwasher.

Instead it is precisely because of his disability that you need to put that extra work into teaching him life skills, because it will be harder for him to pick things up instinctively.

I sometimes wonder if people with NT children believe that if you have SN you can just sit down and ready cooked meals will fly into your mouth.

What cory said.

Not mean at all. Mine do the same! Yes they have disabilities, but that doesn't mean they sit in the corner as pampered princes, watching the world go by as they are waited on hand and foot!

Plenty of things they cannot do, but plenty of things they CAN do! giving them a task that they can do teaches responsibility, independence, builds self esteem far more than taking the "oh poor little x is disabled and can't do anything"route.

Keep it up. Our job as parents of disabled kids is to do everything in our power to help our kids to be all and achieve all they can be.

Chores are a part of life. In my opinion, your approach is far healthier and better for them than the 'pity' approach that your friends appear to have!

Keep it up!

FFS your friends are dippits. If you were making some poor frail child scrub floors till his fingers bled then that would be a different matter. For the vast majority of people who are living with a disability, learning how to deal with ordinary parts of life comes with the territory, whether that's household chores or anything else. Do they think your DS is going to have some live-in helper for the rest of his life to deal with his dishes? Or do they think you ought to wait on him hand and foot for the rest of your life when he's perfectly capable of learning to do this kind of stuff for himself?

Everyone ought to know how to look after a household. Every child ought to be contributing in some way to their family home. And, as you say, far better that you take the time and patience to teach him these things now than leave it until he gets older.

Far from being harsh, you're teaching your two valuable ways of behaving - and good on you for giving your elder son the same chance to help

YANBU, actually I think you're helping your DS1 more by doing this. I worked with loads of teens with SN and spent many, many hours teaching them basic skills, their parents rarely did. I'm not saying they were bad parents, it just never seemed to occur to them to teach their children how to load a washing machine/make a sandwich/rinse a shower etc. By giving your DS small chores and gradually increasing them as he gets older you're teaching him valuable life and self care skills.

My DS1 (11) also has ASD as well as GDD and I've always made him do age-appropriate bits and pieces.

Sounds fine as you say he's capable. I actually am pleased you are including him in jobs, family etc. I think that's probably far more helpful than not.

Your friends are plonkers.
So your other 'non-disabled' child can do chores but he can't?
If he had limited mobility which made the chore you were asking him to do difficult then oerhaps yes but you are teaching him a life skill wich can only be good.
Just need to train my two.............