Am I harsh or are my friends too soft?

[colditz]

Ds1 has autism and ADHD, he's ten, and ds2 is 7. Both of them have a set chore to do. Ds1's chore is to load and unload the dishwasher, every day, and ds2's chore is to fetch dirty clothes from all over the house and put them in the wash basket.

I've mentioned this before to friends, and some of them are horrified that I make ds1 do chores every day. To quote one, "He's a disabled child, how could you make him do housework!!??"

But my reasoning is that he is capable of doing it, it doesn't exhaust him, and he is reasonably willing. I have a harder job getting ds2 to help, because he's a bit lazy.

So, mumsnet jury, am I being mean? Is it beyond the pale to make a disabled child do chores that he sometimes really doesn't want to do?

You are doing the right thing! It would be a disservice to your DS1 if you didn't involve him. Yes, there may be certain tasks it would be unreasonable to expect him to do but you are focussing on his capabilities.

I'm disabled and my motto is 'don't let what you can't do get in the way of what you can'.

If your ds is capable of what you are asking then you are right to let him help.

Being able to contribute positively to family, friends and society in general is really important for self esteem. Its shit when everyone assumes you can't do anything just because you happen to be disabled.

So in my opinion, you're giving your son the skills and discipline to do this now and in the future.

Mine both have autism and I am making damned sure that they can do as much as possible. cooking (careful supervision atm!) making tea and coffee, cleaning, washing, etc. I'm teaching them it all.

Independent living skills. Vital.

It's rather patronising of your friends to do the whole 'aaah, poor little disabled boy' thing, tbh.

You're not being mean at all.

You are being a great parent and thinking about their future as well as helping them feel part of the family team. Our job is to help our children become as independent of us as possible.

You've prompted me to revisit the chores that my DC seem to have lapsed with. Thanks.

Colditz YAsoNBU. In fact it's admirable, because it's easier to just let them do nothing in a way.

Cory said everything I wanted to say but more clearly than I could ever put it.

All of my children have chores - including my 'disabled' child. DS2 is 15 and has asperger's and every day he is expected to sweep the bathroom, landing, stairs, hallway and kitchen and wash the kitchen and bathroom floors twice a week. My eldest is 19, he does the dishwasher, cuts the hedge and babysits DS3 sometimes and does other jobs as and when we need. DS3 is 6 and he sets the table for dinner and helps clear afterwards.

No, you shouldn't expect anything from him. He's disabled! He can't do anything!

In other words I agree with you and think your friends are being rather stupid.