What do you tell your child re stranger danger?

[TwistTee]

My DH tried to have a conversation with dd, who is almost 5, about strangers. He asked her what she would do if a stranger offered her sweets to go with him. Dd said she would take them and go, so DH tried to explain why that's a bad idea without going into too much detail but he isn't sure she gets it.
Today, at a busy softplay, I tried again but all she has is lots of questions about why she can't go with strangers or talk to them.

So what do you tell your kids at age 4 almost 5, without scaring them? Dd is one who will dwell on things hence our wanting to be careful how we approach this.

I fucking loathe stranger danger so I never ever raised that.

I told my DC that I would be very worried and upset if I didn't knw where they were so they couldn't go anywhere, with anyone unless we (dh or I ) actually told them.
That even meant friends mummies and daddies or anyone who said 'your mummy said...'

We explained it truthfully but as age appropriately as we could.

Something along the lines of "Not all people are very nice, most people are but some people are poorly in their minds and this makes them do things to other people that are very naughty and sometimes people are just nasty people who like hurting other people. You should never go off with anyone you don't know etc etc."

I have always said to dd that she is never to go anywhere with anyone for any reason unless she checks first. Be that the next door neighbour, a friends parent, complete stranger etc. I impress that it is my job to know that she is safe and that it is implicit that i can trust her.

What Pag said.
I've never told my dc they can't talk to people they don't know, as there are times almost daily when they are expected to talk to people they don't know, and I think that's confusing. The important thing is that they know they must be able to see you (= you can see them) and, that they must never go anywhere (again, even into houses/cars of friends, etc) without coming and asking me or dh if it was alright to do that then, on that particular day.

Never talk to strangers is too over the top though. If someone chats o them I want them to talk back. If they lose sight of me in a shop theyve been told to go to the till and under no circumstances to go outside, even if a grown up says im outside waiting for them.
I do seem tk be surrounded by peolle who are petrified of stranger danger which I rate quite low on my worry-o-meter but very relaxed about traffic, which petrifies me.

What Pag said.

Stranger Danger is so rare. Unlike child abuse within families for example. Are you going to tell your kid not to sit on Grandad's knee as well?

I read this a while ago, and think it really makes sense.

Tricky people are the new strangers

That almost everyone in the world is nice. However, there are a very small number of people who are really, really horrid. You can't always tell who they are straight away. so you should never go off with people you don't know. As most people are nice, you should always answer people who speak to them.

Hmm not sure about a mum with kids. Ive told dc if they cant find the till to talk to an adult with young children. Logic being theyve probably also had this sort of conversation with their own children and have thought through all the issues.

Some really useful tips, thanks everyone. DH and I will regroup and try again.

Same as Paggy. DD knows I must know where she is at all times. She must never go anywhere or do anything with anybody unless sanctioned by me. Doesn't matter if it's a teacher, the doctor, a family friend, her friend's parent or even a family member I suppose. The decisions rest with her father and me. And not somebody telling her 'mummy says'. Either I tell her or the school secretary passes on a message that a different person is collecting her (one of only 3 people authorised to do so). Otherwise, she checks with me first.

Don't say never talk to strangers. That way they'll never interact with anyone- there are lots of lovely conversations for children to have with strangers on buses and in supermarkets and so on.

Say it's fine to talk to anyone if you're with mum or dad. And that if your mum and dad don't know where you are thy will be really scared and upset, so stay in sight and never go off with anyone.

A really important message to get across is that if somebody tells you to keep a secret, that doesn't mean from mum or dad. No nice grown up would ever ask a child to keep a secret from mum or dad, and they don't have to to do it.

Exactly. Children are very literal and id hate to stop their conversations with the majority of lovely people who are strangers. Plus if they get split up from me in a shop I want them to talk to a stranger

And we differentiate between secrets and surprises. If we have a surprise for grandad then we dont tell him. But they know if they did tell by accident no one would be angry really.

Oh and I tell them about the time I was at primary school and a group of us went off with some woman to see some puppies...we all talk about how silly I was :o

The whole stranger danger thing irritates me as it has bred a fear of people just trying to be friendly. I have two stories to tell of how it goes wrong and turns into something else. The first was with MIL in a restaurant and all MIL said was hello - I have never seen a child run so fast;

The second was when we were in the park and my dad was kicking a football. I was there with DH and baby (obvious we were all together). Little kid started talking about football so my dad starts kicking to him and asking him what football team he supports (hardly personal). I have never seen a mother go so wild "didn't I tell you not to talk to strangers" to her DS.

What I am teaching DS (now 4) is to be respectful of adults, most are good as a first lesson and as a second lesson be aware - don't hand out personal details. It is all so overdone.

DeadlyDonkey I was coming on to share that exact blog!
As someone who has direct expiearience of this, I love the concept of 'tricky people' adults NEVER need to ask children for help and a responsible adult will always let you tell your parents where you are going. A tricky person can be anyone from an uncle, grandparent, father, auntie, teacher or family friend.

Il prob use stranger danger, I know it's harsh but I live in total fear that someone will take my babies away from me. I also know I'm over paranoid. I nearly bought one of those tag bear things that they can wear on their clothes with a radar thing. Going away nxt wk and I know we'l be out and about alot.

Do you have the same fear about traffic though?

Re the sweet thing - rather than making it about stranger danger, just get her to ask you if its ok before accepting sweets from anybody, then you don't make it a big issue.

Has anybody ever actually been offered sweets by a stranger trying to entice them, or know anybody that has?

Totally agree with seeker about the secret thing. That's a really important thing to get across

I am trying to focus on the fact that you can talk to strangers but never GO anywhere with them or approach their cars.

Someone around here tried to pick up a little girl on the way home from school last week - her parents had established a secret word that any approved person would know if they had really sent someone to pick her up. It worked....she asked for the word and ran away when he didn't know it. I think that is a fabulous idea.

Debbie1412

The point is not that 'stranger danger' is harsh - the point is that it doesn't work.

If you teach children to be frightened of strangers the they will assume that you mean some evil bloke wearing a cloak and saying 'mwahahahaha'.