What do you tell your child re stranger danger?

[TwistTee]

My DH tried to have a conversation with dd, who is almost 5, about strangers. He asked her what she would do if a stranger offered her sweets to go with him. Dd said she would take them and go, so DH tried to explain why that's a bad idea without going into too much detail but he isn't sure she gets it.
Today, at a busy softplay, I tried again but all she has is lots of questions about why she can't go with strangers or talk to them.

So what do you tell your kids at age 4 almost 5, without scaring them? Dd is one who will dwell on things hence our wanting to be careful how we approach this.

Debbie- the problem with using stranger danger is that children just arent't at risk from strangers. So telling them that they are scares them and doesn't protect them at all.

And it's also incredibly important not to project your fears onto your children- you admit yourself that you are over fearful.......

Very interesting.

Just one point that I think I remember hearing-to a child aged under about 7 'stranger' is a relative concept i.e. if they are talking to someone for a few minutes they then don't think of them as a 'stranger' any more.

I don't know if someone who knows better can clarify that?

I used to tell my children if they got lost to either go into a shop and tell the shopkeeper, or go to a 'mummy' who was with some children and tell her.

It's quite difficult to get it right between not being alarmist but making sure they are clear about what they should do.

More 'dangerous' to children Is the people that make them feel uncomfortable. So few strangers cause danger in comparison to known persons (ie abuse etc) although media representations can be partly to blame for the stranger danger phenomenon - although recent cases (like the girl in Wales) show that known persons are more of a problem so it's important to explain this too!

As part of my old job we ran a session about personal safety, acting out a 'stranger' approaching a group of children and trying to entice them away. They were in a dark alley.

The idea was to scare them (a bit) and then discuss the feelings - to recognise them if they felt them with ANYONE and to tell a teacher/parent and not keep secrets from mum/dad.

It's way more important IMO to discuss what to do if lost/lose sight of mum/dad and then to discuss safety with regards to how people make them feel

I've never known what to say, the only real life case of abuse I know of was a family friend, not a stranger.

DD1 wouldn't have gone off with anyone who made her feel uncomfortable. She has a hard enough time with her own peer group and takes everyone with a pinch of salt

DD2 would, she's makes friends very easily and has a far less cynical view of the human race.

Both are always right, so anything mum says is likely to be ignored.

Fortunately, DD2 is also very sensible and doesn't loose the adult or friends she's with, she's not likely to be found in her own.

I've told my kids that if any grown up ever makes them feel uncomfortable then it's okay to not be polite about saying so, loudly, and to come and tell me or Daddy and we'd not be cross.

There are dangers in "never talk to strangers". Thinking of the possibilities of lost child wandering off in the direction of deep river or motorway because they have only been taught to avoid help, not how to access it safely.

And what if we were out together and I had an accident or a heart attack? Or even if we were in the house and the same thing happened?

Never go off with anyone, do not keep secrets, your body is your own- these seem far safer concepts.

I've just been talking to dh about this. He's a police officer and has recently done an attachment to child protection. Sadly, he was very busy indeed and he says that in four months, dealing with at least 3 cases a week, he never encountered abuse, grooming or untoward behaviour from strangers. The perpetrators were always known to the child and in most cases, in a position of trust. He said the most important thing he would instil in any child is that nobody should ever ask them to keep secrets. I expect dd to trust and obey staff at school because it's part of being a good student, but I know from dh that there are schools near to me right now where staff have been investigated, charged, prosecuted etc for doing exactly what it is that parents fear most.

Oh yes I'm def concerned about traffic esp car parks. That's already been talked from when he started walking and not wanting his pushchair. Strangers have only been on my mind recently as he's now 2.9 and will talk to anyone he sees .

Was we not all brought up and told not to talk to strangers. We all manage to get through the day mixing in the community it didn't inhabit me in anyway. But I knew not to approach cars if being asked for directions. Not to accept sweets or lifts and walk on well lit roads.

Given what ShowOfHands' dh said (and this is borne out by all the statistics I have seen) it seems that teaching your child to be suspicious of all strangers (=non-family members) could very easily put them in a position where they are unable to ask for help if they are being abused.

Another point is that a small child will soon grow into a big child, and unless he has learnt how to interact pleasantly and normally around other people, a teenager is more likely to get into trouble by being perceived as a danger to others.

You can't spend the first 7 years feeding your child the line that all strangers are evil and then expect him to suddenly morph into the kind of teenager who comes to the assistance of the old lady who falls in the middle of the zebra crossing.

"Was we not all brought up and told not to talk to strangers."

No.

I was brought up not to go with anyone and not to approach cars. That is not the same as not allowing a child to speak to somebody who addresses him in a safe setting.

The trouble with saying "don't talk to strangers" is that you have to qualify it all the time "Well, obviously you're allowed to ask the lady in the shop for your ice cream. And it's really rude not to answer granny's friend when he talks to you......... , I know they're strangers.......Well, that's different....... It just is."

But I'm not saying you have to make out all strangers are evil. Their does need to be a middle ground I'm just saying they need to be aware very aware actualy. Just as much as you you need to teach them about what a safe an unsafe setting is. Ie in a school, play group, social activity them its fine. In the street or park play ground then maybe not so much???

I wasn't taught stranger danger either. At a very young age, then the onus was on my parents to keep me safe, whether that was from the traffic around me or the very tiny, almost non-existent threat of a predatory stranger. As I got older, I was aware that it was behaviour/intentions which I needed to be aware or mindful of, not a specific group of people. If the tangible threat of abuse lies in those we know, then knowing about boundaries and acceptable behaviour is the only defence against this. Both other people's behaviour and dd's own behaviour I must stress. So she must tell me where she is at all times (this is her responsibility) and she must not be told to keep secrets (this is the responsibility of other adults). I have to let my daughter explore the world. She goes to school for 30hrs a week and I'm not there. I largely trust the people who look after her, the procedures in place and I have to believe her safe and there is nothing to gain from me teaching her that all strangers are a threat. Mostly because they aren't but because the man who drives her to school on the bus and gives her a cheery hello, the woman coming into the classroom to show her some puppets, the old lady who stops her because she's dropped something in the street, the old man who tells her a joke in the shop queue and on and on and on, they are all people who dd should be polite to. Their behaviours aren't a problem. The term stranger is meaningless. If dd is introduced to her aunt's work colleague because we bump into him in a shopping centre, then the next time she sees him, she has a label for him. He is Bob who works in Aunty Bernard's office. He's not a stranger. Does this make him different to Fred, the man walking past right now who dd has never met? Nope. A stranger isn't a threat. A stranger is just most people.

But they don't need to be very aware of stranger danger- because they are not in danger from strangers!

What seeker and ShowOfHands just said.

What they need to know is that there are certain things they must not do: go off without telling your parents, agree to keep things a secret from mum or dad, get into somebody's car without mum or dad knowing.

Not that people can be divided into strangers=dangerous and non-strangers=safe.

Otherwise they will happily go off with the dangerous abuser because they have met him several times and he is not a stranger (note that April Jones' murderer was known to the family). But be too scared to ask for help when they are lost and wandering off in the direction of the river.

It's not about who or where, it's about what.

I remember my parents teaching me about stranger danger, we were in our kitchen and my dad had a bag of sweets, he said, pretend if I'm a stranger and I try and talk to you, what will you do? our answer was walk away, thats right, says my dad. My sister pipes up, but what about if {enter really obscure, but valid reason here} can we talk to a stranger then? my dad says yes of course you can. So my sister again comes up with another reason, and my dad says yes you can talk to a stranger then. this went on for some time with my dad saying yes, in that case you can talk to a stranger. my sister looks at my dad completely confused and asked, so when cant we talk to strangers? my dad was just laughing at this point, and conceded that actually you cant not talk to strangers.

I wish my parents were able to click on some of the links ablove, and debbie if you havent yet read them you really should, I went on to be abused on 3 seprate occasions, all by trusted family friends. my baby brother was also being groomed when the man was arrested, the man was a trusted family friend.

Strangers were never the danger, but people who befriended our parents in the hope of getting to their children Debbie, your views actually make me quite scared for your children. it almost feels like a blind blinkerd view that only strangers are going to hurt your children. I can assure you this is not the case. please listen to the advice and statistics on the links and that have been quoted on here and re think what you talk to your children about.