Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

shakey I can relate to the family meal situation, when with relatives and you're holding your baby yet no one steps in to help feed him/her. This has happened to me on several occasions when out socially (not that it happens very often!) and I feel a rage, as if to say 'why is no one even offering to help me here - give me five minute to eat my meal in peace when it's still hot - pleeeeeeeeeeeease!!'

Wish I didn't sweat the small stuff, honestly, I really do. But somehow I cannot switch off. So many things just get to me.

"Everyone else doesnt bother because if you try and do anything its not right, but then she moans no one helps. She gets worked up aboult the smallest things no one else would even notice or care about. She puts all the pressure on herself no one even cares about all the little bits."

Haha goodness that's me! When I've read it like that, I sound like a raving loon.

Irnbru that's me too!

I do trust my dh, he is the one calling me for clarification!

But as he doesn't EVER cook, I am the one who picks the ingredients.

And please don't tell me to give him the freedom to cook. I have told him/asked him many times if he'd like to cook but he says he can't and that is that. He'll then suggest McDonald's, which I take him up on if I'm too tired to cook!

Please don't make this my fault too ;-) I already feel guilty about so many things and don't need more worries. I worry about providing the family with a healthy diet, enough fresh air and exercise, listening and talking, not too much tv/screen time/sugar, etc etc etc. There is so much pressure to be a perfect mother and wife AND slim and beautiful. Backing off sounds so easy but I don't know how to actually do it.

Thebestpossible I'm with you on this! Not stressing small stuff is all very well in theory but very hard to do, especially when you have things like DH phoning from supermarket about what is effectively the small stuff!!
( and when you are running the entire show for kids and him too! And you are at the bottom of your own list of priorities)

Mine are 8 and 12 and I still have the anxiety that something will happen. My concern is always water. DP can not swim so every time we walk anywhere near a pond or lake, go to the beach or to friends who have a pool I put myself between the Dcs and the water. Even if its only ankle deep! I can't relax whereas DP is oblivious.

A few years ago we went to a BBQ and the garden was huge, the grounds were lovely with lots of hiding places and a huge 10ft drop off the end of the lawn with steps either side. All of the children were running around on the top terrace. All the parents were drinking and chatting whilst I spent my time pacing along the terrace. In the end I organised hide and seek on the lower terrace to prevent any accidents. DP said "what a lovely relaxing afternoon" as we left. For him maybe.

Another indicator for me as to where I come in my prorities is my hair. I hAve a fringe which needs trimming and get my hair coloured or do it at home to cover greys. Often my hair is desperately needing colouring and my fringe is way too long for ages. Yet in this time DH will manage to book in for a trim of his own hair (always irritating).
I wonder how he does it.
The difference is he thinks to book his hair cut and then goes along to it, I think to book mine but then don't because I'm busy booking / organising other stuff. It's my own fault. And when I do book it, I actually feel guilty for leaving the kids and anxious about the baby who is 6mo.

Whoever keeps saying don't sweat small stuff etc will think this is ridiculous, which it is, but it is how I feel nonetheless

Ha Mini! Have been in this sort of situation too! I don't understand how Dps can be so oblivious to danger.

dogsareeasier -- I too know women on "part time" with less pay but basically full time responsibility. That (along with the fact that I also pay the mortgage) is one of the reasons I decided to go back full time, since I couldn't see the point in just getting less money. One friend told me that she realised all she had done was negotiate a pay cut. And another is now facing the problem of she's supposed to return to full time in June, and thus will be expected to do more, even though she's already doing a full time load! She did mention this (with evidence, as we've recently all done an exercise where we track our hours), but I don't know if it'll be taken on board.

I know I'm tons of lucky that my job is flexible enough that I make my own hours and arrangements, but that is also part of the problem: I think it would be better if no one had to work 11 hour days, but the person who puts in half an hour more looks that much better and so everyone ends up doing as much as humanly possible just to look like everyone else. I just hope I can keep the quality up while doing less hours, but that's the fear I have, that I'm not. And what I can't tell is how much is just psychological and how much is I'm just not measuring up. (So far everyone seems to think I'm doing fine, but I don't feel like I am.)

And even though DH is main child care during the week, I also find I am doing the "little things" and being PA (I love that way of saying it!). I see what you're saying petey -- I too can be very particular, but I really try not bother about those things. It's stuff like if I always end up cleaning the crumbs off the highchair before dinner, because DH never does from lunch. And if I don't dress DD before I go, I'll come home to find her still in PJs (okay, I suppose she's a baby and doesn't care what she wears, but that means she's now worn her PJs all day and while I normally let her sleep 2-3 nights in the same PJs, that means I can't and so have to wash them instead and she has less PJs than regular clothes which means the washing will have to be done mid-week when I have less time, and I end up hanging out laundry when I should be working at home...). And that sounds tiny and petty, but piles of stuff like that can get tiring! I completely appreciate how much DH does, and know I could not work like I do without his help, but why is it always me who has to remember the baby bag when we both go out, etc?

I think sleep deprivation and bf make me rather loopy, definitely. Coupled with never having time to myself/ourselves. I desperately miss my dh.Baby (11 months) simply will not go to/stay asleep on her own so even the evenings are never free. MIL took both of them out for a walk yesterday and we had our first non-sneaky, more than a quickie shag since she was conceived.

Five years between my two and the eldest didn't sleep through until she started school.

DH is brilliant with both of them and very, very involved but just wish he'd offer to take them both out of my hair at the same time occasionally, rather than wait for me to have a meltdown.

To dive in, only on page 5 of this thread, but curry I went to the GP two weeks ago. Am so anxious, low, exhausted, etc. and said that I felt like I was asking her to medicate life. This is how life is in early thirties, working, two pre-schoolers and a DP who tries but just doesn't get it. I totally related to the wet bedding anecdote. I love that on MN I totally see myself talking back at me. Not people horrified that being a mother isn't the best thing I've ever done. It's not.

Now finished thread. Totally agree with so many points. The boredom, lack if choice, time alone and the anger... Thank you for starting this OP.

This thread is wonderful and I identify with so much. Thank you.

Curry your Doctor Who analogy is perfect, that's it exactly! I'm me, but I'm different. I used to be so confident, sociable and independent, now I'm riddled with anxieties and some mild OCD traits that I've had for years are much worse.

I'd love a Bernard's Watch some days (I actually dream of owning one, as though it's real). I'd pause everything and then go to bed, or just stare into space, you know? Just be.
I've always liked my own company and am quite content when alone.

I love my children and I try my best but I find playing quite boring tbh. I hope I don't fuck them up too much.

YY to almost every point raised on this thread. Thank you OP for starting it.

I crave quiet, seem to constantly crave it. I plan in my mind what i would do with a weekend to myself, where i would go, what i would do, even what i would eat.

I am a SAHM but my disability (hate saying that) limits me as to what i can do and it would certainly affect my chances of getting/holding down a job so i feel a bit redundant and useless either way. DH works hard but is oblivious to anything else unless it is spelled out to him. Things did come to a head last June when i threatened to leave and he has improved greatly since then with regards to helping out but it's still so fucking relentless and i am so tired and in constant pain.

I coped with having DD1 at 16 and was blissfully happy after having DS until at 13 months old he had his first fit. I have gone downhill since then and feel i will never, ever be me again. I am just this ticking time-bomb of anxiety and underlying panic waiting to explode. DD2 has been the most difficult child and many a time i have sat and cried and wished we'd stuck at 2 dcs (feel so awful saying that :( ).

I worry that my dcs will look back on their childhood and hate me

Probably on my own here but I found it easier when the dc's were very small as they slept well, happily played in their cots if they woke early and had naps. The naps stopped 2yrs ago and I think that was the beginning of the downward spiral. Going back to work as a LP after my maternity leave didn't help either, I saw more adults on mat leave and was able to work at my / the DC's pace.

I'm an introvert and constantly dealing with the DC's in our tiny house and working is shredding my nerves to pieces.

Another one who hopes I haven't fucked them up too much. I put all my energy into supporting them with their education as at least they won't be massive screw ups if they do well at school.

Big hugs to you all, you heroes.
especially meglet and the others who identify as introverts.

Please can I hijack for little piece of potted me-me-me. Am in tears now because of big row with dp which started when he suggested that this time, when we move house, instead of getting the big van we get a cheaper smaller van to move just our long furniture we can't put in our car, and move the rest "ourselves". DP can't drive. I started gently by pointing out that "you are suggesting swapping money for time. Time is the stuff we don't have" and made a few sarcastic suggestions like "yes, we could be moving our stuff in car loads of boxes instead of going to the gym, or going to parties" (we never go to the gym. We never go to parties)

Eventually it sank in that last time we moved, although we officially had removal men and a big van (they were great), we were so disorganised that the last 9 or 10 car loads of stuff came out of the house by me doing it, on my own, because only I can drive. It almost killed me. I had 4 days leave (4 days I will never get back) to do "house stuff". I was exhausted at the end of it and one side of my back had siezed up. Now he is suggesting we do this voluntarily?!
I got cross and he got very aggressive and it became a huge row. He says I have been horrible all weekend. All weekend I have been on the verge of collapse. Out housing situation is horrible but I think I have finally sorted it, after a long long long process, by exchanging contracts on Friday on a house I hope we can stay in forever. The celebration is muted by the fact that the process was so endless and tricky, and I feel so uncongratulated, and drained. And now am seriously being presented with a proposal that I carry shit around in a small car for a few weeks to save a few ££. After work? Instead of sleeping? Instead of work? wtf. wtaf.

In bed but a quick message for you Curry - get the removal men and get them to do the packing too. It's actually not that much (did it recently in central london and was surprised how reasonable it was). It saves a lot of aggro. With 2 kids now I will never pack or move a house myself again!

Stand. Your. Ground!

Curryeater you poor thing that must be incredibly stressful and upsetting:(

as a dyed in the wool introvert I always felt as if any arguments caused me way more stress than they caused my partner, it always felt like he had the hide of a rhino where as I had skin like wet tissue paper.

So sorry, curryeater, that sounds really stressful and upsetting. Doesn't he get that he's asking you to do a huge amount of extra work? Is he often this oblivious?

I second getting movers and getting them to pack. We did it last year and I think having them pack cost about an extra £200. Definitely worth it!

YY removers who pack. It's what you need. They go through the house like locusts, clear EVERYTHING.

Totally relate to 'instead of sleeping? instead of work? wtf?'.

You are not (I know you didn't ask, but you are not) being unreasonable. At all.

Yes. I sometimes feel (and act ) very unwell indeed.
It's all a but much at times isn't it?
Work is good for me too I agree about the weekends as well. Dh works most if them so I'm alone as well ands its so long and depressing and I go to work Monday not feeling refreshed from the weekend.

And the rest of the thread- bloody YES.

Sleep deprivation.

Buck-stops-here responsibility for bloody everything from nursery lunches to after school clubs to bills and getting the building work sorted.

Sleep deprivation.

A day that begins at 5am, ends sometime after 9pm and has no days off, every.

More sleep deprivation.

Seeing 'work' as effective down time as you have some autonomy, space to think etc. And crapping all over my so-called career in the process.

Weekends (long weekends, holidays) being way harder than work.

Introvert central (me me me) buckling under the strain of constant children (I have 3) who want me to comment, admire, be sat on, hold hands, braid hair, tell jokes, listen to jokes, be sat on, carry, fetch, cuddle, story-tell....

I love them more than I could have ever imagined, but I am tired beyond belief, more angry than I knew I was capable of, resentful, exhausted...

Wow, came back to this thread today after a much more relaxing day (DM(a trusty pair of hands) is staying for a couple of days and DP was out the way much of the time- coincidence?) to see it has grown considerably.

Some amazing points have been raised and I can identify with so much, i.e DPs that are well meaning but have no common sense whatsoever or who make more work for us one way or another.

Also DPs on the whole can go back to full-time work and keep up a near normal social life in a way that mothers can't or don't want to(but we still can resent them for that all the same).

And yes that sense of underlying anger. I'm not an argumentative person. I have never argued with partners. I almost always remained friends with boyfriends. I was laid back in relationships. I never nagged or had arguments and yet since my 2nd DC I find myself snapping a lot at DP or fuming silently, or resenting his ability to sleep for 12 hours plus and lie-in or be able to switch off about the children.Our relationship has crashed and burned spectacularly since having children. We only really get on once they are both in bed.

Even if my youngest DD sleeps through as she did last night(for about the fifth time in 2 years), I still feel I haven't had a good night's sleep. I'm hyper alert so I can hear her when she wakes up. I seem to have lost the ability to have a deep refreshing sleep.

I am an introvert too so it was not really the loss of a social life that affected me post DC but the loss of personal space and sufficient downtime during the day.My DC have always been quite clingy and physical and whilst the cuddles are lovely, my choice to breastfeed long-term meant that(as much as I love breastfeeding), I sometimes struggled with the constant physical "manhandling" that that has often entailed.

The story about the poster who was trying to shower with her DD trying to get through the screen really resonated with me too. Too frequently DP has managed to get 30 minutes of peace to get ready. I try and have a quick shower only to have DD1 wailing, shrieking and sobbing because Daddy tried to brush her hair. I then hear DD2 crying "mummy" because she has a) fallen over or b) she wants to see what her sister is doing and she too comes upstairs to find me. I then continue to try to dry and dress with two little people truing to "help me".

This thread is so refreshing.

Since having DCs I have such a quick temper. I spend half the time worrying about the fact I've shouted at the DCs or not been patient enough with them.

I have times where I appear to massively overreact. For example, I'll phone DH to say me and DCs are on our easy home and can he put oven on. I'll get home and he'll have forgotten. And I go MENTAL. Proper banshee, and he'll look at me like I'm insane - 'its no problem, I'll put it on now, don't worry'. But its not the point. Its the fact that no one reminds me to do ANYTHING. I have 50 fucking things going round my head at any one time that I have to remember, and DH can't even the remember the one thing I have asked him to do 2 minutes earlier.

ITs amazing how little things can push me totally over the edge these days. And its because I'm at mental capacity. I can't remember/cope with/do anymore than I am currently doing. And every time DH forgets the oven or the dishwasher or DDs coat or that DS needs to brush his teeth, it pushes me closer to that edge and makes me feel alone.

yy nutsinmay.

Dp told me to go and lie down today at about 3 because I was shattered when we all came in. (Mistimed everything so I was driving while the dcs slept, so no naptime for me to have down time in). I went upstairs, and just when I was about to drop off, they came up and the little one is MENTAL just now. the 4 yo was all "Please can I come in bed? I just want a cuddle" and that would have been ok (tho no sleep of course) but the 2yo would have been pulling my nose and ears off. I got books, sat up in bed with them and read, after weakly pleading with them for 5 mins to go downstairs. In the middle of the story dp bustled officiously up, saying "what are you doing here? Mummy needs a rest." Obviously he had been on the internet and only just noticed they weren't around. then he said "Oh but you are having a story, that's nice" and wandered off again, thinking we were all happy. Well, ok, someone has to mind children and I am their mother. BUT HE THINKS HE GAVE ME A REST. IN HIS MIND RIGHT NOW, HE IS CONGRATULATING HIMSELF FOR GIVING ME A REST WHILE I WAS ACTUALLY READING STORIES TO HIS CHILDREN