Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

I don't think I would have minded if my mother had been honest with me (if she had felt like I did). Personally I think it is a lack of honesty that may be more damaging...

Salbertina, my mother was also very difficult, and probably even more unsuited to being a parent than I am.
My kids seem ok, I'm ok...I dont know what else to say!

Thats enough, v reassuring! So fear I'm rearing future fuck-ups due to my lack of childcentredness, impatience and occasional lashing out. Not a very good parent.

Peteypiranha, it doesn't seem to be about what our dhs do but the fact we as mum are responsible for everything and that most dhs need to be told what to do and how to do it. So we can't cross it off our to do list as we still need to assist. Eg, if my dh goes shopping, he will nearly always call me to ask what to get, even though he has a shopping list, because he doesn't know what size/brand/flavour to get if my suggestion is out of stock. Yet I have to know, I don't call him if I'm in the same situation!

Agree re boredom and needing time alone. I got so fed up of the games and books my dd wanted to share with me. Even though my dd is at school, my dh works from home for now so I am NEVER alone! I just want to take my dog and kindle and go somewhere on the coast for a long weekend! But I do love my children to bits.

Maybe it's worth for 'introverts' who like their own company. It's something I really miss a lot. I've got lots of friends etc but I don't think of myself as 'needing' people or being sociable. I'm happy on my own, and I enjoy silence.

very possibly Financial!

I literally could have written the OP word for word.

I also have 2, and my DD is at school, and I also have that dread at school pick up that the bickering, whining and fighting will start. And it always, always does. It is so bloody draining.

I also cried to my kids a few weeks ago because I couldn't bear their constant bickering/ screeching/ crying any longer.

I would love to look forward to the weekends too, but don't. I also find relief in part-time work.

OP - are you me???

I can only think that things get better. Please let this be true.

I don't think I have depression as such. I just struggle to cope with it all - and who wouldn't?

Sometimes I find myself comfort eating just because it's literally the only thing I've done for myself all day.

YY. I wondered where this was coming from for me. I have eaten very healthily previously (some food issues in teens). But comfort eating has reared its head again. I see it now. The lack of nourishment elsewhere.

Thebestpossibletaste - Are you quite picky? Why cant your dh get any brand he wants. I think some women make it harder for themselves.

This thread has really resonated with me -thank you for starting it OP.

I feel that someone has finally said what I have been (guiltily) thinking for a long time now; and I had no idea others felt this way too- i thought that there was something wrong with me.

DD1 has SN and I know that it all adds to the feelings over exhaustion and being overwhelmed - yet the 'small' thing bug me too: talking to me when I'm trying to clean my teeth, arguing over whose turn it is to choose the TV programme, the daily stress of organising school and activities....

I regularly fantasise about going away on my own, to a remote cottage, and just being -it's been so long since I felt like the old me.

Occasionally, the dc sleep over at the PIL's and DH always says that it's too quiet and he misses them. Which leaves me feeling like crap, because I don't really miss them-I'm just relishing the time alone.

The bomb analogy that was used near the beginning of this thread really sums it up for me- I feel pretty bomb-damaged much of the time!

To all of those with really young dc -it does get a bit better as they get older and the need for constant physical attention does reduce.

Petey, no, I'm not picky. He just can't think for himself, needs detailed info!

Hello OP, and thank you for being honest enough to share how you feel.
TBH I think a lot of mothers lie. You know the ones, the earth mothers who think all children especially hers are wonderful... The ones who speak permanently in a bright voice...doing this for more than one sentence makes me feel ill...
I love my DD, I really do. But there are times that quite frankly I am so frustrated by her not listening or doing as she is told that I get so angry I feel murderous...
My mothering experiences are badly tainted by DD being a really poor breast feeder and eater. She is a lot better now, but for the first three years or so I became v unhappy and it affected my feelings towards her.
I think that if one has MH issues, be it depression, anxiety, OCD whatever,then it is heightened and exacerbated by motherhood.
One of the hardest things to deal with as a mum is the fact that it is relentless, one feels constant anxiety about the child's health and welfare. And unlike anything else in life, you CANNOT get away from your child or switch your mind off completely about them.
I wish more mums told the truth. And I wish our mums had told us the truth about motherhood too.

I should add, he can buy whichever brand he likes but the less information I give him, the more he struggles, it seems. So now I write the brand, the size, the amount in the hope he won't need to ask anything. But most of the time I go myself.

"Eg, if my dh goes shopping, he will nearly always call me to ask what to get, even though he has a shopping list, because he doesn't know what size/brand/flavour to get if my suggestion is out of stock."

Ditto. It does my head in. It exasperates me.

thebestpossible....I find that if you want something doing do it yourself.
YY to having to make detailed notes for men who helpfully offer to do the shopping.
Invariably they come home with the wrong stuff. Or food that doesn't go together on a reasonable persons plate....

My own mother has been honest in the past. Before I had DC, she revealed something to me that struck a chord. It did upset me at the time. She said 'if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have had a family'. What she meant was that it is highly stressful and she sometimes could not cope with DB and myself at times. Takes a lot of courage to admit that. Only now, having two DC myself, do I appreciate what she said to me all those years ago...I feel just the same.

Just dont answer your phone. If he brings the wrong thing just eat that. Dont sweat the small stuff is the key. Dh does everything himself as he just gets on with it as he knows if he rang me I would say Im not bothered get whatever.

"Dont sweat the small stuff"

Are you crazy? That's my middle name! I get in a tiswas about anything.

Me too irnbru.
Is anyone else here on a constant state of alert??
And finds that being so is THE most exhausting thing?
Oh, the guilt.
The self doubt. Am I doing this (parenting) the right way? What if I'm not? My child could die if I'm not doing it right etc etc.
The loneliness.
The fear.
The frustration.
The anger. I don't think I've ever been so angry.
My poor DD.

Yes yes to all of this thread. I am so very glad I am the breadwinner as I couldn't cope being at home with the DCs the way DH is. I went totally bonkers when I was on mat leave both times, PND yes, but also the bloody grind of it all.

I love the very bones of my children but The Fear about all the terrible things that could happen to them paralyses me sometimes. And after weekends - when I look after them on my own and DH works - I am 100% ready to get back to school on Monday morning and spend time teaching other people's kids.

I have constant nagging guilt about the fact that I don't deal terribly well with my DCs when I am outnumbered and I really really worry that my short temper is having a terribly negative impact on them

Best possible - SO TRUE about the shopping!!
(and the assisting in general!)

I have tried that. He then just rings alternatively my mobile and the home phone until I pick up. Don't swear the small stuff? But that for me is part of the problem. It's all small stuff, isn't it, and yet I am stressing about everything. Some days are ok, others worse. I just want to turn it off and not be do stressed and anxious but don't know how. Someone telling me not to be stressed unfortunately doesn't solve the problem.

Thing is (and I mean no disrespect to men) it's intrinsic isn't it? This relentless wheel of motherhood. It reaches us (mothers) first and bloody stays there.

We hear, recognise, react, overreact, soothe, fume, mend, prepare, pre-empt, collect, smother, fume, cry, despair, chase, catch, pat, brush, dress, change, feed, wipe, cuddle FIRST.

We do it. 99% of the time. We know we'll do it because it's an automatic reaction. And the male species knows we will. Therefore can happily hold back. With no urgency. Because we're there.

The first family holiday we went on was truly truly awful (for me). DS was 10 months old. Despite other family members there I had ZERO "help" and did fucking everything. Whilst everyone else lazed around, reading, chilling.

I hardly started never mind finished an evening meal. Not once did someone say "Here, I'll sit next to him and feed him tonight, you relax". I absolutely fumed. In silence. And felt more despair than ever. Used to say "I'll just take him for a walk in the pushchair, try and get him to sleep" the used to just find a wall and sit and cry.

I will add that following that holiday, I made DH watch the holiday video my stepdad had taken which showed me in the background sorting DS every time whilst DH laughed and joked. To be fair, his face drained and he said "I fucked up didn't I?" You think?? Subsequent years have improved tenfold

It's still a journey though.

Oh and PLEASE tell me someone else does the following....

If DS is running or is overexcited and runs off, my heart is in my mouth and I stand stock still. Because logic tells me that should he fall and crack his head open (matter of time) then I will Have.Witnessed. Exactly.How.It.Happened to relay to the doctors ergo them knowing that it wasn't anything I did/didn't do= not a bad Mum

It's mentally exhausting but I don't know how to stop it.

Just think will anyone die if this doesnt get done today/the 'right' way? Trust your dh just because its not your way its not wrong. My mum flaps like this everything has to be exactly right. I would ring her to as if you brought the wrong brand or exact item she would act like the world had ended, so you start flapping and second guessing yourself. I never get like that when Im not with my mum and my dad agrees. If someones on a high state of alert/anxious then its difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else doesnt bother because if you try and do anything its not right, but then she moans no one helps. She gets worked up aboult the smallest things no one else would even notice or care about. She puts all the pressure on herself no one even cares about all the little bits.