Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

x-post with boo canary

yy.

Also, thanks to everyone who sympathised about the moving house. I will look into getting packers, we probably can't afford it but I will suggest it to move the overton window in terms of what I should be doing and what we can pay people to do. Great idea, thanks x

Yes agree BooCanary. I have to remember so many things that I find myself getting completely wound up by the one thing I'm relying on DP to remember do/not do.

DP says " that's a major over reaction" or "You need to stop getting so angry with people" and it just winds me up even more.

He annoying has the patience of Buddha but 9 hours sleep a night(and often more at weekends) will do that to a person won't it?

curryeater . stick to your guns about decent removal services, your H is out of order, but sounds like your housing situation will improve, thanks to you, even if the run up and move is fraught.

mrsrambo, agree completely.

raggedymum, think part of the challenge with working after DC is competing with child-free people and people with SAH partners (usually wonen), who simply do more hours and give more of their energy to work. You are not less competent now, just have more demands on you. My approach is to get as much done as possible in the hours I am prepared to give to work (not as many as I should), try to minimise the self-criticism about my (now much worse) performance, and just try to turn up and cling on!

With regard to the SAHM/expat scenario, it must be infuriating, when isolated and struggling at home, to be expected to feel grateful for everything that "he is providing for the family". The working OH partner is enabled to work all the hours by someone covering absolutely everything at home, with very little DC-free time. And there are many payoffs to working (OH) hard and long hours that have nothing to do with family wealth/wellbeing.

Why is your DH so patient (ie relaxed) and getting so much sleep OP, when you are so stressed and sleep-deprived? Even if ebf surely you should be getting lie-ins or naps in the day?

If one partner is struggling and the other is relaxed and feeling fine, there's something unfair going on.

curryeater Yes moving house is stressful enough(I'm moving soon too). I do hope you get your removal men. I shall be demanding them hopefully!

Oh I must go to bed. To think I could have spend the last 3 hours getting some sleep in- but the night time(on mumsnet, drinking tea and eating crap etc) that's when I really get to be myself for a couple of hours- sad but true.

curryeater glad you have the house sorted now, shame about your DH and the removals. Why not buy him a hand cart or a wheelbarrow and tell him to walk it, he can't drive, not your problem......you can't carry

Stick to your guns. Moving is exhausting at the best of times but with children very stressful. Last time we did it was 6 years ago on the hottest day of August. I have only just recovered! whilst DP was happy to dump the boxes and grab a beer, I was doing my Linda Barker thing, desperate to have everything just so within a few hours and panicking about curtains because I didn't want to scare the neighbours. Good luck with your move.

Dozer- well he does have a different temperement than me. Although I think he does find the house quite stressful to live in at the moment- but he would probably say that was down to me and the way I overreact, get stressed etc.

I think he's a more laid back person anyway and he loves his sleep. Truth is he used to offer me a lie in when we just had one DD but once she was up and I could hear her I just couldn't relax, go back to sleep properly.

Once DD2 was born (2 years ago), I just stopped having the occasional lie in all together. I'm not someone who finds it easy to sleep in the day. So it's my choice I suppose.

PLus he goes to bed really early (9pm tonight). I suppose I just like to have some time up reading/ on internet etc in the evenings having been full- on all day.

Yes, it is unfair, but. But.

It's easy to start down a thought process of 'but he needs more sleep than me (always has)', 'but he finds it harder than me ('tis obvious, just look)', 'but they want me (listen to them shouting mamma, mamma').

Every individual occasion has a 'yes, but'.

And before you know it, you are in a situation where you both appear to be equally shattered, but one of you is doing 80%+ of the 'family' stuff.

I feel very similar to a lot of posts on here. Very similar to you infact OP.

Nearly 5 years of disturbed sleep. DCs that won't leave each other alone, annoying each other all the time. It is so exhausting.
Yes one child was easy, two children are very hard work. Occasionally they do play together (DC 4.5yrs and DD 2.9yrs), but it happens so rarely, that when they do, even then I can't breath a sigh of relief because I know it's going to end in tears very very soon!
A lot of the time i feel anxious, stressed, frustrated and out of control and helpless when I'm with the DCs. And very controlling too. I was never like this before kids.
Yes yes yes, it is easier to be out than in the house. I work 3 days a week (bliss!) and on the 2 days that I'm with them alone, I'm usually out 10-5. If I am at home, it is squabbling over toys, repeated requests of cbeebies, hitting each other, competing for my attention etc. Even when out they do annoy each other, but it is bearable.
And sometimes they do get on and it is lovely.

On the plus side my DH is lovely and does loads of housework and his fair share of childcare. He is good at entertaining them and making them play together. And we do give each other breaks during the weekend, so its' not all bad. But the thing is...I don't need a break from the children, as I do enjoy being with them as they are lovely children really, but it's more the case then when I'm with them alone, I feel like I can't cope, but if there is someone else with me, be it DH, or my parents or a friend, even if they are not physically helping with the DCs, I feel so much better equipped to handle the DCs squabbles and tantrums. But my parents live hours away and I don't meet many friends during the 2 days I have alone with the DCs, so it can get quite difficult.

It has got easier though. I found the first year of DC2 life very very difficult. I took an years maternity leave and by the end of it i wanted to go back to work so much. I was very very down and stressed out. DS was only 21 months when DD was born and still very much dependant on me and took to DD quite badly. it was a very dark time in my life. I went to the GP to be assessed for PND, but it turns out I wasn't depressed, just stressed out.

I feel so much better now that I work 3 days a week.

I do enjoy being with the DCs, I really do. They are both lovely, interesting and funny things and I love them to pieces, but OMG there are some shitty moments of parenting. Last time was when I was at the supermarket and both DCs were running around like loonies grabbing things off the shelves and throwing them around. Trying to knock over the wine bottles, insisting on carrying around yoghurt tubs and huge screaming tantrums when I refused to let DD throw the yoghurt on the floor. Emptying out the cheese section on to the floor. it was very embarrassing and I was so stressed out. I don't normally shop with them, but I had to on this occasion as had run out of basic essentials. it was at the end of the day and they were both tired from a busy day out. I handles it badly and grabbed them and screamed at them repeatedly. I was in tears in the end. That was a BAD DAY.

I also find my thoughts contradicting - I want time without dh but when he goes out it's usually inconvenient because either I end up doing tea and bedtime alone - I barely ever go out (maybe twice a year during the day for coffee with an old school friend but am home for tea time) or gets back so late that he wakes me up after midnight, meaning I'm shattered the next day. I know I'm being unreasonable, but as mentioned by others I seem to be full of anger and resentment that I can't have a life, whatever that entails.

I love my DS, but he grinds me down, stresses and exhausts me. He is very loving and bright, but gets easily upset and angry, often about the most random of things. He can be very cheeky, rude and disrespecful at times and is so persistent, that eventually I usually snap at him. He never takes any blame and at ten, can give any old woman a run when it comes to moaning!

I love him dearly, but he is very hard work and I don't think I would have had the energy for DC2, because of him. I find him harder work and more energy-slapping than a class of 40 Nursery children, to be totally honest. And I struggle to deal with my guilt over this.

Fully admit to not having read whole thread.

In answer to the original question - yes. I've lost my confidence and am suffering from anxiety and have done for 7 years since I first got pregnant.

What affects me most is a/ the noise is relentless and b/ I can never be 'carefree' I am always having to think about what the kids need / want / where they're going etc etc - Dh does not appreciate at all how much effort I put into all these things. If they're ill I have to take on full responsibility because he is useless and especially at night will sleep no matter what even if he's promised to stay awake eg if they're vomiting or breathing is bad or something. This makes me dread them being ill which makes me anxious....

However I do love them and couldn't love them more if I tried. Don't regret having them for an instant but do feel guilty that I'm not the happy go lucky, perfect house owning gym bunny mummy my friends all seem to be!

I've never been on the same wavelength to such an extent before on a MN thread than on this one. I wish I could meet you all at a RL parent/toddler/baby group. I feel very much the same, but have no hope of articulating it thanks to motherhood-diminished mental capacities. After 5yrs I have mostly acquiesced to the SAHP role & try not to dwell on what has been lost, it's too depressing.

Btw, the bomb analogy comes from Nora Ephron, who said having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade at your relationship.

Thank Christ, a safe place to wade in and say:

Before DC I was a calm and kind person, very laid back, very considerate. Now I am a shouty, stressed mum who can never get on top of things.

DH comes from a warmer, more family oriented family to mine - or so I thought - and was going to be a great parent, able to make up for my inadequacies. Or so I thought. Actually, I find myself irritated to beyond fuck by his priorities. He is a clean freak, who wants the DC to sit quietly while he watches TV and pays no attention to them, their lives and what matters to me.

The only way I can make sure things conform to the way I think really matters is to do everything myself, and I do - mealtimes, play dates, drop offs, pick ups, conversations about friends, days out. I feel angry and resentful all the time but at least I don't have to do as he wants and get in a tizzy about the amount of stuff stores in the garage, the cleanliness of the car or the urgent need to replace the garden wall - all of which can wait till kingdom come.

The result is I am alone with my worries, and there is no one yo appreciate what I do do, but a lot of moaning about the state of the house. It's so boring, lonely and angering.

I would never have believed it would be like this. There was no sign.

I am a shouty, frustrated mum, unsupported and negative. I honestly thought it would not be like this for me or any oft generation (ha!).

Meanwhile I find it impossible to be the person I was at work pre DC - work seems so pointless and I am bad at it and uncommitted. Then I get anxious about throwing my career away. Didn't see that coming either.

Love my DC. Think I am a better person as a result of them but think it is highly unlikely I would have chosen this path if I had known what it was really like. I want to shake my friends who are still hoping to meet DH and have kids to run for the hills.

Curry eater- Get in bed and barricade the door with heavy things even if the scream they cant get in then dp would have to sort it. Sleep with headphones on. Thats what I would do. I have those ear defenders men on building sites have and I couldnt care less what happens when its not my turn, its not my turn whether there was a fire or an earthquake I wouldnt get up.

In my place though if dc wonder in I shout at top of my lungs to dh saying your not doing your job and he runs in apologising a million times. You are being a bit of a doormat. I would also have said no Im not having a story get them out the room and he would do so immediately. Your dh probably thought you were alright with it by acting so meekly.

I know but I can't shout GET THESE CHILDREN AWAY FROM ME in front of them, can I? I work stupid hours, feel terrible about not seeing them enough, the little one in particular needs a lot more of me and is all over me when I am around. I need him to effectively take them away from me in a way that doesn't broadcast that I have asked him to do this, because otherwise it is sending them a horrible message.

Codeword, Curry to say to dp when you're at breaking point??

Not just the bomb thing.
I told my mum that since I had DD its like I have 1 hand tied behind and a wearing a blindfold. in other words even simple things like leaving the house is majorly difficult. Off to saisnburys later with her in tow as its half term.
Oh the JOY.

I have become a lot more upfront with DH. "you need to take these kids to the park now." "DD, you can play upfront now, daddy will come with you" etc...

However. It is still being everyone's PA, so it still takes up my energy and brain-space, iykwim?

Plus, I don't relax in the day. I'm a bad sleeper, so if I go up for a nap, I'd have to be up there 3hrs before I slept one, so DH thanks he's given me 3x as much of a break as he actually has.

I really really emphasise with the posher up thread who said it's not that you regret DC, or don't live them - they're great, it's just everything else that becomes shitty. Plus, no rest...

Poster, love

Op thank goodness you started this thread for everyone to vent. I seriously thought I was alone in it all.
I was a lp of 4 dc the boys practically grown up and a baby girl. I was ok. Good job nice social life (boys happy to babysit) a good holiday with kids each year and fun trips in between. I was content and happy.
Lie ins returned and I started to make plans to sell bug family home and downsize (life and house) maybe move abroad.
Then in a whirlwind I met dh and fell in love.
Life stayed the same just shared.
Then two years ago I had dd2. Red hair, reflux, cleft palate, high high needs.
We adore her. She is amazing. But she's broken us.
No sleep for years, too tired for a social life, weight gain, no time to look or feel nice. Full on days with no reprieve.
Weekends alone with two dds who's age gaps make it a but difficult.
I too am so resentful. I blow up at the slightest thing and feel constantly shattered. I get ill a lot, very anxious about stuff.
I work part time but have no real enthusiasm for my career as simply too tired.
Dh is fab but so laid back and does nothing quickly and forgets often.
He also looks exhausted.
I'm not sure we will make it.
I look at others at toddler groups and they look so happy.
I wonder if I'm the only one.
Thanks for showing I'm not.

Only last week i though, wow i don't watch the clock from 4.00 anymore!

They get easier in terms of the mental strain. I found two under two very hard, very draining. I loved them, enjoyed them and i'm sure loads of people think i found it easy, but it is hard.

Sleep deprevation is awful, as is lack of me time. Once they sleep ( break them however you need to) you will feel much better. Then allocate yourself a bit if time each week or month and do something for yourself. It's very important.

Amazing thread.

curry you write brilliantly about it.

Ledkr The reason I look happy at toddler group is because I'm not in the house snapping at the kids and crying.

choceyes I so agree that I don't need a break from the kids so much as another adult with me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate my DM for helping me out with this - don't know what I'd do without her. It's a two person (at least) job.

Totally agree about the rage and anger - where did it come from I was going to be such a chilled out parent

DH was much keener than me to have kids - I used to joke that I'd have the baby, hand it over to him, and get back on the wine HAHAHA. From the first moment when newborn DD cried and DH handed her back to me saying "I don't know what to do with her.." I have done the vast majority of parenting.

Curry - I just shout dhs name then he comes running and I say theres daddy go and play. Your dh will get the hint. You dont need to let the kids know