Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

badvoc it is hard when husband work away, people ask what you are going to do when kids go to school! As you say you literally do everything morning, noon and sometimes night! It is mentally exhausting and yet so boring at the same time......

What a frigging day. I really shouted at DS2 earlier for whinging throughout his lunch and chucking it all over. I feel like the worst mummy in the world. He's only 17 months old but I wanted to chuck him out the window. I didn't, you'll be relieved to know, but still for those minutes I hated him.

I feel like he spends most of his day moaning about something. Clinging to my leg wanting to be picked up, I pick him up and he just sits on my knee crying, wriggling to get down, put him down and distrct him with a toy which works for a minute, then it all starts again! Gaaah!

Chumble...yes. Not sure what they expect me to "do" if dh is in Japan or wherever...sigh. I dint have the mental capacity to do a weekly shop ATM let alone a job!
I think the months leading up to 2 are the hardest, I really do.
They can't tell you what they want and half the time dint know themselves!
Striped...are you ok?

Striped are you doing alright?? We're here if you do want to talk.

DS2 just went up to DS1 and gave him a huuuuge kiss and cuddled him. For a few minutes I was happy and remembered why we had 2 children. Brief but beautiful. I must remember this because it's all too easy to get bogged down by the shit sometimes isn't it!?

FWIW my mum told me the best advice she received when pregnant was that you're not normal if you don't feel like chucking the baby out the window from time to time. Guess the same goes for toddlers I have only admitted to one or two people in rl that I had no idea how hard it would be not to hit my own child. I am properly anti smacking but she really winds me up sometimes, hits me etc. and it's quite a natural reaction to want to hit back (but I don't!!)

Oddbodd My DS is exactly the same as your DS1 about going into school. No big wailing tantrums like DD1, just quietly not keen to go, sometimes more upset than others and often leans on my legs like a lurcher at going in time.

He's in reception and has been a lot better lately (I only realised that when I read your posts). I put it down to him just preferring to be at home with me and DD2. He doesn't struggle at school at all - makes friends, finds the work easy, doesn't (often) get into any trouble, but is just a homebody. He was always lovely company before he went to school and has an easygoing nature, so it's very hard to see him being quietly upset at having to do something he doesn't want to do.

Sorry I can only offer 'time' as a solution.

Re: covering the basics - I got the motto 'fed not dead' from MN and it's served me well.

Oh I'm just finding it hard - but like beyond hard. Should it be this hard? I constantly feel on the edge of madness.

DS is 2y2m and I have 9 week DD. His behaviour is shocking.

Does anyone else wonder if they're going to get through this sanity in tact? Is that normal? I mean I know people say it's a stressful time but God.

Striped....at the stage you are at yes, it's bloody hard.
I have over 5 years between my 2 as I would not have coped with a smaller age gap.
Your ds is probably reacting to the new baby (congrats btw!) and acting out to make sure that whatever he does, you still love him.
I wish I could give you some tips in how to cope, but as I am finding it very hard myself ATM I can't! :(
I am sat on tha sofa MN ing, dh is playing on the ps3 with the boys and I am planning to be in bed @ 7.30pm.
I have washing waiting to be folded, dishes waiting to be done....sigh.
And this month my period has decided to go weird on me.
Just what I needed.
I am a raging, faint, hormonal mess :(

Thank you so much for answering Badvoc. Bath, wine and bed for me. Hope you get all your bits done and then a lovely restful night's sleep.

Frankly, I am on awe that you are even together enough to MN with a 2 year old and 9 week old :)

That gives me hope I'm not insane. Thank you Badvoc.

curryeater. Just glancing through this thread, and noticed your posts about the research thread.
Couldnt agree with you more. That thread was doing my head in too.
Ridiculous.
I wonder how much she is getting paid to come up with mainly rubbish. That will be out of date by the time it is published.
Doh, lets ask 30 men all about everything in the universe. They are so bound to be able to be a big enough sample, and know everything, including the 30,000 men that aren't here.
And I agree she was saying yes yes to just about everyone.
She managed to say yes to me, then a few posts later I said, hang on, someone said this to disagree with me and you said yes to him as well, and she just carried on saying yes to me!

Striped my god at the stage your at I used to wonder how I'd ever get through it and that was with a 4 year age gap! I remember more than one occassion walking back from my Dad's house sobbing with DS2 screaming in the pushchair and DS1 looking very worried about his poor mentally unstable emotional wreck of a mother. He once stopped on the way home one day and said to me 'Why are you crying mummy? Is it because DS2 cries a lot? You know, he won't always be a baby mummy, one day he'll be able to ask you for what he wants and then he won't cry anymore, I promise.' I cried even harder at the fact that my poor, lovely 4 year old had more perspective on the situation than I did. I was so proud of him but it made me feel like I'd failed him even more because he was having to comfort me. Pathetic.

Anyway, my point is, I barely made it through with a much much bigger age gap than you. Your DS is probably acting worse because of the baby and he doesn't have the patience or empathy that a 4 year old does so you have it twice as hard. My main point is that it does get better in time, not that it's not still maddening for me most days but not the deep deep 'I may lose my mind' phase that you are in right now. Even with an 'easy' baby, with two children under 3 you are bound to feel a little loopy. Your hormones still won't have settled, you'll probably be sleep deprived and still in the newborn fog. Just keep putting one foot in front of another. You're doing great and you will get through it, really you will. x

I am just so thankful that there is a supportive thread here, that we can vent to. I had a particularly shitty parenting moment yesterday with my DD and when I posted about it in Parenting I got such a roasting that it made me question whether or not I would post again. It's not even as though I didn't know - and acknowledge fully - that I had screwed up. ?Sad:

KingRollo thanks for saying that, it was very kind

Anglo I read your thread and was going to suggest you drop by this one, but had to put DD to sleep.

It was pretty horrific stuff; are you OK?

Stripedmum

Yes the first year of having to was the most difficult of my life.

Having two does get better in increments. My two have just recently started playing together nicely. They still fight and argue and when they are both tired it's hell but on a good day they don't need me to entertain so much.

The youngest is 2 now.

The logistics are still hard but I think I'm seeing the payoff of having had a sibling for DD1.

Sorry, I didn't see your thread Anglo.
Are you ok?

Nuts...my sis is the same. She has a 17 month gap and found it very very tough for the first year -18 months.
But now, they are both at school and are great playmates for each other whereas mine (at 10 and 4) aren't really.

Thank you for asking - I am fine. Very embarrassed and ashamed about my behavior yesterday, but I had a good talk with my DD and we are fine. I don't think I have done any permanent damage, thankfully - although some of the responses to my post certainly think I do. I didn't expect all hugs and roses, but I must admit I was a little taken aback by the tone of some of them. But this is what you get when you venture into a public forum. This is why I am so thankful for threads like this. I feel like a crappy parent most of the time anyway, and it's nice to feel as though I am not alone.

Whatever happened I am sure you haven't done any permanent damage.
The kind of parent who does that does not then go on an intent parenting forum and ask for help! :)
Blimey...if I think back to all my parenting blunders....well, suffice it to say we would be here for a loooonnng time!

OddBodd
I really feel for you. Your DS2 sounds hard hard work.
My difficult baby came first. She was a bad sleeper, very clingy, always round my ankles, got hysterical if she couldn't see me, hated loud noises and strange places.

I can't remember what she was like at 17 months. I don't think she whinged all the time but you had to constantly entertain her. She could throw pretty big tantrums at 2.5. She's lovely now mostly though she remains challenging.

I am sorry you are going through the mill with DS2. Do you think he could be teething?, bored, frustrated etc or do you reckon he's just unduly sensitive.

"Raising your spirited child" is quite a good read for all those with challenging/sensitive children.

Anglo you didn't damage your DD and most of those comments were horrible and unjustified.

I think those reactions are a perfect example of what we discuss here; people don't want these views expressed in public.

I think they're so scared of confronting their own feelings that it scares them to hear someone talk so candidly about the challenges of parenting.

curryeater another one agreeing about the research, though have not read that thread yet. I posted elsewhere on this thread under another name, but have nc to mention my job. I am a researcher, not an academic one though, I work in the private sector. But a number of years ago, pre children, I was involved with evaluations of the Sure Starts. This involved research with dads as a specific group, and surprise surprise, when asked they all wanted to be more involved in parenting, yes they wanted events aimed at dads specifically. And centres included dads' groups of various kinds, tried to make them feel welcome in the centres etc.

However when attempting to do cost benefit analysis of said dads' events it invariably transpired that many arranged activities actually drew in just one or two dads. So I agree many men may say they want to be involved and treated as an equal to the mum by hcp, public services such as Sure Start etc., but it's not necessarily that meaningful. Or worthwhile diverting significant resources in that direction.

Also, as an aside, my husband liked to be involved in the decision making part of parenting. He wasn't interested in the gathering information side of things, thought MN consisted of a bunch of old harpies. Sometimes I would put the legwork in and decide that, for example, X childminder was the one to go with. Then, without having done any research himself, he would come up with some reason why he objected to my choice, and want me to go back to the drawing board with my research

Oddbodd. You've made me cry with relief. I LOVE this thread.

Thank you Nuts too. I really, really needed that boost you have both given me. I'm so thankful.

I just think if I could have like a week just to myself I could sort my head out. Nine weeks after the birth of DS I was so bad I had crisis team involvement but this time the support from DH, family, friends and MN is getting me by.

Can we please start a virtual Jamaican island thread?

Aww striped glad to be of help, even if it is just to let you know you aren't the only one to feel this way! You really are doing better than you think. One day you'll look back on all this and wonder how the hell you did such a good job but it's hard to see that right now. You will survive. We all will!!!

Thank you Nuts I actually invested in that book with DS1 as he too was a difficult miserable baby (lucky me eh???!) but I think I need to dig it out and give it another read. I remeember finding it a lot of help. DS1 was horrible at the stage DS2 is at too. I don't think he whinged quite as much but he was more temperamental and hated loud noises, people in the family he wasn't familiar withfussing over him, anything out of the ordinary, he had a very low tolerance level of frustration and lost his temper very easily. It was like walking on eggshells because he would tip over the edge into crying all the time. DS2 is less 'sensitive' but just as unhappy to be a baby . He's less likely to have a full on meltdown but just whimpers and moans all the bloody time. Not to say he doesn't smile and laugh, he does, but only when it suits him!

DS1 really turned a corner when his language improved. I'd say between 2-3yrs is when I really felt I could cope with him and actually started to get some enjoyment out of this parenting malarky. Before then I think I felt much as I do now. The only difference is I didn't have to 'fake' keeping it together for the sake of DS1. Now I have to put on happy smiley mum act when DS1 is around and I feel streched beyone my limits. :(