Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

I love you all. Can't post a lot on phone but want ti say that.
Bad day for me. Thought about staying for coffee after church as someone I don't see a lot was there but was on my own and felt too guilty to hang about having coffee while do was with kids, more to the point was suffering tears incontinence. Afraid to stay out as not sure if I would cry, or cry too much. Don't mean to be flippant, apologies to those with urinary or faecal incontinence but sometimes I fell like it is maybe similar. Driven indoors by embarrassment.
More to say to all of you when I have a keyboard. courages mes braves. X

Hello i posted up thread and haven't stopped thinking about this thread since I read it Sat am.

What is lovely is the supportive dialogue that has evolved between posters on the last few pages beyond comments in relation to the OP.

I have decided that there are many bits of the parenting day/routine that I just don't blooming well like, in fact irritate and bore the life out of me, but I have decided to stop beating myself up about it and accept this is the case. This does not stop me feeing guilty or selfish.

I am a SAHP to my second DD (16mnths). I previously had a career and worked full time and part-time around DS (7) so been all sides of the fence so to speak and think it is mostly a case of grass is greener, each with drawbacks for either family/child/individual parent.

So as a full time SAHP with DH who does long hours during the week.

I accept I got through the motions of doing a playgroup almost everyday - sometimes I enjoy a chat sometimes I barely mutter a word to anyone until DH comes home. It took me a while to accept Im not 'employed' but I still work my butt off IYSWIM. I see current role as enabling DH to do his job and thus do not feel guilty anymore about spending my pocket money on me!

I try to see the trade offs more -

I am pressure/stress free from the type a job can bring and thus I get nowhere near the amount of coughs and colds.

I can do nice things (on the days it comes together) like going for a coffee - I no longer feel guilt about spending money on lunch out a couple of times a week when it may be the only time away from house - BONUS if DD asleep!

Im studying for a degree with OU - this is MINE it keeps me sane, I can chat to others online and attend tutorials - I'm very excited at prospect of study weekend! So I still feel like I'm investing in MY future.

I think I cope better with homework/school bags better than what I or we would if i worked.

I don't mind saying, when I am busy/tired I cut the following corners -

I use the much loved Disney channel - favourites off planner
I know if I take DD swimming she will sleep and I can have an hour's peace (self motivated)
I resorted to the driving around in the car with DD until she sleeps in daytime (I used to be very judges about this)
I put things off if I am tired e.g. painting with DS but always do do it
I sometimes feed the kids out even at MC D's or use ready meals. I cook a lot other times so whats the big deal.
I plan holidays to do stuff with DS but also stuff he can goto without me. - Last year I did 6 weeks with two kids on my own, I've scraped money together for weeks holiday in August using telco vouchers to break this up.

I enjoy spending time with DS but I cannot stand the constant commentaries he provides with whatever it is he is doing, it is relentless. Im so fed up of the mess and constant cloth in hand.

Ive recently had a household amnesty - the place needs a good clean and tidy, but you know what we all still alive! Though I am going to crack on today as liberating as it is it has got the point of not being able to find stuff. But I shall be taking laundry to Johnsons in their nice little bags as a treat to myself.

I find I 'suck' a lot of stuff up in my 'traditional role' compared to before but overall this works for us at this stage, even if not for me on some days/hours!

Sorry for epic post but I wanted to get that off my chest, especially bit about grabbing the nice bits for myself and cutting corners.

Hi everyone, can I join this one please? Have been really reassured to find this.

For me, I guess the thing that gets me is the lack of an outlet. Pre-DC, if I had a frustrating day I knew I could get all the frustration out of me by going for a long run, and to keep it up as long as I needed to diffuse all the stress feelings. If someone cut in front of my car and I had to slam on the brakes, I could curse until the air turned blue and it didn't matter. If someone or something annoyed me, I could, at some point in the day, swear or pound the pavements (running I mean) and know I'd stopped things from building up.

I'm still at the stage where I always have to be in control of my emotions - having to have the 'calm voice' where I want to scream; having to say "What a silly man to drive so fast! He could have caused a nasty accident!". When I've had a frustrating day at work I have no opportunity to have a break, a scream, or a long run - I'm back to being Stepford mummy and coming up with fun things for DD to do (smiley smiley) - or playing shops over and over and over and over again with DD (smiley smiley). And the frustration is still there like a little knot in my stomach with nowhere to go.

Then DD might do something really innocuous if slightly annoying which adds to it - say, pilfering my lipstick out of my bag and drawing with it - to which I need to give a calm, rational, proportional, disappointed-face response. Then DD wants the same bedtime story eight times, or uses every stalling technique in the book to avoid going to bed or having a bath, or won't brush her teeth, or does something that every three-year-old does because they push boundaries at this age. And again I need to be calm, rational and proportionate because I'm the adult. I might tell her that it makes me very happy if she goes to bed without a fuss (positive reinforcement) rather than telling her I might well scream the house down if I have to read the rude dinosaur story again (which I want to do by this stage). And the knot gets a little bit bigger.

It's very easy to see how it could all tip into a red rage, or depression, or just not caring any more. I've told DH that he has to do bathtime three days a week, while I run like the clappers - if I get the chance to do that then the knot can be kept at bay for a bit. I also think I ought to take a leaf out of DH's book and just refuse to do things I don't like (such as childrens' birthday parties - it's always my responsibility to take DD because he hates them).

vlad welcome, must say Im very impressed with your ability to maintain 'stepford mummy' I often don't with my 7 yr old.

On the whole I think i do ok being a mum but I really let myself down when i shout at him, I just find in uncontainable - but I should be able to shouldn't I, I can let him know whatever it is without resorting to a screaming banshee. This is what i most feel guilty for.

I need to get this under control. Recently I have said sorry mummy should not have shouted but what I said stands. I take a deep breath then say right lets move on - even if I can feel myself still 'pumped'.

The last time I lost it a really shouted was last week, he didn't put his coat on, gaffed and faffed while I strapped little one in etc and we just missed the school door by seconds - I made him tell reception why HE was late.

and breathe breathe ...god must get some work done in here to day, least I've done an online shop and paid for holiday.

Hi everyone,m nice to see this thread is still going strong!

Vlad I can relate to the knot in your stomach. That's something that I feel every day. I miss being able to just get out the house for me on my own, be it going swimming or just for a run. Now everything has to be so planned and there's at least one little person who wants to come with me. DH works long hours so just getting out for a run or even a walk would be lovely but little things like this seem so unachievable. Things that before we had the DCs I never even realised I'd have to give up.

I am beginning to really hate bedtimes. Both the boys sleep really well (thnk God), this wasn't always the case so I am not taking it for granted at all! But just the routine of it bores me so much. DS1 always decides he needs a poo as I am bathing DS2 every evening, then he spends ages buggering about and faffing whilst I'm asking him to get undressed and get in the bath. He is a master of delay tactics but he's not even doing anything interesting for him to want to stay up for. He just takes forever to do everything.Takes an age to put his PJs on. He is loud and silly even though we have repeatedly told him not to be so excitable as DS2 is still trying to get to sleep etc etc. We go upstairs and I sit on DS1's bed and read him the same damn books every night. Even when he wants a different book from school, I find it so boring. I find myself just rushing through the book and breathing a huge sigh of relief as I close his bedroom door and go down stairs for a few hours alone or with DH.

I lso feel very guilty for being a shouty mum Feelingood . I feel like I spend most of my days biting my tongue so I don't shout but every so often like yesterday I snap. DS1 was messing around hanging off the pushchair (DS2 was not in it thankfully, DH was carrying him) anyway I'd asked him to stop but still he carried on and it tipped up and spilled DH's much loved coffee that was in the cupholder. I lost it because he could have burned himself. I told him so often just to stop but he just DOES NOT listen!

Guilty here too of being shouty mum at times! I have been trying soo hard at this over the past few days as it got to a point about a week ago where I was just at the end of my tether - dh had worked two weekends in a row, I'd been up multiple times throughout the night with dd2 having a cold for nearly a week, and I couldn't seem to find 2 minutes to myself to have some peace. I kept snapping at ds1 and shouted at him when he didn't deserve it - he was being boisterous / dawdling but not being naughty. Had to say sorry and explain that mummy was very tired but shouldn't have shouted etc etc. Felt truly rubbish as I adore ds1 and vowed to be a better mummy. Only I remained knackered and lacking in patience so how to achieve that?? I bought the 'Calmer Easier Happier Parenting' book and am finding it helpful so far although it doesn't explain how to find two minutes to read it! (maybe it does but I haven't had time to read that bit). Anyway, I'm still whacked but haven't shouted for a few days . This morning when dd2 napped I played Elefun with ds1 and we did some phonics reading - which I never normally find the time to do, I am charging round like a loon trying to do housework. I feel better having had some nice quality time with him and I'm hoping he thinks I am a slightly better mummy for being calmer and nicer. Now I just having to maintain the not shouting and losing my rag.... Yikes.

I can't keep up with this thread either - so good to read how other people are, and how other people stay sane (most of the time!). I feel guilty for being a shouty mum too. When I was young we had a home video of my two siblings and I sitting at the table and my mum was snapping at everyone when we were just basically laughing and giggling... it was awful to watch back as an adult - seeing my Mum so stressed out and seeing us all being told off at every turn... but now I think I'm becoming her! I used to try to explain everything, and had so much more patience, but now maybe it is tiredness, maybe it is just too much stress, but my first response is to snap. I hate it. Dh pulls me up on it all the time - he thinks nobody else shouts at their children, and that I am 'over the top' which I find hard to take. I think he'd be a lot more impatient if he was with them all the time, because it does something to you, the constant noise in your head, the complete lack of any time for yourself. Today I went to a chiropractor appointment, a fifteen minute appointment. DD1 was at school, ds was at pre-school, and my Mum walked around the block with ddd 2 and 3 for fifteen minutes. While I was lying there the chiropractor made some comment about how busy I must be, and I said how much I was enjoying the peace and quiet. He laughed. He genuinely found it amazing that I could 'enjoy' lying being prodded about because it was a break from the children. I don't think he realises that the last time I was without all of them was probably when I went to the dentist in February!! So, I may be a shouty mum, and would like to change, but just not sure I have the energy at the moment!!

Hi Happynappies, there is a Louis CK routine where he celebrates the "little holidays you have from your children, like walking round the car to the driver's seat" and he mimes a slow relaxed drawn out stroll as the parent rejoices that the children are strapped into the closed car and he can't hear them till he opens the car again. I have totally done this.

dd2 is tormenting me at night. I keep picking her up and taking her back to bed with me but it is not working. She was messing about between about 3.30 and 6.30 this morning. I am going to have to bite the bullet and do some proper sleep training, there is nothing wrong with her (for once) so I just have to do this, but I am so exhausted I can't see how to begin.

I am feeling very strange, spaced out and wobbly every day. I don't know if it is just fatigue, or something to do with this endless cold / sinusitis, or something else.

I have to admit to a meltdown in the car - on the way to a child's party miles away which DH had refused to attend, DD in party dress decides that she wants to bring half the house with her, directions to party are vague and I've been up half the night making quiches because I stupidly offered to 'help'.

I knew I was running late, couldn't find the map I'd printed out, had just about got DD to leave the house ('but I need to finish this first mummy! Can I have a drink before we go?'), sandwiched all the sodding quiches, and the birthday present, and the card, and DD's bloody suitcase into the car, secreted nine boxes of raisins in my handbag in case we got stuck in traffic, and couldn't find the map. We're late anyway so I bundle both of us in the car, text friend to let her know we'll be late, and I realise next door neighbour has parked just enough across my drive to make it really hard to get out.

I inch out and have to reverse back into the drive while (male) driver of oncoming car gawps at me like some slack-jawed tortoise and waves his fist - I hadn't seen him as I manoevred out because of neighbour's car. And then I screamed, waving my hands above my head with a "OH FOR PITY'S SAKE I'M SORRY!!!". Wee voice in the back of the car then says "Why on earth are you shouting, Mummy?" and rather than tell her "Because God alone knows why I'm driving for an hour to a three-year-olds birthday party and your pigheaded father has no intention of supporting me while he buggers off on his bloody mountain bike, I can't find the map because I have upteen things I have to remember including a jigsaw puzzle, your book bag, eight soft toys and the blanket which frankly I will thank God on my knees when you grow out of because you keep losing the damn thing, I have no bloody idea where Effingham Forest Glade Primary School Hall is, I don't know anyone there and AAAAARGH!!" - I managed a "Yes, I shouldn't have shouted so loudly. That man did surprise me and it's very, very hard to see around that great big enormous people-mover that the people next door have bought for themselves. And it was a little bit rude of him to stare, didn't you think?"

Haha vlad wow I am impressed at your monumental self control! I recently had a mini meltdown that went something like this:

Me: "oh... CRAP!" (stubbed toe / forgot something / trivial irritation that I can't even recall now but was the straw that broke the camel's back)

Ds1 (looking surprised and a bit alarmed): "Mummy? you just shouted 'crabs', didn't you?"

Me: "uh... yes. YES, I did!" (thinking "phew")

Ds1: "why, Mummy?"

Me: "because I stubbed my toe, darling. And when I bump myself I say the name of a sea creature."

Ds1: "oh! Like... lobsters?"

Me: "umm. That's right."

Ds1 (wandering off into house shouting): "lobsters! Lobsters! LOBSTERS!!"

Having children has at least taught me to think on my feet, even if I do only manage to think of nonsense.

So much of this thread hits home. The primary issues for me are boredom and anger. I have a 5 yr old DD and a 2 yr old DS. My DD is just a bundle of barely-contained energy and I find her a real challenge. I think I?ve always been somewhat short-tempered but I have been horrified, really, the last few months, at just how angry I can get with them, and how quickly. Although honestly, when I say ?them? it?s really ?her?.

I had no idea how hard parenting would be, and to be honest, it?s not really that I am that tired. Sure, I would like more sleep, but my children have both slept 12 hours through the night since they were 6 weeks old. I read the other posters? comments about sleep deprivation and I salute you all, I really do. I think I?d have sold my kids on ebay by now if I had sleep deprivation on top of it.

The biggest challenge for me is that I hate the constant pressure to be the entertainment. All.The.Time. Buying them a playroom full of toys and books, and spending time with them, just isn?t enough apparently. If I?m not on all fours being a horse, or playing tea parties, I get constantly ?play with me, play with me? until I feel as though my head will explode. Was your childhood like that? Mine wasn?t. My mum?s usual refrain was ?going out and play? or, if the weather was bad, ?go and play?. And it wasn?t done in a malicious or cruel way, but there was no expectation from either of us, that she would be entertaining me all the time. And yet I feel this pressure constantly. Honestly, I am a professional adult and I am bored off my rocker with tea parties and play horsey. I?m sitting next to you reading a book and attending to (almost) every need, isn?t that enough?

Even at the playground ? I take them every day (one in the ?good mum? column) but I just want to sit on a bench and relax (evidently one in the ?bad mum? column.) I?m surrounded by women who look positively orgasmic at the thought of another 10 minutes pushing a swing. Is there a secret to this that no-one?s ever told me? Or are they all swigging gin from their co-ordinated water bottles?

Please can I join in? I am so glad I found this thread - and it has become a life line to me over the last week. It so sums up how I feel and how I have felt for pretty much the last nine years (i am a sahm and have two ds age 9 and 5).

It is such a relief to know it is ok to admit to feeling as I do and that I am not alone. I am bored, lonely, bored, empty, bored and tired - I love my boys with all my heart and feel so guilty for feeling so bored and empty.

I even showed dh parts of this thread as it was easier than trying to say it all to him. My boys are growing older and I feel I am losing them - then what will be left ? Dh is very supportive and says he wants me to feel happier but it has been like this for so long I don't know where to start or who I am apart from a mum. I no longer know where they end and I begin.

Such a supportive thread to read. Thanks OP. x

Anglo, I totally identify with you on the childrens entertainer thing! I've been saying the same for yonks! My parents didn't constantly play with me yet I can't pick up a book or a newspaper without being made to feel intensely guilty that I'm not role-playing barbies and ken (which I even hated as a child) or baking gingerbread men. Am assailed with 'I'm BORED' every two seconds. Anyone got a cure for this it would be most appreciated?!

Also gratified to hear so many people are just as frustrated with their DP's as was getting sick of hearing how wonderful and 'hands on' everyone partners are. Seems likevits a general bloke thing as opposed to my partner being particularly crap at giving the house, childcare any thought at all. He can walk past a large basket of laundry 5 or 6 times without volunteering to carry it upstairs for me or- god forbid- even put it away! I work full time, 5 1/2 day week and still plan all meals, packed lunches, swimming/ballet kits, laundry, gardening, school & nursery drop offs and pick-ups. But any reminders given are classed as nagging

Anglo, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

The only difference between you and me is that I didn't actually take my kids to the playground every day. You are a very good mum!

Yes, having DC drives me bonkers. No, in fact only DS1 drives me bonkers. He is only 5 but manages to annoy me big time, almost all the time. He potentially has ADHD and Asperger's traits, we yet to find out. In any case, since having him I have discovered that I also have some ADHD/Asperger's traits and while it was not expressed in a peaceful enviroment pre-kids with me and DH, since having DS1 I struggle to cope with him. I lose patience and shout all the time. Working full-time is hard, but having DS1 is 1000 harder. It has been the hardest lesson of all times.

DS2 is NT and he is a real pleasure to be around.

Spiderwithoneeye I am with you about DP too! Everything's on me.

Thank you for this thread OP, whilst there are many many amazing moments, as a hard-working professional, bringing up children is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. Hats off to staying at home all day with them too- weekends and holidays are the hardest time for me!

Hello

How is everyone? Angloamerican I thought of you this morning when I was pushing DD2 on the swing, and your line about positively orgasmic women pushing swings. I normally avoid parks but thought I'd limit it to 20 minutes and tire her out before the supermarket. She loved, I felt like Supermum for about a minute, then she had a huge paddy about putting her cardigan back on. I marched her to the car, grim-faced (I find I can't get into it with her these days, I just decide she'll tantrum whatever I do so do what I have to to get us out of the situation). She/the noise was getting to me so badly I abandoned the supermarket idea, came home and put her to bed. Where she screamed some more. Then we both fell asleep. I feel absolutely drained and just so shit about myself. Wearing some jeans that fit me fine last week but are very tight today and pissing me off. I can't seem to stick to any kind of healthy eating and just comfort eat my way through all these horrible emotions. Rang for GP appt to take some action about the bingeing and can't get one for 2 weeks - 2 fucking weeks!

Wow, didn't know that was going to come out like that. Came on to post this quote from another thread about someone struggling with a 9mo not sleeping and their anger towards the baby. Someone posted: "I once shouted 'shut the fuck up' at DD when she was a baby. She is now 11 and has never mentioned it." I laughed for a full minute at that - it really sums up the the anger and the guilt and the anxiety we put ourselves through.

issynoho like you I tried to be supermum this afternoon. After school DS1 was asking to go to the park accross from the school... I reluctantly agreed and decided what was the worst that could happen?? Well within ten minutes DS1 was moaning for an ice cream (it's not even hot here, just not raining for a change) , then he was moaning because there were no swings available. DS2 was crying to get out the pushchair but he's not yet walking and I didn't fancy chasing after a crawling baby with kids on scooters and bikes weaving about. I left watching all these other mums and squealing happy children wondering what the fuck I was doing wrong. It doesn't matter whether I plan something nice for them or not, they still manage to find a way of making it miserabe so I have returned home feeling utterly defeated. I adore them, I honestly do, but how 2 such small boys can create so much stress and upset is beyond me.

Oh and I sympathise with the binging and the tight jeans! My weight has ballooned since having DS2. So much so that I am now heavier than when I was 9 months pregnant with him. I keep thinking I'll start healthy eating tomorrow but within an hour of waking I've messed up. I am doing something about it though, today has been my first official day of following 'weight watchers' and despite the earlier dramas, I have stuck to the plan quite easily.

This thread is a lifesaver, literally. I have been reading it and nodding my head, agreeing with everything that's been said. I thought it was just me but turns out there are all these bright, educated women out there living lonely, boring and frustrating lives.

I have 2 dcs. And yes of course I love them and would do anything for them. But my god I hate looking after them all the bloody time. I hate the constant drudge work. I hate never having a minute to myself and being on duty 7 days a week, 24 hrs a day. I worked out yesterday that I have spent one night away from my children since having the first one 9 years ago. I hate how I feel like I dont exist anymore, am merely a tool to service the constant, never ending demands of my children.

I have a very challenging 2 year old. She does not sleep. Ever. She demands constant attention all day. She whines and moans incessantly. She eats none of the food I prepare. She is constantly ill. She is unable to amuse herself for even a couple of minutes. I seem to spend all day putting her on the toilet, preparing her drinks and snacks, listening to her moaning and desperately trying to entertain her.

I never get a moment to myself. DH works long hours (lucky him!) I am responsible for the morning drudge of getting them breakfasted, dressed and showered and dealing with the constant fighting (who would have thought a 9 and 2 year old woulf fight ALL the time) and well basically everything including putting them to bed. They are both awake til gone 9pm still demanding things so I feel like I never get a break.

I fantasise about getting in the car and driving away. I have a plan in my head - as soon as DH gets home I will leave, drive to my best (childless) friends house, stay with her until I get a job and place to live sorted.

Even as I type this I have a clingy 2 year old demanding my attention!

Sorry dont have much of anything positive to add but really wanted to add my comments to the mix and to agree with all the posters who say they feel they have been mis-sold parenthood. No-one tells you how bloody hard and relentless it is.

Hello everyone
me too with the lardiness. really depressed about how fat I am today.
I was alright a few weeks ago. took my eye off the ball for five minutes and now - this.

About the constant whining and demands. Well I may be the world's biggest git of a mother and this may be terrible but I just think fuck'em, sometimes. I have said "no" and then when I get "WWWWWWWWWWHYYYYY?" I say "because I am sitting down having a cup of coffee."
A few days ago dd1 came into the kitchen where I was up to my elbows in washing up and said "Mum-my, can you... erm when you have finished what you are doing, please could you -" I almost punched the air in triumph. It is the tiniest little thing, but having her acknowledge that my hands are full, instead of constantly loading me up with a Heathrow-esque holding pattern of demands, felt like the most blissful maturity.

The fighting is horrific.

I have agreed with dp that we have to deal with dd2's sleep. It's breaking me.

I used to go to the park armed with a flask and a book how misguided us that?
Dd2 is an accident waiting to happen and dd1 despite being 11 has to have my attention constantly.
"Watch me mummy"
Yes ok ill watch you go down that same slide I've been watching you go down for ten years!
Have just got home from work to an empty house and remembered how lovely it is!