Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Very interesting thread this is. And bizarre that this is not in the mainstream public awareness. Perhaps us men don't get how you feel because you don't tell us. We are not psychic, don't take heavy hints and need to be told how things are for you. Like it or not, women are physically programmed to nurture children to the state of independence. Men are wired to hunt and protect. Civilised society allows us to manipulate this to a major degree. There seems to be flaws in how the stresses and mindbending hollows experienced by mums are conveyed to dads and vice versa. My wife is the tops with our child and I do lots of cooking/ w/up blah blah. However we row because I'm not doing my bit. Really? I do mine and more. True my wife does majority child care, play group stuff etc. What is always forgotten is that I ......
Work full time trying to earn the money
Do A LOT of cooking, shopping, washing up, daily stuff
I also.... Fix the car - from replacing clutch to a bulb
Unblock drains, fix broken stuff, get rid of scary critters, stay up late so you can have an early, get up early after doing the late.
I may not be in tune with you, but I'm on your side and with the same team.
So talk to me!

Other than to point out that the "hardwired" stuff is not true, no I will not be talking to you, dicotomy. This thread is not a place where I am on presenting, selling, show and tell mode. This thread is not a place where you can come and order me to do more work, which I have plenty of in real life, to please you. There are lots of people here I can speak to who already understand me and that is very relaxing. You can listen if you want to learn. Or better still ask your wife and listen to her. This is the last time I will address you on this thread and if you try to derail it and make it all about you I will report you

Hi kingrollo sorry you had a shit day. I know what you mean about someone else being able to pull you out if a funk. I had a great friend for that in 2 mat leaves. Maybe you can get on emergency texting terms with a friend? Or there's us! But not the same as coffee face to face.

Hi bigdom's wife
Bennie, are you ok? Do you need to be checked out?
Issy, I can so imagine doing that. It takes a very. Small amount of sympathetic attention to make me well up. Don't worry. I hope Dr is ok.
Have a good day all x

Dicotomy - It doesnt matter if you work full time and do chores if you dont do much childcare you still arent being a good dad.

Kingrollo, she sounds fab

Hi ladies. You dropped off my threads I'm on.
Must be a good sign.
I've been feeling a bit better as dd is sleeping better and I e been working more
I had my cleaner last week and it was amazing.
I felt I could enjoy my weekend more and could cope better without having to fit cleaning in too.
Git a bust few weeks ahead with end of term stuff to do so will probably have a bloody meltdown especially as dh working so much.
Hope you are all hanging in there.

Hi ledkr good to see you. Glad things are going ok!

For now curry for now.
Second weekend on my own though and weather not great so will be on my knees later.

I think reading the first three pages alone of this thread has led me to a seminal moment in my parenting and has moved me to tears.

This thread is very important...thanks OP

I think I'm the same as everyone else after all - much relief.

I'm off to read the rest of this supportive, honest, refreshing and inspiring thread.

Thanks for your sympathy about DD and my wobbly moment. Sharing and bearing the emotions of 3 little people is hard and wearing for me.

I get a little thrill of satisfaction when someone finds solace from this Very Important Thread. I have been linking to it all over the place.

Well done Curry for baring your teeth and growling at the interloper.

Hi everyone, been so busy here I haven't really had time to catch up with the thread fully. Sorry to everyone having crap days. Mummy2benji I hope you're recovered and OK now.

DS2 has decided to spend the past 2 days moping around looking close to tears or screaming for God knows what. Tried nurofen, cuddles, popping him in the pushchair just to get out for my own sanity but nothing seems to have lifted his mood. I am assuming it's teething or something but the problem is he spends so much of his life frustrsted or whinging about something that it's so hard to know when there's actually a problem .

DS1 on the other hand has been amazing this week and seems to know that I have been struggling. This of course makes me feel guilty that a 5 year old can pick up on it but he is just being so helpful and lovely which I really appreciate. DH remains oblivious despite the fact that I've told him on more than one occassion that I am struggling.

All I keep thinking about is the summer holidays looming. I used to love summer and couldn't wait for the time DS1 had off school. Now the thought of having them both to entertain and no car while DH is at work for 6 whole weeks is terrifying. I fear I may go insane! I have nowhere really to go and no family that are any help. I have a feeling there will be some very long frought days ahead of us.

Durning the holidays DS2 will just spend his days moaning and crying, trying to play with everything DS1 has and screaming when he can't :( I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep DS2 occupied as he gets older and wants to explore everything but has the attention span and patience of a gnat. I keep hoping it'll get better and easier once DS2 is of an age where he can 'play' rather than just snatch and chew on everything but somedays that seems a lifetime away!

I sympathise with all of your comments about DH's not taking the initiative to actually get things done. Our evening routine has pretty much been the same really since DS1 was born... Yet still every night I'm left cooking tea whilst trying to stop DS2 whinging and touching anything hot, dishing everything up, feeding the baby, clearing up after tea, flapping about trying to run the boys' bath, getting milk warmed up and PJs laid out while DH just kind of flounders about on the outskirts. He's actually a great dad but sometimes it's a bit like having a third overgrown child to try and navigate through the chaos and I can't help but think 'JUST DO SOMETHING!!!'. He knows what needs to be done but he never ever offers to grab the boys PJs or bath the baby, warm up milk etc. I feel like I need to tell him EVERY night what is going to happen next, like guiding a toddler but he's frigging 30 years old. He's lovely really... I just feel sometimes that he does get under my feet a bit and I feel like an old nag when I tell him what needs to be done (especially when if he really tholught about it, he already knows!).

Little things like today, we've been out and done some quick shopping at the local market, then took both the boys to the garden centre to see the animals and fish, all lovely but then come home. DH slinks off upstairs to poke about with some new modem or something for computer while I'm left down stairs with 2 hungry children, one of which is filling his nappy and whinging for a nap. I have to change the nappy, make lunch for them both, assist DS2 with eating his, put DS2 down for a nap, make DH's lunch too or else he'll insist he's too busy to eat... all the time I'm thinking, it's weekend, the time when we're supposed to work together and have family time but basically it's just like when he's at work only I have to make HIS lunch too. I never get to go off and have 45 minutes upstairs alone!!! I know I'm moaning over mundane things that I'd do ordinarily but sometimes I just wish DH would think and pick his times more carefully and actually THINK about what is going on in the house at that time and what needs to be done. I think I'm just sick of having to run the boring everyday things that I think he could help with.

Anyway this turned into an essay...sorry. Just wanting to let you know I feel your pain!

oddbod sounds like my life.
Took dds to a food fair but couldn't get round with the buggy as too crowded and selfish people getting impatient so ended up stood in rain whilst dd1 went round with her mate.
Dd2 is 2 and her nappy leaked so had to change her completely she refused to nap so ended up hysterical as I walked stoically back to the car then fell asleep to be woken at home with yet more screaming for ages.
I saw some child free friends there just drinking at the bar with their perfect figures and gorgeous friends while I felt like a fat frump in my PAC a mac and screaming toddler accessory.
I am now drinking wine and having a sneaky fag before the bedtime rush and the day starts again tomorrow before 7 but worse as dd1 goes to her dads so no help.
Dh is working. Weather looks vile too so no chance of doing much.
Looking for positives but not much luck

Well I could write so much about this thread but thought I'd share a snippet or two:

AM

Me look the clothes horse fell over and it is raining (on patio)

DH chill its just a bunch of clothes they'll dry again...

Middayish

Me

DH Shall I make lunch now? What shall I make?

Me Ok this, this n this...I'm off for a soak in bath (which I did for an hour)

PM

Me right DS1 get in shower I'm off to shop now....

DH well hurry as we need to leave for cinema

Half hour later....

Me Is he still in shower?

DH err DS1 get out now......get ready, get dried, do you do anything you are asked, get dried now, get dried. Is that all you've got on (and so it went on and on)

Me

DH Do you know where my socks and underpants are?

Me Yes they are on the clothes horse out there....

Well I barely kept a straight face as this was all said as he came down the stairs and his dingdong was bobbing about!

To say I was a bit smug was an understatement - glad he experienced the incompetent drying and dressing that DS seems to be suffering from at the moment.

Well I hope it makes someone smile.

Feelinggood ha ha that would of made me smirk too!
I am very impressed (& a little jealous) of your 1 hour midday bath, sounds lovely! x

Hahaha love it Feelingood .

Ledkr I hope your day has improved. DS2 has actually been not too bad this afternoon. (Well not too bad for him anyway, still horrific compared to most I'm sure). I always find my mental health seems to improve and my outlook on life seems a whole lot brighter when DS2 isn't shrieking and screaming every 2 minutes! I find I lose my mind trying to pacify him and keep DS1 happy.

DH in true DH style has sat on his lap top all afternoon fiddling about with the damn modem upstairs trying to set up somekind of wireless network or something????? No idea. Don't care. Just I'm sure the boys would have liked a little interaction from him. I'm bloody knackered.

Does anyone else find that each day they are just killing time? This is how my life feels every day now . I just feel like every day I am struggling to get through another day just trying to get through until things magically improve. Then there are moments when DS2 is lovely and DS1 and him are playing together and I adore them both so much I could cry. BUT still I can not relax or let my guard down because I know tears and more demands are only ever a few moments away. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I guess I am just waiting for happier times. Waiting for me to live again.

Sorry, posted at the beginning but am useless at keeping up with this kind of thread OddBodd I sooo know what you mean about coming home from family day out - DH sits down for a lovely long go on his playstation clearly feeling that his work is done But no DH, the children need, variously, nappy change, taking up to loo, coats and shoes off, their tea needs cooking, baths need running - I need to sit down and bf the baby which he clearly sees as me relaxing on the sofa !!!

Oddbod so relate to the killing time. My ds is up at 6am (at the latest) every day and every day is a Groundhog Day of trying to amuse him, pacify, cajole to eat something decent, say no to more ice-lollies until I can get him into bed.
I sometimes feel brain dead and as though I'm just going through the motions. He wants me to see and give him feedback on his every move. i.e. "Mum, mum, mum look at me jump" Me. "Oh, yes darling that's a lovely jump" in my head I am so numb, I just feel please leave me alone for 2 minutes.
If I try to fob off with a mmmm he'll say mum, mum talk to me!
This is the 4th weekend in a row my dh is working all weekend and I know he's not at the pub (as he keeps saying) I don't think he appreciates how exhausting our 3 year old is.
I work 3 days a week & that 2 is stressful (started 8 weeks ago as Health Visitor) and feel I bounce from one exhausting situation to another.
I've got to get ds ready every morning as dh leaves at 7am and I have to pick him up at end of day as dh doesn't have car as I need it for work.
I feel that I have to constantly fit everything around ds while dh just carries on.
Also I had to drop to part-time as was too much childcare for full-time but dh couldn't negotiate any change to his job. It just feels unfair at times.
I know dh is a good dad, he either makes tea or washes up. Gives ds a bath or reads story or tidies up. Plays with him constantly.
I know he would rather be at home and is working to provide for us....but still its hard always being left dealing with ds.
Sorry epic ramble but this been going round my head!
Today going to visit in-laws & my parents for Fathers Day so should make today an easier day (hopefully!)
Wishing all you fab mums a good day today x

ohclutter my dh works weekends too.
I started a thread about it.
As if having kids isn't stressfull enough then the weekend comes around and it's worse.
I've been up early and been alone with them all weekend then start my working week tomorrow having had no break.
Then wonder why I'm always tired.
Only good thing is dh does a lot if full days with then while I work so dies get it. In fact yesterday he told me off for being so positive about dd2 as I'm normally complaining can't win really.

Ohclutter Your DS sounds so similar to how my DS1 was at 3. Must just be a typical 3 year old thing but I so remember the needing to acknowledge his every move and the 'Mummy look at me' 'Mummy watch this' every second of the day. Also annoyingly around that age he seemed to have this need for me to repeat EVERYTHING HE SAID back to him before he would accept that I was acknowledging him. Eg. DS: 'Mummy I am going to draw a dog' ME: 'OK' DS: 'Mummy, I'm going to draw a dog' ME 'OK darling' DS: 'Mummy, I'm going to draw a dog' ME: 'Oh lovely you're going to draw a dog.' DS: 'Yes'. ME: 'Great, what a wonderful idea.' It's just the never- endingness of it and the repetative mind numbing things we have to say and do day in day out.

I should add that at age 5 DS1 is massively massively better than he was at 3, he doesn't need me to repeat what he says now thank God and actually is pretty interesting to be around....sometimes at least!

DS2 on the other hand,well, 17 month olds are not really he most interactive, interesting people are they?? But whingy, clingy, moody, constantly crying and niggling 17 month olds are something else all together .

Ohclutter totally know what you mean by your DS wanting feedback all the time. Mine, also 4, is the same. Even when he says mummy , if I just say 'hmm' that's not enough because he wants me to say 'yes!'
However, despite the frustrations am feeling massively validated in the way I feel and also not alone by this thread, in which almost everything everyone says resonates, and continuing to read What Mothers Do book.

Funny moment (or not) with DH today which made me think of you all. The baby (7months) starts moaning for food. He says cheerily, I'll feed her. I say great and then root around in the freezer for her food (lots of the ice cube portions I've made her look the same and shed already had chicken once so didn't want her to have it the same). I explain I'm just identifYing a non chicken meal FOR HIM TO FEED TO HER.

I put it in the microwave and suddenly he's on a work call, that he has made himself.

I ended up feeding her and was chuckling to myself (thanks to this thread was no longer as angry as I have been). I was just wondering what planet he was on and thinking how I would never had made a work call at that moment. Even if I'd wanted to, even if it was urgent, the fact the baby was minutes away from crying would have come first.

He can tell I'm a bit pissed off so he's lingering around trying to take over feeding whilst waffling on his work call. Ridiculous

Mac that made me chuckle! Sorry, probably shouldn't be chuckling, should be sending sympathy instead. Sympathetic and amused...

Yes yes to the repetition of small children! (Or should that be yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes......... and so on). Ds1 is lovely and I adore him but as I may have said before on this thread (apologies for repetition... ) he wants me to play cars with him all. the. time. He has most of the cars from the Cars2 disney film, and his play follows the same pattern: naughty cars bash good cars. Good cars chase bad cars. Bad cars get put in the car jail. Accompanied by lots of "ahahaHAAAA!" and "you can't catch me!" There is only so much of this I can do before I start to want to stab myself in the eye with a fork. But he asks so sweetly "Mummy, can you play with me...?" just when I am about to sit down for a blessed few minutes of peace (when dd2 is having a nap) I can't refuse and see his downcast little face (accompanied by "no-one EVER plays with me...") Gah!

Oddbod I think it was you who mentioned school holidays. Could you look up any summer classes that are running near you that your ds1 could go to? Your local sports centre or health club might have some, and that would give you a bit of a break from having both the children as well as giving him something fun to do.

Hope you've had a nice weekend ladies. Since passing out on friday, probably due to constant lack of sleep, I went to bed shortly after the kids on friday night - but then ended up getting up repeatedly during the night for dd2 Dh doesn't wake up whereas I am instantly awake when she cries, so I have always done the getting up at night. He did give me a lie-in on Saturday though, so I feel a tiny bit more human. Just a tiny bit - dd2 has decided that 5.50am is the time to get up now, so I was up at hideous o'clock this morning again. Need to purchase blackout blinds...