Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

yup, definitely although infertility and reoccurring miscarriage affected my mh in a much more profound way.

"yup, definitely although infertility and reoccurring miscarriage affected my mh in a much more profound way"

I guess most of us are lucky not to have experienced these things- so we have no comparison

YY to the poster who talked about late nights- I stay up way too late. People have told me I should be going to bed at 8.30 to catch up on sleep but I'm a person who never napped when my babies napped- I love that quiet time

I have just read a ton of comments and wanted to respond to many, so I have just done something seriously nerdy and written a few headings in this comment box, so I don't forget all of them. Although I've already forgotten some peoples' names and points I wanted to reply to, sorry. It's the 'baby brain' - that never gets better! I used to have a good memory, now I have to write endless lists or I forget everything. I walk upstairs and forget what I went up for. The other day I walked into the bedroom after using the toilet and found dd2 playing with a toy on the bed - I was like, "oh right, yes that's where I put you..." I've even forgotten I had dd2 and been surprised when I heard the baby monitor. Yet I am responsible for two children.... ha! Eek. I think it's the neverending sleep deprivation and slow killing of brain cells due to constant cries of "Mummy Mummy Mummy!"

KingRollo and Octopus I am so sorry you're having such a hard time. Octopus - three year old boys are horrible - four year old boys are much nicer! Ds1 is 4.5yo and generally lovely, apart from constantly demanding I put on voices for his toy cars (from the disney Cars film) and play the same game with them over and over [naughty cars bash good cars, good cars chase naughty cars, naughty cars go to car jail]. I feel part of my brain has died just by playing this game over and over again. But, what I mean to say is, the difficult phase your ds is going through will get better, I'm sure, you just have to ride it out and try to hang onto some shreds of sanity in the meantime. We've all been on the receiving end of a horrific tantrum where ignorant passersby mutter to each other darkly, probably wondering if they should call social services. Sod em all.

Oddbod that sounds a good plan to get out of the house for a bit at the weekend. Can you not leave dh with both dc's? Because you might have some nice quality time with ds1 but you may still feel like you haven't had a moment to yourself. In terms of your dh listening to you and caring that you're okay, dh and I have had some communication issues regarding this and have talked it out. Dh apparently listens and takes me seriously when I remain calm, and bring up the fact that I'm stressed or struggling with something in a calm and rational-sounding manner. It would appear that I annoy him if I rant at him like a wild-eyed loon, and he assumes I am ranting in the heat of the moment rather than coming out with something that I am genuinely feeling a lot of the time. So I get a much better response from him if I save it till the dc's are in bed, and explain myself calmly when we're sitting down in the evening. I know that sounds a faff and maybe why should you need to go to such lengths when you're feeling borderline deranged and stressed out of your eyeballs? But if you both have different personalities sometimes you have to work with each other a bit. I don't always do that. Sometimes I just rant. But I am more likely to get the reaction I want from him if I try not to. KingRollo I understand you must have a lot of frustration and anger at your dh so communicating calmly with him must be difficult. I know it must feel like "why does he get to have a breakdown when I'm the one feeling like having a breakdown?" In a way though, there might be a positive in this - if he's been slowly and steadily losing the plot, then depression and anxiety will have contributed to his behaviour towards you. Otherwise, he would have just behaved like a complete arse for no reason. He has still behaved like an arse, of course, but as he gets better he will hopefully realise that, appreciate you more, and try to make up for it. I wish you all the best, please feel free to rant here anytime.

Finally (I'll quit soon - sorry for epic post, I've got carried away) I do agree with the conspiracy of silence theory. I have one good friend who I can be totally honest with when the kids are driving me nuts, and she is like a breath of fresh air to me. I know that she knows I adore my dc's, and if I slag them off then it doesn't mean they aren't my sun, moon and stars. She just understands that it's bloody hard work and often a thankless job raising kids. We text each other saying "I feel like drop-kicking the baby out the window". She told me that she said something similar to one of her other friends who also has kids, and her friend looked absolutely appalled. So we decided to only text each other these things, and not risk having someone else call social services on us! (Just to clarify, in case you were considering calling SS - I would never drop-kick dd2 out of the window... And ds1 is too big to drop-kick)

Me too to late nights even when I'm exhausted! I sit and furiously MN.

Nananaps - sorry to hear about your experience. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that's massively affected my MH too and sometimes it's really difficult to separate out 'mum' stuff and 'illness' stuff and 'childhood' stuff.

Late nights here too! I need the sleep but I need the quiet time more, so I choose large quantities of caffeine to get me through the day (frequently microwaved as I haven't had a moment to drink them before they become stone-cold) over sleep.

I am quite incredibly and unreasonably hacked off with the fact that 3.9yo DD3 (who we ttc for 6.5 years, so definitely very much wanted) has not slept through the night since she was 4mo that I sometimes often wonder why on earth we had her. She is delightful and wonderful but I can very rarely feel that. In truth I think I have been suffering from low level PND since losing a pregnancy to a MMC 7 fucking years ago. I have not been the same since. And I echo every single thing that curryeater said early on expect that DH was and is very good with the children. I just feel exhausted and worn out. I work (supposedly full-time) from home while we can usually only afford part-time childcare so I spend a lot of my working day with DD3 bugging me constantly and with gnawing feelings of fear about not meeting deadlines.

My father died a month ago and I am at his house at the moment with my oldest DC (19) who is being helpful and my DD3 (3.9) who is not and who I actually want to shut in a padded cell and throw away the key at the moment. I am supposed to be sorting out my father's belongings and putting a load of it online to sell, do an immensely complicated bit of work and field both my needy and grieving stepmother and DD3 at the same time and I am really really struggling this evening.

On top of that my DH's mother's boyfriend died yesterday, so everything's pretty shit all round. Having failed to do anything of any significance today due to having to change DD3's pants every half hour I am now contemplating a night of work to try to catch up so as not to miss my deadline.

Been away from this thread for a bit but it remains a breath of fresh air.

My 3 year old is being a total nightmare at the moment. Will not do anything he is asked to, refuses to eat, refuses to go to bed, throws things around if he doesn't want them (often at the baby), screams and screams if he doesn't get his own way. Everything is a battle and I dread the days he's not at nursery.

If I put the baby down to pour cornflakes / get DS1 dressed / teeth, etc, etc he cries. Whenever the baby cries DS1 tries to compete by screaming. I just want to scream back at them both to shut the fuck up.

I can't admit to anyone (apart from DH) that I'm struggling. On the surface it should all be wonderful - DS2 is generally an easy baby, he sleeps well for 12wks old, feeds well and will happily be pushed around in his pram. I'm still exhausted by the night wakings. And just by being touched all the time. But people tell me I'm lucky etc when they ask me about sleeping and you can't come back from that with I don't feel fucking lucky - I want to get my body back and go back to my much loved job.

DH is massively supportive. Does loads round the house, will always do whatever is needed to keep going. I can rely on him to go to the supermarket without forgetting anything and do things like packing a change bag with everything we need. Emotionally though, he's not always so great. I told him I thought I had PND and he just didn't say anything. He's a man of actions, not words though and the physical support kept on coming.

I'm another one who stays up far too late as I'm alone and it's quiet. I also need to actively not drink, if you see what I mean, or it could spiral into drinking far too much.

If the baby is asleep I also refuse to get up and give my DS1 the iPad in the morning and leave him playing Temple Run and watching Lego / model diggers / unwrapping fucking Kinder Eggs (wtf?) on You Tube while I snooze next to him. I feel v guilty about this but I'm just exhausted and can't face the day.

Sorry for not name checking anyone but you're all brilliant.

Unwrapping Kinder Eggs?! Ha ha ha! What?

Happy nappies LOVE your description of blokes 'cooing' with kids
on their own. So true. I went through a (psycho) stage of banning DH from taking DS over to his mums when he was looking after him, because basically he handed over all the looking after DS to her. He always said it was nice for his mum to have time with DS and him but I felt it meant he never had any idea what my day was like!

Have been lurking throughout this post but barely any time to respond.

However, just to say this thread has really got me thinking about motherhood and I've bought and am now reading a great book called what mothers do. Get it, read it. I wish I'd read it before. A lot of the stuff we talk about here, ie only having 3 seconds to think about anything, is talked about. The book and this thread are really helping me accept the way I am finding motherhood to be, so much so that I'm back to enjoying it more again.

Ps happy nappies I meant COPING not cooing!!!

duchesse what an awful time you've had lately. And it must be so hard trying to work from home with kids at you at the same time. I hate it when I have to send a work email or get something done and dd2 keeps crying and ds1 is constantly nagging me to come and play or can he go on the Fireman Sam website. Go easy on yourself, you're obviously having to deal with and come to terms with a lot right now, and I really hope it starts to get easier soon.

Flosshilde I can totally empathise with struggling to get anything done as dd2 cries when I put her down, or bottom shuffles then falls backwards and bumps her head - cue more wailing. She is 7mo. It is so darn hard! Is there anywhere your baby will be happy for a short time so you can get jobs done / have a minute's peace? The jumperoo is the one place that dd2 can't escape from, and she will happily bounce in it by herself for a short time, if in the right mood / not too soon after a feed or she is sick. It's really handy though.

Part of feeling stressed / tired / fed up is that I also feel more irrationally emotional. I felt quite tearful this morning dropping ds1 (4.5yo) off at school because some of the boys have been a bit mean to him lately, "you're not our friend" etc. Ds1 is very chatty and sociable, sometimes a bit much for other kids as he'll bound up to them full of beans and want them to play. He also hasn't yet learned that being a bit too bossy / know-it-all won't go down well. He'll also argue back, so if they are mean to him he will probably argue and make it worse as at that age they don't seem to be able to just let things go. I'm anxious that his sweet, sociable, happy personality is going to be crushed if the other boys won't play with him and aren't nice to him. Part of me knows I really need to get a grip - he's not actually being bullied, they are only 4yo, there will be far worse things for me to get upset about as a mother in years to come, if I fall apart at the suggestion that ds1 is a little upset then I will have a breakdown and be a hopeless mum when the proverbial does one day hit the fan. Yet I can't shake off the over-emotional feeling a bit teary mood I'm in this morning. Probably lack of sleep (dd2 still up loads with her cold and snot++) makes it harder to gain perspective on things. Or as a perpetually sleep-deprived mum am I doomed to be forever over-sensitive and an emotional wreck?!

Good morning to you all

Duchesse sorry for all the troubles you and the family are going through. Sounds like you are juggling a lot of balls and despite what you think, you are doing a wonderful job.

It does make me realise that in general, I have nothing to be miserable about. I have a wonderful husband, a healthy family. I should be walking on air, yet I feel like I am dragging my self uphill through custard, stumbling and spluttering away desperate for someone to offer me a hand... yet like someone else said, what can they really do to help??? Nothing! DS2 won't go to anyone who is not me or DH. DS1 would feel pushed out if I plonked him on family members (who actually wouldn't be available to help anyway) and I'd miss him too much. It does feel a bit like there's no alternative. I have made my bed so to speak.

Arrgh. Why does it all have to be such hard work?? Before we had children, I'd look at adverts for holidays, you know the Haven ones with the slim, carefree, smiling mother, the handsome dad and the two giggling children, and I just couldn't wait to start a family pretty much as soon as we got married. Even pampers adverts with the soft lighting gently bouncing off the beautiful cherub like cheeks of a smiling baby. What a fucking lie. I feel robbed! What the adverts don't show is the baby whinging, crying, pinching, throwing himself around in a strop. The exhausted wrinkled, flabby mother, the stressed out dad and the poor neglected older child moaning and arguing just for attention. Yet still we keep our silence. I feel like roaring 'THIS SUCKS!!!!!! It's all a fucking lie!!!!'

It's my ds1s 10th b day today.
He is a lovely kid.
Ds2 is 4 and much harder work obv.
But I am broken :(
10 years of sleepless nights, not eating enough, worry, anxiety....I am undergoing tests for a heart condition and my parents are both getting more frail.
It's been unremittingly bleak for months now....ds2 was recently dx as asthmatic but he had a dreadful winter. He was also in hospital last week with a nasty infection and it still not well. Back to gp tomorrow. I was rushed to hospital 3 weeks ago and again on Monday.
It's my lovely boys birthday today and I am doing a family party for 20 later on and - this is awful - I don't want to.
I want to run away.
I am so tearful and anxious today. I even asked dh to have a day off work as otherwise I just couldn't cope.
:(

Good luck with the party Badvoc. Hope your DS1 has a lovely birthday. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Pleased your DH has taken the day off though.

I'm actually wondering if it's not parenting that I'm finding hard, it's parenting with DH that I'm finding hard.

I just wish he would once say " let's get them ready for bed", "let's get their teeth brushed", "I think I ought to get started on their tea".

I don't want to be the domestic managing director. I don't want to have to say "please could you change DD2's nappy", "please could you brush DD1's teeth". If I'm on my own with them I just get on and do it. If he's there I feel we should tackle things as a team. If I see DH put the kettle on before tackling a nappy change one more time, I think I'm going to go postal............................

But then I think lone parents must have it so much harder

Nuts...yes. I totally get that!

Huge sympathy to everyone who feels they're doing this in spite of their DHs, rather than with them.

Have just got DS to bed - I had to tuck him into my bed and lie down with him to get him quiet enough to go to sleep, and then move him into his own bed asleep. Why is it so damn difficult to get a small child to go to sleep?! DH is out so I have a few rare moments of a peaceful house to myself - does anyone else find that that's such a treat that they almost end up paralysed with indecision trying to think how to use it and not waste it?

I'm going to work like crazy this coming year on getting DS to learn to read. If he can read, he can hopefully entertain himself more and the whole sodding bedtime routine will get less awful. And with luck we'll get through the potty training, which is the other thing making life unbearable lately, and this time next year we might have a slightly nicer human being.

"Why is it so damn difficult to get a small child to go to sleep?!"

You must have heard Samuel L Jackson's famous audio version of Adam Mansbach's book?

Nutsinmay I was a single parent with my dd after leaving her Dad who was no help and it was a relief being on my own. I didn't have the resentment and anger simmering away because I was having to do everything yet also pick up after him like he was a child.

Ohcluttergotme Yes I feel I'm silently and not so silently seething for much of the time we are together. It's no life to lead.

He loves them dearly, I just wish he would take the initiative. Is he not doing taking the initiative because I micro manage or am I micro managing because he's not taking the initiative? Who knows?

Hello everyone

Nuts, I get a bit cross when people on here say "if you want your dp to help you have to let him do it his way" because the person who is saying it doesn't know what they are talking about, frankly. I mean I know that there are lunatics who have to hang the washing out with colour coordinated pegs, and they should probably take a step back if they are nagging their dp to do the same, but there are ways of cocking things up to the extent that the other person has to do it all over again, or things get lost or damaged or wasted, and it costs time and money, and it is reasonable to object to all this.

Anyone who is looking to put some fire back into their relationship should read this and be inspired.

www.theonion.com/articles/nothing-gets-me-wetter-than-a-monotonous-domestic,32779/

Yes from me. Im spending £750 pm on Nursery fees to help me stay relatively stable. What did I know hey??

Hi ladies. Well a new high (sarcasm) today when ds1 had a friend from school and his mum come over for lunch and to play for the first time. I wanted us to make a good impression so the house was clean and tidy (I should have taken photos to remind myself what the living room floor looks like), I had tasty food in for lunch, and dd2 looked cute and presentable rather than covered in snot / dribble / the mush she ate for breakfast. Unfortunately last night's sleep was poor due to dd2 recovering from a cold, so I slightly overdid it on the caffeine front today. Resulting in my getting up from the table, walking into the kitchen, passing out on the floor and cutting my elbow / smashing a plate to smithereens all over the tiles. Well it'll give the mums something to talk about at the gate...

You poor thing Mummytobenji! How do you feel now? I didn't know you could faint from too much caffeine, although I did feel bloody peculiar from it the other day.

My new low today was crying in front of DD's teacher. Go me. DD is having 7yo 'nobody plays with me' strife and told me she always feels unhappy. It was like looking into my own eyes, and was very upsetting, so when I went to discuss it with her teacher, I just filled up again. Teacher doesn't have kids - she's lovely, but looked a bit scared.