Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Ohhhh fucking wankers Biff and sodding Kipper. Those twats.

Quite.

Anyway, I guess I'd better sod off & do some more soul destroying wife work. Thanks for this thread, thank you all for posting what you have, it's given my cold, dark heart a little succor. It helps to know I'm not a terrible person for feeling the way I do.

I've often thought there's a conspiracy of silence surrounding motherhood, no-one tells you the true horrors because they want you to join them in the dark & parents beg for grandchildren because they want you to suffer as they did. I tell any childless friend who'll listen not to bother, I see it as my contribution to the sisterhood.

I guess I'll be checking in regularly. Keep fighting the good fight.

DS thinks wiping snot on me is a huge joke. It is funny actually and one of those times in the day I really laugh despite having felt like I've climbed a mountain in order to put make up on. I think that's what people mean when they say 'it's all worth it'. There are those high highs. Like really pinching yourself high. But the crashing lows - oh God. I really feel that when you have children in the waiting cubicle for this life you took the ticket from God for the rollercoaster rather than the little fun train. I think we were probably warned that it wasn't going to be easy but took the ticket regardless (possibly drunk at the time). I hope we made the right decision taking that ticket. I hope the rollercoaster doesn't derail through a technical fault....

Feel awful today, went into town with my 3 year old after he had had his pre-school booster. He had massive tantrums in Asda, people were looking, I ended up talking to a staff member, I told him he was horrible several times. Please feel free to flame me. I walked homw, or should I say struggled the 10 minute walk home with him thinking that I may work full time and have him in full time child care next year. On days like today, really don't feel that I am cut out for this. Have been crying on and off for the last hour (in between doing chores of course). have been unable to interact with him since we got home, have made him lunch, but just feel so drained and angry. Have to take him with me to something at my Son's school at 2, don't feel up to going, have a headache, feel exhausted, will have to reapply make up - just so wish he wasn't 3. Don't feel this bad everyday, but time of the month and I have recently found out that I have got quite a bad iron deficiency, am taking supplements and have started eating meat (after 20 years plus), as there is no room for me to be ill, it is just not an option. Sorry, I know this is a bit of a pity party post, just feel that I need some sympathy today, although I know I should be cuddling and bonding with my Son right now. Feel like such a cow, he was probably playing up cause of the jabs, although he seemed ok and got chocolate afterwards, but cannot help thinking that its just cause he couldn't have his own way. Sorry.

Stripedmum "you took the ticket from God for the rollercoaster rather than the little fun train." TOTALLY.
Even when the roller coaster is not actually killing you with fright at this precise moment, you know it is just building to something.

I sometimes think that motherhood seems so terribly unfair, relative to fatherhood, because in Ye Olden Dayes, everyone's life was terrifying and exhausting and shit, or if it was not, you were pretty much on a par with your partner. I mean either you were posh and had staff and your husband had a comfortable job in an office, or you were not posh and did everything yourself including laundry by hand, and your husband was up at 5 am to go down the mines and risk death in a day's backbreaking, filthy, exhausting labour.

I am not from outrageously posh stock but my grandmothers did not expect to do everything; they had au pairs, sent laundry out, had cleaners, someone to do the garden. and did not woh, or not constantly, not when the littles were little. My maternal grandmother worried about my mother working, and liked to send gifts and things to try and help. I cannot imagine - really cannot imagine - her not going out for months or years on end, she was terribly glamorous and it was clear even to me as a child that it was accepted that adults have adult times and adult privileges and although she was incredibly kind I just can't imagine her putting her life on hold for longer than the baby-baby stage.

Must think how to channel her spirit!

Oddbodd - totally take your ds out and have a nice time, but please please try to work out how to disconnect totally for a few moments while dh takes over - I am always burbling about them on here, but there are some really good audio thingies you can use to relax, you need the kids to be taken care of by someone else for 20 mins so you can use them but if you have that in place it is a way of not worrying - try it maybe and see, it is not healthy to be on all the time

x-posts with two cris des coeurs.
Sorry KingRollo and Octopus that you are having such shit days. I feel guilty for being so flippant about attempting to be glamorous and go out like my grandma now, when you two (and so many on this thread) are just attempting to survive. Big hugs to you both.

Curryeater you make a good point actually. I didn't realise how 'on' I have been but it's not healthy to be on high alert all the time. God knows what my blood pressure must be like, I feel like I am in a constant state of 'fight or flight' which can't be healthy for my body or my mind.

Sorry about your crap morning Octopus pretty much everyone with a 3 year old has been there! Well for us, it was more when DS1 was2 we liteally could not go anywhere without melt downs and him crying over everything. DS2 is similar and he's only 17 months. I am so bored of listening to the crying and trying to prevent the next melt down and whinge-athon. Just to reasure you though my DS1 that was horrific as a baby and toddler is now the most even tempered, lovely little 5 yr old boy. you already know this passes if you have an oldr child but it really won't last forever.

KingRollo I feel for you. I always feel guilty when I read or hear of people with husbands who just don't pull their weight. It makes me feel so crap because actually on that front DH is pretty lovely. He does more than his fair share of entertaining the boys and is great but like I said up thread, it's the boring but hugely important keeping them alive things that seems to always fall on my shoulders! I think you need to let him know that you aren't happy. Why should he get to have his meltdown while you cope and take on the whole burden. It's not fair. He needs to know how exhausting breasfeeding and taking care of the baby and the house is. This is something my DH stuggles to understand. Even now DS1 is at school, DS2 is asleep, I am still on high alert. Can't do anything or go anywhere so I have to try and get all the chores and cleaning done before DS2 wakes up and begins his crying and tugging on me.

Ahhhhh annnd breeathe!

I'm on high alert until DH comes home

This thread is actually frightening me how many people feel in the same boat. I have been on high alert for several months (think meercat with adrenaline pumping and raging at silly little things) and have just been diagnosed with PTSD, it can apparently effect anyone and doesn't have to be caused by one specific event - I think it's called complex PTSD. I've suffered with lots of mental health problems over the years and just assumed it was my personality, I'm now starting to see that my personality is very different and the depression, anxiety etc are just a reaction to a shit childhood - the stress of having a baby and toddler seems to have triggered the PTSD.

I can't keep up with all the posts on here but lurk almost daily because it's so helpful to me to know I'm not alone in finding things a struggle. I'm so glad the thread got moved to a permanent board.

I'm really hoping all of us will get better at juggling our own needs with those of our children. hope everyone is feeling a little better today

happynappies DS3 (aka house destroyer) is almost 3. He is at nursery now and it is blissfully quiet without him. The buzzing sensation in my head dies down when he's not here. I have a moment to make him a drink and wash some strawberries for him, for when he gets back, and look forward to liking him again for having had a break.

Yes, I have found people are unsympathetic because I have 4. 'Well it isn't as if you didn't know it would be hard' is a recent comment.

It is tough for you because yours are so close in age. My eldest is 8 1/2 and although he does still obviously need a lot of attention, he is more physically self sufficient, and actually quite helpful with lots of little things like helping to carry stuff in from the car and clearing the table after tea. Well, he is when he's been reminded 10 times, anyway! I've also found if I can get him to behave, his good example will encourage the others to do the same.

YY to 'baking fucking cupcakes'!! I have long ago decided I am not going to submit to some daft external pressure to do activities like that. Fair enough if it is your thing, but really there's no need if it isn't. There are so many ways to spend time with your kids, you really only need to do the things you all like.

KingRollo I feel for you too. I always think my dh pulls his weight, but I know from speaking to others that they think my life isn't fair - he gets to go out to work, I get to look after the dcd etc, and they would have a very different take on it. I see friends rolling their eyes when I say how hard he works. My dh would never contemplate taking any of the dc with him e.g. to a doctors/hairdressers/optician etc appointment, whereas I always have to. Going round the supermarket with at least three of them in tow, then coming back to him saying 'Why did you forget x? Did you not have a list?!!'. I have spent a long time 'battling' with dh - totting up mentally (and a few times on paper!!) how many tasks we both do through the day, and trying to prove who has it 'worse' as it were. I find ultimately it is futile. If they go out to work they will never really understand the life you lead back at home. Its not just the tasks, its the emotional impact it all has, and the fact that this is your life, not just a novelty day 'off' or whatever, it is day in day out without a break. It is the way other people assume you can't have a brain if you spend your day with babies or young children, it is the way you have to hold about 18 things in your head at once, and when you forget something although the consequences aren't 'life or death' as one male friend once patronisingly put it, sometimes they can be, and sometimes it can just lead to a hundred other things going wrong/being late etc, which is so hard to deal with when you are up against it anyway.

If you can get your dh to change his ways then that will be great for you, but if you can't try to work with him with what you've got if that doesn't sound too patronising! My dh responds when I hit rock-bottom and sob, and will renew his efforts to get to bed early so he doesn't wake me up (along with all the dc waking me up at various points in the night) and will try not to moan quite so much about the things I get 'wrong' if you like. Sometimes I think it is like looking after another child, having a dh. Obviously they do some things, but so many other things need doing for them, and while they are very good at playing with the dc, when you go out for the day, who packs the picnic, suncream, hats, first aid stuff, changes of clothes, camera etc? Who remembers to charge phones/camera battery? Who does all the logistics behind the scenes to enable a simple thing like a trip out to actually happen? They'll tell you that if you left them to it they'd cope, and I've no doubt they would. But it would be in a very in-efficient way. They would leave late. They would forget half the stuff. They would have to buy e.g. a new hat or change of clothes. They would probably end up visiting their mum who would make lunch for the dc (speaks from bitter experience) and they would bring tired dc back late, with no washing done during the day, no house cleaned or tidied, toys left out from before, umpteen jobs to do, and no thought as to what is for tea, packed lunches for the next day, what 'top up' shopping needs getting...

Oh it's so depressing... I wish I could offer a way ahead, as simply going over and over it and putting into words how I feel doesn't seem to help. I'd like to make positive changes for the better, but can't even string a sentence together most of the time so have no idea where to begin. Having some 'headspace' is key I think. Just being able to think about what might help, what might be worth fighting for e.g. a trip to the hairdressers or something? Being able to focus on something for more than three seconds. I calculated three seconds is about as long as I ever have before one of the children shouts/wines/makes a demand. All day long from 5.30am until 7.30 pm, that is a lot of 3 seconds, then I've got the nightshift too. No wonder we go crazy!!

KingRollo just read your post. Your DH is crap. It really annoys me on your behalf that you are expected to keep going because he has had a breakdown.

Only stay with him if you love him and if he is the right life partner for you. Your DD won't want you to always be stressed and unhappy because you stayed with a lazy arsehole the wrong person for her sake.

KingRollo just read your post again and realise that things are not good for your dh and his mental health, so realise it is far more difficult that I'm suggesting, and he's not in a place to help you. This sounds so difficult. Without meaning to sound flippant, I nearly keeled over at Christmas when my dh had 'flu and took to his bed for two weeks. I was begging him to get up and help, and he couldn't understand why I was being so 'unsympathetic'. I was frightened I was going to go under, and he was amazed that I was asking him to get out of bed. We argued so much, it was an awful time. So I can't even imagine what it must feel like for you, but hope that you don't feel so alone with the friendly people on here.

Hi all

Just wanted to check in but will catch up properly this evening...

ahandfullofdust - conspiracy of silence around motherhood YES, I have thought this so many times since having children, why can´t people be honest and tell it like it is...I don´t hold back one jot when my 2 childless sister-in-laws ask me what it´s like to have children.

Speaking of conspiracy of silence: I have a friend who had a very hard year or two and eventually split up with her husband. He just didn't help at all and she was going under. Anyway all the time while this was going on I had no idea that her life was basically untenable. We did 2 mat leaves together and on the second one we would often send texts saying "coffee this pm?" and get a reply saying "omg yes I need the caffeine and i need the company" but I didn't realise that she was slowly and inexorably making a decision that she had a shit life and something had to change. I suppose she "didn't like to moan" - but it makes you think, a lot of the people you see every day might be in a much worse state than you realise.

The absolute worst thing for me is the guilt for feeling this way - I'm terrified anyone (especially DD) will think it somehow influences the "amount" of love I feel for my child.

It really horrifies me, so I'm scared to talk about it.

Does this make sense?

Poppy I spent the first year of DSs life worried about the "amount" I loved him I.e was it the right amount?

I have a DD now and I'm 'over it' so to speak but it wasn't pleasant. It's silly - you only feel what you feel.

WOW, there's me feeling like I wasn't normal. I am a working single mum with 2 kids but I don't think worry and tiredness is different for any mum even one who is with a partner and has 2 kiddies your still emotionally and mentally drained. I panic over everything I find yoga and mediation helps a lot. I panic if I go to the nursery and a new nursery teacher is there I'm thinking could they be a weirdo or panic over them eaten grapes if I cant see them. I get up in the night randomly and check on my boys constantly I cant sleep. If I hear a ambulance I panic thinking like where are they going if i am in the area of the nursery or school. I say don't touch that wall or money it has germs but when I look back my mum has taught me a lot of these things and my Nans worse. I swear you develop PARENTAL OCD. That's whats draining. IF WE DON'T STOP THIS PANICKING OUR CHILDREN WILL BE AFFECTED. Me i am going to try the Bowen Technique.

Hello folks, and good to see new names posting all the time. to all those have a tough day/week/month/marriage.

What's chimed with me today was someone's comment about sharing food - this makes me fume! I remember someone on MN ages ago saying they cured their DS of begging food from her by saying 'Only dogs do that'. Brilliant as it sounded, it hasn't worked on mine. I find myself eating in the kitchen standing up just so it won't get begged off me. Not helpful when I'd rather be open and honest about eating with the DCs, not eating in secret and setting a bad example. Noticed DD1 eating her toast standing up in the kitchen rather than taking it to the table. Seems she is already following my example.

Night-waking and bf - I firmly believe the answer to when they wake but you're sure they're not hungry is for Daddy to do it. Say you can't go as the baby will want feeding and you know they're not hungry. Big full stop. Close eyes. Gently assertive.

Gotta go, house is on the market (more stress, anyone?) and viewers due on a mo.