Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Long-time lurker here, I've joined MN just to post on this amazing thread. Thank you so much for it. It's barely an exaggeration to say reading it has kept me sane over the last week or so! The feeling of not being alone is amazing.

Sorry if this is a bit incoherent-it's late, am on phone, plus first post! Like others I NEED time to myself so go to bed too late, which probably doesn't help matters. Did sleep earlier in the eve, though.

I have had some MH issues in the past, so I suppose it's not a massive surprise that I struggle with parenting so much. DP is wonderful, but as others have said, doesn't get it. We both work shifts and cover childcare for toddler DD between us. I'm pt and he's ft though, so I have her on my own more. She is better-behaved for him, which obviously I blame myself for, but he is only just coming to realise the difference in her behaviour with us both, and that that might affect what I can and can't do in a day.

He said the other day that he didn't understand why I found it so hard to get chores done in the day when I was on mat leave, and even now (obviously better now, but still tough sometimes), when he gets stuff done. Well, let me see. Could it have been the lack of sleep? Think someone upthread mentioned bfing whilst DP snored next to them-YYY! Drove me bonkers. He'd wake DD up just as she's dropped off, after maybe an hour of feeding. He'd then get cross if I woke him up to ask if he could maybe move so he wasn't snoring. It would then take another hour to get DD back to sleep. He'd then yawn pointedly throughout the next day because being awake for two whole minutes in the night is clearly KNACKERING. Phew, am quite cross about that, clearly!

Also, bf DD was very, very clingy with me, to the point where I couldn't put her down for months. That made chores a little tricky. Plus bf itself took forever in my day. Plus she'd never sleep in her cot so needed holding if we were in the house. Plus even now she will often whine and shriek and pull at my clothes if i so much as try to make bloody beans on toast, whereas she'll play happily for ages while he makes a proper meal. I could go on!

I just can't believe that I tell him all of the above and he STILL doesn't get it. I'm sure it's annoying coming home to jobs that need doing, but I work too, and it is SO MUCH EASIER than being at home (and I work with kids! Mad, I know).

God, I've gone off on a massive tangent, haven't I?! Sorry for using you all as some sort of therapy! DD is such a sweetheart and I can't believe how much I love her, but the RELENTLESSNESS of it all drives me mad. The washing/cleaning/meals, the having to PLAY all the time, the feeling guilty if I try to read a book for 5 mins whilst she's having her lunch. Before I had her I thought I'd be good at parenting but I'm not. I remember looking at a woman feeding her baby in a cafe and judging her harshly as she dared to be looking at her phone instead of gazing into her baby's eyes. Was I completely nuts??

I SO relate to the story early on in the thread about being at the zoo, and also to the great descriptions of having people round but not actually getting to talk as they sit about demanding tea and not helping whilst you're making tea, getting snacks AND looking after child/ren. Some of them spend this time moaning about how they never had any help when their own children were little. I'm looking at you, DM!

Sorry again for huge, ranty post. Hope you are all enjoying restful nights and thank you again for making me feel less alone and mad.

I remember being chided for reading while my first son nursed. I had forgotten about that. But, I think that was the beginning of a theme for me: I love my kids, but I resent being expected to focus solely on them, all the time.

I sometimes hear other mums talk about how hard it is in this sort of way: "It's so exhausting and boring to take my child to the park and push them on the swings every day, but I do it."

See, I don't do it. Oh, sometimes I will, but I hate it so much that I almost never do. I just let my kids amuse themselves, which means telly and quarrelling.

When I was a kid, kids played outside, but now they can't. It's not safe for my children to do that where we live because of traffic, etc.

I do do some things. I will load them in the car and take them for a day in to York or something maybe once a month. I also separate them for one on one days, leaving two with inlaws or husband to take one on a day out with me. I have one or two of them in my bed at night, and I will cuddle and watch movies.

What I won't do is play with them or stand there and watch them play. I feel guilty about that.

Well I do wonder who has or right. DH off today and giving me a MUCH needed lie in after a week of the both of them (however DD will be politely delivered to me at the slightest whinge with declarations that 'she must be hungry').

You see he has switched on the TV and is watching his sitcoms while DS plays. This would not happen for me as DS knows if he paws at me and brings me books I'll eventually give in and give him attention. Like others though I love the pants off him I find toddler play such hard work - and he is only ever interested in something for 15 minutes max.

Oh God yy to the ducking constant washing. It's funny as the things I moan about are soooo typical. I find myself saying typical 'mum' moany things like: "This basket is never empty," and cringing. It's just not me. The sound of the washing cycle now makes me feel sick as its going all day.

I never had any concept of babies/children and happily admit that I felt it was time to have them as my friends were!!!! The shame! I clearly never learnt the 'if your friends jumped off a cliff would you?' lesson as a child.

at ducking. You know what I meant.

Also * it's and a few other things I can't be arsed to correct.

What brilliant writing. I love you all.

Handfulofdust, the vintage row boat cracked me up.

Something I have been musing on, since saying the other day about how we can't strike, and this is how other workers achieved their rights: how to make our problems other people's problems. How to force the people around you to take on what you can't take any more. Asking doesn't work. Struggling on doing the very best you can, hoping that virtue will somehow be rewarded, doesn't work. Enraging and infuriating people doesn't make them want to help you. Making your problem their problem makes them want to solve it. How to do it?

A small victory in this area last night: to cut a long story short, a segment of a rather snippy conversation with dp:

me: "but you were the one who wanted to do x!"
him: "I was wrong. It isn't working. Let's not do x"

Silence. I was floored. This has never happened before. I firmly believe it is because I made my problem his problem, although only partly consciously. This is my conscious goal from now on.

Sorry if that sounds bitter and uncooperative and unloving. I do love him. I just can't trust him to take my problems seriously unless I force him to. And I bloody well will from now on, wherever I can.

I was in John Lewis when DH said he needed to pop into the Apple store to buy a present.

I jumped at the chance and said he could take DD with him while I had a coffee by myself; he looked at me as if I was a loonball and pointed out it was raining outside and he couldn't take the baby out on that deluge.

This hit me to the core, I actually felt like my whole body sagged and my eyes filled with tears immediately - I'm still shocked at how violent my reaction was, but for a few seconds I had envisioned 20ms of bliss nothingness and when that was taken away I couldn't cope.

I'm never alone and my 15 month old still wakes up 6 times a night, so going to bed at night is just "more of the same" but in the dark.

Doddammit Poppy, that makes me fume - if the baby is small enough to be in a pram, you use the rain cover; if the baby is big enough to walk, (s)he has a coat and a hat and is not water-soluble. I am not having a go at you because I know that if you need to get something done that means taking the baby out in the rain, you will get that goddamn thing done. It's only an obstacle when it suits someone else.

I would have killed for that coffee too.

I know what you mean by "more of the same but in the dark". But I didn't have that at 15 months! Is he bfing? Is he sick? Is it always 6 times? My heart absolutely bleeds for you. I have only had 6-times nights recently when someone is ill. Do you want to talk about this and see if anyone has any helpful suggestions, or would "helpful" suggestions just make you want to kill us? If the latter, then please accept a virtual hand hold, and consider us people you are allowed to swear violently at.

Oh bless you Poppy I do understand that reaction. And however nice and supportive or not your dh might be, he probably isn't going to understand that feeling of desperation that arises from not having a minute to yourself all day. And night, too. I nearly had a wobble this morning whilst trying to make ds1's breakfast, as dd2 is now bottom shuffling - at 7mo - and there is nowhere I can safely put her down so that I can do anything. I struggle to go to the loo or get dressed - I went to the loo this morning with her sitting on the landing surrounded by pillows. She can escape from anything - bumbos, playnests. She particularly likes breaking free and diving on her head. She's having a nap currently and ds1 is at nursery for the morning, so I am enjoying a little peace and cup of coffee while reading this excellent thread!

That's clever of you curry to turn problems around so that your dh helps you find solutions. I hope it continues to work!

Welcome to newcomers, and handful your eloquent posts made me chuckle.

Oh geez dd2 is stirring - feels like I've had about 5 minutes! typing furiously The relentlessness mentioned above is what gets me - I feel like I could cope with the stresses and business of motherhood if I could have some regular short breaks from it, but it is constant. I don't remember the last time I didn't have to get up at night with one or both kids. I think it may have been in 2011. I'm now a GP but I used to work in hospital and did daft hours - longest shift was 56 hours nonstop. Parenting is like that - there is always a darn bleep that can go off at any moment, for any reason. At least after the crazy shifts I could go home to bed!

Okay okay dd2 I'm coming.... Hugs to you all x

I second curry's handholding or happy to give suggestions if that would be helpful, or just be sympathetic if suggestions would be annoying...

I have eaten lunch over the last week mostly with a boob in DDs mouth and DS whining for 'mammy apful' (some of my apple despite the fact I've already given him his...). A lunch break would be nice.

They both went to sleep at the same time yesterday for a nap and it really was heaven. Although DH doesn't want DS to have a nap as it takes longer to get him to sleep on a night. Ha!!!!!! Like I would wake him up if it means 5 mins to myself! DH doesn't understand this. I envy women with children who all fall asleep for a nap at the same time in their beds.

Oh yeah keep the daytime nap going for as long as possible! Totally agree Lunch 'break' is an amusing term, isn't it. Who actually has a break at lunchtime?! Lunchtime is manic - heating up mush for baby, trying to feed her, making separate food for ds1 as he has had feeding difficulties and subsequent eating phobia and then nagging / cajoling / encouraging him to eat / trying not to lose it and yell "just eat something ffs!" One day our dc's will all be at school and we can enjoy lunch 'breaks'.... daydreaming Except we'll probably be back at work or suffocated under the overflowing laundry pile or something. A nice thought, anyway. (Lunch breaks, not the suffocating, although there are times I'd welcome that too).

"mammy apful" is funny.

dd2 "I have it! I have it! Dis one! I eat it!" pointing wildly like a starving child at the food I am in the act of putting in my mouth
me: "This is the same cheese that you have. Look, here it is, on your plate."
dd2 "No no no no no, not eat it, dd2 NOT eat it! I eat dis one, mummy one sheese!"

AAAAAARGH

Wow brillant posts from AHandFullofDust and GettingStrong I had to laugh at the friends looking at you like you suggested barbecuing the first-born. That's exactly it. Every time I say something about how hard I find it or make a joke about DS2 trying to torture me, people look at me like I'm insane or just laugh and look a little shocked- then scuttle away to their perfect lives and amazing children!

I try to tell my close friends that I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall just trying to survive the day and they just kind of sweep it under the carpet. My BEST friend has a 15 month old baby and they have custody of her husband's 3 sons from his previous relationship....even she NEVER EVER has admitted to feeling the way I do. She just breezes through it. She'll complain if the baby has kept her awake or mention if one of the boys has done something to annoy her but she's not struggling on a day to day basics just to survive til bedtime. Or if she is then why wouldn't she tell me??? She knows how I feel. I can only assume that she's made of stronger stuff than me :(

My cousin just had her 3rd baby in 4 years. She seems to be loving it. We talk often and never ever does she say it's horrible.

Today DS2 decided to wake up screaming and get the whole house up at 6am so of course he's even more tired and crabby than usual. He's having a nap now (normally has it at 12) so it means he'll be horrific by bedtime and tea time will be dominated by him crying and whining.

I am still stunned that even after what I said yesterday to DH that 'I hate DS2 and I can't do this any more' he has not once asked me if I'm OK. He hasn't discussed it at all. I am screaming out for help. I am telling people I AM NOT COPING. I was expecting a bit of a bollocking from him but it seems he's just immune to it. I'm not sure which I'd have preferred. If he'd have been mean about it, at least I would have known that he cares. It just seems like he doesn't give a shit how I feel. He knows I am drowing and he's just watching me.

Oddbodd, can you just leave for the day? Grab the keys and run out the door and leave your husband to get on with it?

No where really to go

Plus when I'm away I miss DS1 and I worry that DH won't be coping and that DS1 will be having a crap day because DH is run ragged by DS2. I feel so tied to them. I feel like my place is here with them, whenever I go anywhereI can not focus on anything anyway. I wish I could just go. Go for a trip to Costa on my own without having to keep a 17 month old pacified. I long for a quiet hot chocolate or a chat with a friend that isn't punctuated by crying or DS2 smacking me or DS1.

I am thinking this weekend of taking DS1 out to Costa for a hot chocolate and having a little chat with him while leaving DS2 with DH. Does that sound pathetic??? I'd love a little day just with me and DS1.

Oddbodd re. Other mums I think they are just not up to discussing feelings. I'm a person who likes to discuss feelings.

My best friend has just had a baby. I know for a fact she's not coping as DH works with her DH and has told him chapter and verse about it. However despite knowing I had extreme PND with DS1 she will not mention how she feels, despite me trying to open the gates for her. It's all 'mummyhood is marvellous' garbage, via FB of course.

She even went as far to discuss a woman who told her about her PND and said it was 'distasteful' this lady shared her personal feelings. I think this is how a lot of people are raised. In fact the more perfect things seem I truly believe the more fucked up things are. Of course I don't wish suffering on anyone but this is universal stuff - however only a few are honest enough to put it out there. Look at the response this thread has had.

To be fair to DH, we didn't have the rain cover at the time and I hadn't noticed it was raining, but that fleeting moment really drove it home.

curry and mummy2Benji thanks for the support; DD is ridiculously healthy, but it would appear she just doesn't need much sleep. I'm also an absolute wuss when it comes to sleep training, so I'm in a state of reluctant acceptance at the moment.

She'll get over it... I think.

I worked all over the world, did crazy hours and suffered Investment Bankers and Hedge Fund prodigies; I used to say having children would be a walk in the park

This thread has been a daily balm and the writing is superb (curry I would buy that book). Thank you everyone.

• disclaimer - I don't think these women are nasty in any way but not sharing, just raised differently.

Imagine my when another friend referred to her may leave as a holiday! Now that did have me scratching my head a bit. I suppose it is different strokes for different folks.

• mat leave

Oddbodd, you are doing this to yourself! DS2's father must deal with him while you take care of yourself.

You know how on airplanes they always say that you must fix the oxygen mask to yourself before doing so for your children? It's the same principle. You can't be of any use to others if you are not ok, yourself.

If a chat with ds 1 is what you crave, then do it. I still encourage you to go somewhere by yourself, as well.

Hello all. I completely relate to what everyone's saying here, just before I found this thread I was sitting at the kitchen table explaining to DH how I felt, that I'm tired, that I can't do it all anymore, that I'm dreading the Summer holidays. He was, until recently, working away during the week & has recently jacked in his (very well paid) job to start a business, which is great, I fully support him & it's something he's always been passionate about and I think it will be a big success. BUT I see him even less now, he's working weekends & evenings too, we've put all our savings into this & a goodly pile of debt, & now I'm working for the business too (which is brilliant in many ways as I'm using skill I'd forgotten I had).

My stress levels are through the roof, I lie awake at night with so many things whirling round & round, I had to let the cleaner go because we can't afford her at the moment, I can't afford to do much in the Summer holidays until things start taking off, I just feel that my bloody life has been compromised and made so much harder because he's doing what HE wants to do.

And DD has been having problems in her first year at school, & I'm the one going to meetings & fighting the fight & talking to ed psychs & worrying myself to death about her & coping with a very angry little girl.

And it's all Just Too Much.

I was waving my arms at DH & and telling him i'm sick of knowing where the light-bulbs are & where the socks are & where the tupperwear is & school lunches & school plays & school trips & homework & fucking Biff & bastard Kipper.

And told him one day I'll have a dream & he'd better bloody support it. Which is a joke, because I'll be wibbling in a corner by then.

Sorry for the epic posts - seem to have a lot I need to get out.

Ohh my lord, that does make me feel like I am just getting it all wrong!!! Surely noone thinks like that!

Anyway thank you striped you could be right actually. I am definitely a person who likes to connect with people and I do constantly feel things and want to discuss things. I guess not everyone is that same. I know one of my other friends who has 2 kids similar ages to mine never really questions if she's doing a good job, never really analyses how she feels or if her kids are happy etc. She just gets on with it and it very thick skinned. She doesn't seem to feel things on the same level as I do but that's not to say she doesn't inside but she ccertainlly would never dicuss it.

I suppose this thread is testement to the fact that we are not alone! I am not an evil miserable cow of a mother simply because I do't adore every single second of being snotted on, hit, cried and screamed at. That is reassuring!

And I also completely agree re the medication of women, I was thinking of taking myself to the doctor's & throwing myself at her mercy but decided against it as they'll just give me drugs, I don't want drugs, I want help, but I don't think you can get that on the NHS.