Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

oh gosh thank you you two I must get straight in my head what I want this to be and think about how to write it and who to sell it to

exciting!

Would love to be interviewed too Curry x

'Then you feel like a massive dork because you have allowed your brain and vocabulary to have been colonised by a website. ' Exactly! I find myself using these phrases and putting air bunnies round them. I mean actual "finger quotes". Pre-DC I would have had myself shot for less.

Can't believe (well, yes I can) that your therapist knew nothing of babies or motherhood. Not ideal.

I really thought that having had my "career" (there I go again) I would quite happily settle into motherhood, secure in myself and able to give myself over to the needs of my family. Was not prepared to be completely subsumed by the incessant demands, the lack of respect, lack of help, lack of understanding, lack of choice I faced. It could be the jump from 2 to 3 that's really done me in or perhaps I would have felt like this by now anyway.

This is a slippery subject to think about - the thoughts wriggle away before I can articulate them.

I've always been prone to bouts of feeling down and 'hollow' though never got diagnosed or treatment for anything. Since DS1 was born 5 years ago I went through a massive low for about 2 years after he was born. He was a very very difficult baby and my anxiety and depression was crippling. I doubted everything and questioned my maternal ability constantly. I compared him and myself a lot and felt like I failed him.

Things gradually got better as DS1 got easier and more interesting. By the age of 3 I remember looking at him and being so in love and for the first time in my life I felt truly happy on a level I didn't know was possible. I felt settled and stable.

.....Then we had DS2. He's 17 months and the last year and half has plunged me back into the depths of depression again. I worry constantly. I panic that DS1 will not feel as loved as before. I worry endlessly that I haven't bonded with DS2 as much as DS1. I feel sad and bored most of the time. I miss DS1. I feel low.

I did go to GP and get diagnosed with PND about a year ago. I got referred to counseling and started AD's. None of which seems to have helped much so far. Yesterday I didn't want to live anymore. I'd never leave DS1 but these are the fleeting thoughts that haunt me. I don't want to kill myself. I'd never ever do that to either of my children but there are times when I am just too bored of living to want to carry on. So yes, in short, it has definitely impacted upon my mental health.

I want to do better for them, I just don't know how.

Yes sometimes I get woken up at 5.30/6 on a weekend and think I just don't want to do this today. I just can't face doing this today. I want the day(preferably week off) and then I get up and do it anyway.

Even if I am away from them (at work etc, with GPs), I can't get away entirely because I'm still wondering what they are doing, eating, whether DD2 has napped etc. Being a parent is a bit like running your own business, it's not so easy to switch off.

Has anyone questioned life more since DCs? This is what depresses and confuses me. I get upset about the 'big questions' that I never did before and it's slowly driving me mad as there aren't any certainties. Is that depression? Or the anxiety/depression?

Oddbod poor you, that doesn't sound good. Can you go back to your GP and explain that you aren't feeling better? Have you had any CBT?

Curry you made me smile mentioning sunday school - my dh was working over the weekend and I find it very hard taking both the dc's to church on my own (ds1 4.5yo, dd2 7mo). But the lure of the sunday school and ds1 taken off my hands for an hour is a strong one! possibly stronger than the service That was a typo...

Lots of people have mentioned anxiety about lo's - I think that is natural to an extent for mums to feel irrational fear for our babies. Suddenly this tiny precious person arrives in the world and we are given sole responsibility for it - what if we drop it? break it? do something dreadful to it? When ds1 was born I used to get vivid images in my mind of terrible things that could happen to him - if I was pushing the buggy by a main road, I'd see a lorry hit the buggy and it go flying. Or walking down the stairs carrying him, I'd see myself dropping him or banging his head on the door frame. Apparently that's normal...

This is probably going to sound very cheesy and self-helpy (which I am usually totally not) but I'm currently reading a great book called The Chimp Paradox by Dr Steve Peters. I got it because I'm a GP and he was the guy who interviewed me for med school and let me in whoopsie and he was our head of Psychiatry and realy good and entertaining. It has really good and simple ways of helping you handle your emotions, anxieties and stress levels. I haven't shouted at ds1 today! Eek that's terrible that I clearly shout all the time... I have found it so hard lately not to get very stressed and impatient during the day and taking it out a bit on ds1. Kids are just so relentless! I'm on maternity leave and go back to work part time in September and, while I'm dreading it, I also think work will be a piece of cake compared with looking after small children all day. Parenting is the hardest job in the world! I've worked 120 hour weeks and I still mean that...

Well am just having a before bed which I have been driven to by my darling dc's to unwind. Good night all and wishing you all good sleeps (miracles happen!)

I am very late today this thread. I think my mental health has taken a hit since becoming a mother.

I feel like a failure. I am not a good mother. I barely keep my kids fed and clean and get them to school on time. I feed them crap and they watch too much TV and they're half feral.

Katy it is darn hard work keeping kids fed and clean and to school on time. Despite getting up at 6.30am today I only just managed to get ds1 to school on time, with much nagging to put on clothes and eat his toast. I did the school run unshowered, with no make-up on and not having drunk coffee - this is very bad! Usually there would have to be a fire to make me leave the house without mascara.

My ds1 also watches too much TV / disney dvd's / online computer games such as Numberjacks and Fireman Sam and City Lego (incidentally these are AWESOME way of entertaining small children for a bit!). Sometimes it is a toss up though between him not watching TV or me losing my rag because I haven't had a second to myself all day and am about to lose it. I think TV is preferable to meltdown-mum in that case. Try not to beat yourself up - parenting is hard. If you genuinely think it's all going wrong, it's never too late to turn it around.

I'm late to this thread too, but read it this morning and definitely rang a bell for me. I have just had a horrendous weekend - dh was working, and I found that I was willing the time with the dcs away, literally praying for it to be bedtime. On Saturday as soon as they were all down I had to clean up the kitchen after their tea, sort out washing, ironing etc, bring all the stuff in from the garden, I worked until 9.30pm then fell into bed. Got up three times in the night with bf baby and then started the day on Sunday with more of the same. I was on my knees sobbing with the children (I have four under 6) several times throughout the day. They don't listen. They fight. They hit each other. They shout at me (the older two). I've read 'How to talk so kids listen', 'raising boys', 'raising girls', been on positive parenting course (triple p) - have a bloody degree in Psychology and used to work with adults with learning disabilities and challenging behaviour ffs, so know all about reinforcing the positives.

I just find motherhood so utterly relentless. It has affected my self esteem immeasurably. I find being talked down to by toddlers day in day out makes me feel utterly rubbish. The feeling of not even being able to successfully get out of the door. You know, open the door and walk outside without someone having an utter meltdown?!! Every day is ground hog day - I have to race to get the washing done, and three meals a day for a family of six, it seems to dominate everything. If I don't get stuff done (and I'm talking about basics like getting food in, getting clothes washed, not 'icing on the cake' stuff like dusting skirting boards) I'll have too much to do the following day, because it just won't go away. There is too much for one person to cope with. People say, "Have a break" but how? Family support less that useless, if I do go out with friends in between bf baby then I have to come back and work over-time to deal with all the jobs that need doing. I'm not a single mother. Dh works hard, and works hard at home too - we've just got a lot to do.

I saw a counsellor when I was diagnosed with phd after my second, and she asked what I did to 're-energise'. Re-energise? Hobbies and interests have gone out of the window. I try - I get the sewing machine out and try to be creative, to achieve a small thing at the end of an otherwise monotonous day, but am so tired that I usually end up just falling in to bed. I don't spend enough time with dh. I don't enjoy my time with the dcs. I can't tell people in rl the full extent of my misery because people are almost allergic to it. They want you to say "I'm ok, doing fine" smiley face.

I told dh I was going to go to the doctors this week to see if there was a 'quick fix' that would help me get through each day without wanting to sink to my knees and scream with every shout of 'Mum!!!'. I've tried hiding in the bathroom. The best solution I've found is driving to the tip with the children all strapped in the car, because I get a few minutes of peace where they are all safe and listening to music, and there is no expectation that they are all going to get out and go crazy, driving me mad.

I think 7 years of interrupted sleep, spending best part of 7 years breastfeeding and being pregnant for best part of three years hasn't helped, but is it depression, is it anxiety? or is it just parenthood. So, I didn't go to the gp, and just vowed to try harder. I don't think it matters how many dc you have, there are phases and stages which are bone-numbingly draining and tiring, and you can only really understand when you are experiencing them yourselves. I don't know what kind of support/behaviour is helpful, but I know that once in a blue moon when some kind soul says to me that my children are lovely, and I'm doing a wonderful job I could sob with joy. There is so little positive reinforcement for us as parents - I certainly don't get anything positive from my own immediate family. I wish I could offer more help - but I do think I know what you are talking about. Good luck op.

happynappies, what an incredibly eloquent post.
How are you feeling today?

How is everyone else?

Toddler and baby asleep. Thank The Lord. All morning they've taken turns to need something from me their only provider.

I think I've finally worked out that the weird 'I'm going to go mad' feeling is just in fact stress as it subsides when DH gets home/the rare occasion others have DS.

The baby is easy. Although I love DS more than life I think I'm a bit allergic to him in that stress accompanies looking after him. He's your average toddler but I just don't seem to have the mental resilience to cope.

mummytobenji Thank you. I feel like I sholuld go back to the doctors but it's a bit like playing a broken record. I keep saying the same things but noone really hears me. There's nothing anyone can do for me it seems. I feel stressed and on edge all the time. There's nothing I can do but wait it out I think.I keep hoping once DS2 is older and more verbal, less whingy, less likely to go into meltdown everytime we step out the door.... I don't know.

I feel like I failed the baby bit spectacularly with DS1 and I wanted to somehow 'get it right' this time....but again I find myself feeling anxious and literally on my knees every time he cries. I can not handle it at all. I care for him, make sure he's fed and well. I appreciate how lucky I am to have 2 healthy beautiful boys. I adore DS1 and enjoy my time alone with him but DS2, whilst I do love him, I can't deny he has made me miserable and his constant demands bore me to tears. I also find myself snapping at DS1 everytime DS2 cries or needs something which is completely unfair and I always apologise but feel guilty constantly.

happynappies I do feel for you. It's just endless isn't it? Same with me really, is it depression??? Or just parenting??? I don't know. I had really only just begun to enjoy parenting before we got pregnant with DS2 and then of course it was like starting from scratch again. I feel like I could cry every time DH heads out the door for work. In my head I see myself every morning clinging to his neck and begging him to not leave me with the baby (I don't do it purely because he CAN'T stay with me and he needs his job and also because it would distress DS1 to see his derranged mother like that!) I find that although DS1 (now nearly 6 yrs old) still irritates me at times, it's nothing I can't deal with and nothing that drives me to the very edge. DS2 (17 months) I just am so so so bored with every day. I know that sounds horrible but I find the first 2- 3 years just so mind numbingly boring, yet I am on high alert all the time waiting for the next melt down. How old are your children now? Have you found there are any ages you find easier than others? Just wondering if maybe you could kind of look forward to the age you enjoy iyswim and know that one day it will get better??? I am currently on a countdown to DS2's 2nd birthday.... then I am looking forward to next summer when I turn 30 and hopefully my life will be back in some kind of order. At the moment I just feel like I'm drowning in the chaos and I still feel in a 'baby fog' which most of my friends seem to emerge from after a matter of weeks. I still feel like I'm floundering around even after a year and half! I am also drinking faaar too often in the evenings. Just as an attempt to relax and try and have some kind of 'adult' life when the boys are in bed. Like a lot of people on here, we have no family support what so ever. I have a few friends but all of which just come round and add to the stress and chaos. I feel like I can not make cups of team talk to people and entertain them in the way they seem to expect. I feel at breaking point as soon as anyone comes round because it's just one more person to 'look after'. Arrrgh.

Sorry, I am rambling and ranting but just needed to vent!

Oddbodd I feel very similar. The friends coming round thing strikes a chord. I make an effort to get to mother and toddler group (they fix everything don't you know?) but then I'm so fucking stressed while I'm there with DS hitting everyone I wonder why I bother. It's my own mind I need to escape I think.

I've struggled with the quandry of is it better to get out - e.g. to toddler groups etc, or is it better to stay at home? Everyone says you feel better if you go out, but I think if you do a quick cost/benefit analysis you will know yourself whether or not it is worthwhile. At times I feel better for being out, away from my own four walls, with some other people to chat to - a change of scene. Other times I think the battle to get out in between the school run and picking ds up from pre-school, the stress involved, just to chase around endlessly, fretting from one moment to the next, then dashing home... is it worth it? Friends coming round is a mixed blessing!! I do get the house tidier and more presentable in the hour before anyone comes around so feel a bit more positive, but often feel like I can never actually have a conversation with them because I'm so busy 'firefighting' and dealing with issues like not being able to share, not playing together, wanting x, y, z.

It is a bit like being in a glass box. You can see your friends through the glass, having a lovely time, chatting, enjoying themselves. But you are inside, unable to string a sentence together, unable to reach them. And making cups of tea, 'looking after' even more people, yes yes - totally exhausting.

I think when you are exhausted, and burnt-out with parenting, anything adds to your burden, even small things make you feel at your wits end.

My dc are 6, 4, 2 and 9 months, and on the one hand it is a lot easier now than when I had 5, 3, 1 and newborn, but on the other hand the older two get increasingly difficult to manage behaviour-wise, and that isn't really going to change. My youngest two are generally a pleasure to be with, but practically there is a lot of looking after (nappies, bf the youngest, closer supervision, naps etc, double buggy) but maybe the practical side of looking after them wears me out more than I realise leaving me shorter-tempered with the older two? I'm sure that when the baby is 1+ things will feel better, and maybe when my 4 year old ds starts school in September again things will be a bit better.

I think I've given up hoping for 'better' and just hope that a change is as good as a rest, and look forward to things being 'different' rather than better. Perhaps that is too pessimistic an approach, and perhaps I should be thinking more seriously about seeing my gp - not sure! My sister has just had her first baby and six weeks in she is struggling through the sleep-deprived fog as you do, wondering if she should stop bf because it may be detracting from the pleasure of parenting. I'm hopelessly negative at the moment because of my tiredness, and of course I love my dc and there have been lots of positives along the way, but honestly - pleasure of parenting? After 7 years lots of things detract from the pleasure of parenting in my experience, and they are not easily fixed. And then I have parents of teenagers telling me what I'm experiencing is nothing, wait 'til you get to the teenage years!!

Sorry, its all me me me - but it is really good to vent. So good that people understand, and know where I'm coming from!!

just read a bit more of this thread as I'm feeling a bit low today.

HappyNappies I grinned when you said 'have a bloody degree in Psychology'! But that is definitely part of why it is tough. All the jobs we do and things we study before becoming parents don't prepare us.

In fact I relate to everything you wrote - that is exactly how it is for me. Every single thing you've said. I wanted to slap the counsellor who asked me about what I do for myself. Well obviously, nothing! That is the fricking problem. And yes to having to work even harder to catch up if I do dare to go out for a few hours.

I actively dislike DS3 at times. He just makes life so unpleasant -shouting, running around, chucking stuff all over the place, making a mess with food / mud / paint etc. I don't have the energy to deal with him.

I also have a problem with friends who come over. I am in a dilemma - do I invite them and have to do all the work, or do I not see them? Everyone seems to want to come to my house. I love my friends, but I can't cope with 2 or 3 or 4 extra people to look after too.

Sorry that sounds so awful about DS3. He is a bright and cheerful little boy, chatty and funny and full of beans.

Just to everyone. YYYYYYYYY to kind older ladies who give you a knowing smile and say what lovely children you have or a pat on the arm when you have a screaming child in the trolley at the supermarket. I once cried all the way home after a lady stopped me in the street and said 'It may be fraught but it's such a lovely time and you're doing so well'. Never met her before or since, no idea what prompted her as we were just walking home, nobody was screaming at anybody.

I know it's a lovely, precious time I will look back on with fondness when I have 3 sulky teenagers, but knowing that just makes me feel guilty for not enjoying it more.

Our budget is really tight but I refuse to feel guilty about my cafe habit. I pay someone to make me a really nice coffee, bring cake my DC will crumble onto the floor and pour juice on, then I get to walk away and leave the mess. I am finding I do less and less tidying up before leaving cafes. But I get a small sense I am doing something for me.

Have really been thinking about a point upthread about the misogyny of medicating mothers - is that what's happening? Motherhood is that tough we need tablets to get through it? Have always been resistant to idea of ADs even when I've had them prescribed, but this point has made me wonder about the bigger picture. No conclusions, just ramblings.

LimeLeaf how old is your ds3? My ds is also my most difficult one - and everything you say resonates: shouting, running around, chucking stuff, making a mess. I do love him. I do. But he is hard hard work. Really hard work. I wonder to myself if he is ADHD or something, but his behaviour at pre-school is perfect. He just behaves like I don't know what at home... its so hard isn't it??

Hi Limeleaf

I know what you mean - when dp takes dcs away I feel immediately less tired, the very second they have gone out of the door, and I feel awful for it. I noticed it first when it was just dd1, before dd2 came along, and in theory I was going to rest and recuperate when they had gone, and having a few hours off was going to make me feel better. And I was shocked with guilt to realise that even before the couple of hours off, I felt immediately better the second that dd was gone. And the second she returned I felt exhausted.

Happynappies, I have a 14 year old dd and 3 year old ds and just wanted to say my dd is a breeze compared to my ds. Of course the teenage years are hard and have their own demands but teenagers are just not as relentless as toddlers. Well in my experience anyway. My son is a whirlwind of energy, he souts at me, dictates to me, has me in tears. I can talk, laugh and enjoy hearing about my dd's day. she leaves in the morning for school on her own, is out the house from 8am til 4:30pm, in her room or out with friends. she does her own thing most of the time (her choice). My toddler is with me all the time telling me I'm his best friend one minute, having a melt down because he can't have an ice-lolly at 8am, shouting he's done a poo, throwing toys at the cats, banging a thor hammer off the walls, throwing all the covers off all beds, tipping the dirty washing out.....the list goes on.

In my experience living with a teenager and toddler, the teenager is much easier so there is hope!! xx

Curryeater - I soooo identify with the immediate sense of relief!

It's like a vice being taken off your head.
I mean one of those medieval torture headband things.
I don't know why I thought of that, I don't think about torture a lot.

Is anyone else feeling the pressures of what they think they "should" be doing as a mum? Like playing games, baking fucking fairy cakes, reading educational stuff all damn day?

I am better now that I'm working, but I have a physical job and am exhausted at night. Throwing some chicken nuggets in the oven is sometimes all I can handle.

My husband is working up in Scotland, and I am doing it all alone, but at least I have my in laws to do a lot of babysitting while I'm working.

YES to all of you! katythecleaninglady I had to laugh at the baking fucking fairy cakes comment! Haha, yes exactly, I always feel guilty that I'm not talking to DS2 constantly or baking fucking fairy cakes with DS1!

And the immediate relief when they go to bed or out with DH is something I thought only happened to me! It's like at 3pm I am so tired and close to tears needing a nap, then DH comes home at 6pm and it's a little easier, by 7:30 when the boys are both asleep I feel recharged the second I'm away from their constant demands. To be honest DS1 isn't even hard work any more (usually anyway, obviously being 5 he still has his moments) but on the whole he is pretty reasonable and fairly easy to entertain...without the baby constantly grabbing, pinching, screaming at him .

This evening DS2 has just wandered around crying, everytime I've looked at him, talked to him, cuddled him, it's ended with him sobbing and screaming over fuck knows what. I am so exhausted by him. i actually said to DH tonight 'I hate him, I can't do this anymore.' The sad thing is that whilst I feel guilty for admitting it, it is the truth. I actively dislike him and his attitude towards everything and he's only 17 months old! He just makes everything so much damn hard work. Meal times are a nightmare as he doesn't seem to want to be in the high chair but won't eat anywhere else, just drops all his food on the floor then whinges and cries to get out. After school I took DS1 to get his feet measured at Clarks and to buy some new trainers for him, DS2 spent the entire time crying and sobbing because the pushchair had stopped moving for 2 sodding seconds. I am exhausted by him. Nothing pleases him and he is draining so much from our family that I don't know if my mental health will ever recover.