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Has parenting affected your mental health?

999 replies

NutsinMay · 26/05/2013 15:13

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Shitsinger · 08/06/2013 21:22

Awww curry sorry about your neck - its excruciating isn't it .Miserable every time you move , have you taken some NSAID -ibuprofen ?regular paracetamol 4 doses a day helps .
The school situation - is there chance of appeal? if not make the best of it and ignore her attempts to make you feel bad. Getting into the best school is not everything, being a supportive, interested parent is.

curryeater · 08/06/2013 22:04

Thanks shitsinger, I scored some ibuprofen at about 4pm so I am on the second dose and I think it is helping.
And about the school - we can't appeal (unless our new address will help but I think it will be too late and you can't do anything in anticipation of it being your actual residential address, and anywa it is still not that near) and honestly, I had made my peace with this and really shouldn't be letting other people fuck with my head.

Stripedmum · 08/06/2013 22:59

I have read the first page of this thread and plan to read the rest when I'm not as fucking exhausted.

I spend my days wondering if I have flipped, if my brain will ever work right again, if I'll ever be me again: in short my mental state is really, really not good and hasn't been since the birth of DS just over two years ago. It almost broke me. I'd never suffered mental health problems before and then all of a sudden WHAM neurotic fruit loop.

I've had DD since then so am now trying to cope with a newborn and a challenging toddler. I'd give my life for either of them and they are loved so much it frightens me but Jesus I feel totally screwed up. DH has annoyed me tonight so we're in foul moods with each other but truthfully if it wasn't for him I'd have gone under.

This cheers me up: m.youtube.com/watch?v=Z18vJwmxFFY

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

ohcluttergotme · 09/06/2013 07:23

Aw curry feel your pain. Last year I had a similar episode and was driving out of a junction and turned left but couldn't turn my neck properly and a car nearly cut me up, very very scary!
I had been really stressed at work and think this caused it. Went to Gp, was given various medication, signed off work & referred to physio. The meds that seem to work best are co-codamol and diclofenic. Also the physio felt that a lot of my back and neck problems were stress related so "all in my mind" so I was referred for 6 weeks counselling. All these things did help.
You have been under tremendous stress lately with feeling nearly homeless, rented house, fleas & finding new home plus children, schools, job, life so its no wonder this has happened.
I would suggest co-codamol you can buy over the counter and also try to take some time just for you. Some gentle swimming, a walk to clear your mind and to be kind to yourself.
I've since left job that was stressing me out but now so is my new job! Maybe it's just me?
I know that feeling that no matter what you do it feels the Gods are conspiring against you but there not.
I have a 14 year old dd and I can see how me being negative is making her the same so lately I've tried to teach her to be thankful for what we have. Such as we can go to the tap and pour a glass of water some children are dying because of lack of running water as things like this.
I'm trying to be more thankful for what I have. But the daily grind of looking after young children especially when you have mortgage worries, huge childcare costs is draining, stressful, exhausting.
Wishing everyone well today.

Stripedmum · 09/06/2013 12:00

Flowers for Shakey. Glad things are starting to look up. You're not alone.

Stripedmum · 09/06/2013 16:54

I am still reading this AMAZING thread as it's giving me so much hope that I not totally mentally deranged. Please can MNHQ turn this into a book?

Yes there are things you aren't told about bring a parent but even when people say 'ooh it's the sleepless nights,' it just sugar coats it. Like calling PND the baby blues - it's hell on earth is what it is, and quite common too. "Hey become a parent! Risk hell on earth!" I suppose that doesn't sound too good though does it?

Stripedmum · 09/06/2013 16:55

Disclaimer - PND is hell on earth I mean, not becoming a parent...although sometimes it can feel that way!

mummy2benji · 09/06/2013 19:41

Hello there. I too read the first page and the last and will go back and read through some of the other posts when I feel less exhausted and mentally deranged.

I had my moments of getting stressed and being impatient before becoming a mum but oh my life, having kids has magnified that tenfold. Or a hundredfold. I am sitting here having finally got the dc's to bed, munching on chocolate because I am at the end of my tether. Dd2 has a cold and has cried / screamed hysterically all day - dh is working all weekend and not home till 10.30pm ish so I have had to cope with dd2 and ds1 (4.5yo) all weekend by myself, including barely any sleep last night. How do mums with babies who just cry all day long cope????? I feel like I've lost my marbles after one day of constant crying. I have been so snappy and shouty with ds1, I feel so sad for him and ashamed, but felt unable to get a grip on myself and stay calm when dd2 kept screaming. Argh. Trying to tell myself he won't be damaged for life and there is still time to turn it around and not have him look back at his childhood and think his mother was a shouty witch. Sad

TheOldestCat · 09/06/2013 19:54

Hallo all

How are you all doing?

mummy2benji - you've had a hard weekend. Please don't be so tough on yourself - DS won't remember you as shouty; it is very very hard to keep patient when you've had the day you've had.

Enjoy the chocolate - you deserve it. please please be kind to yourself.

quickchat · 09/06/2013 20:27

Oh god yes. I had a very stressful upbringing where my dad was verbally abusive most of the time and sometimes violent. I was always on the edge that he might kill my mum or make her leave.

My brother was 5 years older and very mixed up. He hated me and was very jealous.

I luckily, met and married my lovely supportive DH and didn't realise I had any issues at all until I had children 13 years into the relationship.

I was very anxious after DS1 but it subsided after a year. I always doted on him and wasn't bothered about having a boy or a girl, just wanted a baby!

After DD though I was very ill with anxiety. I ended up with an under active thyroid so I don't know if the stress caused it or if the condition made me more anxious.
I found on one hand I was so glad to have this mother daughter relationship to look forward to and found I had a deeper relationship with her as I understand her more than I do my DS. But I found myself unreasonably anxious about things happening to her.

I worry endlessly about when she is out of my sight or when she grows up a bit and wants to go places on her own. I also worry about how her life will turn out. What if she marries and awful guy or emigrates or gets ill or worse Hmm. I used to convince myself that if I had another daughter i'd feel calmer but I didn't have the courage to go through it all again.

However, I then fell pregnant by accident with 3rd child. This sounds terrible but the thoughts going round my head were just awful/mad.
I NEEDED it to be a girl. I started thinking what would be the point in another boy? I have one and I love him dearly but everything about boys annoys the hell out of me and after all my hard work he will most probably never bloody visit me and marry someone who hates their MIL Grin.

I fantasised about my two little girls running around with long hair and summer dresses, playing nice fairy games - not bashing the hell out of things and irritating me to bits.

I imagined how much more relaxed I would be with 2 daughters. If one emigrates I have back up!!

Yes, it was another boy. He is now 9 months old and although I love him it has pushed my anxiety about my DD over the edge. I nearly died having him so im not going for #4. I certainly don't want to risk having 3 boys charging around the place! My chances of having a 2nd DD are now gone.

I have convinced myself im going to loose my DD somehow one day and it will destroy me. I realise this probably stems from my fear of loosing my mother as a child and the anxiety comes from there but nothing is easing the horrible fear I have and Im worried I will feel this with DD forever.

Ah, yip, im nuts!

Stripedmum · 09/06/2013 20:34

Mummy2benji - I'm usually close to totally losing my mind (not exaggerating) but when DCs are ill? Fucking hell. New level. Can you have a glass of wine too?

I really identify with the 'loss of self'. Funnily enough (actually it's not funny) but when I was in the depths of PND after DS I can remember looking in the mirror and not even knowing who I was.

This might get a bit too philosophical but I've now had a DD. Not planned and I was PETRIFIED that I would suffer in the same way. I never really stopped suffering though - crippling anxiety, panic attacks etc. I just got more used to it I think.

So when I had DD I was shocked that I wasn't automatically plunged back into the depths of despair. I had learned how to cope in the main part with this new 'self'.

I blamed my PND (anxiety based) on everything - hormones, diet, lack of sleep, breastfeeding, etc etc

Actually with a bit of perspective I think for me (and possibly others?) it's a loss of your old 'self'. I denied myself any time for 'me' and solely concentrated on DS, becoming quite the martyr. I went from über confident, life loving, career minded woman to an anxious shell of my former self.

I'm starting to piece things back together. Some say yoga, some say religion, some say herbs, some say work will 'fix' you. Actually I think it's all of those things for different people - whatever makes you feel like you again.

Don't deny yourself that. The phrase 'you time' is overused and a bit cringey. But don't do what I did and lose yourself totally. Remember who you are and integrate it into being a mum too.

Sorry if this has gone off track a bit by bringing PND into the picture but a few have talked about loss of identity so hope it strikes a chord with someone.

By the way I'm still not there but it gets better every day - and I have 2yo and 2mo!

NutsinMay1 · 09/06/2013 21:12

curryeater

I'm feeling good now as DC are in bed. We had a good day today. DD1 woke at 5.30 but I managed to get her to go back to sleep so I had a lie in till 7 (fantastic and very rare).I worked bloody hard in the morning to keep them busy and entertained. In the afternoon we had some child friends over with a couple of adults so more hands on deck helped.

Yesterday was awful. I was very tired and got up at 6 after staying up too late the night before. My DD1 repeatedly refused to listen to me and come home when I asked her to(she tried to run off down the street with me in pursuit carrying a heavy DD2 with no puschchair) and I got so exasperated I had a huge meltdown in public (not shouting but sobbing).

DP has said I shouldn't let the DC see me like that and I do worry I am scarring them for life but then I also think that sometimes children push and push and push until they see the boundary(whether that be a sanction or a reaction of some sort).And in fact when they know they have pushed you to your limit they do stop.

On a bad day it does feel as if you are being slowly tortured. It's as if they have to continually test you just to make sure you won't abandon them no matter what. It grinds you down and when you are vulnerable due to tiredness etc, the straw that breaks the camel's back is not far away.

Will they remember this when they are older- I can't remember what my childhood was like when I was 5. I do remember it from about 6 or 7. I'm hoping that if there are more good days than bad, they won't remember the slightly unhinged person I became at times during years 0-5 (I'm optomistic that the worst is surely behind me).

DogsAreEasierThanChildren · 09/06/2013 21:26

We've had a terrible day - whingey, clingy DS who now just will not go to sodding sleep. DH is trying to settle him now. His settling is getting worse and worse: before we moved it was 7.30 sleep time, we moved house last year and it slipped to 8.30, now it's more like 10. We have no adult time to have an uninterrupted conversation, ever. I would do CC in a heartbeat but DH won't, and we can't discuss how to tackle it because we have no time for adult conversation. I am so fucking sick of this.

peterpie · 09/06/2013 21:50

Hi all

shitsinger - I also hate being part of large crowds, although these days I find that´s quite rare. I would love to be more extrovert and happy around people, have people over etc as I think life is easier that way, but it causes me so much anxiety that I avoid it for the most part. I worry that it will affect my children in a negative way, or they will start to think as they get older that I am weird. One of my reasons for having 3 was that I am an only child and I think that has influenced my personality in such a way. Daft really as DH is one of three and is also an introvert Confused

And yes I know I should not go running every time and I have tried to lessen this lately and make them come to me, although with DS2 especially this isn´t working very well. curryeater hits the nail on the head, I think I do it as it avoids me having to hear more whining and/or to save me blowing up at them and then feel dreadful, vicious circle. Really need to work on this...

Thanks again NutsinMay for starting this superb thread, always helps to know you are not alone in this made parenting lark Smile

peterpie · 09/06/2013 21:52

Dogs sorry to hear about your evening, I miss adult conversation with DH so much...

curryeater · 10/06/2013 09:44

Hi all, hello peterpie, hello again Clutter. Did you go to mass yesterday? And how was your ds? did the old dears adore him again? I bet they did.

The day I was dreading came: I was asked to help out at Sunday School. I was selfishly hoping being in the choir got me off that hook as being some sort of contribution, but I knew in my heart that most people do more than one thing. I got out of it in the short term by reminding her I have a two year old who is sometimes with me and not of an age for sunday school. this is a big con because I often leave dd2 at home with dp and have a lovely child free service while dd1 is in sunday school. I am just battening on the kindness of those who do do sunday school and I should get a grip and contribute.

dogsareeasier - nothing worse than a child who will not sleep. I feel your pain on the dh resisting cc. I wonder if someone else could talk to him for you. I don't know who or quite what I mean by this - I sometimes used to think that dp would see my point of view better if he heard it from someone else - that might just be paranoia.

stripedmum - yy about loss of self. very weird, very strange.

I slept well two nights in a row while dp was on the sofa. he is not happy with me this morning. ok I know it's his bed too but goddammit the difference a night's sleep makes is absolutely insane, is so extreme, I can't believe I have somehow organised a life for myself where it is considered a luxury I have to feel guilty about.

Someone above mentioned the book "Life after Birth" I think, though I couldn't find out who when I just searched for it. one of my friends read it when our babies were tiny and I meant to but never got around to it. So I bought it on kindle and it is ok but she is not like the world's greatest writer or anything, but it is great to see a lot of stuff written down, a lot of the stuff we are saying on here, and acknowledged.

I think she is afraid that she is falling into the trap of just being negative about all the awful things you can feel so she attempts to leaven it with positive suggestions about what you can do. Which can be very annoying as they are just hollow suggestions for many people - noting the outcome you desperately need with no actual practical nuts and bolts of how to get there - the equivalent of sitting down with a starving person and doing a head tilt and saying, "I think, sweetie, you are going to have to get yourself some food from somewhere, hm?"

I think this habit comes from an unwillingness to acknowledge how all the things that could help are completely dependent on other people's good will, or having the money to pay them, which are outside the grasp of many. The latest gems I read this morning on the train were "build back in something selfish and indulgent for you a few times a week" (if I had read that when either of my babies were under 6 months I would have wept, and had an imaginary hysterical conversation with her where I shrieked HOW? HOW? WHEN? HOW?) and "play to your strengths. If you like stickers and colouring but don't like playgrounds, avoid playgrounds, or let someone else take them there." Seriously? When you have an incredibly physical two year old child trying to climb the bookcases you are supposed to say, "no, I don't do playgrounds. Do some colouring instead."

I know I am lucky in that I don't have incredibly physical children and I can play to my strengths, which are things like books and lego and imaginative play; and also in that I have my job and while I am at work someone else can stand in for me, and be not-me, and do the things I don't want to do. This is pure luck.

Mothers should strike (of course we can't because we would never risk neglecting our children) - but we are asking, asking, asking, or not daring to ask, for what we need. Other workers only got their rights by taking them by force.

Have a good day, all you heros.

curryeater · 10/06/2013 09:46

Oh right, about mn making this into a book: while they do have copyright, it is not exclusive, and I think I could write a really good book if I were to interview you lot (on the phone or by email or in person) and if anyone wants to take part in such a project please pm me (see how bumptious I get when I have had more than 3 hours' sleep and a few days off the sauce)

AlwaysWashing · 10/06/2013 09:56

mummy2benji I don't have to write anything cos you've just described my life too - other than mine have the squits not a cold.

My 2 DS are amazing and beautiful and I would DIE for them in a second but my god.....the sleep deprivation, the noise, the constant, constant relentlessness of not being able to think straight or finish a conversation.....
I have days when I feel like the shittest Mother in the world, know that they would be better off without me, that I don't deserve them then I get a decent nights sleep and I know all of it is tosh.

It is such a privilege to have these beautiful little people to nurture and cherish but the responsibility is so massive, some days running away up a mountain seems the only option - which is what I used to do pre DH & DC

Stay strong everyone x

mummy2benji · 10/06/2013 10:30

Hugs to everyone! Thanks for the nice responses and hope you are all doing okay today. Was going to write a proper post but I can hear dd2 waking up Hmm so my little break is at an end! Will write later. Hope you can all manage a Brew and to keep sanity intact today. That is my goal for the day! Not to shout... It's gonna be a challenge! Hmm x

curryeater · 10/06/2013 10:57

Hi mummy2benji, good luck and have a good day

nutsinmay, I meant to say that I worry too about how often my children see me crying - especially that they want to comfort me which I think is bad for them and too much responsibility. Now they are a bit older I try to rationalise it and make it not seem scary by telling them it is ok and simple not-the-end-of-the-world, but truthful, explanation of why I am crying (so "I am tired and cross because I have a sore neck" instead of a complete lie or "oh god oh god will I ever be well again I could just lie down and die"). I know it is not ideal but I think that talking to them and giving them some non scary context helps. BUT if DP said "you shouldn't cry in front of them" or "you shouldn't cry" I would say, "ok what are you going to to do help to stop this happening?" Ok that is what I would say in theory. maybe not in practice.

quickchat, I found your story very interesting and heart rending. I wonder if talking to someone irl would put your fears about your dd in context. Sounds very hard. I think you have a lot to deal with from your deep past and maybe a professional of some sort might help you balance it all out. Just a thought though: in Ireland it is a sort of accepted fact that sons are closer to their mothers than daughters, kind of the opposite of here. Some of these expectations are cultural and you could have two lovely big grown up sons loving you and being close to you your whole life. Just a thought, don't mean to be annoying or minimise what you are feeling.

Sorry about all this rambling on, I know I keep posting these outrageously long posts but there is so much to reply to in what everyone is saying

NutsinMay1 · 10/06/2013 12:25

curryeater- Yes I normally do say I'm just feeling very tired to day and people get sad when they are tired. To which they often say "Why does Daddy never get sad?" To which I say some people keep it all inside.

Sometimes I do feel I am the tantrumming child (I apparently never tantrummed as a child so must be all coming out now) and I know I should be the adult. When I cry, my youngest always bursts into tears and tries to comfort me which is very sweet but does make me feel guilty. It makes me feel so much better afterwards but must make them feel very scared.

Lastyearsmodel · 10/06/2013 14:27

Hello, who? Fellow sufferers? Comrades? Lovely Laydeez? Not suggesting we/you need a name but I felt a formal greeting was called for.

I really appreciate everyone continuing to post their thoughts and experiences. I haven't managed to get free time, inclination and ordered thoughts together simultaneously until now.

Introverts - I cannot believe I didn't know I was an introvert until recently. I did a free personal development course at our children's centre because there was a free creche and I got to drink hot, actual hot tea for two hours straight. And we did stuff about not defining yourself through your roles (mother, daughter, colleague, wife, etc) but rather than who you actually are - your values, beliefs, principles, etc.

And personality types - a bit like Myers Briggs but not as in-depth. I came out as a screaming introvert and it's been such a relief to know that's why I like spending time alone (in fact, I have to - that's why small children are so hard for me) and that just because I've developed coping mechanisms over the years around talking to groups of people, doesn't mean I enjoy it or that there isn't a cost to me (ie I need time alone afterwards). I do avoid people but I'm not shy. I just like my few good friends.

I've been very depressed lately, a sort of downward spiral of decreasing confidence, increasing demands from my 3 DCs, lack of effort and understanding from DP. But I've been seeing a counsellor and am finding out that my lack of self esteem is at the root of most things, and that it comes from what my Mum felt about herself (I've done as she did, not as she said) and being taught to squash down my emotions (using eating as a coping mechanism instead) and put everyone else's feelings before mine. Which means I haven't been saying what I feel, or thinking it was important, or saying what i wanted. Have also been incredibly conscious that this is not the example I intended to set for my DCs (more guilt).

So, the counselling has been invaluable - apparently I just need to identify my emotions, act on them if needed, and my brain processes them and they pass. Have had a couple of HUGE conversations with DP where I've brought up hurts from the past (been together many years before DC) and expressed my feelings, cried A RIVER and... well, early days, but I'm getting some clarity on what I feel. We still need to do couples counselling too.

Curry - yes, I'd be interviewed for a book if you need me.

One more general thought from the 'What Mothers Do' book which raises the question of why does so much of what we do not have a name? No word to describe your state of constant interruptability? The irritation of waking up early even when your child sleeps through because you're so damn used to a 2am and 4am wails? Are there no words because what we do isn't valued enough?

Stripedmum · 10/06/2013 15:02

I'll be interviewed

Stripedmum · 10/06/2013 15:03

Let's lift the lid Grin

curryeater · 10/06/2013 15:06

hi Lastyearsmodel,

Glad to hear you are getting some help and getting some solutions.

"why does so much of what we do not have a name?" - this is why mn is full of jargon like "velcro baby" et al. and and you take it up, because it fills a gap, because there are not "mainstream" terms for things. Then you feel like a massive dork because you have allowed your brain and vocabulary to have been colonised by a website. But it's just professional lingo, innit - all professions have it.

When I had a version of cbt when dd2 was tiny I was furious with the practitioner for not knowing anything about babies or motherhood. Not just my experience - I mean the whole thing. I was referred by a peri-natal team, yet found myself having to explain to someone that tiny breastfed babies can't be left with babysitters willy nilly, and they wake you up quite often in the night. It enraged me, partly because I was used to mn and had started to think EVERYONE KNOWS THIS