Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

"as well so" not "weldodo"!

Clockers just wanted to give you a virtual hug. You must be exhausted, no wonder you were in tears on Friday.
I have a 3.8 year old son and can sympathise with the constant melt downs, tantrums, whining & just general relentlessness of it all! And then....you have 2 little babies too, you poor thing. Do you have any help at all? Can your dh have them for a few hours at the weekend. 1. To experience your day & 2. To give you some much needed you time x

Thank you ohclutter - no help really in the week - the grandparents are about 40 mins away and they do sometimes take dd out for the day/overnight.
dh is an absolute star and very hands on at the weekend but it does tend to be a team effort rather than him going it alone - I'm know he would give me any time I asked for though so maybe I should take myself off for a half day out or something! I bf the twins so I have been a bit tied to them but now they are on solids I am dropping a few feeds and moving them on to formula s I do have some larger windows now where I could escape.
I am feeling a lot more positive today - they are beautiful boys who we very nearly lost due to twin to twin transfusion and my dd has had a lot to compete with in the last few months. If I have a crap night tonight though I may feel differently in the morning of course!

Hi Clockers, hi clutter, hi everyone else.

Clockers, great to hear about the freedom from the end of ebf - I remember it well, but with twins it must be a whole bigger world of pain - you must grab that freedom and get a real break. Often on here I see people advised to run out of the house and take 3 hours shopping or something, but when I was in that state I wanted to kick them out of the house, not pound the streets. Maybe that comes later. Do you think you could negotiate something regular that you could forward to and use as a mental anchor while the insanity is whirling around you?

How are things this week, ledkr?

We slept well last night - the relief is immense. Everyone is getting over this vile cold finally.

Have a good day all x

A resounding YES! The main two probs I would say are worry and anxiety it's pretty constant over one thing or another. There's the constant day to day issues not to mention the outside world and how they will handle everything that life throws at them?

I understand why my mum looked so stressed all the time since having my DCs!

Well done OP this is a good thread.

Clockers, you really need a break! Could your dd go to a creche 2 or three mornings a week? It will do you and her a world of good.

I hear you all and many of you are me!

I have a PFB who I really love being his Mum but.....

DH being made redundant meant I had to return to work full time. He has work now but not permanent so I daren't cut my hours. I would be a liar if I said I didn't feel resentful.

DH is just like many of you describe. He can do things but needs my involvement. He will do the laundry but I have to sort into colour piles. He will go grocery shopping but I have to add stuff to the list and he insists on my looking at what he has bought. He will do all sorts of other things but either wants me to make a decision about it or needs reminding and as I don't have the mental capacity anymore to remember and remind him, it's easier to just do it myself so that at least it's another thing I can scratch off the list.

I have a hobby job that I have no time and mental capacity for, but it's the only thing that feeds my soul. Continuing with it exhausts me but i fear the alternative is far worse as I feel there will be nothing left of the true me.

I feel like I do a half-arsed job of everything and it makes me feel shit about myself.

I had a spell on anti-depressants but I don't think I was depressed. Just exhausted, and the kind of exhaustion that a week of early nights is not going to solve.

My DS arrived 7 years after we started trying, 3 IVFs and eventually adoption. I am so very grateful for him as I am glad I have not missed that love for a child that I never knew existed. He didn't have the best start in life so the anxiety I feel about trying to fix it and in the process, making sure I don't screw him up further paralyses me sometimes.

I feel like I am giving everything I've got and there's nothing in reserve.

Some days i feel like I am being sucked dry and that I will never feel normal again.

Hope things are looking up for you all.

Flossy - you will feel normal again. Just a new normal I think.

How old is DS? I was full time and exhausted when DD was small (from 6 months) - but I found things improved once she was three (but then we had DS, which is a whole other story).

Flossy it sounds like you have 2 kids, albeit an older, more helpful one in your husband. Can you talk to him? Make him see that he needs to be a parent, an adult, take half the mental strain? I'm sure you've tried. Your life sounds knackering at the moment.

Hi everyone, I found this thread tonight whilst sitting feeling enormously guilty for telling my 3 yr 10 month ds to eat his tea through gritted teeth ! I turned into a monster, I feel bad.
I asked my dp to put him to bed tonight, and read the story, a first, as my ds always insists I do it.
He has winged and moaned for weeks and we are generally calm parents ( have 16 yo ds, 14 ds and 11 to Dsd) but this little surprise of ours stretches me to the limit.
I have decided on putting him to bed an hour later, to avoid the constant wake ups at 4 in the morning wanting to be up, me not being able to get back to sleep, and trying not to be cranky during day. This is yet another phase I'm sure, but ' hi my name is 2sugars and I'm on AD's ' hugs to you all x

Hi twosugars x sorry this is so hard for you at the moment

do all the big kids live with you too?

I hope you are tucked up in bed safely now and maybe we can talk tomorrow

big hugs to everyone else. Anyone up?

Having my ds has destroyed my mental health and almost killed me. I had crippling pnd following a horrendous labour, Caesarean section and a vaginal wall tear that needed sutures (caused by the doctor being excessively rough during a vaginal examination). Although I love my ds dearly, the last 3 years have been a dreadful blur of depression, antidepressants and anguish.

Recently I began having suicidal thoughts and started self harming. Thankfully, I have been back to my gp, changed my medication and finally feel alive for the first time since he was born.

He will be an only child.

Glad you feel much better shaky.
Curry... Yes all 4 children here.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I have barley had a big enough attention span, as 3 yo takes it all, they are great though, I think they share bliss of peacefulness with us once he is in bed
My 16 and 14 yo ds's were once 2 and 4... I'm still here to tell the tales
Well here we are this morning, having breakfast, he slept all through, after dp putting him to bed, story, bath, everything, for the first time !
I just had to take a step back last night, to give myself a break, and it paid off.
I will do it more often

Hi 2sugars, I can totally emphasise with your situation. I have a 3.8 year old ds who completely rules this house. I have a 14 year old dd & I think she goes out to get away from him. He is a nightmare. He is utterly gorgeous (think cherub on old stamps) but really a devil in disguise. I am completely exhausted by him and he wakes at the crack of dawn and his demands start and he doesn't stop until he goes to bed at night. If I put him to bed late he still wakes early but is just really grumpy and more whiny!
I feel sorry on my dd as all my attention is always with ds .
On Monday night we had 2 very tall police officers turn up at the door because apparently my dd had accidentally dialled 999 and so they came to check everything was ok. I said to ds they are here to make sure you are being a good boy and the police man said that's right little boy you need to be good for your mummy and daddy!
Ha this is now great, if he starts to play up or refuses to eat, put clothes on, get ready for bed I have been saying "do you want me to phone the police and let them know you are being a naughty boy?"
For now its working and he's behaving! Not sure how long I'll be able to pull it off for though!!
Hope everyone has a good day with their little darlings today xx

at ohclutter how handy was that !
Yes hope everyone has a good day.
I have promised new stickers today, only to be used on his chart, for not winging, being kind, and doing as he's told.
It worked last time, for the constant waking in the night for me to pick up his hanky, teddy etc.
There are no sweet treats today until I think he deserves them. This needs nipped in the bud, I feel at fault as I
Put him to bed too early, start bathing at 6.30, only for my own selfish reasons, to finally get some peace and quiet, it's no wonder he has been waking at 4 or 5 any whingy.
He is my little mate, who has been Molly coddled and wrapped in cotton wool by me.
Today is the start of me being firm and fair.
I'll be back tonight to update, and see how everyone ekse's day went.... Deep breaths everyone x

Hello new friends, sorry to hear you're up against it, you're not alone on here x

This thread is fabulous and I am so glad I came across it today.

I have 2 DS 4 and 6 and DD 6 months. Not sure why but this last month has been horrendous. Yes, I have had bad days/weeks before but this is different, I am feeling so much anger and resentment towards them. I just want to go to the toilet by myself, to not hear MUUUUUUUM screeched a zillion times if I don´t go running within a nano second, to get in the car and not have to remember anything, or fit others seat belts you know, just DRIVE.
The monotony, the boredom, the relentlessness is driving me insane. DS2 is going through yet another whinging stage and the tiniset little thing (think a splash of water on his top whilst washing his hands) will send him bonkers.

I have had mental health issues in the past and they have definitely worsened since I became a Mum. The anxiety, inability to switch off, the responsibility for years to come, the fear that I am not doing a good enough job is so overwhelming. WORRY, WORRY, WORRY and all the what ifs....

Oh and I am brain dead, can´t even follow a TV drama these days and my memory is useless now

I have often wondered if people like me who are naturally shy and introverted, and to be honest, something of a loner don´t make the best parents. Sorry if this seems a huge generalisation and I am not saying this to offend anyone. What I mean is, because I enjoy my own company so much and don´t mind being on my own, this seems to go directly against having small children who are noisy and demanding and want to be with you ALL the time.

Having children has also brought up lots of difficulties I have had with my own parents, my mother in particular. How they left me to my own devices, never encouraged me, never told me I was worth anything, concentrated on my weaknesses instead of my strengths etc Their inadequacies and downright lazy parenting is probably causing me more problems now then it did when I was growing up. I look at my own children and want to weep for my own childhood, then the other half is terrified I will turn into my mother and do the same to them.

God, it is so hard.

Hello Peterpie, hello everyone.

Sorry you are struggling. I totally get your Catch-22: sometimes I feel that I want everyone to go away and leave me alone, but I worry that perhaps one of the things that makes LYFE so difficult and stressful and people such hard work for me is that my mother always wanted me to go away and leave her alone... and so I am doing it all again to them AAAAAAARGH

Honestly, I am a raging introvert (in the Myers Briggs sense - I started a thread about this once) and I think that although some of what we are in terms of very strong tendencies can be innate, I also think that I am wary of and exhausted by people because I do not expect, have not been conditioned to expect, that they will meet my needs or be considerate towards them. And I think that is partly to do with being a middle child of very busy parents with a very bossy older sister. So I try and try and try to "be there" for my children....

Last night was a minor disaster. DP was out and had asked his mother to cover the hour or so gap between him having to leave and me coming home. Usually by the time I get home he has already got them in the bath, but we can't ask his not-super-fit mum to do that. The girls were thrilled to see her and playing in the garden while she watched them, but the whole thing was just too late. I felt I should socialise a little with MIL as she had done us a favour and is always making slightly loaded comments about not seeing us (meaning dds) enough. I really just wanted to come in the door, drop bags, run a bath and herd them into it, but felt this would be rude. So dd1 (especially, dd2 is more resilient as she naps) was exhausted and putting herself to sleep on the sofa by the time MIL finally toddled off. She was covered in grass stains and grubby all over and I couldn't not bathe her. So there was a melt down. Real proper screaming and hysteria. I got dd2 bathed and pyjamaed but she started creating when I was trying to look after dd1. When everyone was finally all clean and cuddled up in my bed for their story (the usual habit as we all fit), I was so relieved and enjoying their calmer company so much, that I'm afraid I read to them far too long. I was exhausted myself and inertia took over. So they went to bed far too late and this morning it was back to square 1 with the overtired screaming. dd1 just wants to hang out here with me and is pretending to be ill and I felt like the biggest cruellest evillest wicked fairy tale evil witch kicking her out the door. I know it is my fault because everything slid out of control and was too late last night. but I don't want to be that super efficient mother that gets everything right but never spends any time with them.

Was it the INTJ thread curry? I remember as I identified with it, as with this thread. Would be interesting to know if there is definitely a personality/parenting correlation. But what can be done? CBT along with antenatal classes?

I am so fucked off that I got educated with two degrees, had 10yrs of a decent career then when I wanted to have kids there was no usable mechanism of being able to return to work, ie affordable flexible childcare in a suitable location, assured flexi/part-time job options, guaranteed breaks for expressing/bf-ing the child. It is illogical & the country is losing millions as well as the mental health of mothers going down the pan (altho I realise not feeling able to work is not part of the problem for some). Why doesn't every workplace have associated childcare options as part of employing a women of childbearing age? Is it OTT to think it's almost a form of discrimination?

Hello came back to this thread - apologies, I got upset due to personal experience.

peterpie and curry I can really relate to the thought that introverted parents find it harder. I am so happy alone and cant bear to be in big crowds at all. I had a friend who adored it when the neighbours DC would all pile in her her house and scream . OMG it was hell for me I literally cant bear to be surrounded by so many people and I often felt that I couldn't bear the clinging/touching all the time of small children.

I should add that peterpie there is no reason why you have to respond the minute your DC call and in fact I refused to respond if my DC shouted or whined - they knew they had to come and speak to me . They wont go through life with people jumping when they demand it and so I think insisting on politeness is doing them a favour longterm

curry it was circumstances not your fault .

Have been away for a bit because I had a problem with my username hence NutsinMay1.

I am pretty ruthless when it comes to bedtimes as if I've been up since 6, I'm just desperate to get them off to bed by 7 (though DD2 resists until 8 if she's had a nap) so I can start to recuperate(have an uninterupted cuppa/something to eat/do the online shop/ wash my hair before the inevitable broken night ahead.

But I understand it's harder to do this if you've just walked in through the door and haven't seen much of them in the day.

The benefit of my half days at work means I do get some time with them in the afternnon(though they are not usually at their best then).

Hi all - hope your weekends are going ok. Thank you for your support - timetoask - dd is in preschool 15 hours a week which does help. It has been a very tough week - the twins have had colds so have been up several times a night.
However my lovely dh has sent me and my breastpump off to a spa hotel for the night! Dd is at her grandparents for the night getting spoilt rotten and dh is getting some time with the twins (dd is very much.a daddy's girl so he spends more time with her usually)
So everyone wins! I havent slept all night since October so can't wait for tonight and so far the solitude has been wonderful. I am already feeling so much better and having lots of warm fluffy thoughts about my children!

Wow clockers that's sounds just heaven! Enjoy the peace and relaxation x

Clockers, I hope you get a wonderful rest tonight. Enjoy it x

Hi nutsinmay. How are you feeling? I am usually take-no-prisoners about bedtimes but I couldn't ignore MIL and couldn't get rid of her either and was feeling guilty about being annoyed about this when she had come over to do us a favour. (I have this at work too - extreme impatience with the inordinately long period between it being established that the meeting is over and the people are going, and them bloody well going. I hate it especially when I am knackered and I have got up to strengthen the hint that they should go, and they don't, and I can't sit down again in case they stay even longer)

hi idlevice, yes that was me, the INTJ one.

shitsinger, damn right, you should not jump to it ... it's hard to discipline yourself sometimes not to, because you are finding the noise of whining excructiating and your exhausted impulse is to do the thing that stops it... is that what is happening peterpie?

I have wry neck and it is hurting like a bastard and has been all day. Went out looking like a massive dork wearing the weirdest collection of clothes and a scarf tied a hundred times tightly around the neck to try and keep it still, and dd1 in the pushchair even though she is 4 and I usually prefer her to walk, because a. couldn't be arsed with the whining while in pain myself b. certainly can't do piggy backs today in emergencies c. it is genuinely quite far into town for her on foot and I thought I was not safe to drive while I can't look sideways suddenly, or at all in one direction. Bumped into an acquaintance whose younger child was striding about like an Enid Blyton character. I was feeling like an almighty dork in my stupid clothes. Then she went on to ask what I was doing about dd1 not having got into the school we wanted, where her children go. Erm, nothing, what can I do, she has a place at an ok school, what else can I do but keep her on "continuing interest". I feel like shit about the whole conversation especially the implication that I can't just be accepting this school place. Why not? how not? What should I be doing? What don't I get, that proper, effective mothers get?

Really fucked off about this neck thing. Trying so hard to pull myself together. got my asthma medication (another fucking battle that reduced me to embarrassing tears, did I come on here to whine about that?), staying off the booze, trying to eat right... but now this, it is as if whatever I will do I will feel shit. The pain runs right through my body and makes it really hard for me to do even tiny things. dp is fucked off with me and thinks I am a whiny prima donna.

On the upside the vile cold that laid us all very low has almost completely left my dds and they are both cheerful and fun and adorable and I am so happy to have their playful selves back.

hope you are all having an alright weekend.

ledkr, are you still there?

jollyhappy how are you?

springymater?

everyone?