Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Well I too have survived another day.

I've been reflecting on just how awful pregnancy has been for my health - I am another that got pregnancy induced asthma like Curreyeater - that with 2 x 3rd degree tears, massive weight swings of 4 stone up and down, incredible non stop morning sickness and ongoing sleep deprivation.

I've been trying to make changes -

1 - On Friday evening DH worked very late - I knew I was not going to make it to dinner time sane so I kept the children out late and found a busker band to watch which was lovely.

2 - I have just exercised today which makes it the third time since I started following this thread.

3 - I have also insisted my DH help out more.

So far it has been a disaster in some areas but better in others, on the disaster side - my toddler is still up - because I am refusing to put him to bed - but this means that now no one reads to him as DH just can't get it together to read to him and I am leaving it to DH. Total nightmare but I am not doing it all anymore.

Also I stayed in bed today until 12.30pm - mainly bfing and reading but it meant that DH just had to do housework and look after the toddler.

I made sure I did no housework weds to today. It has meant that we have bought lots of take out food so it is costing way way too much but I decided I just can't go on.

All in all I don't think I am coping, but hey it is a start.

Hi there,

I've been lurking and every time I come back the threads moved on so posting now and will then go and catch up !

3 DC, DD1 11, 8 yrs. of secondary infertility and then DD2 3 came along 21 months later and DS1 16 months is born.
With DD1 I was one of those smug parents, she was a nightmare sleeper and we had huge bother BFing BUT she was an angel child I didn't even know I had her. DD2 amazing baby took to BFing like a duck to water, happy contented and even now despite some odd tantrums/meltdowns is a very good girl.
DS1 screamed for 7 weeks, couldn't put him down. Turns out he is lactose intolerant so that sorted and he's better as such. things go ok for a while and then he starts walking at 9 months ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

DS beats the crap out of DD2, he's very strong willed and will not do anything he doesn't want to. He is mummified to the extreme, will NOT go anywhere without me, hasn't stayed with anyone over night as the time we tried he screamed blue murder for 2 hrs for my Dsis and stopped as soon as I went to get him (we thought he was poorly).

My life is currently just madness I feel like my head will explode several times a day. It doesn't help that I have alittle OCD where the housework is concerned and have to do it everyday (I don't make my life any easier) but I cannot relax if I don't do it.

I always worked but am now SAHM I thought I would love it but I just don't, it's mind numbingly boring. Plus DH thinks because he works and I don't I do everything in the house, he does help with kids a little but i do most things and spend my time with that anger under the surface.

Yesterday was good, we stayed and in laws the night before and DD2 stayed on overnight last night. I cannot believe how much easier it is with just DD1 and just one other, it's the 2 younger ones together that are a nitemare as DD1 spends most of we time in her room.

I feel terribly guilty as I spent 8 yrs TTC and wanting this and now I cent cope with it.
Yes it has affected my MH I think I'm going just a tiny bit mad every day, oh who am I kidding a lot mad every day .

I also gave up smoking 5 months ago (stopped through pregnancies but started again) we just couldn't afford it any more, I've also been on a diet, get fit thing because I didn't want to put on weight through not smoking and have so fat lost 15lb. I feel like I don't have anything I enjoying I need a hobby and ideas would be welcome please.

Hi didn't mean to cause upset with cutting and pasting blog of Fathers experiences. Sorry if this upset people.
I read it and thought it was a brilliant, honest account.
Life with small children is bloody hard.
I have a teenager and a toddler and sometimes feel pushed and pulled from morning til night. I think reading this thread has helped me to stay sane and know I am not alone.
Wishing everyone well today x

Woke up (ha! Was woken up of course, by baby) this morning feeling so angry. Another disappointing weekend, dh ill - genuinely run down ill, still carrying on, he does half around here, but being a bit down about it. Groundhog days of trying to manage a too-small home and too much stuff. Realisation hit me like a train last night that the baby is going to create more mess/work as time goes on, not less. 4yo v neat wrt clothes & food but likes his toys spread out. We don't want longer commutes for more space so I have to do something. Chuck out stuff. Another thing I have to do. Along with not suppressing my anger as that's unhealthy, and not directing it at husband/kids because that would be unfair and upsetting.

ohclutter Pm'd you

Ohclutter, you're right, it was a brilliant and honest account.. Think some of us are feeling a little raw/sensitive due to the nature of what we're confessing on here.

Well am currently in A & E. feel like an epic failure as a mother will post more later but just want to sit in corner and cry x

Ray I'm sure you're not an epic failure! And a huge well done on your weight loss too - that takes will power and determination.

Failure is not taking them to A&E when they get hurt, not the giving them the freedom to get hurt in the first place.

Firstly, to Ray from a total internet stranger for your a&e experience. The children's waiting area is full of varying degrees of guilt, warranted or not, and I have been there a lot.

Secondly, I have at last read the whole thread (took me 5 days) and want to express messy, snot-soaked, puffy-eyed gratitude to you bunch of articulate, clever, kind women who are putting words to this THING, this STATE we are going through into words.

Thanks to Nuts for starting it off and Curry, your rage written down is a gift.

Thanks for the support guys, well it goes like this ........ We decide to go for breakfast this morning, DD2 is with grandma so just DH, me DD1 and DS1.
Have a nice breakfast although DS was being a pickle as we were in a booth so he was climbing around and we are trying to get him to sit still even for 5 seconds. It was not to be, what was to be however was him slipping, hitting his chin on the table very hard and blood going everywhere. I have never seen so much in my life (other then labour ), he starts choking because he cannot get it out of his mouth quick enough and all I'm thinking is ' OMFG my sons going to die' slightly over reacted in hind sight but honestly there was just s much bloody. Ambulance called because he also has a cold so it really looked like he couldn't breathe/was choking and started throwing up everywhere. The ambulance arrived and checked him over as much as they could on the basis of him being hysterical and said he needs to be checked at hospital but he should be fine.
Down to A & E we go, at first they were thinking stitches as it is rather a large cut but as he was so hysterical would need to put him under. They decided to give it an hr check and see how is was and go from there. The bleeding stopped, lip started to heal and no stitches or general required thank goddess for that.

We are now home and I am lying down in bed, I never lay down in the day but I do suffer with IBS and another stomach condition which cause awful pain and they are brought on by stress. They are flared up and I am in agony so DH was quite happy for me to lay down for bit. I want to cry, proper hysterical crying but holding it together by the skin of my teeth.
In the 11 yrs I have been parenting I have visited A & E 3 times and all for DS, he is only 15 months FGS, I really am going to need to get used to having a boy because my boy just seems to like to hurt himself all the time.

I am so tired, DS (co-sleeper) did not sleep well last night, along with massive adrenaline rush and crash has made me so very very tired.

Thank you to the OP for starting this thread. I think its important that more people discussed this and were honest about parenting.

As someone who doesn't have any DC's and so cannot comment on this front, I just have a question for you all...

Given your time again, and what you know now about parenting/weighing up the pro's and con's, would you choose to have children again?

(I dont believe he answer says anything on how much you love your DC's etc I do not doubt that at all, just thinking about it objectively. Maybe you'd wish to namechange to answer).

I am just very very curious, at a point in my life whereby in the next three years I will be making the decision regarding whether to have a family or remain childfree, and when I have asked previously I felt I didnt really get an honest answer

Well, my children have reached new levels of bad behaviour. Even the regular supermarket staff are giving me sympathy now. One of the ladies just gave me a sad (non-judgy) look and said maybe I should just not feed them so they don't have the energy to run riot. I think she's sensed my utter despair.

ray Are you feeling a little better now? My IBS flares up when I'm stressed, although I've recently started low-carbing and it's much better than it was.

Curry:

My ex-h was always very helpful - much better at parenting that me.

But he was also angry. Angry all the time, he just kept a lid on it. If I brought anything up, or said anything wrong, he would be ANGRY. Blank me, or just not speak for a couple of days.

We could go for MONTHS without him getting angry. If I didn't push things.

Then one day I met someone at work who was a really nice, polite boy. Who never got angry, and just smiled at me and was polite and carried my bag and opened doors.

One day I was out with DH and I accidentally stood by a door, thinking he's open it. "What the fuck are you waiting for?" he said, "If you think I'm ever opening a door for you, you have another think coming."

I left him, after that, with everyone wondering why I left my perfect husband and perfect house and perfect life.

The fact was, I wanted my own space, I wanted to be able to decide what music I listened to and what I wore and what I did without worrying all the time about making him angry.

I've never regretted it. I'm as poor as fuck and the children are still demanding as hell - but at least he takes them 50% of the time... and then I just have hours of peace and sunshine and I can watch the motes of dust floating in the air and Just Do Nothing.

And a couple of years down the line and I'm dating the nice, quiet boy, and he is calm, and gentle, and goes for walks with me and holds my hand, and never shouts at me, and even if I'm being crazy and hysterically he just holds me tight and tells me everything will be ok and he loves me just the way I am. And I could call him now and tell him to come and find me and he would drop everything and come and put his arms around me and kiss me on the forehead and tell me that everything's ok.

Anyway - just to say, things can change. You can make decisions about what you want. Not all men are angry men.

lollydolly, I think I would, but for DH's sake, not mine. He adores DS, more than pulls his weight with childcare and housework, and would have been a very unhappy and disappointed person if we'd remained child free. And my experience is not as bad as many of those on this thread - my career hasn't suffered and although in the short term I'm finding life hard, DS is nearly 3 and I'm already getting glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel.

In the short term, I want to scream and throw things quite often! And what I certainly wouldn't do is have a second child. I think DS will be fine as an only and it's just too big a risk in all sorts of ways to have another.

Ray DD2 is my most accident-prone one out of three. Her most recent a&e trip was when she split her chin by falling over while holding on to the pushchair (you'd think that made it safer). Lots of blood, all fine now but I am left nervous of her every stumble, hovering around waiting for the next accident I might be able to prevent by being quick enough. Makes me jumpy and anxious, so you have my every.sympathy.

Meglet - not feeling to much better really, didn't manage to have a sleep just a lay down as MIL brought DD2 home so didn't get a chance.
I find that when my IBS plays up I feel even more tired which doesn't help matters. I will be going to bed as soon as DCs are asleep.
Sorry about our DCs behaviour is it actually being naughty or just general children running around ifkwim.

Lastyear - I think DS will be the same, he's just into everything and climbing OMG the climbing I have to have eyes in the back of my head, he will climb anything it drives me mad.

Lollydolly

I would still have had them or maybe limited myself to one(but DD2 is so adorable I couldn't not be without her now I know her) but I would have done a lot more before having children.

I had my children quite late as it is but I wasted a lot of those years because although I was never a party animal with a huge social life, it's only since I've had children that I've really started to think about lots of things I want to do that I can't do at the moment.

It's almost as if when I had the opportunity I didn't have the desire but now I have the desire I don't have the opportunity before.

Sometimes it was circumstances that stopped me at other times pure laziness. Since I've had children, I don't have time to be lazy, so in a way I'm more driven.

The things I'm talking about are more travel, running marathons, learning to climb(perhaps), going away for weekends on my own, going to a nunnery on a retreat etc.

Yes I could do some of these things now but I don't want to/can't take my children along to all of these things plus I don't actually want to be away from them whilst they are little.

So Yes I would have children but I'd change my life first- part of the mental challenge of having children is not having the freedom, or spontaneity you had before but it's something you don't really appreciate at the time.

Lolly I definiteely would. Kids are amazing! Despite all this I'd still have more.

But if I knew what I knew now, I'd do it with a rich man so I could have a large house for them, live in help, holidays, the choice of whether to work or not and so id be able to provide all I want for my kids.

Lolly, I adore my children but naively had my daughter at 21 and wish now I'd travelled more and experienced a bit more life. Also wish I'd been sensible with house, money etc before having children.

So much for an early night DS is still awake now, I feel like rubbish, haven't managed to eat since breakfast and don't want to really as in a lot of pain with stomach, at least it will help the diet! I just want to sleep why won't my child go the F to sleep. Ill get to bed and then he will have a crap night and tomorrow will be spent mostly tired again.

DS please go to sleep.

Ray have you tried buscopan? two of them and a couple of nurofen plus used to stop an ibs attack in it's tracks for me. Can't take them now as breastfeeding but really recommend.

I'm starting to think it's not just having children that affects your mental health. I think it's perhaps the massive responsibility, worry and guilt that comes along with it coupled with your emotional needs taking a backseat. I was at my results of this test

Morning everyone.

financialnightmare - I am not sure which parts of that are directed at me. I do not have an angry partner. I am prone to being angry myself. Are you suggesting he might be better off leaving me?

I am glad I have children, in answer to that question. I am very happy that they are growing up though. I know I will miss them terribly eventually when they are finally grown up, but as people to hang out with I much prefer children to babies. So far.

Heavy weekend - dd2 suffering badly with a virus and teething - screaming in my ear all night on Saturday. Dp sent me to sleep in the sitting room and dealt with her all night last night. Feel a lot better for it and very grateful.

It occurred to me that the horror of parenthood, when it is horrible, is its innate tendency to pile things up one upon each other - of course it is the case that your child is demanding when ill at the same time as you have the same very nasty virus yourself. You realise this first when you have the baby and miss two nights' sleep or whatever and tear to bits etc etc and this is precisely the moment at which you are handed a hungry newborn baby.

We have the house. phew. Need to arrange so many things now - primarily moving into it. I feel like shit on a stick with this virus and asthma, but there is so much to feel good about.

Hope you all have a good day x

Hallo all

Nothing much to add in terms of help and no time to catch up properly on the tread (inset day so have DD plus two of her friends and DS and trying to do some work FUN!).

But just wanted to say happy Monday (!) and hope you all have a good day today. xx

I am a long time lurker and can totally relate to these posts- I have 8 month old twin boys and a 3.8 year old dd. dd is going through a very 'challenging' phase at the moment and the tantrums and whining is endless. The twins have never slept through and I have completely run out of patience.
Friday was one meltdown after another (me and her!) and I ended up in tears on more than one occasion. My dh is out 7.30-8pm in the week so everything is down to me. I can't work now I have twins due to double childcare costs.
I have turned into a shouty stressed mum and at times feel very isolated. I live for the weekends we dh is here to help. Dd does 16 hours a a week at preschool which can help but sometimes the logistics of dropping her and picking her up with 2 babies in tow is exhausting. I'm hoping things will improve when she starts school in September..
Dh is away overnight with work tonight and i feel resentful that he gets a night in a posh hotel while I am stuck at home with 2 babies who wake lots and a 3 year old - all of them are full of cold as weldodo the chances of a reasonable night are greatly reduced!
It is comforting to know i am not alone