Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

There are so many amazing women on this thread. I don't have time to add much just now, just wanted to say hang in there and well done to all of us who have managed another day at the coalface. Weathers been nice here, that helps a bit.

Ontheotherside - another request for more detail please! You sound wise!

Thanks ladies. She's finally settled. I just left her to whinge I needed it. I'm needing to apologise to dd1 I'm so afraid ill mess her up with my rants and outbursts.
I'd rather be dead than be here I said.
Also told her to fuck off. I scare myself I really do.

Ontheotherside, me too am v reassured by what you've said. Always got on much better with teens than littlies yet beaten myself up SO much for my lack of patience or fun so dar with mine! Maybe there's hope then?!

Ledkr- not always been a saint myself- told dc they were both horrible today and dc1 said "what kind of mother are you to say that!" I was still FUMING but managed to correct myself to "you were behaving horribly and am sorry for what i said". Sigh. Had enough of 'em, esp dc1 right now...

Ontheotherside, thank you so much for your post. It really gives me hope: like you I can do rational argument, theatre trips, talking about books, and it's sod-all use at the moment with a 2-yr-old.

On the positive side DH has taken DS to visit MIL for a couple of days (I couldn't go as I have to work) so I'm on my own till Saturday morning and it is bliss. I really need time alone and almost never get it as I work in an open-plan office. It's a bit sad that I didn't realise till I was married with a child that actually I should have been a hermit.

God yes

Ontheotherside A wonderful post- thankyou

Ledkr Sorry you are feeling so low today.Wish I knew what to say. 2 year olds are hard(esp difficult ones).

I've had a better few days as I've been working the last couple of days so I feel quite rested!

I can cope much better when I only have them for half a day plus I've had a spare pair of hands around some of the time- the weekend looms ominously ahead though.

4yo DD is still going strong upstairs, she went to bed almost 2 hours ago. I am so sick of not having peace and quiet in the evenings.

Aw Raggedymum, you poor thing. You must feel so numb & not able to process your feelings over your cat. 17 is a good old age for a moggy & would of been a huge part of your life, who you are. You probably need some time to yourself to just feel sad about your pet dying, but unfortunately babies do not get that in the slightest. I was shocked when a little cat we had died years ago & my then 6 year old dd said "can we get a new one?" I was in bits and thought she would be sad. She then lost her Nintendo ds an was devastated as her Nintendo cats & dogs would need fed & only her voice could feed them! I thought what is wrong with my child??
Sorry for all the mums struggling with half term. Ours are in school & nursery just now, thank The Lord but only 4 weeks til Summer hols!!
This thread is fab. So reassuring to know your not alone.
I also so get the not having energy to make new friends yet find I get quite lonely so vicious cycle.
I feel like I just want to be holed up in my house. I used to be quite sociable but now it just doesn't seem worth it. Especially when you know your up so early with a full on day next day.

Ontheotherside, I salute you! Such wise words and so spot on.

In fact, I salute you all. Here's to a good day tomorrow.

And sorry about your cat, raggedy x

Sorry about your cat Raggedy.

And sorry about your hellacious day yesterday, Ledkr. Does your 2yo have a cot? Can she get out of it? When you are really losing it can you just corral her there for 5 minutes while you go to another room and scream? sorry if that is a stupid suggestion.

ontheotherside, thank you for such a positive post. I too would like to hear more from you about what you wish you had done differently. And I too hang onto Julian of Norwich! Some of the most compassionate writing ever. Right now under my pillow (no bedside table in the tiny bedroom in our temporary house) I have a card of piriton, a handkerchief, and a small Julian of Norwich reader.

Lovely to hear from you all. Have to go now but have a good day all, will be back later xxx

Thank you for those nice comments. Gosh, that was unexpected. I'm not sure I'm wise. I just just been there, that's all. Sorry I didn't reply last night - evenings not so good for me so I don't look at the internet before bed.

PeggyGuggenheim, MacMac123 and curryeater particularly asked for more details. I feel cautious about 'advice'. What was good or bad for me might not be right for everyone. I also remember all too well being enraged by 'advice' even when I had asked for it. I see now that I was so deep into my entrenched ways of thinking that I was enabling my own failure by refusing to listen but it's taken me ten years to to realise that

I'll try to overcome my reticence as when my children were small I did get very good and supportive input from women on another forum (now sadly imploded and defunct). I also worry about being patronising. Telling my stories in this context might make it sound as though I think i have the answers and I'm wary of that because I know I still have far to go on this journey.

When I ready NutsinMay's OP one of the things that struck me was that prior to having children I had never felt the need to conform socially. But once I had that baby home in my tiny one bed flat I did want or need to conform but I didn't know what it was I was meant to be. A quirk of demographics meant that I was very lonely in my experience - my friends weren't even married, let alone having babies. They had careers and we drifted apart. My new friends with babies were all older than me and had well established careers and a good deal more money. My parents had brought me up in a very traditional way (think Fifties, not Seventies!). I became very involved in previously mentioned online forum which had a feminist/gentle parenting slant and a local co-operative playgroup. I was casting around in this very conflicting range of 'sources' for a plan or a scheme, a way to live and bring up my children that would fit with who I was because I didn't know who I was any more.

My poor children - we swung around from one methodology to another. All my working life has been about organising, categorising, codifying, scheduling. I think I felt adrift and wanted a plan to hang on to. I tried to make being at home with the children into 'work' that I could make sense of. In my personal life I am actually quite chaotic, don't ever have routines, quite impulsive. I think now that all that planning and scheduling is overrated - partly because I'm not convinced that children need it (they just want love and warmth and food) but mainly because I think it stops you focusing on the moment - you are always thinking ahead and planning and worrying. I know now that I am happier if I don't make lists, elaborate plans and schemes, have expectations. But it's a really hard habit to break. I'm not there yet, by a long chalk. And you do need a partner/husband who pulls his weight (and emotionally, not just practically). And you have to let him do it and sometimes screw up too .

I wish I had just carried on being me instead of trying to be someone else - magazine mother with perfect children, perfect home, perfect life. I wish I had not worried about being sociable and making friends and interacting. I was always happiest on my own.

I am sorry about your cat Raggedy. I think the death of a pet is always hard and often also brings up other feelings and memories of other bereavements. And everyone who had a bad day yesterday: today is a new day and it can be different. It's hard to see it like that though, I know.

That was epic. Sorry!

Thank you for explaining, ontheotherside.
I will try to bear all that in mind as I have the same tendencies. I wish I hadn't read all those stupid (and contradictory) baby books when dd1 was tiny - although now I think of it, it was a good lesson to see how contradictory they were. dd1 was not an appallingly difficult baby (though not a dream baby either) and I think I was just having a huge culture shock and trying to rationalise everything - trying to manage by getting it right.

Raggedymum, dp is not consciously gaslighting but he is sort of in that space where he is always right. When we fight, and feelings are hurt, my feelings are hurt because I am oversensitive, or wrong in some other way, and his are hurt because I hurt them because I am mean. That sort of thing. He is a man and an oldest sibling and they are always so sure. IGood tips there on language to use to address it. I think we have a difficult dynamic because I come from a family where I was supposedly the naughty one and my older sister was little miss perfect. He is the same age gap older than me as my sister, and his sister - same age as me - was "the naughty one" and I think we fall too easily into roles where he is immovably in the right and I am placed in the wrong and feel very injured about it, but utterly defeatist about anyone ever seeing my point of view, and then destructively angry.

My dd1 is looking unbelievably grown up and clever and calm today, and my dd2 is a tornado of crossness and egg and buttery toast and spilt milk and I must make sure I don't make another pair of the same sets of frustrations. I found myself looking at dd1 thinking "I can't wait till dd2 is like her" and then thought I must never articulate "why can't you be like your sister?" dd2 is a ball of snot and egg today but still, I will miss it when there is no baby left in her and she no longer has buttery chubby thighs and can be rolled up in a ball in my lap. dd1 sits on my lap and her big-girl legs spider off.

I really sympathise a lot with the OP. Being a parent of young children is very hard, and people rarely acknowledge how stressful it is. (In fact, as a society we seem hellbent on blaming mothers for the difficult behaviour of their children, rather than offering sympathy or help.) It's relentless 24 hour a day, 7 day a week stuff - there is no other job that demands that. I was very unhappy and stressed during the toddler years, and nothing I did seemed to work - when you have a child who wants to do the opposite of what you want, how do you change their mind? It was beyond me. I have no idea how people cope with two or more.

Like ontheotherside - and contrary to received wisdom - I find the teenage years easier, for exactly the reasons she states. I wouldn't say it's all a breeze, but it's a damn sight easier than the toddler years!

Still following this thread. It is comforting but also a bit depressing that so many other people feel and have felt the same as I have.

I am sure it is the attitudes of our society which makes being a parent, and a mother in particular, harder than it need be. It imposes a set of unrealistic expectations which we then feel disappointed and guilty that we can't achieve.

Ledkr, I have much sympathy with your last post. I have a two and a half year old demolition machine too. I love him dearly, but sometimes I don't like him very much. My older DC just didn't trash the house like this one does. It is exhausting clearing up after him, esp as I have a baby too.

My saving grace of the last week or so - Fireman Sam. It is the only programme I have found so far that he will watch for more than a minute, giving me a bit of time to clear up the last round of mess / bf before he starts over again.

I'm quite looking forward to teenagers now!

Yes, we can live in hope!

I am sad I have got to the end of this thread and hope it continues

Me too, Indigo.

Thanks ontheother
I know what you mean. I'd love to be more relaxed about things, especially the house, but I feel as though somehow the state of the house is the state of my mind. My favourite time is when I come in just after the cleaner has left. Everything is nice, neat, in it's place. I feel calm and in control.
From there it gets steadily messier, dirtier and I start battling it. I feel if I let the house descend into chaos then I'll lose it completely.

I'm only as sane as my house is perfect basically. How sad is that!

Mac mac, I am absolutely the same as you! No one else cares about my house but it really effects my well being! Sad but true x

Yep, me too.

curryeater thanks so much for that David Sedaris link - I've never read him before and he's hilarious!