Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Half term madness.

And there's a thread on AIBU telling us to make most of it but all I have around me is crying, wailing, bickering....

I noticed that sauce.

So. I have an issue which is that if I am stressed about something else, I tend to tell my children off more forcefully than I would otherwise. (eg yelling way longer than necessary) it makes me feel shit but I don't know how to stop doing it.

What's up Saucey ?
We're going out in a mo -
Could you do that too ?

I actually love the school hols. I find the break from routine very refreshing and love not having to make sandwiches or get dressed at 7.
Pity about the weather tho.
Dd1 and I have made flat macaroons and are now watching pitch perfect
Dd2 has been napping but is awake now and standing in front if the tv

I've just dropped eldest at a play date and driven long way home!!

Had such good intentions for a fun love filled day and then I'm telling off, shouting, huffing. It felt like I was trying to catch water. I can go from "this is fine, this is nice" to "oh my fucking god I can't cope any more" in about 20 minutes! It's like I lose all perspective. I dunno, I'm tired and got the guilts because I'm too tired to make the effort. Should've faked it till Made it...

Some days can just feel like death from a thousand cuts.

springymater I was going to ask you about your very interesting post in the night but it looks like you have regretted it so I won't.
Hope you are ok.
Hang in there sauce! I know what you mean about how suddenly it is all too much...

Sauce- same here exactly. I'm Disney mum with my walk and baking with dds.
We watched our movie. Then it all kicked off.
Dd2 inexplicably poured water over the sofa and floor.
I'm shouting and trying to clear it up dd1 decides she's off to her room with normal paints to paint her face. I say no and she's straight off crying "I'm so bored I've been in all day" I spent all day doing stuff with her and also helping her contact friend to come over.
So I'm off on a rant then. Just can't help it

I've been reading about adrenal glands & adrenal fatigue - seems inevitable for mothers/non-sexist fathers of young children. Symptoms include being too quick to anger - because there's not enough cortisol so adrenaline kicks straight in. Or something. 3G rubbish round here today, I'm following my scooting 4yo around the streets whole baby naps in sling as it's far less work hearing whining outside than in (tbf I've whined at him too).

While baby. And whole baby, I suppose.

That's interesting Mavis. Ill look it up.
Are you walking in the rain?

No, but through puddles. We crossed one road 8 times to make the most of a big one (Disney mum) but had spent the first ten mins howling (him, wanted to be in house watching telly) & snapping (me, fishwifely, 'We're not going home until I've had some fun.')
That everything turning to ashes thing from upthread again - I tried to explain to ds that I needed not just to be out, but to not be whined at, to have a nice time for a bit. Can't say it worked but he did cheer up eventually, as did I.

Just said to dh (who must have regretted phoning home) it must be far easier to parent when it's not constantly raining.
Dd2 is feral and needs to be outside at all times.
I'm thinking the weekend at a festival will be successfully.

Tewi, I'm sure everyone is either more quick to anger or less restrained in the way they show their anger when under stress.

I suppose. But it's just normal everyday stress most of the time. Like today someone was visiting briefly, and I wanted the house to be fairly tidy Before they arrived. 1yo kept throwing things around (normal behaviour) then 4yo kept getting in the way and crowding around me while I tried to clear up after him - she ended up hitting me on the head. It was an accident, but I lost it.

Things like this happen every few days, and I know it's not fair on the kids that my temper is so short.

Dont forget that ups and downs and grumpiness are a normal part of life .
Some tips from an old hand

Dont take their howling/ grouchiness personally- its not a reflection on you its part of their developmental process .

Once you stop taking it personally you can detach a bit . They will still howl/cry but it wont get to you in the same way.I would sing "bring me sunshine" in my head

Whining- OMG whining makes me go from zero to explosion in 30 seconds .I cannot tolerate it and even now I go rigid and have to put my hand over my mouth if I hear a whiny child ,even if they are someone elses ! " I will listen when you stop whining/speak in a normal voice"
Repeat as required !

The adrenal thing up thread is very interesting . My GP diagnosed severe adrenal fatigue ,I was literally shaking with anxiety and stress. She advised reducing tea,coffee ,caffeine ( I lived on black coffee) regular meals ( I skipped meals to save time) and HAHAHA getting more sleep.
I took up running
The effects of exercise were amazing and it also gave me thinking time .
That is what I was craving and missing - time to just be and think before the next demand, meal,problem to be solved.

Thanks so much OP for starting such a brilliant thread. I have taken much comfort from the fact that I'm not the only one feeling inadequate. Neither dh nor I wanted kids at all but he changed his mind after 6 years of marriage. There followed 6 years of failed fertility treatments eventually ending with a beautiful ds born just after my 40th. The first year was really hard emotionally. I have since got used to the cocktail of anxiety and guilt that seems to define motherhood for many of us. In the early days I craved time away from ds but often felt bad when I got it. I too worried/worry about my own mortality (feel guilty in advance for possible long term damage done to ds - WTF?)
I hated the sight of myself in the mirror (old, haggard, tired) and doubted my lovability as a mother partly cos of how I looked (again WTF) on top of my more obvious failings.
I chose an elective cs cos I was absolutely terrified of giving birth and I never even considered bf to be honest.
On the upside ds is happy & healthy and seems to be very fond of me despite everything My dh is very happy with his son and we are fortunate enough to be in a position to have plenty of babysitting. Still the anxiety & feelings of inadequacy. DH does not recognise those feelings so maybe its a mothering issue.
My own mother seems amazed that we like her at all even though we think she's brilliant whilst acknowledging she's not perfect. She is still parenting & supporting us at 80!
I'm trying not to give myself too hard a time and am trying to accept that I'll be a "good enough" mother, it's the best/all I can do.

I have only read the first three pages but this has all made me feel quite tearful. So much resonates here with my own experiences and feelings, so articulately expressed.

I have had depressive episodes and unstable moods all my adult life and in some ways parenthood has helped as I am forced to 'cope' for the sake of my family. I don't know what the mental health/emotional cost to me will be it the long term of that. Ironically it was a work issue that finally triggered a near breakdown last year and drove me to my GP and then some CBT. It was helpful but inadequate in that it can't address the anger and the feelings around your whole sense of self being destroyed in those years with young children.

I have name changed for this post partly to protect my privacy but also for a more appropriate name because what I have realised slowly and painfully over the past two years is that although I was not cut out to be a great mother to small children I am a good mother to teenagers. And somehow all my screw-ups when they were small have not affected them too much I hope in that they both seem pretty well balanced and sane. I went to some dark places in those first 7 years but good old Julian of Norwich is right and it all does pass although I would have become hysterical with anyone who had told me that at the time. Now they are in their mid teens and we are four sensible and intelligent people living together and I am still their parent, but the things I am good at (reasoned argument, liking music and reading, talking about current affairs, going to the theatre) and that make me 'me' are valuable and of benefit to them in a way they are not to a five year old.

I am overwhelmed with regret for some of my choices and actions when they were young. I wish I had had the courage of my convictions and been the best kind of parent I could be instead of a second rate 'normal' parent. I wish I had done what I wanted instead of what society thought I should do. I suppose I will get over that eventually. Seeing so many of us here writing the same things, I would like to believe that it's our social constructs around motherhood that are 'wrong', not us.

Going to read the rest of the thread later but wanted to post as I am not brave about sharing this stuff and if I reflect on it to much I will lose my nerve.

You're all awesome :)

mavis I've seen the odd article about adrenal fatigue and it sums me up perfectly.

Has anyone read Valley of the Dolls? IIRC there was a character who went to some bonkers clinic to be drugged up with sleeping pills to recover from something or other. Someone needs to bring it back.

Don't read the 'is shouting at your kids abuse?' thread either, although it was this morning so may have 'finished' already. I read 'how to talk..' and realised it was what I'd been trying to do anyway, to no avail. So I shout.

ontheotherside that's very reassuring and well put, that the "real" you, the cultured you, is a good parent. Thank you. Can you elaborate on what you could have done better when they were little?

I was thinking about this thread on the bus this morning.

curry, have you heard of gaslighting? It sounds like your DH might be doing it to you. Ahah! I've found where I first read about it: gaslighting

The basic idea is that someone constantly minimises your experience by turning it into him(usually)self and how your overreaction is hurting him. Things like "I can't talk to you while you're like this" or "You're too sensitive", etc.

I've noticed DH does it to me to some extent, and now that I know about it I've been trying to call him on it. I don't use the term 'gaslighting' because I feel it might be too combative (as I think he's read the same article I have), but I point out when he says something by telling him things like, "When you say X, it invalidates my experience. I need you to understand that my experiences are valid." Or "You might think you're making a joke when you say Y, but it has the effect of minimising my feelings. I need you to recognise that I am having these feelings, even if you don't understand why." He is slowly starting to understand.

I feel it most keenly at imbalances in whose 'fault' it is. I constantly find that things are my 'fault', but then when the tables are turned, they're still my 'fault'. For example, if I misunderstand something DH says, it's my fault for not understanding I should have known what he meant. But if he misunderstands what I say, then it's my fault again I should have explained better. I try to point out the unfairness of this, but I'm afraid I tend to do it at a heated moment and it doesn't work so well. I have found using the terms 'minimising' and 'invalidating' work better, perhaps because DH has read the articles and so recognises them, but since I'm not accusing him of anything it doesn't put him on the defensive.

I've been having a real hard time this week. We had to put my cat of 17 years to sleep on monday, and it seems to have tipped me over the edge. The cat was ill, and has in fact lived about 3 years longer than we expected, so it shouldn't be impacting me so much. But it seems like it might have just been one thing too much. I've gone through the work week in a daze, barely accomplishing anything (taking extra long lunch breaks reading MN...), and just kind of feel a bit removed from everything. I feel like I just want everything to stop so I can get a little rest. And I was short with DD on monday after we burred the cat (she woke up after I'd put her down and I snapped at her), and since then she's been extra clingy and completely will not sleep unless I'm near her (we have a side-car cot, so that works fine, but I used to be able to put her down and have an evening bath, chat with DH, etc.)

Yesterday morning I flipped out at breakfast when DD had finished eating but I had not, and she was tossing her plate off the high chair and I just kept moaning, "I know you're done, but I'm not, and I want to EAT". DH came to rescue and cleaned up the baby, which I really appreciated. I'm just trying to push through to the weekend... when I have to clean the house that is getting close to unsanitary. Gah! Well, I'll probably end up doing the minimum for health.

And ledkr, I completely agree with difficulty making time for people! I feel bad because I have few friends and I'd really like to make more, but I just don't have the time or energy to do all the 'friend courting' business. I really knocked myself out in DD's first 6 months, because I desperately wanted to make friends and knew that a new baby was an ideal time. I went to the local baby group and to the NHS's breastfeeding group, and made a real effort to meet people. Then we moved before I really got a chance to know anyone deeply -- not far, but enough that those groups are no longer practical and in the opposite direction from work. So all that effort wasted and I'm really not up to doing it again yet.

So after my brief positivity my day has been a fucking nightmare and I feel practically ill with stress.
I'm not pmt I'm not tired I'm just completely fed up with my chikdren.
Dd1 has been bored but I've tried really hard to entertain her but she's gone from one thing to another making a mess and I've said some awful things to her and we've both cried.
Dd2 has ripped off a drawer front hanging off it and then got hold of some of dd1 make up and got nail varnish everywhere.
As I'm clearing it up I'm going between screaming and crying and literally considering my options.
Shall I leave? Shall I take dd1 cos we were ok before the baby came.
I feel all uptight and foggy headed and totally overwhelmed.
When will it ever end? I'm already payi g for two days nursery I can't afford anymore but I just can't deal with this child who is like a human demolition machine.
I had 3 boys fgs but my dds are breaking me down.
I'm sorry for rant but I've got nobody to speak to.

I text dh at work to say if he doesn't fit a stair gate my Monday I'm leaving him and I meant it.

Quick stomp round the garden to catch your breath while they watch telly??? Say nothing to dh, sleep on it and tell him you NEED an early night?

Ledkr- i take great comfort in the saying " you are not your feelings" of that helps? You understandably feel overwhelmed.. Ok, don't beat yourself up for it, this is how you feel now.. But other feelings will come along soon enough especially if you've been able to rest/take a break...

It sometimes works anyway, other times i do just think, "fuck it, I've had enough"