Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Emsmaman I worry about not getting along with my daughter in the future, we clash every day, I really wonder how this could be.

I know its illogical but somehow I thought a daughter would be a mini me and a boy would be mini dh. Dd will be incredible no matter what she does but she needs an extremely firm hand - if I don't raise her to respect me she is going to be completely out of control.

I'd like to see this in Parenting too. It's only tangentially about mental health. Far more about society, I think.

Yes, great thread, will read back over the bits I've missed. I think "parenting" would be a good place to keep it because of what Mini said about it being about more universal, (though obviously also individual), experiences of mothering/parenting.

Something's up. Love to you. Hope things improve.
Brave decision.
I wiry about my dd too. I adore her but hate the cheeky mare she's becoming

What strikes me about this thread is how many men are shitting on their partners from a great height.
When you had a child did you expect to suddenly become thequeenoffuckingeverything ??
Why are they reverting to childhood suddenly unable to pick up their own pants,cups or pack a suitcase or buy a card ?
Do you have someone who clears up your pants,dishes,packs for you and buys your mother a fucking birthday card ?
I dont need to answer do I??

I gave my DH an ultimatum 50/50 or I walked - this was after a 6 month period when he did his activitiesevery weekend. If not we would divorce and share the DC - 50% of everything ;
My mental health was affected by having a selfish arsehole of a DH who refused to do his fair share of childcare,housework and general thinking about day to day stuff.
I loved breastfeeding

in answer to the op only

Fuck Aye

but I loved breastfeeding

My 3 year old is a bit ill at the moment - just runny nose, sore ears, general lurgy from playgroup. He's clingier to me than usual and sort of swinging between saying, "I'm a big man, I can do things." to talking in a baby voice and wanting me to lift him (!)

9 month old DD is crawling at a lightening speed, and I predict she'll be walking long before her birthday. Any nook or cranny is where she wants to explore and anything breakable, heavy or important is high up on shelves.

I'm like an octopus lifting things here and there, cooking, timing recipes, sorting washing, cleaning and tidying, just generally stopping all the balls I'm juggling from being dropped.

I look right and my kids are "mumma, mumma, mumma" wanting me, just me and all of me.

I look left and just see debris. Toys, books, clutter. Things I just sorted out 10 mins ago have now jumped back down to the floor to taunt me.

I love this thread, makes me realise I'm not a dirty fecker who can't keep up with young kids, I'm just human!

Yes I loved breastfeeding too (I've been doing it for 5 years now through 2 DC) but it was very hard to begin with. The first few weeks were very difficult. DD was drinking milk from cracked bleeding nipples and I dreaded every feed.

In the end I was lucky. I got the hang of it and DD was good at it.. It has,however, contributed to dramatic weightloss(at the beginining) years of broken sleep, me needing to do every bedtime(for as long as they fed to sleep) and the feeling that my body has not been my own for a long time.

It's also very difficult to get them to stop(this is something the HV don't warn you about)

My vote is for parenting.

Agree with every word, Nutsinmay, about breastfeeding.

No one had prepared me for the worry when DD (6 months) refused all bottles when I went back to FT work when she was 6 months. She lost weight and compensated by feeding through the night - so that made me even more of a zombie at work. hideous hideous.

That said, breastfeeding is the only thing I was any good at. That and reading. Does not make for an ace parenting experience.

I keep trying to remember why I wanted all this. I don't remember ever deciding I wanted a baby. Just did it because that's what you do. Crap crap crap.

I've got to get up at 5:45 to get the kids to childminder (both of them so twice the childcare cost since it's half term - excellent), then a long commute to the office.

DD is going to a party tomorrow afternoon (my ace childminder has rearranged stuff to take her, she is a lovely lovely woman) - managed to rush out in my lunchbreak to buy present but cannot find sellotape anywhere. DH has gone into a huff about how it's indicative of my disorganisation, the place is a pigsty, I can't keep order, if only I put things away once I used them. Etc etc. He has stormed off to bed.

This from the man who is constantly losing his keys/phone/beer. But apparently that is my fault too because the house is such a mess.

I am sick of the juggling and the exhaustion. And it's worse because I know I should be grateful for everything.

(and I have stuck the birthday girl's present together with labels - do you think she'll mind? she's only 6. I expect the yummies will judge me for it but she won't mind right? She won't even notice. I am overthinking this).

Sorry should have said in my case the dramatic weightloss was mine. Yes it was great to shift the baby weight at first but I just kept losing it until I looked very gaunt and my clothes were hanging off me. My DM expressed her concerns to DP once as I reached 8 stone (I'm tall and normally weigh 9.5) and he said "Most women would kill to be able to lose weight like that!".Not exactly the sympsthetic reaction she was looking for.

TheOldestCat Must have been very upsetting to have seen your DD losing weight knowing she wouldn't take a bottle, however , hungry she was.

Me too! I was the thinnest I'd ever been and looked dreadful. I wish I'd stopped, realised that it wasn't worth it and got some help. But hey ho. Such is the power of hindsight.

And DD grew up into a slim but healthy little girl.

Are you feeling healthier and the right weight now? I hope so. And thank you for the kind words.

Another vote here for moving this thread to parenting.

Weirdly my baby has slept from 8.15pm last night but my 3 year old has woken me up at 3.30am.

But wow having 7 hours sleep in a row is something that hasn't happened for over a year - as my pregnancy was horrific with lots of early morning sickness.

I thought of this lovely thread when I was bathing my toddler last night and he deliberately splashed water all over me. It was also my inspiration for making my DH late for work while I got out for an hour.
In that hour my baby did the biggest explosion of pooh ever known to this planet all over DH - so maybe just maybe there is a God.

And on the subject of God Ohcluttergone I am a lapsed catholic but walked past the church today and thought hey - maybe I should go for the sake of having somewhere to go with kids for an hour!!!! But then won't they just think I am taking my toddler to try get them into school??

Curry Thank you for the David Sedaris link - he is so funny. I've only recently got into his writing and love how he keeps it real. Maybe I should write about my childhood in a Sedaris type of way - I mean my parents once forgot my birthday until very late in the evening once and at about 10 pm they went scrambling for a present which was a bit of pottery they found in a tourist shop. I did keep my bday very quiet though and my younger sister and I wanted to see if they were too tired to remember. To be fair they were on a very rare holiday with me and my younger sister - the only one I ever remember them taking.

TheOldestCat I don't think anyone will mind about the labels - but especially the birthday recipient - we have actually gone to birthdays without a present because we can't get it together in this house.
The whole card, wrapping, present thing let alone throwing party get up and go.

Theoldestcat no one does prepare you for bottle refusers. But this time around I am just going to assume it is normal for baby to refuse bottle. One thing I was glad of is that I never ever express - I can't be bothered.
But I remember the bfing and working full time thing well - as it seemed to be all I ever did - bf at home and work outside the home!

Oh Springymater so tough. Hang in there.

oldestcat Ive sent presents wrapped and sealed in all sorts and tenners in cards.
Why does your dh think the messy house is your fault??
shitsinger is right about the useless men making women ill.
Too many blokes getting away with this IMO.
Dh works shifts but still helps to raise the children and maintain our house which HE loves in as well.
He does night wakes early mornings as do I.
I would prefer to be separated if he didn't.
It's sad that the children of these men will grow up to be the same. Women with lazy partners need to make a stand.
This thread proves how bloody hard it is to parent , the last think you need is a lazy partner who expects you to do it all and their crap too.

I should add that the divorce threat was real and written and needless to say he was utterly shocked and realised I was on the verge of a breakdown. It came after months of asking for change and being ignored or brushed off.
Further up the thread the constant internal rage was described towards DH/DP and this is what ground me down. It was awful to be constantly simmering and utterly exhausting.

I should add that 10 years later we are very happy and to his credit he made huge changes which have benefitted us all as a family. I think he is probably happierand the DC love the fact he is really involved.
I know im the only one but I would prefer this to stay here and disappear eventually.

Shitsinger, that is really positive. I do believe men people can change -when we force them when they really want to. I've had a few showdowns over the years and find that if I go scary and berserk on his ass, he will take me seriously and change his ways.

DP is off for a weeks holiday as of Saturday morning. I'm in total denial about it. I have family who can help me, but I still think it's going to be an almighty struggle. I only have one kid but I'm not a great coper. I'll probably be on here, begging for sympathy.

Wrapping paper stuck together with labels sounds like something DS would do deliberately.
You could ring the childminder and ask her to get your DC to personlise the labels this morning. She could draw hearts, starts or write messages, whatever she is capable of for her age. It could be something she is extra-proud to give.

Thanks all for kind words.

Actually the label-wrapped pressie doesn't look too bad, considering. Could catch on as a craze. Sounds like your DS would enjoy it ,clearsomespace...!

Ledkr, wise words. DH does seem to believe all mess is the fault of me and the children. Sometimes he acknowledges that he too is to blame, but I hate that he blames US, even including ourselves. We both work, we have small children - it's going to be a mess (not to mention a squash and a squeeze...). why can't he give us (including himself) a break?

I think I'll take a leaf out of shitsinger's book. Good from you.

Good luck, jollyhappy with the BF this time round. My second was less of a bottle refusnik than the first so fingers crossed for you.

Morris - I hope the week sans DH is better than you think. Have you got any plans for you and your DC?

Hope you all have a nice day and are KIND to yourselves. You're doing a top job and I expect you're doing a much much better job than you give yourself credit for.

Jollyhappy, I really don't think anyone at church would think that of you. I think most people are happy to see young families coming into the church & especially in light of recent controversies. It has helped me gain some perspective. Love my little boy more. Stop feeling so down about money worries, mortgage payments & stop being so materialistic. Hope that If you go you find it in some way helpful/comfort

Yes jollyhappy, do that writing!

Also agree with clutter that no one will think that if you want to go to church. They are already there and it is normal to them, there is no second guessing, they know you don't need a reason to go, except, you know, all the reasons.
And they will take pleasure from the presence of you and your dcs (some of them) however much of a nightmare you are finding them.

Interesting thoughts from many about how to change the dynamic with your partner.

Still virusy today but my general funk is gradually resolving itself, a week late, into a relief that we seem to have a house and not be homeless
:) :) :)

Trouble with bedtime often these days. dd1 is over tired, stroppy, old enough to have a reward chart and I should sort that out; but dd2 is probably just ill. No rest for the wicked

Hope you are all having a good day?

any reports from the front? Any urgent need for venting or hand holding?

I should add that I had my own issues including the need to be "perfect" which contributed and the huge pressure I placed on myself.
It was a real process of change for both of us,not easy and not a quick fix.
Some of the stories upthread about not be able to go out for the day/get a haircut because of what will be waiting ie wrecked house,neglected DC make me rage. Please dont lie down if this happens - confront your DH.
You are a human being not a bloody domestic appliance, you are his wife,partner not the childcare !

I too have huge expectations for a lovely house.
I am going to try and not get upset about it.
My dds are little still there is time for order later for now we should be decreasing the pressure on ourselves massively and concentrating on our children.
Today I simply took dd1 for a walk and she got her night garden comic and some chocolate buttons and was beaming as we carried them home.
So simple yet so sweet.