Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

springymater I only know about how you can refuse staggered entry because I went searching when I heard about it as it sounded so ridiculous and my oldest is a year from starting!

This is a fab thread.
I wish I had found something like it during the first year of DS life.
How I coped with that year I will never know.
I have mostly blocked it out.

I don't miss the children when they aren't with me.
same here, I split with their father when they were young, we had a shared care arrangement and I didnt miss them when they weren't with me.
I dont miss them now, I feel upset if they are suffering in any way and I want to talk to them and will try and help, but (except when I was breastfeeding) I've never pined for them or felt a need to see them.

It is a bit of a popular attitude tho. The old LTB.
I often suggest it to posters as well.
However having LTB twice over and become a lp and also seeing the detrimental effect on the children I'm not sure it's always the easy way out if you are already struggling with parenthood.
Ultimately when you do LTB it's because you decide to and not because some stranger on the Internet tells you to.
This thread is not about our relationships it's about us struggling with our feelings about being parents.
When we start the thread we will make the title cryptic so as not to get judged or told off.

Hello, my people. Aaaah, that's nice.

I probably made the wrong choice when sitting there in the last chance saloon aged 38, but hey ho. Here we are and here it is.

I do all that counting time away stuff, but not til age 18. I'm aiming for age 5 first. At that age, he won't be crying getting his teeth brushed, tantrumming because I won't let him lie down on the road, etc etc. I hope.

Also, once they're old enough to stay overnight with others without the military operation, I look forward to waving him an airy goodbye and then watching three episodes of Lewis with egg yolk running down my chin.

PGL holidays anybody? When do they kick in? I only have one kid, and we both work. Money no object. I'm already outsourcing toilet training and table manners. That nursery are doing a sterling job bringing the young master up, and my time is priceless. Beyond rubies.

I can identify with l;ots of these posts. I too am an introvert and find the constant climbing on me and need for attention very difficult. The only thing that has saved me is I work full time. I'm not stopping even though next year we could probably afford me to drop days; I need my space at my computer in peace.

Whenever I read posts on MN about how fed up women are people always jump up and say 'are you depressed, go to your GP' and I thrink 'she's not depressed, looking after children is shit, it's relentless and boring and isolating!'

trucks I went to Disney Paris with dd1 when dd2 was five months.
We went back again under two years later and I had hardly any recollection of it
Even the rides seemed scarier than the first time.
I must have been numb.

About begging for help to get a hair cut and panicking about how I will manage with a cold - that is not now. That was when I was on mat leave with a tiny bf baby, or baby + toddler. Now I ponce off to London to drink coffee and sit at a computer and get my hair cut in a fabled thing called a "lunch hour" (I don't get them often, like sick days, but when I am desperate I get them, and by god it makes a difference)

dp did not support me enough when they were tiny because he didn't grasp the enormity and I had not worked out ways to get him to support me when was bfing day and night

bigkidsdidit, I agree and I am resisting ADs myself. and I think there is something creepy and misogynist about the answer to so many women being unhappy in such similar ways being a pill

I don't want this thread to disappear. I think there is some great stuff on .

and it is inspiring. Thinking about how things could be changed, certain things could change right now if I can work out some strategies

PGL holidays! MorrisZapp Do they still do those? I remember my best friend at school being sent away on one of those. She came back with a massive crush on her group leader! She was the youngest of 5. Think her parents had pretty much given up by then.

No question that ADs saved my life at one stage. That was the PND stage (or was it the horrific marriage stage? )

I am a huge fan of ADs - at the right time. My recent children-induced-breakdown has meant another foray with ADs, not quite as successful this time. the first lot made me put on 3st but I was so ill I couldn't care (that just shows how ill I was). The 2nd lot have not made me put on weight but gave me lock jaw and made me feel fuzzy. So I still had the tremendous emotional pain but I couldn't grasp it.

There really ought to be an immediate painkiller for emotional pain. Like paracetamol but for the emotions. Legal, that is.

Dd1 wouldn't go on PGL. Seems I'm doing too good a fecking job.

Yeah, I agree about the depressed thing. When I stopped bf DS (super clingy, regular waking bottle refuse) I suddenly felt AWESOME.

Am pregnant again 'yay, surprise!' And I'm not bf this time. I'm 26. I got pg with DD at 21. Being pg and bf makes my life so much more difficult. 4 years, out of the last 5.

I'm not doing it this time. Formula is a tiny feminist dream and I'm jumping on it.

I often bosh a quick syndol if its all a bit much

Ledkr, two brilliant ideas.

I have often wondered if it would be easier without DP. He is a very responsible, mostly amenable, hard working, very caring BUT he lacks intuition, flexibility, creativity and empathy. He can't see when I am struggling, he can't think about the little details, he can't use his initiative and he lacks confidence in his ability to parent the children. He looks to me constantly. Quite honestly I wonder if I could cope with him having the children on his own. I would have too much peace in which to worry anxiously about what terrible thing might happen to them. Of course after years of managing the house and everyone in it, I have probably entrenched his sense of being a spare part. It's too difficult to unravel and unthinkable that he could have sole responsibility. I never noticed any flaws in this man until we had children. I keep holding onto the fact that I see glimmers of what I loved under all this crap-a-doodle boring day to day stuff.

Chippedandstained you really have your work cut out with three under five. I left four years between mine (wimped out)

"There really ought to be an immediate painkiller for emotional pain." totally.
Ledkr, what is syndol?

My ex left whilst I was pg, came back again and then left for good when DD was 6mo. The pg was really hard because of this and I still don't know what was natural hormone madness or him (or both) but I think I went a bit bonkers tbh. I couldn't trust him (he drank a lot and was frequently home late stinking of booze) and it all got to a point I felt I was going to be the most terrible mother as I couldn't even keep him happy. I felt drained emotionally before she was even born!
She was a very high needs baby too - I had to hold her all of the time and she would scream if I sat down! I had to stand and hold her. At one point she fed every 20mins. All through the night. She rarely napped; 20mins at the most. I felt a wreck.
Strangely, although it seems obvious now, as soon as her dad left the picture I felt better almost instantly (after he dragged us to Court which meant waiting 7/8months for the date to come through and a lot of nasty messages/visits and letters from him and his family trying to tip me over the edge so I would drop CSA) I finally got to completely cut him out of my life. He hasn't seen DD since he left when she was 6mo and since the Court in Nov we haven't text/messaged etc. Yes, he can have contact if he wants, in a contact centre but he simply doesn't. He has a new g.f poor cow and is happy blaming his lack of daughter on me being crazy.
I still have anxiety regarding her - dreams of her running off the pavement into the road is the current one. However not having the added stress of someone looking over your shoulder (usually with a negative or sarcastic comment) has really helped. He honestly had me thinking I may actually be chronically depressed obvs not because of him, oh no, this was all down to me being a failure and until I got him out I couldn't see it was simply his arrogance.
After that, I feel very happy every day to have DD all to myself. Yes she drives me bonkers in the morning when she deliberately tips her milk and/or museli all over the table and floor to draw circles in. Yes I wish she would have a little lie in for just once in her life and not wake up at 6am. Yes she headbutts me regularly and still scratches and pinches my armpit fat in public, sometimes to the point it bleeds from scratches . However she also makes me laugh every day. She makes me smile so much. I can't stay angry at her for long, and luckily we have a really close bond with lots of cuddles.
Heaven help me when she turns 11 (or is it 9 that they start becoming teenagers now?)

Can someone explain what a PGL is?

DH now up - and I've had a word and said I can't go on but this is not the first time I have said this to him. DS1 who I let go to sleep far too early is up but DH is dealing with that.

I have just eaten a massive chocolate bar.

sleepingsatellite - your post could have been written by me. I'm thinking about showing my DH this whole thread.

I live in fear of 3pm on a Friday knowing I have approx 65hrs on my own with the dc's. They are adorable but I'm usually broken by 11am on Saturday morning. Part of me doesn't want to wish away their younger years but I think I will enjoy them being teenagers knowing that I can sleep a little and have some freedom to leave the house without them all the time.

The one thing that I can cope with is eating out together, they can't run off to watch cbeebies, I'm not worried about cooking or making a mess and we can just spend time together with the pressure taken off.

We went on a couple of PGL holidays as children. It was with our parents but they packed us off on acitivites all week while they relaxed. I expect my parents would have been on this thread 30yrs ago .

TeWiSavesTheDay Formula is fab (another thing no one is allowed to say) I would have been completely barking had it never been invented.

Parenting has definitely affected my mental health. Anti-depressants got me through the first few years, when they were really small, and I dare not go off them now...my kids are noisy, boisterous, strong-willed, argumentative, extremely physical and just ON all the time. I adore them; they are also bright, funny, talented, industrious and kind but Man, they are bloody hard work and to use an old fashioned phrase, my 'nerves' are shot. Without my meds, I don't think I could cope with the screeching, arguing, bouncing, negotiating, squabbling marathon that is life with my children. I no longer feel overwhelmed .

Ledkr "I'm often joyfull at the knowledge of a local fete I can attend"

^^ Brilliant!

I too am scouring the local what's on on a Friday night to see if there's anything going on I can feasibly take my children to at the weekend.Local Farmer's Market?, Car Boot Sale?, Open Day at the Old People's Day Centre?(well they will surely have cake!).

My eldest is easier to take out now on her own (no nappies, no pushchair, no nap etc to worry about and she is old enough to enjoy a museum) but when you are trying to find something that will keep both toddler and a school aged child interested, it can be a challenge.

The year before my eldest went to school was hard as I was dragging her along to rhymetime at the library and stay and play at the children centre and she was starting to out grow it. It's so much easier now I only have the two year old to think about on school days.

And re the poster who said she was asked about her weekend by childfree colleagues- I totally get where you are coming from. Mine always say "Did you have a nice weekend?, Have you got anything nice planned for the weekend" "Doing anything nice" I too want to say "No it was pretty crap actually" . Actually I do often just say "it was tiring" and leave it at that. Once they asked me what I'd got up to over the Easter weekend and you know I couldn't honestly remember.

Also due to the hours I work, some days I leave mid afternoon(in the sunshine) and they say "Enjoy the rest of the afternoon". I just think " I'm now starting the second shift, this is the hardest part of the day. Sadly I'm not going to be lounging around in the sun drinking champagne or doing a bit of light shopping and having afternoon tea with a friend.

Disclaimer: Despite all this- I really do love my children!

jolly we used to call PGL Parents Get Lost - my dad used to pack me off for a week or two in the school holidays to do activities which I loved. I assume he was having a similarly good time not having to think of things to keep me busy

Curry it was me who said about the anger. You are so right i your post a while back, as in it only hurts the angry person. This was particularly clear during my row with DP after he'd caught me smirking about the fact he'd struggled to look after the baby and keep the kitchen under control.
He was genuinely amazed and dumbfounded when it became clear to him the underlying anger I had towards him. And that I'd wanted him to fail and struggle that day.
I on the other hand was amazed to discover he wasn't angry with me (outside of that particular row) and doesn't go off to work wishing me a hard day or thinking bad thoughts in the way I do him (well I'd wished him a hard day at home with the baby to somehow 'show' him a glimpse into my world).

So you're right, the real loser all round in that situation was me, the angry one

macayoni yy to children who are 'on' all the time. Nothing will stop mine. If we watch a film they ask questions every 60 seconds, if something interests them they want to know more. On a bad day it feels like wave after wave of 'attacks' and as I'm on my own I'm always in the line of fire.

nutsinmay DD is a September baby so this last few months before she starts school have almost killed me. She could have sailed into school last September but rules are rules so I've had to muddle through trying to keep her amused these last few months.

I found the year my ds was 2 to 3 so so hard. I phoned my hv nearly in years & she recommended some groups/ playground things. Every playgroup I phoned said they were full until the January when my ds would get his afternoon nursery place. One place said they had a space & to go & visit. When I got there the manager showed me round & then at he end said so we've got your details probably won't have space until January, I could have wept, had to bite my lip.
I enrolled in a peep group which was good & took him to morning playgroup but think he was getting too big.
Was amazing getting him to nursery. I said to my dh that when he is 5 with the money we're saving from childminders we could send him to private school! My teenage dd was like mum, then we'll forever have no money!
I too count down the stages. Thought get to 2 & no more nappies. Get to 3 he calms down & goes to nursery.
I now have 5 weeks left of afternoon nursery, summer hols. Then 1 year of morning nursery.....then.....school.....alleluia alleluia!
I too dread the monotony, boredom, loneliness & trying to amuse lively boy with no money at the weekend.
We have started going back to church on Sunday to break the day up. I keep thinking they are going to ask us not to come back due to ds's behaviour.
He likes to dress up all the time & running away from me is a favourite game. A few weeks ago he went dressed as Thor. Then when the priest was doing communion he started to run away dressed as little mini God. He ran past the alter shouting "you can't catch me"
I could of fucking died. I just ignored him, bowed my head & prayed to Mary to give me strength to mother my crazy boy!
All the old folk seem to live him & come from all the other pews to shake his hand!
My dd was so so easy! X