Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

I am relieved and pleased when my DH gets fed up with the DCs. Particularly if it's DD2 is being a total nightmare because she is a daddy's girl.

I'm not sure he understands or gets why I can reach the end of the day and I can no longer spend another second with any of them. I want him to experience it too because otherwise I'm completely alone, inadequate and isolated.

He gets it more now. Especially after taking a lot of time off over Xmas. He was actually quite sweet about it then which has made a huge difference. But he doesn't understand or can listen to me venting about the DCs. It makes him uncomfortable if I don't sound maternal and loving even if they've been vile. Which is why I then like it if then loses his temper with them.

But there have been some awful low points when I screamed " It's like I'm fucking starving and you're having a roast fucking dinner" when he'd gone back to bed for a nap and I was on my knees after months and months of getting no more than 2 hours sleep on the trot.

I was living in london when I had my first dc. I didn't know anybody much. I waited all one summer for a playgroup to start in the autumn and when I finally got there in September, the women ignored me totally. I gave them a mouthful and left. I was incensed.

The year my September baby ds had to wait to go to school, I took him to nursery in the morning and another nursery in the afternoon. All year. I was forever hanging around - no point going home - and foisted myself on people. At one point a woman rolled her eyes when she saw me at her door. she had invited me - 'whenever you're near, do drop in!'

I couldn't possibly work that year. There was no way I could get childcare to schlepp all over town with my boy. That was the year I was an unpaid taxi. Well, one of the years I was an unpaid taxi, anyway.

Finally the day ends and I get ready to go up for a possible epic 7 hr sleep and I drop a fecking glass on the fireplace.
Literally on my knees weeping. "Why why can't someone give me a feckkng break for once"
Dh literally gets Hoover and sends me to bed.
I feel mentally ill fgs. Total overreaction or what.
More guilt about him living with a wreck of a woman and that I'm spoiling his parenting experience.

Oh goodness, can I join?

I read the OP, jaw dropping with sweet recognition. Parenting is the best and worst of times, all mixed up - oh the sheer exhaustion of the organising/working/feeding/shopping/washing/cleaning (tho not much of the latter round here).

Whoever said it's like being the family PA was spot on. I feel I should do the lion's share because after years of FT work, I'm part time. But I know, for all of DH's exhaustion (he has a hard commute and a stressful FT job), I resent him and I resent it. Competitive tiredness? Passive aggressive mentions of it via the children (DH: 'please stop doing that DD, I've been up since 4:30 for my long commute so I can keep a roof over your head, so blah blah")? Check.

I need a break - I'm always looking after children or doing far over my hours to get the work done or sorting the house admin etc. I drink too much undoubtedly, have put on loads of weight, look an absolute mess and years of broken sleep have taken their toll.

Thanks to all for sharing your experiences on this. And I'm sorry so many of us are feeling like this.

One tip - find your people in real life. I've found some good mates after many years and the relief to have fellow parents who aren't running through meadows Timotei-style with their loveable moppets is IMMENSE.

Sorry about the glass, Ledkr - that sort of thing can feel like the shite icing on the crappy cake right?

Not an over-reaction - just another thing on top of many other things. Hope you are having a restorative kip by now.

Yes OP, my colleagues (almost all without DC) do that too, politely ask if I had a nice weekend. Maybe should use your line, "lounging around in the sun, drinking champagne, a bit of light shopping and having afternoon tea with a friend."

Or maybe " nagging and skulking around trying to avoid DC,drinking cold tea, cooking for DC who'd rather eat crisps, doing light laundry and cleaning before having an afternoon row with DH and watching trashy TV and MNetting til late, excacerbating the insomnia"

In my appraisal chat my boss asked what my career plan was for the next few years. I said "to turn up" hopefully he thought was joking.

I can barely remember the day before, or when was in work before, let alone whatever work am meant to be doing!

Oh Ledkr , you sound exhausted not mentally ill. Dh saw you needed looking after and thank God, stepped in to do so.

Gosh, just been catching up and am so struck by how similar and heartfelt our posts are. And feeling more militant feminist with every read, yy to poster who stated that ADs are too easy a solution (happy pill?) , a panacea to placate all these exhausted, downtrodden women who pitch up at their GPs. What we're speaking of is a societal problem methinks.

Yes to a support thread too! Agree something suitably cryptic- "The Strange Case of the Broken Glass in the Fireplace" perhaps? Or "What to expect after expecting"? Not do cryptic that last one. Any more for any more? Still imbibing superstrong coffee recovering from 530am start making school cakes while dc lounged in bed helped me and dh hid under the covers. Big sigh. All ended in huge row anyway and dc saying "we're not like a normal family". Again.

Dozer, your w/e sounds remarkably like mine dread them, sometimes !

At your appraisal. Am trying to finish my masters "to advance my career", currently am sapped of all ambition though. Dh gets furious with me and thinks I'm just not trying or am too negative.

Hi,
I remember when my 2 were small(19 mths between them) I was (still am )a lone parent.I remember thinking have I missed something where is the good bit? I love you but doing all this stuff for you is crap and boring.

I used to just walk to the dooor -never went out just needed to feel I could.

I am not a natural parent ,found all the need very stifling my kids are older now ,I have often faced them like they were a job(one I love very muh) But I will plan how to deal with them -god it souns like warfare!! It often felt like it.

Try and get some kip-I used control crying it was me or them-quite simply.You are not alone,I looked like I was managing ,I was hanging on by my fingernails

Gosh how astute of her sal
My dd dies fuck all to help then looks horrified when I'm stressed. It's half term here which is tough cos again its the age gap and trying to keep them happy.
And why do people think its ok to text me in the mornings.
Twice on holiday before 7 and then this morning at 7 when for the first time ever dd is sleeping later.
Yy to the cryptic title then if anyone does discover us and come to tell us we should be gratefull etc then we can see em off like a pack of angry dogs ha ha

I was so happy when my 3 dc's were young, but have really struggled with parenting in the past 4 years. I have a child with autism and a defiant and astonishingly strong willed adolescent dd. In truth there have been many times over the past few years I have found it hard to go on and felt that my life was hell,

If I hadn't had a wonderful DH and a loving wider family I would have gone under completely.

I no longer take AD's. (not the prescribed ones). St John's Wort helps when I'm having a bad month.

It's the nuclear family set up that shits on women. We evolved to live & raise children in tribes; now we often live far from family & friends are often a car ride or busy road away so it's harder to let children roam free & so be freer ourselves. Kids are then more difficult/demanding as they need more freedom (& more pressure to meet their own needs - I read something recently about hunter-gatherer children catching & cooking their own food - frogs & stuff. My 4yo whines if I make him get his own ice cream).

Loving reading this thread though sad for those of you who have it harder than I do. Yes yes yes to the person who said it's a different world when you've another adult with you - I think this is partly because it changes my focus, so I socialise with the adult & the kids do their own thing - more natural. That's a good day though. I also recognise that feeling of everything turning to shit/being out ofreach, including my friends, because of the whining and other people's shit. Curry eater I love the way you write about this.

mavisG I think you are quite right about the nuclear family being the cause of a lot of problems. And children need space to run around, we're close to a road so for the time-being the kids are cooped up in the garden. I am lucky enough to be house hunting and the area I'm looking for will give them space to play out in which I think will take the pressure off a little.

Good morning s for everyone - on the house from me.

In honour of Ledkr I'm totally up for "The Strange Case of the Broken Glass in the Fireplace" being the support thread.

I did once throw a coffee cup in exhaustion which shattered everywhere.

Mavis - and what I don't get is so often politicians go on about the nuclear family. I never got how emotionally and physically constrained that 2 children would mean. With my first baby I was alone but could go roaming as he was so portable.

Apart from DH I have no family support. Well DH's family do have occasionally come here - say once every 2 years - and do nothing to help. I am dreading my inlaws coming over - they want to come over a 6 weeks and will be absolutely no help at all. They have not spoken to me since my last visit so we are not close.

I am currently freaking out because the only way i currently get a shower is to have toddler in bath while I shower and have the baby in the bouncer seat. I won't be able to do this as Inlaws will want to hang around getting endless cups of tea.

I did have a play date the other day where the mum didn't seem to be coping her ds is exhibiting some behaviour issues - and I thought thank god someone real!!!

Love love love this thread and this support group.

After yet another night of no sleep I told my DH i am sick of our marriage and it is the lack of emotional intimacy and that I can't go on. He has suddenly jumped up and is helping this morning and says he will postpone one meeting this morning so I can get an hour break.

On phone so can't type fluently. Just MUST note:

Clutter, the Thor In Church thing is the best thing I have read in ages. Can't have been any fun at the time though.

Feelingdizzy - controlled crying "them or me" - YY. Sometimes in order to get what you need you have to take it from someone else, and they won't give it voluntarily. It is horrid to see that you are in competition with the people you love most for basic resources, but, you know, they're basic, you've got to have them, you're not getting them, where do we go from here?

Dozer "turning up" - me too! I often take solace in woody Allen saying 99% of show biz was showing up. Or something. It is at least better than not showing up, anyway.

Love you all x

I finally worked up the nerve to post on this wonderful thread and my post seems to have disappeared!

I identify very strongly with that constant feeling of being on the edge. Panic and stress. I shush my family all the time and snipe at my DH. He's a great partner and father but we both struggle with the lack of sleep.

I didn't used to be like this. I find motherhood so hard. I thought I'd be so good at it so I feel disappointed in myself.

I'm sleep deprived (3yrs now) and I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. When I meet new people or do a job interview I feel sad and frustrated that they aren't seeing the 'real' me but I'm incapable of being her anymore.

I wonder if I'd have enjoyed it all more if I wasn't sleep deprived and that makes me feel angry with my DD's for not sleeping because then its their fault I'm a shit mum.
Obviously it's not their fault but at 4am it feels like this all must be someone else's fault.

Ems it's sleep, betcha. My second child is 3mo and sleeps 6 -6! - hours in a row some nights. My first (4yo) still often doesn't. I am functioning now, my husband's knackered from dealing with the 4yo. Sleep's so important. I won't do cc but I will do all else I can - when i need to I nap at weekends, prioritise it over everything else. Our house is a shit tip but sleep comes first, and when I can't nap I just keep reminding myself that I'm doing brilliantly considering the lack of sleep.

I was born and raised a hardcore feminist, so I understand and relate to some of the stuff re feminism on this thread.

But. My DP couldn't be better with DS. He's great round the house too, though it pisses me off as his standards are higher than mine and I get nagged a lot. We have a cleaner too. DP does all the household finance and admin, and takes DS to the dentist and doctor as required. He changes nappies without being asked, does bath time every night, blah blah give the man the Victoria cross.

But I still feel shattered. I still want my life back. I still want more hours in the evening to be me. Even doing a very fair 50% of this shit is enough to push me to the edge. I read about women here who look forward to their child's third birthday, so they can send them off to nursery a few mornings a week. My DS has done four full days of nursery a week since he was six months old! I got a few sideways looks at the time but time marches on and nobody judges me now for having my toddler in nursery.

I suppose I'm saying yes, women are sold a pig in a poke when it comes to motherhood. Dp certainly doesn't have a moment of anxiety, while here I am on ADs and unlikely to be off them before my son starts his first job. But even with all things being equal on the home front... It's still fucking hard.

When I had my first dc, I was truly amazed that one person was supposed to do it all. yy I had a husband (at the time), which certainly helped a bit, but I was astonied that I was supposed to - just ONE [beleaguered] human being - do it ALL. I'd just had a baby ffs! I had also had a c/s. So I'd had major abdominal surgery and I was supposed to keep this little thing alive by breastfeeding it. Then I had to look after it and change it and wipe its bum and keep my breasts from engorging and prevent nappy rash. There was more. I needed to sleep - and sleep was the last thing I got.

I thought then that, rather than having to do it ALL, I was supposed to be in a community where women/people gathered round. Village etc. (But when my different-culture MIL insisted I pierce dd's ears at the first opportunity, that she would take my precious baby and do it when I was out, I glued pfb to my side and deeply resented the intrusion.)

Then when they were growing up and I no longer had a husband (thank goodness), I especially had to do it ALL. People steered clear because I was single and might be a 'bottomless pit'. My mum helped out now and again, my sister when she deigned to. Other than that, totally alone to do it ALL myself. Whether I had slept or not, whether I had to somehow keep a job going (just to pay the bills, nothing luxurious like a career! I had to lie at work that I was ill when it was my kids who were ill. Applying for jobs, filling out applications, filling out how many sick days I'd had in the past year...). Mow the lawn, do the paperwork, deal with school, choose schools; drive drive drive endlessly taking kids to classes/school; having a relationship with my kids predominantly through the rear-view mirror. Nobody to bounce off. Wondering, wondering if I was getting it right; at the end of my capabilities, not at all sure what I was or wasn't getting right or wrong. Grateful there wasn't an unrealiable other half to rely on.

Then surrounded by other women who had to do it ALL themselves, competing. With me, with other women. Women sneering, ignoring; cliques. Snippy because I was single (no, I'm not that desperate that I'd want your husband, thanks).

Sounding sorry for myself now (and I haven't even got round to the endless[ly expensive] legal shit with said unreliable, feckless, shitty, vile, cruel, domineering, controlling father of my children. The short arms/long pockets father of my children. the rich guy who paid stupid money to lawyers to keep us poor. The endless stunts that hurt my children so I had to step in and take the flak to protect them. Human shield).

And i wasn't even cheated on! Didn't have the world-bending agony of that - plus didn't have to hand my kids over to woman-who-stole-my-husband. Had our own house, not b&b. Kids had their own bedrooms.

MorrisZapp, yy to 50% of the shit still being too much. I posted upthread that the only thing holding me here sometimes is that if I can't take 50% of this crap I can't possibly justify leaving and dumping 100% of it on DH. If he behaved as though it were all my job and he was doing me a favour by helping out, I would have been gone long ago.

I also think people don't acknowledge enough how much breastfeeding a baby demands of you, and agree with the poster above who said formula is a minor feminist miracle. I breastfed because I thought I should and wound up with a bottle refused. I felt beyond trapped - I still can't think about the period between 6 and 9 months, after I'd gone back to work but before we managed to night wean DS, without feeling sick and shaky.

Sorry, that should be 'bottle refuser' - bloody tablet!

Yep, mental health taken a real battering here, though was probably predisposed to anxiety/ depression. I probably should have done something about it after DC1 but family/ friends didn't believe that anything was wrong - but they didn't offer any support either, just an expectation that I should suck it the fuck up.

When I was really close to breaking and finally got myself some ADs after DC2, DH declared he was disappointed with me, and that 'other people have more than one kid and cope, so you should too, you're not special'.

Despite him being brilliant since that very low point its very hard to forgive that. Plus, given that this thread currently runs to 15 pages, I suspect it's all bull shit: we are not all breezing through motherhood as the most amazing experience ever. I love my DC but when I've spent at least half the day literally cleaning up piss and shit and bins and dishes....no, its not fucking magical.

YY to 'it was them or me' regarding CC.

And yy to breastfeeding being demanding. Nobody tells you that BF sends your hormones absolutely batty. Which does not help if your mental health is already under pressure.