Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Yeah no bloody guilt either or smuggers

I want to come back to this partners thing, Chubfuddler.
And Pirhana.

You can ltb - but it hasn't come to that for me (yet). Is that what you are suggesting, Chub?

Or you can do as Pirhana says - but you can't. You may not acknowledge this, but you are doing what you do with your dp by agreement. It is not the shouting "you are not doing your job!" that is the magic bullet - it is the agreement in the first place that part of his job is to securely get you a certain amount of peace and quiet. If you don't have that, it doesn't matter how many ear plugs you get or how many incisive terms of phrase you use, you just don't have the contract to invoke. It's the contract, not the invocation.

So are we back to ltb?

Would rather not.

Now DH works away realise ow much I did and actually it is easier without him tbh.

Have threatened to leave but to where and with what!

if we do have a quiche with a quiche-name and everything please please please please can we not have "mums" in the title. I would rather be a Deranged Mother of Psychic Hell than any sort of "mum". "mums" as a collective noun makes me want to rampage around with a splurge gun that shoots sudocrem.

When my kids were little they went to a state nursery. they only had the place for the year. After the summer holidays (please.help.me.God), I tipped up at the nursery. They said 'you don't have a place this year'. I just looked at them. They must have seen the despair because they took my kids.

And the staggered entry to reception ! ! ! FFS! What the FUCK are we supposed to do with a staggered entry! All day, every day, please. My smallest ds was born in September and was desperate for f/t school when the time came. He was staggered until fucking December ffs. Which HUGELY frustrated us both

With my youngest I had PND. I remember the agony of sitting with him and playing aeroplanes. I just couldn't do it but had to do it. It truly was the most agonising thing.

When I decided to return to acting when DS was about 7months old I can't tell you the relief. Heading out for rehearsals meant I positively skipped down the road. Oh, and to have a drink in the pub afterwards like a normal person It was well worth the bags under the eyes.

Truth be told, the older DS gets) there are to reach. It is slightly easier. I say slightly as unbeknownst to me (at least) no-one TELLS you about the "other" gazillion milestones (aside from walking/talking. Each set is just replaced with another

I mentioned this on another thread but I used to count how many years were left until DS was 18. So when he was 2 I was thinking "RIGHT, I only (arf) have to do this x8 more times until he's 18...."

The sentence I have in my head for next time dp starts to tell me everything that is wrong with me is, "so just leave, and send money. goodbye" I think he knows this as we have not spoken this evening and I don't think we will.

On some level he "knows" - not properly consciously knows, but sort of "knows" - that I hold him together, that he is benefiting from my labour. he told me a story about a single man who died and left a filthy flat full of bottles and loneliness and squalor and talked about a "fear of ending up like that". Why? what fear? If every fucker in the world hated me I would have a clean and tidy flat and my insurance policies in labelled, alphabetical files. If I had no family - the "alone" he fears - my clothes would be hung up in order of season and hue and I would have a fucking window box with herbs in it and I would play cards and be in choirs and sew and read every book in the world. Yes, I would drink a bit too much sometimes, but not too often, because I would be sleeping and eating properly and would take care of myself and my home. I know this, because I have lived alone and that was what it was like. When he shared this fear I knew that on some level he knows that my time, my labour, is between him and chaos and squalor, and it is diminishing me.

Well I left mine, although there was worse than just leaving me to it with the children constantly (although he did - funny how much time he had to spend working at weekends - avoiding family responsibilities basically).

I'm sorry if you think "leave the bastard" is a MN cliche, which it seems you do. I just find it depressing how much of a MN cliche it is that there are intelligent, capable women wearing themselves into the ground whilst life carries on for their partners as if the children were hardly even there.

THanks so much for starting this post. I have put on my computer and this is a godsend.

I struggle with 2 children and am on mat leave.

I find by about 4pm each day I am completely exhausted.

DH works long hours and really does not get that I need a break at all.

Today I am sick so I let both children go to bed at 5pm - even though I know I will pay later. I then try get sleep.

DH comes home at 7.30 pm even though I was begging him to take an emergency leave day since yesterday and he knows I have not slept a wink last night.

Guess what - he is asleep!

So no housework - I'm so so exhausted.

(sorry about my random posts not linked in any sense to the direction of the thread. it is so good to get this shit out!)

Apparently, my mother, when I was a baby (I was born with another baby), begged my dad not to leave her and go to work. We were 4th and 5th children. The other 3 went to aunts and grandmas for about a month. This was back in the day.

My dad said today that when I was a baby, I never had a dirty nappy. I asked him who washed all those cloth nappies that there was no need for him to change so regularly. He looked at me blankly.

Perhaps we could call the thread

"Is it 18o'clock yet?"

springymater I read on mn that they can not force you to have a staggered reception you can insist your child goes from day 1 at normal school hours.

Chub, I don't think "ltb" is just a silly cliche and have argued passionately in its favour on here.
One of my friends has recently ltb and I am really happy for her.
I honestly think that some men are just programmed to expect women to serve them and if you find yourself with one there is nothing you can do but ltb. I harbour the hope that not only does that give the individual woman some freedom, but works towards a changed situation where men recognise that they have to deserve relationships by being nice.

However I am still resisting that my bastard has to be left.

jollyhappy, you don't sound it if you don't mind me saying so.
Welcome

Thank you for the warm welcome

I am going to wake up DH and insist he help me out more!

I am going to insist he take some days off work just so I can go and get a hair cut and go the doctors and go for a swim and read a book.

I know it will only be a temporary fix and I know he can't have both of them as I am bfing so he won't really know how tough it is but I am sick of asking for help and not getting it.

we have no other family help. Sick sick sick of it and I'm going to do something about it. My mental health is not worth risking anymore.

Good for you, jollyhappy.
I remember those bfing days. Begging for help for a hair cut. Getting a cold and panicking about how bad it might get.

btw, it doesn't end at 18 o'clock.

Just saying.

Why do we carry on?

We should own tools and start a revolution!

NOOOOO! Don' tell me that!

I'm bloody relying on that

Springymater you are so right!

My youngest has been coughing on and off or the last hour- is there any
point going to bed!

I agree with Chubfuddler. A lot of the problem seems to come from partners.
Sometimes I feel mine doesn't pull his weight but either it isn't as unbalanced as in some of your homes or it doesn't affect me in the same way. I don't know which.

I also agree that it can be so much down to personality of DCs.
One of ours has a strong personality and also likes to spend time at home. So many times when there's something interesting on nearby and it wasn't that DCs idea to go, the child will fly into a rage when it's time to stop whatever we're up to and get ready to out. Of course, when we're out they'll usually have a whale of a time but it's so much effort to get out that I often I don't just bother. DH and the other child are usually happy to potter at home and there are so many places we have to go: school, grandparents etc that I save my energy for those occasions. I'm wondering if this is what has turned me into a homebody.

Anyway, I'm not sure I belong on here because despite the above, I mostly find my children easy and a joy. I've had my moments of feeling like tantrumming and actually tantrumming, but the feelings don't linger. I'd actually forgotten about some of it until I read this thread. But I agree that it would be very helpful to many to have a more permanent thread than one in chat.

Curry: Mine also with the life-falling-apart.

I left him, and his life fell apart. We share the kids 50/50 (beucase he promised he would never send money, and has been true to his word).

Now he pays for cleaners / gardeners / cooks / electricians / therapists. Because I did it all, obviously. I'm fine, thanks, and yes, everything is ordered, the evenings are quiet, and everything is neatly dusted. I have a nice new man but I am soooo wary of being needed by anyone else, that I have no desire to upset my equilibrium.

I don't miss the children when they aren't with me. I just tidy and enjoy the quiet.

Begging for help for a hair cut. Getting a cold and panicking about how bad it might get

Sorry, curry , but that just ain't right...

I get so scared of being ill now as I know I wont get a break no matter how crappy I feel. Dh on the other hand recently had 8 days in bed, uninterupted, as he had a bad stomach. I had the same thing a week later, and was allowed a morning (and that was with DS1 jumping on me and asking for me to play, and having to 'just watch the baby for a min'.

I'm so glad this thread was started, will go back now and read the whole thread, and if I can gather the few braincells I have left together to make a coherant post I will..

I just wish someone had warned me how it could be, I feel a bit short changed