Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Yeah agreed mercury, I was on a bad path, wrong guy, parting, drink & drugs & my dd totally transformed me. I sort of became the person that my family had tried to help me become. I got the courage to leave a very abusive partner & my dd really helped me to find my way. I think I need to remember that!

'Partying'

Oh gosh, yes, OP, absolutely.

whosiwhatsit: I think it's good to see that the grass isn't greener. I envy my child-free friends. The depressing thing is, I always wanted children. I would have gone crazy if I hadn't had them. And now I have them, I am just unhappy. For like, 20 years... I feel awful about it. I'm probably a totally shit person. I'm happy to accept that conclusion. But it doesn't change how I feel.

I drink too much as well. Valium has always been 'mother's little helper'.... now I suspect it's cheap red wine...

whos sorry about your situation. Don't think I'm not gratefull for my chikdren because I am. I hope you find some peace in what you have been dealt x
springy my older boys are often a worry for me stil. Two are fairly addicted to weed and are mostly wasting their lives stoned in dead end jobs (ds3 is a great chef but stays in a job way beneath him) I'm always worried for them.
Ds2has kidney failure and even in his 20s needs a fair amount of support with appointments and finances. I have to remind him about medication etc.
Exhausted isnt the world and now bedtime is going tits up.
I would like to drink every night but I know I'd be an alcoholic within weeks.

Every time I come back to this thread, there is more and more that resonates with me.

The poster who threw a chair through the window - I can COMPLETELY understand how you get to that stage; I have felt it many, many times.

The dds still talk about the time I went into the kitchen, closed the doors and screamed at the top of my lungs because I was so bloody sick of the demands and whinging.

I am also sorry for you all, because it's so hard to feel lonely and isolated when you are struggling.

Coming back to this thread...

Just me then on the "standing stock still frozen with fear while DS is running and there's a sight hazard"?

curry I feel your pain and am for you. I get it. DH is seemingly incapable of picking up a phone, he is computer/email illiterate therefore 100% of anything admin-y is dealt with by me. I have bought two houses for us, rented out one, changed all utilities. I could go on but you get the gist. Anything that needs sorting out is done by me. Added on to everything else child related.

Curryeater's posts particularly resonate with me.
The sheer boredom of the first years.
The exhaustion.
The anger towards dh.

Our dc are now 10 and 8, and gosh things do improve massively. And for us they started to get better when we moved back to Italy where our friends and family live.

Isolation is a parent's worst enemy.

This thread humbles me. thank you all for such great writing about such very difficult things.

I know work has been very good for me. I struggle to fit everything in but I know it would be worse without work to go to. I went back to work when dc1 was 9 months and the relief I felt the first time I left her with the CM was incredible. I walked back home with the empty pram, marvelling and boggling and feeling strange and apprehensive but very very light. It turned out that she got on very well at the CM's very quickly, and 2 days with dp went ok too, so I had this incredible sense of not being this irreplaceable fulcrum and it was marvellous.

I am grateful to the poster who said first about the anger and resentment of her dp because I think one of the things that is gradually becoming clearer to me is that anger is something that hurts the angry one. So to be made to be angry is to be hurt. You cannot choose not to be angry with a constant irritant in the way that you can choose not to be annoyed by a dickhead on the train. Then, my dp treats my anger as a violent act against him, and punishes me for that.

So the whole thing evolves into a 3-part psychic injury: first, the actual injustice; second, the anger I live with which hurts me and holds me back; third, the punishment I must receive for my anger.
I think this is at the root of a lot of my problems.

So much on this thread resonates with me too....

For me, these days, it's how bored I am & how guilty I feel for being irritable with my DC.

My marriage ended last year, due to ExH affair. The sheer terror at being a single parent was engulfing - until I realised how much I did & how little he did. He wasn't awful but sometimes I just felt so pissed off that I had to think of everything & he just went to work (which when I went back after having DD1, it was frankly, a bloody doddle in comparison to looking after her).

Now, I realise that in some ways, it's easier - I am responsible for everything, so I don't get wound up by the lack of support he gave me. But, in doing everything - I don't achieve anywhere near as much as I'd like - my garden is an embarrassing jungle, DD1 sometimes doesn't complete all of her reading homework & I feel like I'm treading water with the housework.

I don't work - I'm desperate for a job, but I'm struggling to find part-time teaching work. I need & crave adult company so much.

I have a new man, which is great. But it's like I don't belong in any group these days - my friends have their family time & the time with the new man is spent around people who don't have kids. I get a taste of what it could be like to be free of the grind & I'm ashamed to say that I don't miss my kids at all when their dad has them.

I love them dearly. My life is lacking in balance & trying to get a life whilst having limited funds & babysitters & a partner to share it all - it's tough.

I get time to be me - I'm lucky. I do get lie-ins. But I miss having someone to share the kids with - share the parenting, the days out.

The kids are lovely - DD1 though is relentless in not taking no for an answer - grinds you down. DD2 is coming up to the terrible twos & I hated that time with DD1 - the thought of coping on my own makes me so bloody depressed at times.

And yes to the guilt - I'm far more shouty since being a single parent than I ever was. I feel inadequate, trapped & there are times when I feel like I didn't sign up for this......

I have three boys, a just-four year old and two and a half year old twins. I had a tricky pregnancy both times, after gruelling ivf and a tricky delivery which literally nearly killed me. I'm in my 40s and come to all this late, and I'm exhausted despite having help.
It's the relentlessness, the monotony, the being outnumbered all the time that gets to me. I would love to take my children on lovely activities etc but they run off in opposite directions. I feel constantly judged because of the way I manage them. I say manage because that's what it is. The lack of empathy I feel from other parents still knocks me sideways. Eg group play dates at the swimming pool - cant do it. Play date at the natural history museum - how? How? My twins would have to be strapped in a buggy all day, let alone the thought of the tube with a double pram.
Many of my mum- friends had a more sensible gap so they are just on baby#2. They can meet, their 4 year olds play nicely, the babies sit on the floor. But we don't get invited as much because instead of a baby on the floor, it's twins running round at full tilt.
My husband works long hours but he's well liked and respected, and there is variety in his job. Pre kids I had an equally successful career which medical issues will prevent me returning to. So unless I retrain, this SAHM thing is as good as it gets.
My children squabble and fight all the time to the point that I can't even turn my back on my 4 year old as he is hell bent on hurting his brothers. I feel so terrible that I'm wishing away the time till they're all in school/nursery but it has to be better than this as all anyone gets now is the burnt out dregs.
They wake at 6 without fail and on Sunday I had all 3 whilst MrChipped had a lie in. I couldn't let them into the garden as they make a huge racket so they were all in the house with me. One of my twins is very clingy and just wants to be touching me All The Time and after over two hours of being dragged at, I lost the plot and ran upstairs to my husband to tell him I couldn't cope. I started slamming the door and I just couldn't stop. I scared myself. DH shouted that I was a useless mother and told me to leave but I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. To his credit DH left me there and sorted the house and the kids and we had a talk. I'm on v low dose citalopram but I'm going back to get the dose raised. I've never been like this before. I was shit hot at my job, very senior and now I can barely string a sentence together. I love my boys with every fibre and its a huge relief to read this thread and be able to express how frigging hard it is!!!

I am so reassured to hear others feel the same as me. Sometimes I think what my life might have been like without my kids. I never really wanted children and ironically I am the only one among my friends who has. Oh the irony.

Like many other poster I had a responsible and well paid job, a life, I used to travel. How did the highlight of my week be a da a TV show is on!

Like another poster said I do not even look forward to weekends now as to be honest it is like any other working day. Me the kids and DH home but me still parenting-dealing with squabbles and shouting etc!

I feel so obliged to care for them, but no one else does! You feel beyond exhausted almost without feeling .....

I too hate weekends. Same shit, less childcare and playground and I also have to factor in DHs wishes. When his wishes include changes to The Routine I go bananas!
And I drink too much. And I don't care enough about it to do anything because the thought of not bring able to defragment each evening with a glass of wine, is scary.

So true about the weekends. When I get to work and I'm asked my child-free colleagues: "How was the weekend?" I just want to say: "The same shitty grind as every other weekend."

*playgroups not playground

Just a thought but we could all move to another thread after this one for support.
We could share positive stories (if they happen) and exchange tips.
I'm going to try and make life more enjoyable. I had bloody cancer years ago so I should be enjoying my life.
I decided today after this thread that what would really help is a cleaner.
We aren't rich but I'm thinking twenty pounds a week to have my hoovering done and bathrooms wiped over.
Good idea?

Yes Ledkr. What exactly are we saving for, anyway? Better to have slightly more bearable life now than a cruise when we're sixty (if we're not dead or in prison...). :)

Thanks, dozer, I keep trying to tell myself stuff like that, but it is hard to believe! And I find myself not taking opportunities, because I see something and think, well, pre-baby ragged could have done that, but I just don't have the mental capacity. Although apparently it is my feelings of competence and not ambition that are affected -- I had a review yesterday where I found myself asking about promotion! So maybe as long as I keep 'pretending' things will be okay...

I'm an introvert too, but at 13mo DD doesn't quite seem like a person yet, so when I'm with her I still feel 'alone'. I imagine that won't last much longer.

mini that's something I'm worried about, school. I also hate rules, and DH can get really mad at stuff, and I find I'm trying to explain something I don't believe in just to keep him in check. I've talked about home ed with DH, but more in the sense of 'something we probably couldn't do'. I think I could probably handle it, but since I'm the one with a job, I won't have the time. DH is finishing his degree, but health issues mean he will likely never work more than part-time, so I really have to keep my career going to support us.

I have to say an awful lot of you sound as though your do called partners are the problem. You've no idea how much less stressful it is to be a single parent.

Great idea Ledkr (both of them)

Well done for beating cancer, you are a force to be reckoned with - don't let a bit of red hair get to you!

Good idea ledkr for a dedicated thread. Earth mothers barred

Very true about weekends. Every Sunday night I could weep with the feeling of not having had a break or a rest.
Dh works most if them and Sundays dd1 goes to her dads so Sundays are bloody awful just me and a two year old. Nothing to do nobody to speak too. I feel depressed just thinking of it.
I'm often joyfull at the knowledge of a local fete I can attend.
How feckkng pitifull is that?
I made a promise to go out Saturday evenings but I'm too tired.

Ooo a mad mums quiche!

Cleaner is a great idea.

I can hear my you youngest cough, cough, coughing as I type as we are on our millionth cold this year. They do not even leave you alone when they have gone to bed!

I cannot believe how I got to this point, sometimes when DH gets home at the end of the week I would like to hand them over and leave for a week away. I have dedicated my life to these kids and I really have very little contact with old friends any more so this is it.

I have told DH but it falls on deaf ears, he is a kind man and listens and listens but I bore myself sometimes!! Then the next day off he goes, and I am left to get on with it.

I have frightened myself with my temper on occasions as my real thoughts must bubble up. I do seem to have a running commentary in my head sometimes about what I would like to say but stop myself (most times) as it is not the children's fault.