Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Wow I am so pleased to find this thread. I had only said to DH last night that I felt exhausted and burnt out after eight years of parenting. (Have two DC 8 and 5 but have been SAHM and main co ordinator the whole time)

It has got especially bad now husband works away during the week. I want to work but someone has to keep an eye on everything at home as although kids getting more independent they still need quite a lot of physical stuff.

They DO NOT STOP TALKING. It is constant, they are lovely kids- bright and cheerful but I am sick of listening and responding positively to EVERYTHING they say........

Parenting has affected my MH most definitely, I am sure I will look back in time more fondly but at the moment as DH is away I feel it is survival and waiting for them to p* off to bed (not every day but a lot more than is probably helpful!)

when my kids were little we lived in a tall house. I was on the top floor - I heard them clomping up the stairs and I hid in the wardrobe. I was desperate for peace.

I was also completely manic about bedtimes. I needed that time so desperately and I couldn't have any mucking about. They had to go to bed and that was that. I was not a nice mummy if they came down. NOt horrible, just not nice at all

While I was cooking their supper, I also got squiffy on cooking sherry on a few occasions - yes, that old chestnut. Realised it was getting out of control and stopped.

Here's the biggest confession (probably why my kids are so vile): I left ds downstairs to eat his breakfast before school. You know how mornings have to be executed with military precision. he was at the table in his sleeping bag ( ). I got myself suitable (ie not in pyjamas) and came downstairs, expecting all to be done and us practically out the door - time was tight. He was staring into space, breakfast not eaten. 'What are you doing?' I said - 'I was waiting for you to push in my chair' he said. At which I threw a chair through the window [crushed with guilt for ever and ever and ever on that one]

Mind you, it shows I was right at the very very end of my endurance. You have to hide this stuff and carry on. You have to carry on even when you're dead physically, emotionally, psychologically.

I heard the joke -
How do you know Jesus was a woman?
She rose from the dead.

springymater, can identify with that - I remember hiding from my eldest when she was about three in the converted attic - only briefly but I desperately need two minutes away from the constant asking "Why", arguing, whining and tantrums.

When my youngest was born, my eldest was 13 and VERY difficult. I don't know how I survived. My eldest dd rebelled big time at the same time my youngest dd was starting with toddler tantrums and still not sleeping through the night. My solution was in the end to go to work and put youngest in nursery. I managed that for a year and loved getting to work and just putting my family out of my mind and getting on with work. Unfortunately my eldest then started self-harming and I felt I had to be home again to keep an eye on things and be there for her, so I stopped working.

hm32
I'm not sure this was the right place for you to post that.
We are using this as a safe place to admit we feel a bit crap.
I could have written your exact post 3 years ago as my other four were very calm adaptable children who literally just fitted in around my life.
However dd2 has been a very different experience.
Born with medical problems and a very strong personality she has turned my life upside down.
Fitting in with our life simply wasn't an option.
She needs routine and an awful lot if attention.
If she even misses a nap my life will be a misery all day and night.
With respect one soundingly easy baby is hardly comparable to some of the people on here who are struggling.
Great that you are finding it so positive but some of us aren't.

When my first was little, i couldn't cope with her. she was - and still is - very demanding. I got a job in fashion retail. I put her with a childminder. dd was horrified and refused to speak to me for a week. She was about 18 months at the time. I lost weight, looked glam, and forgot I was a mum for a few days a week. All my wages went on childcare and taxi to and fro. It was worth it. I always had the same taxi driver and he played lovely music. I remember Gypsy Kings full blast and I felt alive and in the land of the living - that music always brings back a sense of freedom for me.

re Gypsy Kings - a sense of freedom tinged with guilt, it has to be said.

I still feel a bit guilty about all the freedom I have with my delightfully empty nest

DD was a lovely placid baby.

She's, erm, rather challenging now (she's 4, tbf) there was about six months where crossing the road in the 'wrong' place (where she wanted to cross was difficult with the pushchair) resulted in such epic tantrums I would have to drag her by the sleeve the rest of the way home/out. Twice a day. Every day.

I can hear her right now having a tantrum because she wants to see me and I am having a rest (dh is home) because I'm ill.

This is the relentless part to me. How can I feel rested when I can hear her stropping?

I remember that feeling of rising panic that I'd get if they started to bicker when they were little.

Even now (with them early and mid 20's) I feel anxious if I'm with them both, if they argue I feel like crying

I don't. I've done my time!

My kids are currently horrific but there is a huge part of me that is so glad they're off somewhere in the blue yonder. I've had a breakdown over it (back to MH theme) but I'm also glad I don't have to deal with their shit. Other people are dealing with their shit, from what I've heard. I know they're safe - or as safe as they can be, if you like - which is a huge relief. I can wash my hands. I can't wash my heart, that's another thing altogether....

When they moan and complain and snipe like entitled little shits , I think 'get over yourselves! I gave you everything I had, down to my boots. I scraped the cupboard bare to the very bare bones. What more do you want??' If what I did isn't good enough, then too bad. They're bloody lucky they got me, tbf.

I agree with ledkr: this really is not the thread to come and say you've got it cracked, hm32. I feel a bit guilty having posted on here when I see how much harder some other posters have it, but I feel immensely relieved (as well as a bit sad) to see that I'm not alone and others are struggling too.

I think PND is probably over-diagnosed: it's a real and serious thing but I suspect a lot of women are told they have it when they're actually reacting rationally to the crap hand life has dealt them and the fact that wider society puts no value on caring work (and even denies that it is work at all).

Curry love the bit about Mentally totting up the workloads!!

Hm32 I think most of us here have more than one child, am I right in thinking you have one? I felt similarly to you when I had one.

Now I have two, and the eldest is starting school. It's different. The coordination if it all along with now being in a bigger house, working etc. It's not so simple.

Springy, perhaps it's more of a feeling of surprise that life can feel so relaxed, I think I coped with having kids by digging in and lowering my expectations of life.

I do feel that I 'ought' to no longer have a duty of care for them, but it feels like I'm going against the tide in a culture where people live with their parents for so long.
My son maintains that all his mates live with their folks, he often tells me that he thinks he's not eating well, I think he lives in hope that I'll show up to his place with a duster in one hand and frying pan in another.
I do go and see him but I ignore the mess..he probably spends half an hour making it messier before I get there.
I dont know why he has that attitude, surely anyone can see I am all out of maternal instinct

Well I am a "career woman" with no children as I met my husband later in life and am now not physically well enough to have children. I was almost in tears coming home from work on the train today because there was a group of little girls on their way home from a school day out and they were just so adorable and sweet and made me wish so much I had been able to have a child. This after my colleague going through loads of pictures of his own children today and telling me all about how wonderful and amazing they are. I felt happy for him but at the same time ... well it's hard not to feel a bit worthless sometimes.

To be honest this thread has helped me feel a bit better about my own situation. Not at all that I am happy to read about others unhappiness but just to know that things are not all rosy on the other side of the fence.

I suppose there's no such thing as a perfect life, there's only trying to make the best of what we've got.

It's back to school ledkr - answer the q.

You wouldn't get a mark for that answer

oh no! hm32 I meant!

See, you can see why I got my parenting totally wrong can't you.

is it harder do you think if you have 'a life' before children, I mean a good job, a good income etc.
I had children in my early 20's, early on in a relationship, naively didnt really think about the consequences.

Had I been in my 30's with more to loose I'm not sure if I'd have even wanted children...surely this will be the case more and more as women wait a bit before having a family.
Lots will weigh it up and think 'nah..whats in it for me?'

I would love to be welcome with a duster and a frying pan! I specifically had to rein in all that maternal stuff went they went to uni. When pfb wasn't eating properly at dance school, I seriously considered sending frozen meals through the post. I knew I couldn't do that but I so wanted to.

ungrateful little brats my kids

whosiwatsit, sorry to hear you're having a hard time. We're all trapped in different ways: the narrative that you've failed if you don't have children is as pernicious as the one that having children should be marvellously fulfilling and if it isn't...you've failed. Basically it's a Daily Mail world where a woman's place is in the wrong pretty much whatever.

Interesting point, Mercury7. I was 35 when DS was born, and although I've found it tough and I'm completely unsuited to it (had him to please DH, who thankfully is a great parent) I think I would have fallen to pieces altogether if I'd had him in my 20s. Having an established career and a reasonable income makes it manageable in a way it wouldn't have been when I was a young trainee.

Thanks, Dogs, I think you're right and that life is pretty tough for most women no matter what our situations are w.r.t. having children or being childless. There's always going to be someone or something telling us we're not good enough no matter what we do, and that can either come from society, the media, or a nagging voice inside that something isn't right. And mostly I'm fairly satisfied i suppose but we all have our moments.

Mercury, I've thought this a few times. I was pregnant with my dd at 20 & had her a month after my 21st. I found her a breeze. It was like I was playing house & it was a but if a game. It was novel to put a wash on ' hang all her little clothes out on the line. He was a great baby & everyone oohed and Ahhed & I loved every minute. I rented my flat, went to college to do child care & got a bursary. I had money which was great. I still saw my friends & had a life & my daughter fitted in with me. I then did my nursing degree, bought a house, got married & had my son with a 10 year gap.

I have really really struggled with my son as we are crippled with mortgage payments. I now wish I ha ha fun in my 20's instead of playing house. It not waited 10 years & my children were closer in age.

My auntie went travelling all round the world in her 20's and waited until she was 35 & 37 to have her boys. It hit her hard, she really struggled during those first few years as her life changed so much. Her boys are now 10 & 8 & she has managed to push herself out but for a while she went under with it all.

but mercury7 you have done your time, you deserve to enjoy your new freedom.

Isn't that something else though, sometimes we can't, admitting that you are glad its all done can make you feel guilty, simply because we are not meant to feel that way. Well maybe lots of women do but don't say.

The very bleakest time for me was when both dcs went back into school. I lost the sense of purpose and just became "mummy" again. I hate the school runs, I dislike the school making demands on my time, I can't abide following rules, I hate receiving begging letters from the head for money for things I think are a waste. I dislike having to stand in the playground and make small talk when I would rather just say "this is shit really, other things I'd rather do, other places I could be"

When we did Home ed I enjoyed my children, the freedom we all had to pick and choose how we spent the day. When they went into school I counted the hours. Maybe it was because I finally got some quiet time and just wanted more. I don't know. But I would stare out of the window wishing I could walk and walk and walk and never return.

Given another life, I would have no ties to anyone but by children, we would pack a bag and go. Its not parenting I hate but having to parent in the way that is expected by society. Its the pressures to fit in and smile, be on time, join the PTA, look neat, pay bills, service husband , cook fish fingers, keep the peace, entertain.

I suppose there are pro's and cons whichever decade you choose to have kids in...and no way of knowing how things would have turned out had you remained childless.

I may have really fu(ked up my life big time had I not children to tie me down in my 20's and 30's, when I look back I was pretty dumb at that age so who knows