After just 1 week I am loathing being a SAHM

[Prometheus]

I have DS1 who is nearly 3 and DS2 who is 4 months old. I gave up my high flying job when DS2 was born so that we could relocate in the UK. DH is now working full time and I have been a SAHM with both boys at home for a week. And I am ready to kill someone.

I hate it. DS1 has turned into a devil toddle since his baby brother was born. DS2 cries if I put him down for any length of time. Can't go to any NCT or baby related activities as I have to take DS1 with me and he is impossible to control at the moment. I spend the day pacing the living room with baby in arms whilst DS1 whines and whines. I feel like a terrible mum. Can't do many activities in the home with DS1 as baby cries if I sit down or put him down. Baby naps for no longer than 20 mins at a time. I'm trapped. Every day is hell and I cried last night at the thought of another week at home with them.

I feel so bad that I have started job hunting so I can get a job and escape - I always planned to return to work but not really while baby is so small. Now I just want to get away.

How do other SAHM cope? Or I am just not cut out to be a mum? I have no car so have to walk everywhere which means that if toddler has a meltdown I literally have to drag him through the streets home. So I don't want to go out. Any advice????

Get a sling and a buggy board so that you have options regarding transporting them.

My two have the exact same gap as yours.

It is hard work, I agree.

What does DS1 like to do? Does he go to pre-school? Do you have a garden?

I have an iCandy so can't use buggy board and baby is huge (100th centile) so I can only use a sling for about 10 minutes before my back goes.

We have a garden - DS1 likes running around it so I guess I should wrap baby up and carry him as I trudge around garden with DS1.

Toddler starting nursery three mornings a week in a couple of weeks time. So at least I'll get some time with baby and respite from toddler.

Just feel so bloody down about it all. Children crying and whining constantly and I've just lost all enthusiasm.

Just go out - even if your dc1 is awful hardly anyone will notice or care - you need some distractions - especially you and dc1. Hugs. Just throw some snacks and nappies in a bag and get out - even if you just walk to the shop and back. There are loads of people in the same boat at preschool and baby groups: just try one every day until you find something you like. Hang in there xx

Once the weather warms up a bit it will be much better. I used to sit out in the garden while DS1 charged around with DS2 asleep in the pram and read a book or MN, and pop inside to stick the dinner on.

When preschool starts you will find more of a structure, and hopefully your baby will nap a bit more reliably as they get older, although DS2 was never brilliant.

Is there somewhere you can stop off on the way home from the preschool drop off to have a coffee in peace while DS2 sleeps in the pram? And you should be able to fit in a class or a group or something while DS1 is at nursery.

Sympathies, being a SAHM can be tough, and you've jumped in feet first by starting it when you've got two - and at hard ages for them both.

Will DS1 sit and read a book with you while you give the baby their milk?

Have the same gap as you and it is hard work. I have had many a moan to DH about how he doesn't understand. It's the relentlessness of it, being mum 24-7 that gets me.

Would it be worth getting a tandem? I have a Smyths Dimples Duo. Only cost £250 inc cosy toes & rain cover etc & its been handy to get out & about when DD is too tired to walk or being a pest.

Can you get DS involved in looking after ds2? That way he might feel like he's getting more attention & his behaviour improve.

Take them to groups. Unless DS1 throttling another child etc they've seen it all before... Find a toddler group at a local church or similar, as that way DS will be entertained & you might find someone to talk to & suggest ways to help DS2.

Does DS2 cry "properly" or does he just whinge when put down? If its the latter, perhaps just leave him for a minute or 2 & see if he settles down? If not, have you checked him for reflux?

Am in the same situation - have a 5mo DD and am being a witch to DH because I hate that he gets to work and have fun and I'm stuck at home, bored and often irritated. So no advice as such, especially since I don't have a toddler - just, I understand.

Oh, except - if baby naps in pram bu any chance, pram in garden as toddler wreaks havoc?

Get out, lots of structured outings, especially parent+tot groups.
Some people are comfy as homebirds but I'm not one of them, either.

As an aside, you can use a buggy board on an icandy, it just apparently invalidates the warranty, mine is over a year old now so that doesn't bother me, but also how are they to know you have used a buggy board?

Prometheus- do you have any friends nearby with little ones? It's so much easier when you have adult company. It's really lonely. Been doing it 2 years now, although DH works from home a lot, i hate when he goes to the office i literally try everything to get him to stay.

You will fine some kind of routine to suit.
Mine was something like:

Wake up
Breakfast
Play group/another activity
Plan dinner
Home

Lunch
Naptime/1 Dc to Nursery
other Activity/Visit friend
Collect DC1
Make dinner

Failing that get a part time job if you can, I worked from home and also worked a few nights per week to break up the boredum, I also remember walking lots.

Sigh- while typing that i just had DD (2) pour cereal all over my shoes and carpet...

Get a decent sling and get out once a day.

Have a think about strategies for managing your toddler - sometimes you need to take the easy road. (I've been there).

It does get easier - I found that after 5 months, dd was happy in the pushchair so could nap her in there and she started napping in her cot for longer stretches too. I got out every day, I used tv a lot, I met friends a lot.

Nct sometimes have events for people with toddlers and babies - speak or email your coordinator and ask them. Find playgroups where you can take both.

It's not plain sailing but you might regret going back to work so soon. You don't get much chance to take this time out (my baby slept for 20 mins at a time night and day and I had a toddler but 16 months later, back at work, I miss them both like hell)

I have a similar gap although baby is only6 weeks old. I was going to do buggy board but bought a double in the end as my 2 year old is a monkey so I need to be able to strap him in. If they are driving me mad I can chuck them in the pram and escape the house for a while. Baby sleeps in the pram and toddler likes to get out of the house too.

Oh btw do you have the ergo sling? I had baby bjorn but like you DD has always been huge so the bjorn was painful to wear. Ergo is soooo much more comfy.

cbeebies

That sounds really hard. Moving to a new area with a toddler and a baby is hard work, and just getting through the day with a toddler and a baby is hard work sometimes!

If your buggy doesn't work for you, stick it on eBay and get one that does, though I have a friend who uses a lascal buggy board with an icandy and it works fine.

If your sling hurts your back, stick it on eBay and get one that works for you. I have a bad back but can still carry my 15kg 3 year old for an hour or so with a good sling. Try an ergo or similar, it has good support and will be more comfy than carrying the baby without a sling.

Find some toddler groups where your toddler can have fun while your baby sits in your lap or in a (better) sling.

Does your toddler have a balance bike or scooter? Much more fun for them than walking and means you can get somewhere at mo than a snails pace!

Find some activities that your toddler can do with just verbal input from your, my DS liked easy puzzles and duplo, I could interact while feeding the baby but he didn't need me physically.

It will get better, especially once he starts preschool. Hang on until then and then reassess.

I loathed maternity leave to start with and really missed my life, however it just took a bit of time to adjust to the otherness of it all, and most importantly to meet some like minded people. I ended up signing up to a baby massage course for want of something to do in a new area, and ended up meeting a bunch of similar career women in the same situation and it just made life not only bearable but actively fun. You'll find allies soon enough and you'll realise what a luxury it is. That said, if you really don't like it, there's no need to feel guilty about wanting to work.

Agree you need a better sling if it hurts at 4 months old. Ergo is great.
Also agree that the more you can get out the better, being at home too much would finish me off

I have a smaller gap but the sling/buggy and/or double buggy combination was a winner. Getting out of the house saved my sanity on many a day. I found things like mums and tots playgroups at the local church or surestart centre etc worked best as no one cared if the toddler ran about madly - far better than a music group or something sedentary. Best of luck - stay at home parenting is really intense. Try to get some time for you, too - go to the gym when your DH gets home, go and have a walk or grab a coffee. It's very easy to get lost in SAH mothering (I did) and its really important to keep in touch with yourself and rejuvenate.

i have the same gap, though mine are now 5 and 2. get out. every day if possible. doesnt matter where - library, feed ducks, toddler group etc just get out. you need it for your own sanity.

i became a SAHM last year, giving up work and honestly for the first few months (jan - apr) i couldnt believe that i had given up a very good job which i didnt actually like that much any more for something so awful. then i gradually got out more - filled up the diary and the days seemed a lot easier. it did take a very long time for me to adjust though and even now, some days are harder than others. a week in really isnt that long. its like a new job you're learning in a way, and new jobs take time to settle into.

the way i looked at it was, i would do it for a bit and then if i really hated would look for something else one of those magical school hours only jobs. nothing is un-doable. as it is, baby no 3 is on the way and i cant see myself having time to work!

I think you definitely need a double buggy.

Nothing to add to the alreadt good suggestions, but which Icandy do you have? I have an apple and whilst Icandy say don't use a buggyboard, I have a Lascal Maxi on mine and it is fine. Lascal website shows compatability. Most Icandys can be used as doubles, so the chassis must be able to cope with the weight, despite what Icandy say. Hope you get sorted. I have the same age gap and it was tough, but a year on, things are much easier mainly because I am back at work so someone else is looking after them ;-)

Same gap here. I found children centre groups best as more spare adults to help with DS1 when I was feeding Ds2. But most important was get out important the morning, tire out the eldest and Thst's makes afternoons more bearable as happy to do quieter activities.
I had worked ft until 2 days before Ds2's arrival so pretty much in at deep end like you. all the best.

There is no law to say women have to enjoy being a SAHP. If you don't, go back to work.

it is hard, I still remember it (mine are now 14 and 11). Plan some things for yourself too. Escape on Saturday morning, assuming you have someone to help. Just a soak in the bath with wine and a book for an hour? It will get better.