After just 1 week I am loathing being a SAHM

[Prometheus]

I have DS1 who is nearly 3 and DS2 who is 4 months old. I gave up my high flying job when DS2 was born so that we could relocate in the UK. DH is now working full time and I have been a SAHM with both boys at home for a week. And I am ready to kill someone.

I hate it. DS1 has turned into a devil toddle since his baby brother was born. DS2 cries if I put him down for any length of time. Can't go to any NCT or baby related activities as I have to take DS1 with me and he is impossible to control at the moment. I spend the day pacing the living room with baby in arms whilst DS1 whines and whines. I feel like a terrible mum. Can't do many activities in the home with DS1 as baby cries if I sit down or put him down. Baby naps for no longer than 20 mins at a time. I'm trapped. Every day is hell and I cried last night at the thought of another week at home with them.

I feel so bad that I have started job hunting so I can get a job and escape - I always planned to return to work but not really while baby is so small. Now I just want to get away.

How do other SAHM cope? Or I am just not cut out to be a mum? I have no car so have to walk everywhere which means that if toddler has a meltdown I literally have to drag him through the streets home. So I don't want to go out. Any advice????

Sorry, I didn't read your posts properly, Prometheus.

Just how out of control is your dS1?

You could look at the outings when he is difficult as an important part of his socialisation, he may not improve unless you take him and then eventually when he's at nursery you can still take the baby & have a social time yourself.

Agree. S1 needs some focus somehow. Why is he so wild ?

"Can't go to any NCT or baby related activities as I have to take DS1 with me and he is impossible to control at the moment."

No one will judge you.

Being out will distract him and you.

Also, even if you never learn to love being a SAHM, that does not mean you aren't cut out for motherhood.

We all have different strengths. :)

I loved being off with one, hated it with two. I wouldn't rush backk to work just yet, but if you can at all afford it, i would get a babysitter to give you a break dayside a couple of times a week to either spend time alone, or time with one child at a time.

It is hard at the start especially with a baby who isn't great at being out down. It will get easier with the baby, once they can sit unaided and eat a load of chocolate buttons rice cake they're not so 'attached' to you.

I also agree that you have to get out with ds1. At that age they have so much built up energy and it needs using up. Hopefully a park is more of an option now it's a tiny bit warmer. Def look at options of a cheap double buggy, I had no joy with slings either with dc3 as she was gigantic quite big.

And when all else fails repeat "this too shall pass".

Aw, I so understand how you feel. We moved to DH's home country when DDs were 2 and 6 weeks. It was hell initially. Really.

Things that saved me were:
Double buggy, making outdoor time possible
DD1 starting preschool (albeit part time)
Moving house to a neighbourhood where I had genuinely nice, open, involved neighbours. These ladies who were on mat leave at the same time as me saved my life. Sometimes literally I think. I cried on their shoulders many times.

I didn't do baby & toddler groups much. I found them too stressy and hated being torn between controlling DD1 and comforting DD2.

I don't want to sound all preachy, but what helped me was starting to walk. Big time. Proper full-on power walking with DD2 strapped in and wrapped up against the harah scandinavian cold. Best cure for any kind of blues that might be brewing. And I say that as someone who is allergic to most forms of exercise.

Actually, I wonder if I know you from a place where we once lived before. If you are who I think (all mysterious) then feel free to message me when you need to let off steam. I truly understand what you are going through.

Thank you for all the advice. Started nursery induction today (he will go 3 mornings a week as of next week) and it went well although he wouldn't give one of the cars back so we ended up taking it home. Then a 30 minute tantrum at home, then swimming which was nice, then a meltdown in Asda. Then I gave up and let him watch Cbeebies for 2 hours.

I get upset when I see how naughty my lovely little boy can be...he puts on a really 'evil' screwed up face then throws something or hits his baby brother and it is obvious he is doing it on purpose. He has changed so much in the past few months

Ergo sling won't work as baby needs to face out or he cries

I know I just need to get on with it. Just feels like life is one long hard slog with an hour respite when they are in bed and before I go to bed and start the night feeds.

I dunno.....just rambling really.

You will be fine! Its just such a tough time. Everyone has to adjust. My two fight loads, but love eachother loads. Quite soon - sooner than you think - you will start to see the advantage of having two, even if you spend most of the time refereeing!

If I'm being honest, there was a part of me that just found life hard and boring when my kids were that age.

I don't think the weather is doing you any favors.

I really feel for you.

Of course you are cut out to be a mum. You've just had to make lots of adjustments. Nothing wrong with working if you want to. All the other advice about double buggies etc will probably help too.

I really feel for you. I have just moved to Australia from the UK - had a lovely part time job which I enjoyed and my kids were very actively involved in their respective schools and activities (they are 8 and 4).

Now I am a SAHM with baby number 3 due in 9 weeks. My kids are v bored and playing up - even at their ages (!) - so I think the behaviour of your 3 year old is totally normal given what he has experienced. I have managed to get my kids both into school within six weeks of arriving which was not the plan, but certainly has taken the pressure off me. DS still at home with me 2 days one week and 3 days the other, then obviously both after school every day, which I am finding tooo much as they were previously busy with friends and activities meaning that so much downtime is hard to fill - they are watching a lot of TV and I feel guilty but unable to entertain them. I also now have only 9 weeks to get my head around being at home with a baby.

I do think it is bloody hard to make such a life shift (coupled with a re-location) - I am assuming you have no friends and family where you are.

I am hoping in 6-8 months I will look back and see that this was a shortlived phase - either that or I will be in a position where I can look for a job (although not sure I will get the fulfilment and flexibility that I had at home).

I think day by day is important. I try and plan one thing per day to look forward to. I am also trying to integrate myself socially as I remember from mat leave with my older two that friends were crucial.

I really hope things get better for you.

It is hard going from 1 to 2!!!!

The best technique is to try to spot the good behaviour and give him attention for being good, and lack of attention for being bad. (That doesn't mean ignoring bad behaviour, just treating it with the minimium attention you can.
I also think kids are much easier when you give them lots of exercise and sleep. My eldest was much better when we got out of the house by 9, whatever state we left the house in.

I would have thought that a visit to Nursery, swimming and ASDA were too much without a nap/chill out time. TV, a car ride or walk in a buggy can be useful.

But also everyones kids do have tantrums, its just rarely when yours are having them. My children have been that "angel" child, but if you had seen them 15 or even 5 minutes earlier they were the "demon" child. I have even heard parents say "why can't you be like those two" when if they'd only seen mine a little earlier.

Nursery should help. Good luck!

I would go crazy if I had to be a SAHM. Sometimes when work is getting on top of me I feel like "Oh I'd love to spend all day pottering around with DS (and soon DS2)", but then when the childminder is ill and I have to look after him full time for a few days I'm like: no.. not cut out for this.

I think by all means look for a job if that is what will help you achieve balance in your life. For me, I can be a much better mum (more fun, calm, loving, patient etc) when I work. I used to feel guilty for not spending all my time with DS, but now I really see how this is better for both him and me. Hopefully childcare wouldn't be a money issue for you if you went back to work, but to help assuage the guilt it might be worth looking into a nanny who comes into your own home as that might be more suitable for a young baby than going into nursery.

In the meantime follow some of the other posters tips with regards to dealing with the situation on hand and making life more bearable while you're a SAHM.