My children make me unhappy

[MakeTeaNotWar]

DS is 5.5 months and hasn't slept more than 2 hours since he was born. DD is 2.5 and has become increasingly naughty and resistant to sleep, crying out in the night, tantrums, screaming etc.

DH is away for 2 weeks. I've been up since 2am cycling between each crying wakeful child and am exhausted. DD had yet another massive tantrum this morning and refused to eat. I wouldn't admit this in RL but I am falling out of love with her, I need to reconnect as these days, she is filling me with rage. DS makes me resentful as i get no sleep despite trying to cosleep etc. ,I spoke to the doc who just suggested I drink some herbal teas and listen to uplifting music to relax but I am not coping at all and want to run away. My family are In another country and are useless when they visit, I feel judged for being such a shitty parent. DH is fantastic practically with the kids but emotional support is patchy, he is sometimes sympathetic, other times he has told me to "man up".

Apologies for the self pity party, need to offload

Sounds like things are really tough for you.
Not sleeping for more than 2 hours seems extreme. Have you tried a cranial osteopath? Search on here for cranial osteopath and you can see it can help many babies.

Offload away; I second the cranial osteopath for the baby and I think that once you get him to settle, your DD will sort herself out as well. She's probably playing up because she realises that it's the best way to get more attention for herself.

Massive amounts of sympathy and for you, it's bloody tough!

Do you have any useful/nice ILs?

God maketea, you poor thing. I'm afraid I don't have any amazing advice but you sound so down I had to reply. I just have the one, a DS who is 2.5. He is ok at night, but I notice he is becoming more receptive to rewards for doing things, so maybe your DD might respond to something like a sticker chart or a Gro Clock?

She's probably feeling really unsettled by the arrival of your DS too, little ones need a lot of time from us and I expect the older ones can feel a bit pushed out, so I expect she is creating/screaming/refusing food to get attention.. maybe have her help you out with DS during the day, fetching toys/blankets etc, making her feel included.

With regard to your DS, has he ever been swaddled? I know the experts don't recommend swaddling after a certain point, but I swaddled my DS until he was 8mo, it was the only way he slept. At 5.5mo I expect those horrible teeth are starting to pain him too?

Finally, give yourself a break, you are dealing with 2 wakeful children, one a toddler and one a baby, by yourself, you are amazing! You have my utmost respect for being able to do that! and don't worry that you are falling out of love with your DD. You aren't. You are just exhausted and stressed and want her to let you sleep and give you a break, all of which is understandable and does NOT make you a bad person! Remember 'this too shall pass'

Bless you. You are doing wonderfully.

I know how you feel, it's so hard sometimes. We had a really tough stage when my 2 were the same ages as yours but it does pass eventually. You're doing your best, the children will be fine.
Speak to your gp if you feel really low and they might be able to point you in the direction of some support. Could you contact your health visitor?
It will get better i promise, be kind to yourself and remember MN is here for hand holding when you need it.

Thank you for your kind words. I've an appointment for DS to see a cranial oesteopath - sounds a bit woo to me but am desperate. Trying to get an early night and crossing everything that DD doesn't scream the house down at 2am again. Honestly these sympathetic words from strangers really do help me to feel a bit encouraged

Regarding your son have you tried letting him sleep on his front. As he is nearly 6 months there shouldn't be a problem. My ds is 11 months and wouldn't sleep for long but around your ds's age I put him on his front and he has slept well ever since. It will get easier.

It's getting worse - currently lying on toddlers floor for the 3rd time tonight, baby had been up 4 times. I want to scream at them both, cant stand this

I have no advice as i only have one sleep dodger but wanted you to know you are not the only one up trying to get lo to sleep. and sympathy

For you.

My two are very similar. DD is now 3 years & 1 month and DS 11 months, things are improving now.

I second the idea of a Gro clock for your toddler.

I really feel your pain having been there myself. You are doing really well.

I've been there too. It was hideous. Husband worked away. I now wish I'd used savings for a mothers help each day for a few hours so I could sleep.

Have you got any help you can access? Family? (I don't have but I wish I had). Sleep deprivation coupled with a husband working away is such a killer and friends with sleeping babies or supportive families often don't have a clue.

Good luck.

Meant to add home start would help for a few hours a week and are fab.

I don't suspect you really don't like your children. You just need sleep.

I have so much sympathy for this. It's unspeakably hard. The only thing I would add is to yourself to bed as soon as they're asleep at night. Leave the dishes leave the washing, abandon everything where it falls. It is easier to sort out when you've had sleep.

You're absolutely broken with exhaustion. This is why it's hard

Use the tv for your eldest at flash points.

Are you bf or ff your baby? Wondering if there's any reflux or intolerance issues making them wake a lot.
What happens when your eldest wakes? Can you all sleep in the same room until your DH gets home?

Do you have any friends whom you can do playdates with - it helps.

Do you get out every day? Again it helps.

I have a 15 month old and 3.6 year old - I was you 10 months ago. Fuckung hard. Both had refflux and intolerances = shitty sleepers. Cranial Woo didn't work btw

You will get through this, it is so hard. Treat this time as 'crisis mode' and lower your standards- make easy food, let them watch TV and let the mess pile up. Do lots of 'mummy lying on the sofa' games, like playing doctors where you're the patient.

I really feel for you, those ages were our hardest time by miles.

OP how are things this morning?

Ohhh I feel for you. Back when my DS2 was a young baby he never lept for more than an hour and 45 minutes at a time, he cried all day and I was exhausted. My 4 year old was waking up because the baby was disturbing him and he started to wet the bed which I assumed was regression due to the arrival of baby brother. It was hell. I spent the nights trying to soothe DS2, feeding, cuddling, changing DS1's bedding. I felt the amazing bond I had with DS1 crumbling. I was irritated and anxious all the time. I can relate to everything you say.

It will get better. Is your baby waking just to feed or just for comfort? 2 year old tantrums are horrific, especially when you're exhausted. You will get through it.

The good news is absolutely out of the blue my DS2 started sleeping from 7pm- 3am waking for a quick feed and then back down til 7am at around 5.5 months which was most welcome! Then at 6 months he started sleeping through 12 hours a night and has never been a problem at night since. DS1 stopped wetting the bed and things clicked back into place over the first year. I am now incredibly bonded with DS1 again and he no longer irritates the hell out of me! DS2 is 14 months and still tricky in the day time, often whingy and hard work but things are immeasurably better than they were 9 months ago. This will pass.

Thanks everybody, I really feel encouraged knowing many of you have been there before me and that it will get better. Of course it doesn't feel like that at 4am during the nth wake-up. Today I invested in a gro-clock and made enquiries about cranial oestopathy. It sounds a bit woo to me but I am desperate.

DS has barely napped today. He is BF so I don't think the issue is intolerance....at least he doesn't seem to be in discomfort. He wakes and I immediately feed him in fear of him disturbing DD but he isn't always interested so he probably could be left to grumble....,but it wakes DD.

DD just wants me, wants me to stay or asks to come into my bed but I don't let her as me feeding DS all through the night would be so disruptive.

I just don't know how single parents cope or those whose OHs work away. But I guess there's no choice but to blunder on, I can't exactly un-have my babies. I do go to bed early but can easily sleep as I am so tense waiting for the shenigans to begin.

Fingers crossed for the gro clock tonight.

You poor thing. DH and I got broken with just one poor sleeping DC, and both of us on the case, so my heart goes out to you.

Gro-clock helped us. It wasn't miraculous, and we had to be super-consistent. But it gave us a more reliable sleep period, and reassured us that he was just a child who didn't need to sleep that long...

We've also had success with Lovebombing (naff name, but great idea).

Oh, poor you.

I remember having my two asleep, Dh away with work and me thinking 'who will wake first? Which one? What will I do? Why am I not asleep already?' etc

Have you chatted to dd about things? I realise she's only 2.5. ! Telling her - 'look you have a little brother, he makes all of us a bit tired because he can't sleep by himself yet and can't talk and may feel poorly. You need to be quiet at night and stay in your own bed. Can you show him how we stay in our beds and sleep?'

Be firm with her and tell her when you are all not so tired you will do something special. Just the two of you!

She may understand some of it and it may help you to focus on the future....when things are a bit easier.

I do feel for your dd, as I'm sure you do. But, she has to realise that babies get priority.

He could react via your milk.

I'd try sleeping in one room - your dd wakes up as it is and if she knows you're there she'll probably just stir and go to sleep quickly.

You poor thing. My DH is away again and I only have the one toddler. I'm pg with twins and pretty knackered though. Haven't really got much advice, other than to do whatever makes things easier. Dd has been in my bed in the last couple of weeks. If dh's last trip is anything to go by we will need to break the habit once he gets back, but then there will be two of us.

The thing I find hardest about DH being away is that if I don't do something, it doesn't get done! Seems obvious really but little things like the washing up piling up, or the high chair needing wiping just seem to turn into mammoth tasks.

How much longer til DH gets back? Mine is back on Wednesday evening after 2 weeks away. Dd is definitely more familiar with cbeebies than she was before he left!

Good luck

Poor you, that sounds so hard!
One small thing that might help with your own sleep issues (though sadly not your kids') is a relaxation self-hypnosis cd/download. I have only listened to a pregnancy/birth one so can't recommend a 'normal' one, but even tho I'm shit at napping, it used to send me off every time.

If I were you I'd be tempted to do sleep training with the baby when your husband is back home. I hear that older kids tend to ignore/sleep through it... Or if she doesn't, at least after a few nights there hopefully won't be anything to wake her. The Pick up/put down method worked for us with dd at 7 months.

Poor you. I really do feel for you as I feel I too am in that place. I hate myself as a parent because I feel like I am doing such a shit job.
I have 4 dc's and the younger two are similar in age to yours (2.10 and 16 weeks). We have (fingers crossed) sussed the toddler sleep problem. Is it something you can tackle when your dh gets home? We have always coslept but when dc4 came along she was just too disruptive for dc3 to get a good nights sleep. Plus 4 in a bed is not comfortable. My dh ended up sleeping in his (dc3) bed and so when he woke he just lay him back down (we had the problem that if we didn't get to him straight away he would get up and run into us and then scream the place down when put back). He then moved to a mattress next to his bed and then moved the mattress to the door so when he woke up he could just say "Go back to Sleep". it seems to have worked and he is now sleeping through in his own bed.
Now we just have to solve the non-sleeping, forever pooing baby problem!
Good luck x

are you looking after yourself? It's easy to let what you eat be rushed and unhealthy.Maybe look at your wheat intake it can make people angry and upset D.H. and DIL are different people when they're off it, esp. if that's all you eat for speed. (see Wheat Belly by William Davis M.D).

You can eat rye bread or crackers and whole rice\rice pasta instead.

BTW I'd have them BOTH in your bed its easier and means yr DD doesn't feel 'pushed out' by the L.O.She will sleep better 'cos she needs you a lot you know. If pushed away toddlers become more unhappy and demanding not less.

I just wanted to say don't worry about the fact that you are finding it so grim and hard. You are finding it grim and hard because it IS grim and hard. You have had hardly any sleep, you are dealing with it all on your own, your eldest is a toddler (so challenging) and you have a small baby. Looking at it on paper, its not a recipe for a bundle of laughs, ho ho (she says, hollowly!)

All you can do is try and slog through it. Please be reassured that your eldest WILL get easier as time goes by - in 6 months she will be much more civilised.

Just look on this as a slog time you have to get through. Set your expectations as low as possible. As long as everyone is fed, reasonably clean, watered and you haven't murdered either of them, count that as a success.

If you lose it with your toddler, don't worry. We all do. Just apologise, have a hug and move on.

When your DH is back, schedule something that you can look forward to.

You will get through it, promise.