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Original poster

Is shyness a personality type or is it preventable?

29 replies

sharond101 · 07/03/2013 22:13

DH tells me he was very shy as a child. I dislike the thought of DS being this way as I think he would miss out on alot of fun and friendships. I suggested we should get DS involved in sports/clubs/groups etc to encourage him not to be shy, DH said it was a personality type and if DS turns out shy we can do nothing about it, is he right? DS is only 9mo, planning in advance with this!

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Casmama · 07/03/2013 22:16

I don't know if I believe it is a personality type and even if people are prone to being shy then I think they can grow out of it. I think it is probably a good thing or your ds to have lots of opportunities to socialise from a young age and if he does turn out to be shy then focus on building his confidence.

Dromedary · 07/03/2013 22:18

I'm prepared to believe that it's the kind of thing you can inherit from your parents. If he does, then I think you will need to work harder at encouraging him to get involved with others.

BoringTheBuilder · 07/03/2013 22:19

My husband is shy, I'm shy and my daughter is the most outgoing, popular child
It makes us come out of our shells, we have no choice

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ceeveebee · 07/03/2013 22:21

I don't think it's preventable. I have twins and one (girl) is very outgoing, sociable and loves big groups, her brother is quieter and retreats into the corners at playgroups etc and cries at big gatherings. They've been treated in exactly the same way so must be inherent personality traits

WhispersOfWickedness · 07/03/2013 22:22

I think it is inbuilt. Although I think things can be done to try and overcome it and by that token, can probably exacerbate it as well.
I am shy, always have been. I have been able to see the same characteristics in DD for a long time (she's 18mo). DS, on the other hand is the most outgoing child I have ever met (age 3) and will happily start a conversation with anyone and everyone. Honestly, he has been like this from the moment he could smile, he beamed at anyone who looked at him and has been incredibly sociable ever since.

ElvisIsKing · 07/03/2013 22:23

I've no idea and always wonder myself as my two were very shy when young, not so much now, I'm leaning towards thinking is nature not nurture

ElvisIsKing · 07/03/2013 22:24

Having said that I do think that you can help bring them out of their shell. My two were taken to activities and stayed by my side, clinging to my legs, most of the time. I wondered why on earth I kept going but I didn't and they both eventually came out of their shell
Somewhat

ElvisIsKing · 07/03/2013 22:25

Bring them out of their shell *to a certain extent

ElvisIsKing · 07/03/2013 22:25

For goodness sake-sorry-I did keep going not didn't!

newgirl · 07/03/2013 22:30

i was just thinking about a 10 year old i know who was very bubbly up til about 6 and i honestly think her very shy mum has 'trained' her to be shy. Shes now really shy. The mum is very lovely but really does not enjoy social things and avoids them and her daughter is the same now. Was it nature or nuture - I think nuture in this case.

leddeeburdee · 07/03/2013 22:34

DS (5) is shy, DD (4) isn't. However, while being shy may mean that DS sometimes misses out on my perception of friendships and fun, he is perfectly happy. He doesn't particularly enjoy large group activities but has his own little friendship group and is quite content doing things in a smaller scale way.

Why do you think he will automatically be missing out on these things if he turns out to be shy? Perhaps his definition of 'fun' will be different to yours.

QTPie · 07/03/2013 22:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

WhispersOfWickedness · 07/03/2013 23:18

I think leddee has a good point! Don't assume that shyness equals isolation and unhappiness! Just think of it as a social fulfillness meter, introverts just need fewer social interactions with fewer people to fill it up than extroverts!

MechanicalTheatre · 07/03/2013 23:25

The best thing that you can do if he is shy is to not demonise the shyness and make him feel it's a fault. A lot of shy people are kinder, more compassionate, better listeners...of course you don't want him to be a doormat, but you don't HAVE to be a doormat if you're shy.

scrumpkin · 07/03/2013 23:28

I was painfully shy as a child. Excruciatingly so.

I was very shy until my 20's and now in my 30's have pretty much grown out of it.

I don't think anything could have changed the way I was

Schooldidi · 07/03/2013 23:34

I think it's a personality trait and it's not really preventable. It's just a part of who you are.

Dd2 is 3 (tomorrow) and she's rather shy. I honestly don't think that's because of anything I've ever done, it's just the way she is, and that's absolutely fine. We've socialised, she's been going to a childminder and playing with other children since she was 6 months old, she goes to toddler groups, we meet friends at weekends. She's still shy and doesn't talk to people. She's happy with that, she absolutely does not care that the other children are playing together and she is playing by herself.

I think it's a bit sad that people assume those of us who are a bit shy miss out on things. We don't. We generally are quite happy to not get involved.

WizardofOs · 07/03/2013 23:39

I was hideously shy as a child/teenager/young adult. Going into a shop and asking for something would cause me physical pain. Joining clubs and groups would not have helped - it would have caused me huge distress. My kids are really outgoing. Hurrah for them as being shy can be pretty shit. My Dad was shy too but I really don't think his behavour made me that way as I spent more time with my Mum who could talk to anyone about anything for hours.

Personality is not set in stone though. My job now entails meeting complete strangers, making smalltalk, holding a group's attention and talking about stuff like vaginas and sex...if someone told me 15/20 years ago I could do that I would have laughed in their face!

LapsedPacifist · 07/03/2013 23:42

Well, my introverted and self-sufficient DS (16) just said that being forced to get involved in sports/clubs/groups etc to encourage him not to be shy would have been 'One of the inner circles of Hell'.

And he should know, poor child because that's exactly what I tried to make him do, for years , to absolutely no avail .

Sorry, but extra-curricular activities etc will have very little influence on a child's desire for social interaction if they are naturally shy and unsociable. School provides ample opportunities to make friends and get involved in group activities, and if they can't blossom in that environment, then you're probably wasting your time making them go to Cubs in the hope it will make them want to talk to strangers.

WizardofOs · 07/03/2013 23:43

Oh and I also agree that being an introvert is nothing to be sad about. I no longer see being labelled as 'quiet' as a negative thing. Quite the opposite. I listen to what people are saying, I pick up on unspoken and implied things and I think that makes me better at my job and also a nicer friend to those I get closer too (a select few but I am happier like that).

Nagoo · 07/03/2013 23:51

DS is shy. It's a bit alien to us, as his dad and I are both gobshites. I am learning that it's not necessarily a bad thing to be this way, but I do encourage him to be polite, acknowledge people who speak to him, and also to speak for himself. It's quite difficult for me to watch him. I know that some of you say it's not a negative thing to be introverted, but sometimes he looks so sad :( I think it's my job to make him confident.

Are shy and unconfident the same thing?

LapsedPacifist · 08/03/2013 00:10

Being shy as a kid doesn't necessarily mean you won't/can't acquire social skills.
My DS has Aspergers but has lovely manners, is very bright and articulate and actually gets on better with adults than his peers. This has worried the hell out of me for years, but he is actually 'catching up' now, and we hope that by the time he gets to uni he will have enough self-confidence to cope just fine.

This isn't something you can do much about - you can't change your child's personality, just encourage them to try out new experiences without putting them under to much pressure to participate in stuff that makes them really uncomfortable.

WhispersOfWickedness · 08/03/2013 11:12

Nagoo, when is it that you think he looks sad? Is it in the social situations you mention? Because he is probably feeling anxious from the pressure to 'perform' in a social way, so being forced to talk, smile etc. If it's just generally, he's probably not sad, he's probably just thinking and quite happy in himself. I know I go into my head a bit when there's lots of people around. Perhaps I look miserable, but I'm actually very happy entertaining myself in my own head
My mother pushed and pushed me not to be shy and it didn't work, I just became more and more anxious over social situations. As soon as I left home and rarely went with her to social occasions, I started to find my own way and am reasonably comfortable in situations that I would have hated before

Nagoo · 08/03/2013 11:46

Whispers, it's when he looks like he wants to do something but is too anxious to do it. Like joining in at parties.

I know what you mean about the 'neutral face' I am always getting told to 'cheer up' too

rattling · 08/03/2013 12:22

My mum gave me a book (Toddler Taming by Christopher Green - she picked it up in a charity shop when I had 2 year old twins) - I think it was a very old version, and I had some big issues with it, but it did have one paragraph which gave me food for thought. (Though I'm still not entirely sure that I agree). He put shyness (in toddlers) together with tantrums and whining as a behaviour they use to get their own way. He recommended insisting that shy children still have to be polite - answer questions, make eye contact, say please/thank you.

I was very quiet as a child - literally never spoke to my teachers or friend's parents. I am a bit better now, but still realise now and again I have been impolite by sidling away without comment or thanks rather than managing a brief interruption.

I have 2 sons (nearly 4) - one introvert like me, one extrovert like DH. We take them to a lovely music class where they are asked (not pressured) to take individual turns at singing and dancing in front of the group. Since then A (quiet one) has stood up and sung in front of his (huge) nursery class - to the astonishment of the staff (who he has been with since 18 months).

But really he hasn't changed, he is still the same introverted boy. He likes to play by himself and he does his own thing. He doesn't try to join in the way his brother does, but I'm realising that doesn't have to mean shy or lacking confidence.

OutragedFromLeeds · 08/03/2013 12:31

'Are shy and unconfident the same thing?'

No. There are shy people who lack confidence and there are extroverts that lack confidence. There are shy people who are very confident and there are extroverts who are very confident. It just manifests in different ways.

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