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Original poster

WWYD: DS changed his mind about play at friends

34 replies

hillbilly · 06/03/2013 13:08

DS (5) has been invited to a friend's house for tea tomorrow to which we had said yes (2nd time there). Yesterday he told me he does not want to go. When asked why he said the boy was mean to him and broke something he made from lego last time he was there. I said of course it was fine for him not to go but for him to think about it today and let me know if he changes his mind. DS and this boy are friends at school and we have had him over to ours once as well.

Not sure whether to make up a lame excuse or say we have double booked or tell the truth to the mum.

OP posts:

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pictish · 06/03/2013 13:09

How about you tell him "Well I'm sorry son, but the arrangement has been made, and it would be rude not to stick to it, so you're going!"

pictish · 06/03/2013 13:11

Unless of course, you would have him growing thinking any commitment he makes is optional depending on his whim, and that it's ok to lie to get out things he can't be bothered doing.

If so, then make up an excuse, pedal out your lie, and let him off the hook.

Pozzled · 06/03/2013 13:16

Yes, I wouldn't have given my DD the choice once the arrangement was confirmed. But I would have a chat with her about the best way of dealing with the Lego breaking incident in case it happened again.

If you're going to let your DS choose, I would probably make up an excuse. And definitely do some work on his social skills so he has more confidence to communicate with his friends.

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Titchyboomboom · 06/03/2013 13:30

If I had done this when I was little my mum would have let me stay at home. It taught me nothing about responsibility and commitments and as a young adult I always let people down, until I began to understand what was wrong with this. Now I go if I have made arrangements and will expect dd to as well when she is older.

My mum constantly cancels with every one last minute as do both my sisters and it drives me crackers!! It is always lame reasons too like they had a late night, forgot, had a better offer (and are quite open about it!) ... Biased but determined that dd will never think it is ok.

Teaching social skills is better. Obviously if there is a bigger issue ie bullying, cancellation fine

Hoaz · 06/03/2013 13:30

Yes, I agree exactly with pictish.

I might have a conversation with the mum about how DS was a bit worried after the lego incident last time, but once the invitation's been accepted, he goes.

Original poster

hillbilly · 06/03/2013 14:39

In all fairness, when the mum asked if he would like to come over again I automatically said yes, not thinking that DS would not want to. So why would I insist on him going somewhere that he's not going to have fun, which is the whole point of it. I might however have a chat with the mum anyway but also a chat with DS about commitments and obligation.

OP posts:

pictish · 06/03/2013 17:57

Just a heads up to those who are prone to cancelling and lying about it...we know you're lying.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 06/03/2013 17:59

I think it would better to encourage him to go, but equip him with strategies to deal with this boy's aggression.

lia66 · 06/03/2013 18:00

Gosh I think you're being a bit harsh, he's 5 fgs not 25.
Could you stay with him for a cup of tea then leave him for a while. For what it's worth I'd let my 5 yr old change her mind for that reason but I would be honest with the mum about why.

MerryMingeWhingesAgain · 06/03/2013 18:02

He's 5. Of course you decide whether he goes or not, not him.

I wouldn't expect a 5yo to make a decision much beyond - alphabetti spaghetti or beans. If he tells you he doesn't want to go again in future that's fine, but this is already arranged.

coldcupoftea · 06/03/2013 18:03

Could you invite the boy to your house instead? Then DS might feel more comfortable.

HeathRobinson · 06/03/2013 18:05

As you accepted without asking your son, I'd make excuses. Why put him through it?

lia66 · 06/03/2013 18:07

So you would all make your 5 yr old go into a situation that he has told you he is unhappy with? I'm shocked and tbh I think that will send a very negative message to him about his mum keeping him safe.

coldcupoftea · 06/03/2013 18:14

In my experience with 5yos I take everything they say with a huge pinch if salt... he said the other boy broke his lego- it could well be as an accident or in retalliation for something, or part of a game. It's not very fair on the other little boy to just cancel it for no good reason.

pictish · 06/03/2013 18:20

What? Save us the bleeding heart...the lad had his lego model broken! Keeping him safe? From the breakage of Lego?
I wonder if OP's son is an only child? I have a friend who would totally cancel a playdate on the strength of her boy being upset over the demise of his lego model on a previous playdate. He's an only, and it shows. She would tell me all about the broken lego model in earnest while stroking his head to comfort him from the trauma of the retelling.

I hide the occasional smile, and do lots of mental to myself.

Daft.

Floggingmolly · 06/03/2013 18:25

If he made the decision to go himself, make him stick to it. If you accepted on his behalf and he genuinely doesn't want to go, cancel. He's entitled to an opinion on who he wants to be friends with.

Callisto · 06/03/2013 18:27

"He's an only, and it shows." So only people who have more than one can make sensible parenting decisions?

pictish · 06/03/2013 18:27

Yes...that I would agree with.

Original poster

hillbilly · 06/03/2013 18:27

He's not an only child pictish. Since I made the arrangement and he doesn't want to go, I see no reason to make him go. The mum in question is lovely and I shall probably explain the situation certainly with some humour because it is certainly not a slight on her son who is a very lovely boy as it goes.

Wow I seem to have stirred up some very strong emotions here!

OP posts:

pictish · 06/03/2013 18:29

Callisto - that's not what I meant. I know that only kids are all different. Sometimes though, the cliche is true, and in his case, it is. You may take my word for that.
I wouldn't comment on only children in general, as I wouldn't know.

notactuallyme · 06/03/2013 18:29

Well thank goodness I'm not the only one thinking you just bloomin send him. Not the same as a kid he is being bullied by, or a kid he isn't friends with etc etc. Also, is your ds being allowed to not go because of a half remembered lego story more important than the hassle to the other mum of you cancelling? Her ds not understanding WHY x isn't coming? You SAID mummy etc etc.
Also, guaranteed you cancel and then ds decides he wants to go afterall.

INeverSaidThat · 06/03/2013 18:30

I agree with floggingmolly. If you feels he has to go why don't you see if you can make it a shortish playdate. I used to find my DC's like shortish (couple of hours) play dates a lot at that age.

Ps before anyone complains its happened I am Canadian so am allowed to use the term playdate

Smudging · 06/03/2013 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 06/03/2013 18:36

I think I'd go for the lame excuse. Or invite this boy to your house as someone else suggested.

Callisto · 06/03/2013 18:37

Pretty obvious from that post that you were assuming the OP's child was an only, Pictish.

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