MIL put DS back in a nappy today

[blueteddy]

& I am a bit annoyed about it. I have been attempting to toilet train him since Feb & he has not taken to it as well as DS1 did, in that he still has needs to be constanly reminded & has quite a few accidents. He is also not great with his poos & will hold them in until he gets his night pull up on, or sometimes have accidents in his pants.
He was 3 in March & he does seem to be getting better at telling you when he needs to go, although if he gets indulged in something, you do need to remind him.
I work every day & he is split between nursery, my Mum & my MIL while I am working.
Today was MIL's turn to take care of him & when I returned home from work she announced that she had put him back in a nappy because he had a couple of accidents.
I know it can be frustrating when he has accidents, but I am working so hard at trying to tackle this & feel that putting him back in a nappy will put him right back.
I don't want to make a fuss, as I know I am lucky that MIl looks after him, but I feel a bit peeved that she has bunged him back in a nappy.
I don't want to upset MIl & seem like I am not grateful for her taking care of him & I am aware that constant accidents can be draining, but I really don't want him put right back just as we are starting to see improvements.
How can I get the message across without it seeming like I am getting at her?

Tough one. Can you just gentle tell her that you are worried putting him in nappys will hinder him and go through again what you are doing and why. In these situations I have often found it helps to say "If you have any tips or advice on takling this problem I would be very grateful to hear them" thus making the person involved and feeling important in the situation iyswim.

This isn't the first time she has done this.

x posts CM!
I did ask H to have a quiet word last time, but that didn't seem to do much good.
She often tells me that H was a nightmare to train, so I could try the "Any tips?" thing.

Whose nappies are they? I assume that they are for him? Maybe you could get some 'trainer pants' or something?? Personally I wouldn't leave my child in pants with a (voluntary!) carer if accidents were on the cards - it is really stressful isn't it? She probably wants to be able to take him out etc. without being in a blind panic about it. Personally I would go with whatever makes her feel the most able to cope.

The only problem with that is although it makes them feel involved and important, you need to decide what to do if the advice is totally off course with your own ideas, do you follow it anyway to keep the peace, or if not how bad will the fall out be with you seemingly ignoring her advice (particularly when you asked for it in the first place).

I know, MP. I am aware it is stressful believe me!! It is just that I feel that if he has a nappy on he will take 5 steps back.
The nappies are for bedtime. I did have pull ups, but H picked these ones up.
I don't know. It is so hard, as I started all this toilet training when I had a week of work. I didn't know it was all going to be this hard!

Hello blueteddy, I'm in a vaguely similar position. I have been trying to potty train dd for months and persevered, thinking there was no way I was going to put her back in nappies. But she was having accidents all over the place and it was just so stressful, so I finally accepted that she wasn't ready and have put her back in pull-ups for a month or so.

We are also moving house in a week so that will just be added stress for her. The potty/toilet is still there for her to use whenever she wants, but I have taken a step back .

I go out of my way not to upset her in any way & although in my head I was screaming today, I just said "Yes I know he can be a nightmare with his accidents."
Maybe I will have to try & have a quiet word with her. I do feel bad though, as I know it is extra work for her. I just don't really want to go back to square 1.

Really, CQ?
That makes me feel a little better, as your DD is around the same age isn't she?
It was so easy with DS1 & the troubles I am having with DS2 has all come as a bit of a shock!

Does your DD still ask to use the potty, or has she lost all interest?

I think there is always this huge thing about "a child who is potty training / potty trained must NEVER, ever, be allowed to go back in a nappy". I am not at all convinced it is such a big deal. Most children have a nappy at nap time and bed time when they are first trained - this doesn't seem to be a problem, for starters.

I think children are more adaptable and capable of understanding there are different rules than we give them credit for. Possibly, the training would come on faster if your MIL had not done this. Possibly, it will make no difference. Tbh, I would think having 4 carers, with different styles of doing things, is going to make it harder for him in this particular situation. As you have been trying for some time with limited success and he doesn't seem to have taken to it, why not leave it for a while? It doesn't really sound as if he is ready. I have quite a few friends who have left training until their children were older and it took literally a day or two each time. Their children were each about 3 years old, but in each case were girls who are famous for getting the hang of this more quickly. Maybe if you left it a couple of months it would be less stressful all round. I know it's frustrating when your MIL goes against your wishes, but as an ex-nanny, I would have found it extremely hard to look after someone else's child who was out of nappies but apparently not ready for training. Hope time will solve this problem for you :)

Yes, she does sometimes still ask to use the potty, but she is more likely to tell us she is in the process of doing something than say something in advance.

She will sometimes have a day of being very good, then back to normal again the next day.

It's much better now she's back in pull-ups, as I don't get stressed about things and neither does she.

Yes, you are probably right, maybe he just isn't really ready.
I have been getting myself so stressed out about it all recently, but felt I mustn't go back & put him in nappies or it will put everything back to square 1!
I think that I felt that he should be getting it quicker because he is now 3 years old & DS1 was very easy to train at 2.10.
The poo side of things is a real problem atm.
I can see why MIL puts him back in a nappy & would never have a go at her, but I guess I am feeling frustrated.
Maybe I would be best to admit defeat & try again in my summer hols! (Work in a school)

Yes, poo was a real problem here too

Really? Not good is it?!!
It is much easier to change a pooey pull up than pooey pants that's for sure!!

Just to reassure you blueteddy - my ds is 3.5 and we've been toilet training since March last year and he still hasn't got it. He's entirely able (we've had a few dry days and a whole week once), but just doesn't think it's important and will rarely ask.

Like CQ and on the advice of my (v good) HV we reluctantly started using pull-ups in November last year. I means I can leave the house without 3 pairs of pants, trousers and socks. We've only ever called them pants in ds' earshot and we still take him to the toilet regularly, but the pressure is off for a while. It's a kind of breathing space until I steel myself to make him go commando adn crack it once and for all. But only once I cling film my entire house first

Good luck - my ds is pretty extreme if I'm to believe everyone else out there so I'm sure yours will get it on no time

I feel a lot better now, mcmudda! Part of me would love the pressure to be off for a while, as it is getting me down, but another part of me is saying "You have started this now, you can't give up!"
I feel better for having the reassurance from MN'ers, that it is okay to admit defeat & if it happens I am not alone!

Have a look at lollipop children's products (should be on google) they do eenie training pants which look like pants- with a waterprrof inner, cotton outer and disposable pads you put inside (like huge sanitary towels so the child can feel the wet).

They're pricey, but they'll sell on ebay afterwards.

BT - it's definitely not defeat. If you decided to use pull ups, it's just an opportunity to take the stress out the situation. It's one less worry and a bit less washing.

You can still do the mega praise thing if your ds is dry or asks to go. Just don't let him think he's in a nappy or he'll start to get complacent.

I can't wait for ds to get this sorted - it's costing us a fortune! More so because I'm sticking with the most eco-friendly pull-ups I could find (Bambolina) and they are extortionate!

Ooh jimjams - I've not come across them - thanks for that!

YOu can use a prefold (small one) if you don't want to use the pad.

Also have a look at incontinence catalogues, I used some children's incotinence pants with ds1 from siloh health care (shiloh??? have a play with those words on google)- which were far better than trainers (also sold well on ebay). Although if I had come across the lollipop eenie stuff at that time I would probably have used those at times when I needed real reliability.

Oh they sound like a good idea, jimjams. I have never heard of them before, but will take a look. Thanks.
Thanks for the reassurance, mcmudda. It would actually be a huge relief to get the pull ups out again, but until now I kind of thought it would be the worse thing I could do.
Hope it all works out for you very soon!

Incidentally ds1 was very difficult to train (severely autistic, no speech etc etc), but pull ups really didn't confuse the issue (he strips off anyway). It just all seemed to click one day. I would have gone mad if I had avoided all use of pull ups etc so in your situation I would let your MIL put him in whatever she wants I trained ds1 in the house at first,only when he was completely reliable at home did I put him in pants to go out. What actually happened was that as soon as he had trained at home he was dry everywhere (and at night), I don't think wearing pull ups really made much difference.

You might have to have a little chat with MIL, but thats up to you. Next time you drop him off just tell her what you want her to do (I used to do that!).

Dont despair on the potty front. We keep thinking DGS has got it, he will be fine for ages, then have a really bad day, when he gets to the potty/toilet too late every time and we end up with loads of wet pants. Just keep at it. BTW Grandson was 3 in December. But he has had a few problems to contend with in his life.

I used to teach nursery, early years and year 1. In nursery we expected a few accidents and had spare pants, but by the time they got to year 1 we saw hardly any accidents, so he will get it sometime, thats what I tell myself. How many kids do you see in the schoolyard in nappies? none! hang on to that!

In the meantime, dont buy that wool carpet!

ds1 was (in nappies in the school yeard) ! Actually he wasn't because the stupid school wouldn't deal with nappies (oh the joys of well thought out inclusion), but that's why I know my incontinence pants from my trainers. We needed ones which worked. Anyway the good news is he;s one of the few kids in his current school that is toilet trained so gets lots of praise for that.