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Original poster

how to come to terms with not having a daughter?

44 replies

smk84 · 22/02/2013 22:05

I am posting this here as I've tried talking about it in rl, and I am still stuck with it, and it's really bothering me. I have 2 beautiful sons, aged 3.10 and 8 months. I love them both dearly and am delighted to have 2 healthy boys. For various reasons, we are not planning any more children, but my heart is breaking at the thought of never having a daughter. It's ironic, as although I never thought I had a prefererence with DC1, when it turned out he was a boy I was delighted, as I thought I would get on great with a boy (I never thought I'm glad you're not a girl though). I truly consider having 2 beautiful boys as such a blessing, and don't understand why i keep having nagging thoughts about not having a girl. It almost feels like a part of me has died knowing it won't happen, and this feels really out of proportion logically. It really bugs me that I think about it so much. I would much rather be thinking about all the positives in my life, rather than yearning after something I can't have... I don't want to waste your time on a whinge fest, but I am just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to move on from this useless way of thinking that I have developed. thank you.

OP posts:

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baskingseals · 22/02/2013 22:45

i think how you feel is very natural. but be aware that fantasy and reality are very different. the daughter you imagine, would not be the daughter you would actually have. honestly.

she would not necessarily complete your life.

do you know why you feel like this?

grants1000 · 22/02/2013 23:13

I think until your children become actual real little people you have proper conversations with, it's hard to see them as individuals, with their own characters and personality. For you now one is a baby, the other a toddler and of course they have this to some extent already but it's not fully developed.

I have 2 sons aged 6 & 10 and I did feel like you for a little bit but for a long time I haven't. They are both so different and similar and I get equally amazing things from both of them, so the richness of our individual relationships is immensely fulfilling and I would not even say it fills up a non-girls hole, as there was not one to fill, does that make sense?

We had a great day out today, bit of shopping, they bought Mother's Day cards in secretary, we bought shoes from H and M, sang to Gangman Style in the car on the way home, had cuddles at bedtime. No different that a day that any other parent and children may have, whatever the sex, do you see what I mean? You won't be missing anything I promise.

grants1000 · 22/02/2013 23:14

Cards in secret not secretary! We were in paper chase!

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grants1000 · 22/02/2013 23:18

Also I had an older brother and we had a bond, but what is remarkable to witness is the brotherly bond they have between then, it's truly something unique which I am sure sisters have too, it is special to be part if and is almost magical, of course different sex siblings have a bond but the bond between just brothers or just sisters is unique

TeamEdward · 22/02/2013 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarrietSchulenberg · 22/02/2013 23:27

I have 3 boys and I honestly considered that I would ever have anything other than a girl before ds1 was born. I'm not going to be having any more and although it does make me sad that I won't have a girl I've come to realise that I probably wouldn't be a brilliant mother to girls as I'm not terribly girly myself and, as my whole personality is fairly "male", I'm probably more suited to bringing up boys. At least that's what I tell myself!

Zipitydooda · 23/02/2013 00:02

I have 3 boys and have/do feel similarly to you at times. It drives me mad too. I feel so blessed with my 3, I can easily make myself cry thinking about how much I love them and how lucky I am to have them for so so many reasons.

I have days when they are being especially noisy, argumentative, demanding and I've not had a moment to myself when I feel momentarily resentful that I don't have a quiet, lovely girl; but she is a fantasy girl, always dressed in lovely girls clothes that I choose, having chats, me doing her hair.

I get annoyed when I receive children's clothes catalogues (esp Boden and Vertbaudet) with pages of beautiful girls stuff and boys boring beige and stripes filling a few pages at the end. I get annoyed when the girls at nursery all have princess parties and don't invite the boys. Gender division and the promotion of princessness at this age worries me for its impact on children's (both genders) emotional development and values and it is usually instigated by the mothers of girls. Boys seem to have mixed gender parties.

In my experience society is very negative about boys. Young girls even seem to be bought up to be negative about boys. It's very rare for people, upon finding out I have 3 boys, to say something positive. Usually I get comments about how hard/noisy/messy it must be or how I must be sad that I don't have a girl. Or just the eye raise and "3 boys!" comment. I think I must have absorbed this into my unconcious and that is why I still carry the sadness; all those comments about being the mother in law rather than the mother of the bride, the expectation of not having such a close relationship with your future grandchildren; these are all fantasies too that we have all been bought up with so they are so ingrained.

I do hope my sometimes sadness about not having a daughter will disappear eventually. I am trying to be a cheerleader for boys/sons and try to always point out their positives, of which there are many. I am mindful of the men I would like them to develop into and I try to nurture their characters and abilities and their self-esteem in a well rounded way. They really are fabulous and seeing the boy gang together (on a good day) is magical and makes my heart soar with pride and love.

mummy2benji · 23/02/2013 09:13

I think a lot of mums only start to get the positives from a mother-daughter relationship once she is close to exiting her teens - a lot of mums can spend their daughter's entire teen years having emotional arguments and battles and wondering how it could all be such hard work. If you bring your boys up to be good respectful men with honourable values then you may find yourself with two lovely daughters-in-law with whom you can still have that female bond. I am sad to say that I never really shared a close relationship with my mum as I felt criticised growing up and always sub-standard, but I have a very close relationship with my mother-in-law. We lived near my in-laws for a time and would meet for lunches and shopping and it was so nice. We don't live near to them currently, but hope to move back in that direction again. I think of her as a mum figure and I know she thinks of me as another daughter.

As a mum you can still have a wonderful close relationship with sons, without that competition element that can exist between two females. I think nothing is ever as cut and dried as it seems on paper - a daughter wouldn't guarantee you the lovely relationship you are currently mourning, just as a son won't mean you can't have that. x

Bonsoir · 23/02/2013 09:17

I know masses of two-boy families where they have gone on to have a daughter, using diets/IVF/voodoo/whatever to ensure the much-desired DD came along.

WidowWadman · 23/02/2013 11:07

I don't understand this and think it's not good to burden children with expectations which are based on their sex, rather than just seeing and accepting them as the individuals they are.

My daughters are incredibly close and at the same time totally different personalities. The relationship we have with them has nothing to do with their sex/gender and it wouldn't be them any different if they were boys.

My brother has a close bond with my parents, as well as me and my sister, my husband has a close bond to his family - I think it's more how a child is raised than its sex that determines how close it will be to his or her family.

LovelyMarchHare · 23/02/2013 11:15

Hi OP. I really hope that you find a way to reconcile this in your mind. Someone in my extended family is really struggling with this to the extent that she is now on anti-depressants and feels estranged from her boys. They are picking up on it and feel like they aren't good enough. It is all very sad. There may be something more at the heart of her problem but if asked this is the thing she comes back to again and again.

Good luck.

morescribbles · 23/02/2013 18:41

We had two daughters first and my husband was desperate for a son. We bought a book called 'choosing the sex of your baby the natural way' or something like that. The ttc was hilarious. I have no idea if it helps or not though because we ended up with twins of either sex. I do remember the fear that we wouldn't have a son and feel for you.

baskingseals · 23/02/2013 20:01

op - are you okay?

Chottie · 23/02/2013 20:06

Boys are so loving, I have a DS and two darling nephews and now a GS on the way. I feel blessed to be surrounded by so many healthy and gorgeous boys :)

mumof5boys13 · 23/02/2013 21:42

I have 5 sons and can't say i am all that bothered about not having any daughters. i always wanted a couple of lads, never thought i'd have 5 though!This is not to say i wouldn't have liked a girl but it really doesn't bother me that i don't have one.Believe it or not it is my husband who wishes we had a girl!

I dislike people who look at boys as a negative thing or that having sons is a negative thing. I dislike mothers of girls who think that their girls are such little angels and so much better than boys! My boys are by no means perfect but have given me so much joy, i'd never change them for the world!

itsakindarabbit · 23/02/2013 21:49

"I have days when they are being especially noisy, argumentative, demanding and I've not had a moment to myself when I feel momentarily resentful that I don't have a quiet, lovely girl"

I feel like this too, and i have two daughters

Op, its ok to feel how you do, embrace it then let it be a distant memory when you are ready to.

itsakindarabbit · 23/02/2013 21:52

And as a mother of girls i'd just like to say i adore little boys and hate that attitude spoken about upthread.

crazy88 · 23/02/2013 22:54

What zipity said. I have 3 boys and yes I do occasionally feel like the op, and not because I don't like boys or particularly prefer girls but, insanely, because of the grandchildren thing! I think this is because I grew up in a very female oriented family, being one of 3 girls myself and my mum is definitely No 1 Granny to all her grandchildren. I think that you lose your sons when they marry or settle down with someone and I am not sure you lose a daughter in the same way, but again, I am probably basing this on my own experience. Cheer up, at least one of your ds's might marry into some hideously dysfunctional family and you can pull rank

Dh and I have bets that ds1 will turn out gay so I may be spared one daughter in law at least

Tolly81 · 24/02/2013 10:36

I think it's nothing more than a missed experience and that is all. Once you accept this, you can move on. I think many parents of girls also wonder about having a boy. I used to babysit for two families that both had two boys close in age then a "last try" for a girl (with a subsequent age gap of 4ish years) the boys were delightful, the girls were spoilt little madams in both cases. This was of course related to the parenting and perhaps the level of expectation that the parents had put on these girls but even so you need to get rid of the "fantasy daughter" who is perfect and exhibits ridiculous gender stereotypes - loves ballet, is quiet and enjoys crafts, will get married with a lovely white wedding and have lots of babies that she'll ask for your advice on. This girl is not real, and as others have said this "princessy" trend is constructed by parents and is damaging. My dh is one of 4 boys - my MIL would certainly have liked to have a daughter but she moved on, accepted it, and is a great mother of 4 very individual boys with really nice personalities. Acknowledge it, accept it, ditch the fantasy girl myth and move on. Don't make it into a big deal, it isn't.

perceptionreality · 24/02/2013 10:41

I have three girls. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to raise a son but it doesn't eat away at me. People have said things to me like 'wouldn't you like a son?' as if I can choose! I also remember a woman looking at my 2 year old dd1 and newborn dd2 and saying 'Oh dear, two girls - what a shame'

Has the way you feel come from stupid things said by other people?

sherzy · 24/02/2013 10:42

Just thought I'd share that I'm feeling similar. Dh booked in for vasectomy soon and getting my head round the fact I'll never have a son, we have two

jetstar · 24/02/2013 10:42

Perhaps you will be able to be a lovely aunt / godmother / friend to a girl instead? Just a thought :)

Astelia · 24/02/2013 10:45

I know my DM adores my strong handsome capable brother. My sister and I are not worshipped in the same way at all.

All you mothers of boys will be very proud of them when they tower over you in years to come.

breadyegg · 24/02/2013 10:54

It's how you choose to look at it...

You can choose to wistfully wish that you had a girl. Forever look at women with their daughters, look at pretty dresses, imagine discussing boyfriends and cooking tips, etc. etc. etc.

You can choose to get on with your life, enjoy your boys, be thankful they are healthy and turning into well rounded individuals, etc. etc. etc.

I am early forties and I don't have any children. It seems that we can't. How do you imagine that feels? It's very upsetting but I have decided not to dwell on it. I am grateful that I have a very nice life and a wonderful DH. I choose to focus on the good things and the fact that we will never have to deal with teenage tantrums or uni fees!

Zipitydooda · 24/02/2013 14:05

Sorry jetstar

But comments like:

'Perhaps you will be able to be a lovely aunt / godmother / friend to a girl instead? Just a thought'

Really, really irritate me. Being a lovely aunt, godmother or friend to a girl completely misses the point. You can be all of those things and still miss the daughter (or son) you never had, it's a totally different thing.

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