how to come to terms with not having a daughter?

[smk84]

I am posting this here as I've tried talking about it in rl, and I am still stuck with it, and it's really bothering me. I have 2 beautiful sons, aged 3.10 and 8 months. I love them both dearly and am delighted to have 2 healthy boys. For various reasons, we are not planning any more children, but my heart is breaking at the thought of never having a daughter. It's ironic, as although I never thought I had a prefererence with DC1, when it turned out he was a boy I was delighted, as I thought I would get on great with a boy (I never thought I'm glad you're not a girl though). I truly consider having 2 beautiful boys as such a blessing, and don't understand why i keep having nagging thoughts about not having a girl. It almost feels like a part of me has died knowing it won't happen, and this feels really out of proportion logically. It really bugs me that I think about it so much. I would much rather be thinking about all the positives in my life, rather than yearning after something I can't have... I don't want to waste your time on a whinge fest, but I am just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to move on from this useless way of thinking that I have developed. thank you.

I think the whole 'maternal grandmother is closer' thing says more about the relationship a MIL builds with her DIL than anything. Until we live in a more equal society, it is often the woman who does the wifework of organising the social life (even if both partners work full time), and it is often the woman who works part time. As such, as the paternal grandmother, you need to work a bit harder to be involved, all other things being equal. If you are nightmare MIL then you are unlikely to be a priority for the person doing the social organising, more of a 'duty engagement'.

Also, much as I love my mother and we get on, our relationship is not 'close' any more than my husband's with his mother. I think it is the personality of the families, not the gender of the child that matters.

I can kind of understand how you feel though. I have two daughters. We always imagined we would have three, but for various reasons we may well stop at two. I sometimes feel a sort of mourning for the son/daughter I might have had. It's hard to let go of pre-conceptions of what our family will look like. I think that the key is accepting it for what it is - recognising it that it is reconciling the difference between real life and our imaginings.

Zipity - You can come and do DD1's hair any time. There is screaming, wriggling, moaning. I'll happily pass her over...

I feel the same OP.
I have two fantastic, gorgeous, fun loving boys and wouldn't change them for the world. Likewise, I do feel sadness I will never experience the mother daughter relationship as well.
I'm pregnant with DC3 and looking forward to having a troop of 3, whether I'm carrying a boy (as I'm expecting) or a girl (I don't know yet, and undecided whether to find out or not). We are not having any more, so this is it.
There are loads of benefits to having same sex families - we told our 5 year old son yesterday that he will be getting another baby brother or sister in the summer and he said he wants a brother. I grew up with two sisters and there really is something so lovely about same sex siblings.
There's also so many combinations - lots of kids or one kids, all boys, all girls or mix etc. Each brings it's own unique experience and we can't have all of them .
I'm sorry - I've waffled on, but I'm sure it will get easier in time, as you say goodbye to the baby / toddler years too. It's not about being sad about what you don't have, but appreciating what you have. Sometimes your head has to tell your heart that.

My mum desperately wanted a little girl that would wear pretty dresses and play with dolls. But she got me, a tomboy who lived in jeans and climbed trees. Her disappointment in me was made very clear and we are not close now.

My mum probably grieves for the daughter she never had too.

Who knows if you would enjoy having a daughter any more than she does? Please move on, don't have regrets.

Hi OP - I don't really have any advice but as you have seen, you are not alone in how you feel, and you sound as if you have it in perspective. I have 3 boys (youngest 21 months). I have my ups and downs with it and probably think about it more than I would admit to anyone in RL, even DH, it's just a wistful feeling. I sometimes find myself thinking "I'm going to teach my daughter XYZ..." then remembering that I'm not ever going to have one, a daughter has just been so ingrained in my idea of my family for all my life basically. I've just accepted that this is my "thing" that I'll probably always feel a bit sad about, but I absolutely don't want it to become bigger than it is (clearly there are many, many more things I could be far sadder about, I know that). I'm kind of doing both the things breadyegg says - trying not to dwell and to move on, but also acknowledging how I feel.

People can be very dismissive about this, but the feeling is real enough and for me, trying to ignore it isn't helpful and I find threads like this useful. I also get reminded of it constantly by other people's pity/negativity about having an all-boy family (which ramps up significantly in my experience when you have a 3rd). Just in the last week I've had "so, 3 boys, are you happy with that?" from a mum of 2 girls I've recently got to know - I so wish I'd thrown the question back at her, "maybe 4th time lucky eh?!", and yesterday from a woman in a shop "I've got 2 boys - I wasn't brave enough to have a 3rd in case it was another" which I thought as well as being a bit rude given she knew I had 3, was also quite sad - what does that say about them? I can't imagine ever saying that about my sons. I was so totally smitten with my first 2 that the idea of a 3rd just like them was lovely. I wanted 3 children above all (though I am now struggling slightly with the reality of 3 but that's another story!). The sad part for me isn't that I've got 3 boys, other than I'm a bit bored of boys clothes and Thomas the Tank Engine, it's that DH and I won't get to experience what it is to bring up a daughter - for better or worse. I'd feel the same if I hadn't had a son but I'd probably get less pity from strangers. As someone said upthread it's about reconciling the family you imagined with the one you have, then moving on. I think that means you maybe don't feel quite as "complete" as people who have both. I have a number of friends who have 2 boys and then a girl, or 2 girls and then a boy and say that they felt a sense of completeness with their 3rd as well as liking the novelty of having a son or a daughter for the first time. But I also know people who've said that they feel complete after 2 sons or 2 daughters. We're all different.

Ermmm.... not sure that was helpful at all, but you're not alone!

I know how this feels. I had Ds1, was momentarily disappointed he wasn't a girl, then fell utterly in love with him and thought maybe next time. Got pregnant with DS2, had v. high risk of Downs, happened to see a pair of balls on the scan in the middle of the amnio, and was just so keen for nothing to go wrong and the baby to be healthy that I didn't allow myself to acknowledge my sadness that I would never have a daughter (I knew DP would never, ever agree to a third child). I didn't want anyone to think I didn't want Ds2. And of course I wanted him, and I welcomed him when he arrived. But now that my lovely, kind, cuddly, needy, noisy, dynamo, never-still boys are 6 and 8, and although I couldn't be without them, I still feel a loss. I only ever had a brother, and I'll only ever have sons. I'm not close to my mother, but I have fabulous female friends. I know I can only speculate on how my relationship with a daughter might have been (it might have been dreadful!!) but I do regret that I will never know. Sometimes I wish I had braved disapproval and expressed that sadness at the time instead of pretending it was all fine, because I think I wouldn't still be feeling it as keenly now. Perhaps it's that I'm now 40, and the chance of an 'accidental' pregnancy with effective contraception in place is tiny, and it's forcing me to confront the issue. It's hard. You have my sympathy.

No one really talks about this in real life, but I do think a lot of it is to do with how you imagine your future. When I was pregnant with twin boys our neighbour told me how pleased she was that she never had sons, explaining that she only ever dressed her dolls as girls and how it was meant to be. I do think it is ingrained from so very early on, right from those first days playing 'house' and onto imagining family life when you buy your first house etc etc and when the reality is different it is a subconscious shock. When I went for my twenty week scan all I cared about was that they were healthy. When I was told I was having two boys I realised that I had not even considered the possibility of having two boys! I just assumed I'd have at least one girl!
The reactions and comments of others don't help either. People saying 'oh no! Not boys!' and 'rather you than me' and making comments like 'even their clothes are ugly' upon finding out was not helpful. If you have negative people around you, or people who constantly go on about how girls are calmer, kinder, more considerate than boys then don't see them for a while. You know your boys are amazing and being positive and happy with your beautiful children will help you move on.

Redspottydress is right,

and can I just say if you have girls then likewise avoid the people who tell you that little girls are little madams/divas etc etc.

Hi smk85 I am a Mum of 5 boys and never Was that fussed about having a girl. After the first two my third pregnancy everyone asked if I wanted a girl next. Then after my 5th DS everyone said 'Was you trying for a girl ?' No not really. I have as many shopping trips and pamper evenings ( my 17 year old loves my clay masks) and chats about weight and clothes. I am very close to my 18 year olds gf and I dont feel cheated out of not having a girl. I hope you soon come to Terms with your feelings. Rememeber its a 50/50 chance

Hi everyone, thank you so much for the replies. I feel it is much more in perspective for me having read your comments and tried to edit my thoughts a bit more. It's great to be able to share my feelings with people I don't know ! I do want to repeat something from my op.... that i am so grateful for my boys and wouldnt change them for the world ( well only perhaps my ds1 whinging and procrastinating ). I don't have time to reply properly now, but I will when I can keep my eyes open (we have all been ill and very sleep deprived! ).

Hi

I've just come across this thread from ten years ago and wondered if you still feel this way. Looking at the date I'd guess your boys are a similar age to mine (14 &12)

Like you I have struggled over the years with the thought of never having a daughter. I wouldn't say I think about it 24/7 but every time a friend or acquaintance has a baby girl I have to admit that I am unbelievably jealous! My sister is currently pregnant and the thought of her having a girl is eating me up inside.

It doesn't help that I'm feeling more and more distant from my boys. When they were little, they were mummy's boys and were so loving and affectionate. I knew that wouldn't last, but gradually as the years have gone on I've got less and less in common with them (I appreciate this happens with all teenagers!) and now I find it very difficult to find common ground. I often feel lonely in a house of men! (I grew up with 3 sisters!)

I find myself wishing that I had someone to watch a chick flick with, or to discuss clothes with and who's going to paint my toe nails when I'm to old to reach them?! (I recently did my mum's for her!)
I know this is all a fantasy and may never have happened even if I'd had a daughter!

Anyway I'm sure you understand, but can I ask have you made peace with it? And if so, how did you learn to get over it?

Hi. I feel the same as you. I have tow Ds's who are 4 and 1. I love them so much but my heart ached when i found out i was having another boy. I struggled through my pregnancy to come to terms with it. All my friends have daughters and i get jealous as i had images of dressing up a girl etc. I dont think i will ever get over it.

I have two boys ages 4 and 2 and feel like this too sometimes. I also get really worried because my husband has a bit of a fraught relationship with his mum, as does his brother. And then when I hear all the other "evil MIL" stories I think, "If I only have boys, will I not be able to have a close relationship with their families when they're grown up?". Like, am I going to turn into a difficult MIL? Whereas I think if I had a girl we'd stay super close and I wouldn't become evil MIL.

I love my two boys so much though.

Interesting to read this thread. All I ever wanted was a boy. I really didn't want a girl as the thought of party frocks and Disney princess type of stuff sent shivers down my spine. When I found out I was having a boy I felt like I'd won the lottery.

I'm sure I'd have been ok with a girl but I look at friends with girls and feel I've dodged a bullet.

I think everyone who tries to convince you that what you're feeling is misplaced is wrong. It's perfectly legitimate to want to have a daughter to share your life with (or a son!) It's taboo but people do have preferences, and although each individual child is their own person which isn't dictated by their sex it is different having daughters vs having sons. Be kind to yourself, acknowledge that you're sad about something you will never have and then focus on the blessings you do have.

I feel for you and as a mother of two daughters I do sometimes imagine what my son would be like but these imaginary perfect boys would likely not be the one I'd have got! I get fed up of people saying "it's because they're girls" whenever mine behave nicely in public when I know plenty of well behaved boys and badly behaved girls and we've worked hard at parenting them and correcting bad behaviour. My older one moans about showering and screams when I do her, hair, plus all my dreams of lovely hairstyles don't match up to her hair type and temperament and my skill level. I am quite nervous of the teenage years, make-up, hair dye, friendship issues, body image etc. I imagine teenage boys of together with friends and teammates off to sports matches!

@AegonT it's funny how we have a preconceived image isn't it?!
I have witnessed lots of very boystous boys over the years, but my pair have always been calm and gentle. And on the whole well behaved. I do have one sporty one, so the football sideline image is true. I'd just never imagined the hours they'd both spend on the Xbox! But i'm sure that's the same with teenage girls and their phones!!

Thank you 😊

I am so glad I found this thread! Reading other stories and how other mums feel makes me feel a bit better. This is the 1st night in 3 days i haven't cried. I did cry this morning and afternoon but at least it stopped for now. I found out I am having a second son a few days ago and even though I am very very grateful especially after 3 MC, I was absolutely devastated that I won't have a girl. It was very hard to get this far in pregnancy (17 weeks) and this will be my last baby. I am praying everything is well and baby is healthy but my heart is broken knowing I will never have a girl. I am a very girly girl and kept all my nice jewelleries and wedding, prom dress for a girl I will now never have. I know maybe she wouldn't have been what I envisioned but she would have looked like me have some of my personality and this was something I was looking forward. I don't have the best men examples in my family and DH's and I can't shake the feeling I will have 2 boys that won't connect with me and I will fail them as a mother and I will ruin their life. I feel like if I had a daughter I would have passed all my knowledge and try to guide her better than my mum did. I absolutely love my 3 years old but he already started being more distant and I even strated resenting him and my DH just because they are male. I am very jelous of all the women that have girls, especially the ones I see dirty and neglected and think I deserved a girl I would have take care of her way better and what did I do wrong in life that I was not given at least 1 girl. I know it's terrible thinking and I blame myself for this but it's just a feeling I cannot control and just burtst into tears when I see dresses in stores and little girls on the street. I had nub theory and all the theories saying it was a girl so built up some hopes as well. I really hope I start getting used to the idea of having only boys as I feel I am not fair to them at this moment.

I had to respond to this, I really feel that your relationship with your children can be what you make it! If you start thinking they are being distant then you could end up pulling back from them and encouraging a distant relationship.

I cried when I found out I was having a girl because my husband has a brilliant relationship with his parents, and is far closer to them than I am with my mum, and I felt that a daughter would grow up embarrassed of me and distant with me. I'm yet to see if that happens but I am just trying to be as responsive and patient as possible (and enjoy her current stage as much as I can before the teenage girl stage, which still terrifies me)! She's only a toddler but so far she is much more like her dad than like me (very adventurous and energetic, while I used to sit still and play/read as a child), so I don't think the sex of the child determines which parent they take after.

You mention wanting to bring up a daughter better than you were brought up, so I wonder if you might be interested in Philippa Perry's book 'the book you wish your parents had read', it talks about how children are affected by their parents all through their lives, especially when they become parents themselves