When will I start enjoying my baby??

[Maddy06]

I am a first time mum to a 6 week old girl - and am gutted to find that I'm not enjoying the whole experience at all!! I also feel horribly guilty about this. She is quiet when feeding and sleeping, but if awake she is invariably crying. Is this normal? Will it stop? Can anyone offer me some hope?? I thought we'd be having at least a few happy times making eye contact and bonding, but if she's always got her eyes shut while she's wailing how can this happen?! And the books say she might be smiling by this age, but if she is always miserable it doesn't seem likely! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore her, but I feel like she is so unhappy and I can't make her better. I don't expect motherhood to be easy, but I'm shocked by how little of it is enjoyable so far. Help!!

Ohmaddy,so sorry you're having a rough time.
It will get better,I promise.
I found the first few months of my dd's life horrid and tense and scary.I was actually afraid of her alot of the time.
It got better,a lot better but when pg again ,I wasworried it woud be the same.
It wasn't. My ds was adelightful angel from the word go.

Millionsof us feel.have felt the same.
Take it easy,don't expect too much (hell,don't expect anything) from yourself and take up every offer of help that comes your way.

The first 6 weeks are horrible - please try not to worry and definitely don't feel guilty - it's a living hell at the moment for you... She'll start smiling and stop wailing soon hopefully - I found things did get better after 6 weeks, and then much better after 12! The worse thing is every day feels like a million years at this stage... Ds2 turned from a screaming horrible monster to a happy, giggly baby when we weaned him (early - at 14 weeks - we were desperate!), so things will slowly but surely get better. Just hang in there and try your best to get out of the house, even for walks round the block - especially now we're seeing a bit of sunshine, because that will help, and keep singing and reading to her and all that, so you're still communicating with her even if you feel lousy (this was my coping strategy anyway - I remember singing Kylie songs until I was blue in the face just to keep sane - although maybe that isn't sane at all?!).

Hello Maddy!

I remember feeling overwhelmed and stressed out and my 1st didnt cry much at all, but when he did I instantly thought I was doing something terribly wrong!

We are so close now I can't believe I ever felt like that.

I have a 12 day old daughter now also and it has made me realise that in essence I have just bought a complete stranger into my home to live with us and that it will take time for us to get to know each other.... just treat it like an adventure, trying to work out what your baby is telling you... you will find if you do this you and your baby are much better bonded than you first realise.

FAR too early

4 months at the earliest to start enjoying baby

Now she is the devil in pink bootees

but by 6 months she will be yummy

same here as i remember when my DD was 3 weeks old and i was bored and wanted to go back to work as all it was feeding, sleeping and changing nappies oh and cleaning and making bottles... but once DD was 5 mths old i started to enjoy it

so yes it is normal

I agree with dotty... singing is great, I found it really hard for the first few months to talk to DS, he was just a doll that moved! lol... singing keeps you relaxed and doesnt sound too hysterical even when we are crying our hearts out.

DS's favourite is "you are my sunshine" still calms him down if he is poorly and he is 16months.

I sing sweet child of mine to my beautiful blue eyed DD. It can be something special between the two of you that you can remind your baby of when they have their own, a kind of tradition.

I sound like a right sentimental old bint! apologies!

Oh God - lots of memories of singing "Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh "etc. to both ds's in a manic-type tone when they were howling away - more to keep me calm than then! Then it was Kylie in the middle of the night - or the last song I'd heard on radio 2 (ahem), then every song I could think of with ds2 - and he's turned out to be very musical - doesn't stop singing now from dawn to dusk!! They were scary horrible times though in the early weeks, when you just want to run away or give them away or something...

i even howl walking on the street and people gives me strange looks!! - i dont care as im happy singing to my darling DD

wine is great, too.

Another vote for cranial osteopathy. It changed my dd overnight, like the other have said. Ask your HV to recomment one.

On another note, are you getting out much with your baby? Just meeting someone else for a coffee or even walking to the post office each day can make all the difference.

I remember coming up for air (so to speak) at about 2 months. When they do start to smile it appears to be your reward for not murdering them so far!

You sound totally normal to me and so does your baby. My baby cried lots (we put much of this down to colic). He had such severe colic that he was admitted to hospital once. A very experienced peadatricion told me that when he got 3 months there would e a bring improvement - and there was.

As for the rest of it. Young babies can be bloody hard work and your life changing so radically coupled with not feeling like you know what you doing.... For me 'enjoying' my baby happened gradually. You will have good days and bad days but every day you get more experience and will find 'your way'. At the same time, your baby will grow and change every day and one day (in the not to distant future) she will give you that first, gorgeous smile. (My DS was a late smiler but he's the smiliest if babies now!). It will help allot when you can 'interact' more.

The strange thing about being a mum is that your baby is so many different babies, one replacing the next and the next and the next. As difficult as the early weeks are, they are just the blink of an eye and you'll probably end up as nostagic about them as I am now my DS has just turned one.

Summers on the way. She'll turn three months soon. The crying and colic will improve vastly by then and will be constantly improving all the time(if not dissapear) she'll be smiling and laughing before you know it. If you dont already do so, try to go to baby groups as they help lots.

Remember babies are emotional beings not rational beings and just loving her (which you obviously do) is all you need to do.

Just hang in there a little longer for when she starts smiling - it's such a big change, and is the start of getting a little 'back' for all the hard slog....

My DS was very colicky and it is the hardest thing, to hold your crying baby and not be able to comfort them...however after 8 weeks this simply stopped, and he became a dream baby, just crying for his feeds and being content the rest of the time...all these changes give you little windows of calm and contentment, and then the enjoyment can start!

keep going, you're doing a grand job!

I found plenty of long walks, and dancing with DS on shoulder while listening to Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin helped me to get through the first few months. Its generally all change at 3 months - the daytime sleeping get better too.

No one really tells you how hard brand new babies are - and it seems very difficult to love them when you get nothing back and your body is all messed up from the birth. And the older they get, the better they are - DS is 19mnths and I love him so much it hurts. Except when he gets up at 5am

I agree, long walks (also help baby sleep better)and lots of singing, also learning and reciting nursery rhymes were ways to get through the early weeks, months.. I also sat in cafes when baby was sleeping just to see smg of the world outside the home! You could also put your baby to sleep in the garden if possible.
I was so pleased when mine grew up and started talking and being independent. Babies are vastly overated in my opinion, just hold on in there a while. You will enjoy motherhood more and more as your DD grows.

I didn't "enjoy" ds until he was nearly 6 months old. He had evil colic, I failed to breastfeed & I was just so tired all the time that I hated it.
Don't panic or worry that you are not bonding, this crying phase passes - just like all the others do too. I promise it will get better.

I have a vivid memory of driving along in my car when my first dd was about 3 months old. I felt like a zombie and drove out in front of someone. The car nearly hit the side where my dd was sitting. I pulled over and picked her up out of the car seat and I realised then just how deeply I had fallen in love with her, despite the fact that I felt like shit most of the time.

The biggest boost for me was when she started to sleep through the night and I could feel rested. There was a lot of resentment there and stress which built up through not sleeping.

It takes time to fall in love, I think (for me at least). And if the person who you want to love keeps giving you stress, that makes it harder. You have just gone through a life changing experience, and it will take some getting used to - 6 weeks is not long - if you emigrated to Australia you would expect it to take a while to become accustomed to life there. You probably feel a bit disillusioned at the moment. Babies are more responsive as they get older - when first born they are feeding machines!! 18 months was my favourite time.

You will get there, but it takes time - I wish you the very best.

Took me a while too. It's a very very difficult time for many women. I'm about to head in to baby no2 and this time I'm prepared that I will feel this way until DS2 is a little older. At 6 months I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel and from then on it gets better and better....so fantastic in fact that I'm expecting No 2!

Don't feel guilty....see it as a mission for a while and know that your child will pay you back for your endurance many times over in laughs and cuddles as she grows.

Good luck!

Yes, reading these it's clear how much of a myth it is that we all fall in love with our babies from the moment we first look at them. How can you fall in love with a screaming unresponsive tyrant? And then after a couple of months just as you think you can't go on any more, all the flowers and balloons are gone, your partner's back working full-time and the reality of sleep deprivation starts to hit home, your baby smiles at you and then starts to coo and laugh and then suddenly everything starts to be worth it...

The first few months (esp the first couple) are really really hard work but it does get better. Another vote for cranio-osteopath btw.

Dont beat yourself up. Some babies are easier than others and its not your fault if you have a more 'demanding' baby. But when she starts giving you some feedback - smiling, cooing, laughter, all those horrid feelings just melt away.

Personally, I find the first year hard work and then month by month I seem to enjoy them more and more as they start to walk and talk - but thats me.

I hope you start to find some glimses of light between all the crying soon Maddy06. :)

Hi Maddy.

It does get better, and it is soooo hard in the first few weeks. I was exhausted when my ds was a newborn. People tell you that you'll be tired, but I don't think I was prepared for feeling exhausted to my bones! There were a few occasions when he would be wailing and the dog would be barking and I'd be leaning on the pram handle crying my eyes out and saying 'what have I done???' He was a bit of a colicky baby and cried for about 4 hours every day. It seemed to be worse in the evening, and soemtimes my sister in law came to walk him around for a bit to give me a break, but generally I was on my own cos my dh was busy at work and therefore couldn't help me. It was really tough, and I'm sorry you're going through that at the moment, but remember that this is just a phase and that in the big scheme of things, 2 or 3 months is no time at all. BTW I found that Infacol seemed to help him, it might be worth a try, but it does take a few days to have any real effect (if it IS colic that's making her unhappy).

WHen people ask me how I'm finding motherhood, I tell them it's the hardest job I've ever done in my life. But it is the most rewarding too. Just accept that you'll be very tired for th enext few weeks and that soon she'll be able to interact with you in some way and your heart will probably melt. And don't worry too much about those milestones in books, all of our lovely babies are indivduals, they do things in their own time.

And if it's any consolation a doctor told my friend that a constantly crying baby is a sign of high intelligence.

Mine should go far then!

Let me tell you a story........

I could have written your post and I really wish I had found MN when my 1st son was born 5 yrs ago. Even now, everyone who knew him as a small baby say they never met a baby would cried quite as much. If he wasn't feeding or asleep, he really was crying. I found it a total fallacy that nborn babies sleep all the time because he NEVER slept during the day unless out in the buggy. (Was okay at night). I moved to a differnet city with mad baby when he was 6 wks, where I knew no one and headed straight for a bout of PND which didn't really lift unti I had the next baby when 1st son was 22months.

I know how endless the days can be. What do you do with a sml baby who can do nothing but cry? When I look back now I realise he MUST have been tired because he never slept. If you can, take advantage of the weather, get out, get out and stay out as long as you can. Even if the baby cries its easier to cope with outside. HVs used to say to me to go to the groups etc and this might be an option but tbh mine cries so much I always just had to leave. If you can, get some help and try to get that help sort of penciled in - maybe a couple of hours every day or somethng, then in the midst of the crying you have something to look forward to.

I now have 3 kids, 5 and under, the youngest nearly 2. I had to have them this close because I think I had such a time with ds1 that if i didn't hve them quick i would never have had any more. I really feel my fear and depression from the shock of such a shocker of a baby is only lifting now - I really enjoy my kids now. But I really feel for you and those would be my few pieces of (not very good advice).

Sorry for going on and hope it gets better soon.

Keep going Maddy, it will defintely get better.

Make sure you get out & see other parents - is there a group run by your hospital or a local parent & baby group, or baby massage? I found it relly helped to see other Mums & to share experiences.

Good luck!

OOh and yeah all the HVs said lots of crying=intelligence. Well, I would have been happy with less crying, but he is a bright little thing. Not sure if thats much comfort tho!!!