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Parenting

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Original poster

Gaps between babies

27 replies

Boomerwang · 12/01/2013 23:25

I'm sure this has been done over and over again so I apologise.

When is the best time to have another child? My daughter is 10 months old and I'm 33. I want to wait, but I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. I want her to have a sibling close in age, but I'm not sure why. I don't want to be having sleepless nights in two separate periods of my life, but I don't want to have them next to each other either.

How on earth do you truly figure out when the best time is?

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Original poster

Boomerwang · 12/01/2013 23:26

...and do I even want another child? Why? To even up the household?

OP posts:

JiltedJohnsJulie · 13/01/2013 10:10

I think purely for your own health 2 years is recommended.

RooneyMara · 13/01/2013 10:19

I know.

There is no right answer. seriously.

I have a 4 year gap then a 5 1/2 year gap. In hindsight I could never have coped with two close in age, I needed the elder one to be able to cope a little like get himself a drink etc when I was changing a nappy...

I now have a very helpful 9yo and a 10 day old baby though

it's worked out well

but they are into vastly different things, all of them. Which is hard.

Interested in this thread?

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TippiShagpile · 13/01/2013 10:22

I agree. There's no right answer.

I have a year exactly between my two children and although it was incerdibly hard at first it's a breeze now.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 13/01/2013 10:24

It is.a decision only you.can make.

There are seven years between me.and my sister. It was like we had two.separate childhoods. However we are very close now and.never bickered when we were younger (as we were into.such.vastly different things).

In an ideal world, my DC2 will be born the year DD (currently one) goes into full time school as I would like DC2 to have as much one-on-one time as possible as DD had that. Obviously it's not that easy to control but it is what we are aiming for

tiddleypompom · 13/01/2013 10:33

There will be 17mnths between my two - DS currently 15.5 months & dc2 due end Feb. I am 34yrs. Can't say if it's a good age gap as yet, but those with similar say the kids grow up with similar interests & are close friends. For DH & I it was a conscious decision to deal with baby phases in a shorter period of time - we have lots of support nearby in form of parents to help with difficult early weeks/months.

Second pregnancy harder as have wriggly (and heavy) toddler to carry - though he is at least walking now.

There have been lots of threads discussing this - worth a search. Most conclude by saying there isn't a 'perfect' gap - just the best for you & your family.

PuffPants · 13/01/2013 10:57

Unless you are knocking on a bit and time is of the essence then I think a longer gap is probably easier on the parents. My friends with a gap of 2 yrs or less seem to struggle and life is all about surviving from one day to the next. This wouldn't suit my nature at all. I wanted 3 yrs minimum to avoid a double buggy, two in nappies and two at home all day. As it happens, it's going to be 3.7 yrs. Hopefully number 1 will be settled into a nursery routine which will give me some quality time with number 2 and he will have a bit more understanding of things. I want to savour DC2 rather than slotting him/her in.

As for the sleepless nights thing, personally I wanted a break in between. I wanted to get us back on an even keel, start getting a sense if myself back, enjoy my toddler without being pregnant again - and all that brings.

I don't think it makes a scrap of difference to the children or their relationship. Some siblings will get along, some won't. The parents themselves usually have a lot to do with this. I know siblings a decade apart who are incredibly close and others 18 months apart who loathe each other.

I suppose the readiness of the mother is ultimately the most important factor. Go with your instinct.

RillaBlythe · 13/01/2013 11:08

I have a 3.3 year gap. I can't speak as to their long term relationship but so far it's a gap I really like. I think two closer together would have broken us (also, any closer together would have meant a second arriving during a backpacking trip round India/medical school finals/relocating cities) - our spacing is the closest possible what with life interfering.

My DP has 18 months between him & his sister, & they are close - less so now that they are both partnered & living a long way away from each other. I am equally close to my brother who is 5 years younger (there is another brother in between us, we were spaced at 2.5 year gaps). One friend doesn't speak to the sister who is 18 months younger than her. Personality has an awful lot to do with it in the long run.

Knittingnovice · 13/01/2013 12:00

I have 20 months between DS and DD and will have 3yrs 2months between DD and DC3. I found 2 under 2 hard work, but looking at the enormous train set they have built this morning around the house and how quiet they have been it is lovely now.
When DC3 arrives DS will be at school ( he started in September) and DD will be at preschool 3 mornings and the CM one day a week so I'll have time with DS & new baby, DD and new baby and new baby on its own. Which I hope will be lovely.

lorisparkle · 13/01/2013 12:23

I think it all depends on what you want.I wanted smallish gaps so they would be 'into ' similar things, I could get all the baby stuff, sleeplessness nights, maternity leave etc over in a short period. however others prefer a bigger gap to be able to recover from baby stuff between children, have a more independent older DC and have more time with younger DC because older DC is are school. in all cases there are pros and cons and you just get on with what you have got. you have also got to consider that dc2 may not be as easy to conceive. a few of my friends have a much bigger gap than planned due to this.

TippiShagpile · 13/01/2013 14:40

It's very easy to concentrate on the baby years. Yes, those are hard with a very small age gap but they really don't last long. I think i have a much easier time of it now (they are 7 and 8) than my friends who have a big gap. they do so much together, have similar interests and are great friends.

A real delight.

redwellybluewelly · 13/01/2013 18:16

I will have 34 months between dd and this bump (due in june) and there were several factors in our decision.

The first was my age and the increased risks of the complications in my first pg recurring as I got older (I'll be 35 when this bump arrives). Another factor is that I'm currently part way through a funded contract with maternity pay, when that post finishes I'll have to work a while in another role before qualifying.

Watching my peer group have children it seems that a bigger age gap is easier when they are younger but a smaller age gap easier when they are older. However personalities play a huge part in how siblings form relationships and parents play a role in how siblings feel about each other. You only have to look at the stately homes thread to see some common errors regardless of age gaps.

Original poster

Boomerwang · 14/01/2013 10:24

I'm on the older side so I'd like to have another soon, however listening to my daughter shriek and cry for attention all the time is putting me off. I don't want a double buggy issue and when I was pregnant with my daughter I was exhausted all the time and feeling sick for the first three months so I don't think I'd be able to cope with her whilst feeling that way.

Thank you for all your help. I swing from one way to the other on an almost daily basis and it's confusing me. Your input has helped me realise that there is no perfect time frame.

Interestingly, my boyfriend used to say 'two years' and now he's saying 'three'. I'm not at all worried about having an accident because he hasn't touched me since she was two months old. Maybe I won't have that choice after all.

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Yemenite · 14/01/2013 10:51

I think having a second child is a very personal thing. We are under a lot of pressure to produce another - as soon as your first child hits 2 or gasp 3, the first thing people seem to say is: Ooh time for a little brother or sister!
But you do not have to have another child. Not until YOU are ready. No matter how much you may want a sibling for your first child, or how much your OH wants one - at the end of the day it is YOU who has to be pregnant and give birth and deal with a newborn and a toddler etc etc.
Personally I would have a very looooong gap between my kids, if at all. I have an almost 4 year old, I am almost 40 and apart from a wee wobble about my son being an only child, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to have another.
If you want to have your kids one after the other, or with a 12 year gap is entirely up to you and how you feel. And only YOU will know that.

Original poster

Boomerwang · 14/01/2013 11:56

Sorry, I shouldn't have added that last bit >

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toosoppyforwords · 14/01/2013 13:18

I'm afraid the answer is whatever is right for you and your family!

There is 16mths between my 2. They are now 6 and 4 and half and i have to say on my own experience they do get on brilliantly and play together and are very close.
The first few months were hard but after that i didn;t find it more difficult than just having the one (but did make sure i got into a routine!) and now in many ways it is easier than a big age gap. I personally would not have been able to go back to the baby stage if i had say a 5 year old

What works for one wont work for the other so only you will know!

toosoppyforwords · 14/01/2013 13:22

PS i dont think its necessarily about one being easier than they other situation - they are just different.

stinkingbishop · 14/01/2013 13:24

There's 18 years between my DS and my twin DDs! I wouldn't quite go that far, if you have any say in the matter, not least because my son was slightly put out that their due date was his 18th and I had the WEIRDNESS of him wanting to come to the birth (thankfully dissuaded him)...though he does make a brilliant extra pair of hands at bath time.

Seriously though, I think 2.5/3 is perfect as then you're not juggling two babies at once, which I am, but they're still close enough that they can play. Or at least the younger one can try to tag along/get hit a lot...

toosoppyforwords · 14/01/2013 13:25

in regards to your last point OP is there another problem also? Is it just tiredness on both your behalf, does this make you feel unloved or are you ok with it? Dont want to derail your thread but it is quite common for couples to take ages to get back into anything considered a 'normal' sexlife after a baby.
Are you worried its something else?
You dont have to answer of course but maybe people can offer some advice/reassurance etc

Original poster

Boomerwang · 14/01/2013 13:32

Well it used to be about stress for me but I am less stressed now. Perhaps my boyfriend isn't. I've tried to approach the subject before but he doesn't seem to have an answer. I'm sure if I jumped on him he wouldn't say no, but he makes no effort himself and I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. He doesn't find me attractive any more and I'm not sure he ever did, tbh. He wanted a baby so badly and so did I, now it feels like he got his baby he's not interested any more.

OP posts:

IceNoSlice · 14/01/2013 13:34

Interesting.

To pick up on the health point - why is it better to have 2 years between children? Is it to do with bone density, recovery from birth, long term implications? Can anyone recommend a good source of further info in this? Thanks

JiltedJohnsJulie · 14/01/2013 20:33

The politics of bfing discusses it upto a point. I think all the thing you mention are factors plus anaemia and risk of maternal death, although thankfully not such a risk in this country

Fuzzymum1 · 15/01/2013 14:52

I have big gaps - 4 years and 9 years - my kids are currently 19, 15 and 6 and I love it. I am not the sort of person who does well with juggling two small children and I have really enjoyed having more time for each child when they are little as the previous sibling was a pre-school/school before they were born. One of my best friends had all four of her children in between my last two :D

Pudgy2011 · 15/01/2013 15:52

There are exactly 2 years between my sister and I and we are incredibly close and always have been and I always thought it was the perfect gap, however I currently have a 15 month old DS and I think I'm going to leave it another year until he's 3.

As a family we've had a hell of a few years and I really want some time just the 3 of us, go on a few holidays and make some good memories. DS is in daycare full time but I'd like to get him out of nappies before having another one in them! A lot of people have said they want to get the baby years over and done with but I loved it so much and I really want to be able to enjoy the next one fully and not feel like I'm taking away from DS1.

That being said, I'm broody all the time, but it will be best for our family to have another year until we start trying again.

The "right" age gap is the one that works for you and your family alone.

Original poster

Boomerwang · 16/01/2013 01:57

I'm broody all the time too. Every time I see my brother's new baby I start clucking. In fact, I rarely think about it unless I see a newborn.

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