Please help me be less angry with DD (long, sorry)

[LoopsInHoops]

I have two DDs - older is 3.6, younger is 1.6.

I seem to have all the patience in the world for the younger one, but not the older. It's not a favourites thing at all, I think it's that older DD should understand what's going on, and I know younger one doesn't. I am definitely finding myself being far too hard on her far too often. If the little one hits her, I make sure I tell her off, but she is frequently very physical with her little sister - pushing, dragging, and generally being very bossy, so I tell her off a lot more, and get cross quicker. I'm sure it seems/is one sided. I don't want her to grow up thinking I don't like her. :(

For example, I was just putting them to bed (not in UK). DH has been in hospital for 2 days so it's more of a struggle than it usually would be - normally we tag team with both girls - bath, stories etc, and obviously I'm shattered too. DH is a SAHD so knows the girls' routines better - younger DD struggles to settle with me - he has an intricate pattern of stories, kissing toys, waving, lights on, off, faff faff that I haven't got the hang of, so she's been a nightmare to get to sleep.

So, tonight went like this:
dinner
little DD in bath, older one watching Dora
older in bath, little getting dressed/stories
older getting dry, little sitting in cot
older reading / playing nicely, little finishing stories
little one down, grumbling
me doing stories with older (lovely), little one crying (stressful)
older doing teeth, making too much noise, I tried my hardest to shh and grit teeth
I ask older to quietly sit in bed and read before I do her song so I can calm little one, she refuses, I end up doing v quick song to keep peace
I settle little DD. Just as she falls asleep, older one starts screeching and banging on wall (connecting two DDs rooms)
This is what I feel guilty for. I went in, told her in a horrible, growly voice that I would close the door and not give her a cuddle if she didn't stop making noise. She said "I just want a cuddle" and flung her head onto her pillow sobbing. Little DD is screaming by this point. I growl again "no cuddles if you make noise. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" She sobs "yes"
I get little one to sleep (sort of). Go to see older one and give her cuddles. Tell her she's been a really good girl for staying quiet this second time. She tells me that she cried, got her dolly to give her a cuddle instead, and was very sad. :( I apologised for shouting and for being cross. She was very quiet with her head down. :( Then we had cuddles and she was laughing and happy.

I just hate the way that I get so cross with her. She's only 3. :( How can I be a better mother / person? :(

Sorry for the mixed tenses. I'm so cross with myself and feel so guilty.

anyone please?

try not to feel guilty. A lot of this is down to their ages. I have a 4 and 6 year old and it's so much easier now. I also used to be way to hard on ds1 and feel terrible looking back, but I know I did my best

When does it get better?

And thank you so much for answering :)

Bloody hell I'd be cross too! Bedtime is stressful for me too and I hate it wen people make noise wen I just get lil ones off to sleep. I'll be in same boat as u swn too as I've got newborn and toddler so I don't have any advice but I'll be following the thread! By the way it doesn't sound like u've done any harm she does need to learn to wait without screaming for u to come to her and hopefully now she has? Give yourself a break u don't sound like a bad mum and well done for having a routine at all thats more than we have at the moment!

Sent too soon! Just remember that your older dd is still a baby herself and can't help a lot of her behavior. It's only when they are older you realize how little they were!

I have two girls, 4 and 6 and it is definitely easier now than when dd2 was a toddler.

Is the bedtime routine over complicated? Why not bath the two together, into pjs, stories, cuddles, little one into bed while older one plays, looks at a book etc and then back to her for a last story/cuddle once little one is asleep.

Urgh, they know how to press our buttons, don't they? I only have one, so don't have the tag team issues. However, I do think there are times when they have to learn to wait. You feel bad because she wanted a cuddle, if you'd spoken sharply to her because she was screeching, banging and asking for a toy, or sweets, you wouldn't feel so guilty.

DD yells from her room in the middle of the night "I just want a cuddle with my mummmeeeeee!" When I go in she hides under the duvet and shouts boo.

You praised her for being quiet, and she went to bed after a cuddle and a laugh. We can't be perfect all the time. (except me, obviously )

No advice but I have a nearly 1 year old and a 2.9 yo and have the same problems. It's very hard isn't it?

Well bedtimes with two little ones are stressful. They can be particularly waring if the kids are used to one on one time with one parent each, and you find you have to do it all by yourself. Really, don't get too upset about yesterday. You were doing your best under what sounds like difficult circumstances.

Three year olds can be very testing. You do have to treat them differently to one year olds. They are constantly pushing boundaries and by this stage, they really do need to learn that pushing / hitting etc is not OK. It's OK to correct this behaviour, often repeatedly. I think the important bit is also trying to spend some time with your 3yo when you just hang out, having fun. It's a difficult balance. I'm not sure I always got it right.

As fattybum said, it does get better.

Can you bath them both together. Then change together , ten either bed together or let eldest watch her Dora then whilst you sort youngest. Then youngest is asleep an you can spend elder dd bedtime alone just you and her.

Put both girls in the bath together, brushing teeth together, dressing at the same time, story time all in one bed (yours?) one story per child that they chose, sing song and bed. If the big one goes to bed a bit later you could used pepa pig while you put the little one to sleep, then time for the big one (she can even have one more bed time story).

I know it is not your chosen routine but it is much less faff. Why do they have to be separated? It might work when 2 parents provide a bit of 1to1 time, but not if you are alone.
They might need more reassurance with your DH being in hospital. They are probably stressed and worried too, especially the big one who can understand some of it.
Try to forget last night and don't feel guilty it must be stressful.
Hope your DH is better soon.

Thank yu all so much.

Unfortunately they can't be bathed together - we don't have a bath so we bought a large plastic tub (big washing up bowl basically) and they are now too big to go together without fighting.

They are stressed about DH. He's always with them, and they have both suffered a bit. The little one keeps crying for him and the bigger one asks a lot of questions. Not sure why but he showed her his wound in hospital yesterday and I think it's freaked her out a bit.

They are both fast asleep now, I'm going to have a glass of wine. DH on his way home (hospital faffing about discharging him, he;s expected home at midnight, which strikes me as bloody stupid).

The next few days are realistically going to be worse. He'll be here, but unable to do anything, which the kids just won't understand. Plus he'll need me too. Hey ho, better step up to the mark!

On day 3 of giving up smoking, so I'm giving myself the benefit of the doubt a little. I don't think I'm always a nasty growly mummy.

Thank you all. :)

I don't have a bath, we bought a plug for the shower tray and my 7 and 2 yo "bath" together in it with limited fighting (if supervised).

Try to have a good night sleep yourself! (have a nap before your DH gets home?) Discharged at night ...

I remember when my 2 were little. When I was stressed, I wanted to do x but one of the dcs was doing x that was making everything much much harder....

My experience is:

• You need to remember constantly that your dd1 is still very very young. I know it doesn't look like this for you because you compare her to your dd2 and she looks so grown up. But she isn't. Think about her as a little baby still, a bit more able but a baby.
• You aren't use to do this routine, let alone doing it on your own. This is bound to be hard.
• It seems that your DH has developed a complex system to put the dc in bed. It's not right that he is more or less the only one who can put your dd2 in bed. You would all (your dds incl) be better off in a system where you can both out either dd in bed wo any issue . You need to learn his 'routine' and perhaps develop a new one that you can both do (Also if it's that complicated, he might enjoy doing something simpler anyway)
• Don't be fooled that your DH is bound to know your dds better than you. It's not because you are working and he is not that you shouldn't know your dds as well. Communication, involvement, you taking a bigger part in child-related activities should help you feel that you know your dds and help you be equally involved.
• Finally, your anger isn't about being angry at her, it's about you not feeling in control. Which comes down to you being able to do all the parenting stuff with nearly as much ease as your DH.

So in short, spend some time with your dds, enjoy being with them. Don't compare yourself to your DH, how he does things. Do them your way and get a feel of what is working/not working for them yourself. And you will be fine :)

Sorry x post.

In the next few days, give yourself some slack. Stopping smoking on the top of it is certainly making things harder too. (But good on you to do it!!)

"On day 3 of giving up smoking"

Ha! That's the hardest day. I'd like to see anyone do a better job than you did under the circumstances. You're being too hard on yourself. Everyone has good and bad days but the stress of giving up smoking and your DH being in hospital would cause even the most reasonable parent to lose their rag a bit at bed time.

Things will get better :)

Maybe say to DD1 that 'cos she's older she can go to bed a little later than DD2 if she's quiet and then take her downstairs for a 'special' story or a short DVD or anything that makes her feel special so more quiet IFYSWIM.

Our DM did that with me and DS when DB was tiny and it helped our self esteem .

Thank you all so much.

Shower is a wet room type thing, no plug possible.

I say I'm on day 3 of giving up - I'm taking Champix so totally cheating. Going well though.

A simpler bed routine would be brilliant. We can't have anyone to babysit because they won't go to sleep, so an excellent goal would be to make it simpler and less specific. We had our first evening meal out for over 6 months last week (after they went to bed, of course!) Would be amazing to do a bit more of that.

Maybe we're being precious? Hmmmmm...

With my other half a shift worker my suggestion would be get them clean and in pjs however works for you then - Both on the sofa for night time stories. Give them one book each - they pick (you can suggest). Then oldest in her bedroom for her special light on time when she can look at stories and cuddle /arrange her teddies in her bed whilst you settle youngest. Then cuddles and light off for eldest.

On behaviour just try and be consistent. Reward charts work for us. Try and have time where you have to play with your eldest, as chosen by her and led by her for a set time. She's now having less quality time with you - not because you're letting her down in any way at all, just because your youngest is now at a more curious stage. It's natural but not an easy transition for her and therefore you.

Honestly you'll look back in a couple of years and think how young your youngest is at 3!

Good luck. It was a bit of a blur for me, but I'm now out the other side too. However, I do recall quite a few conversations about "even when you do something naughty and even when I'm cross, I still love you more than anything in the world and nothing will ever change that".

PS. If you're having a bad day then fresh air always makes things better!

Got to be completely honest - I don't think what you've described of your parenting is all that bad!

Yes, you growled at DD1. Not ideal.

But look at the positives. Sounds to me like she needed some reaction from you to demonstrate the seriousness of her behaviour and I think that at 3.6 years old she is old enough to understand the consequences of banging on DD2's walls as DD2 is dropping off to sleep.

You then praised her for good behaviour, cuddled her, and sent her off to sleep happy and smiling.

Doesn't sound too bad to me.

It is a big step to acknowledge that you know it is somehow not right.

Firstly, it is very hard having two kids this young.

It is normal to have slightly too High expectations of the older child. i used to. And with hindsight I would be shocked at how much I expected of Ds1 when he was still so little.

So it is good what you are doing, to stop in your tracks, and wonder what you could improve.

I think a slightly older child really benefits from some one-on-one attention when the baby sleeps, and to feel there are moments when your undivided attentin is theirs, and they are listened to.

It gets better, it is a hard phase especially if other things are going on! Like your DH being in hospital. Don t be too hard on yourself.

Will definitely try some more one on one time with her. Not easy, especially with DH not able to take little DD, but will make a concerted effort.

Will also discuss the bedtime story bit with him too. Thanks