I have two DDs - older is 3.6, younger is 1.6.
I seem to have all the patience in the world for the younger one, but not the older. It's not a favourites thing at all, I think it's that older DD should understand what's going on, and I know younger one doesn't. I am definitely finding myself being far too hard on her far too often. If the little one hits her, I make sure I tell her off, but she is frequently very physical with her little sister - pushing, dragging, and generally being very bossy, so I tell her off a lot more, and get cross quicker. I'm sure it seems/is one sided. I don't want her to grow up thinking I don't like her. :(
For example, I was just putting them to bed (not in UK). DH has been in hospital for 2 days so it's more of a struggle than it usually would be - normally we tag team with both girls - bath, stories etc, and obviously I'm shattered too. DH is a SAHD so knows the girls' routines better - younger DD struggles to settle with me - he has an intricate pattern of stories, kissing toys, waving, lights on, off, faff faff that I haven't got the hang of, so she's been a nightmare to get to sleep.
So, tonight went like this:
dinner
little DD in bath, older one watching Dora
older in bath, little getting dressed/stories
older getting dry, little sitting in cot
older reading / playing nicely, little finishing stories
little one down, grumbling
me doing stories with older (lovely), little one crying (stressful)
older doing teeth, making too much noise, I tried my hardest to shh and grit teeth
I ask older to quietly sit in bed and read before I do her song so I can calm little one, she refuses, I end up doing v quick song to keep peace
I settle little DD. Just as she falls asleep, older one starts screeching and banging on wall (connecting two DDs rooms)
This is what I feel guilty for. I went in, told her in a horrible, growly voice that I would close the door and not give her a cuddle if she didn't stop making noise. She said "I just want a cuddle" and flung her head onto her pillow sobbing. Little DD is screaming by this point. I growl again "no cuddles if you make noise. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" She sobs "yes"
I get little one to sleep (sort of). Go to see older one and give her cuddles. Tell her she's been a really good girl for staying quiet this second time. She tells me that she cried, got her dolly to give her a cuddle instead, and was very sad. :( I apologised for shouting and for being cross. She was very quiet with her head down. :( Then we had cuddles and she was laughing and happy.
I just hate the way that I get so cross with her. She's only 3. :( How can I be a better mother / person? :(
Sorry for the mixed tenses. I'm so cross with myself and feel so guilty.