DS wanted me to check if I am being mean

[yawningmonster]

If your children are capable of doing the following....
get their own drink
get something out of fruit bowl to eat
walk down to bedroom to collect a wanted item
put a cd or dvd on
do you expect them to or do you do it for them?
I am happy to pour ds a drink if I am in the kitchen and ditto any of the other things if I am actually close to said item then I haven't got a problem with doing it.
Currently (keep in mind ds does have some special needs but as I said he is completely capable of doing all of the above) ds will holler for me to come to him and then demand I do something like those on the list. "MMMUUUUMMM!!! (I am at other end of house) I walk up the hallway and say "Yes DS" "Drink". "Yes, Ds you can have a drink" "You get it" "You are able to get it DS "MASSIVE MELTDOWN..."You are right there, other parents do things for their children, it's not fair, I'm thirsty, PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!

So are my expectations too high or are his?
I do know that at times he gets overwhelmed which is why I am asking but getting me to do things for him is his default setting so hard to know when he is all tapped out and can't perceive his own ability to do it or when he is just milking it.

My god you're not a house elf!

How old is he?

How old is he?

My 3.6 year old can do all of that except getting a drink and I won't do them for him unless, as you say, it is convenient to me or I am already doing something similar.

I purposely didn't put his age as I wanted to see what people said.
As I said he does have some special needs which puts him behind his chronological age by about 2 years. That said his is still developmentally older than Tee2072Thing's child.

I think that if he is able to do all those things AND ask for our opinions, then he can and should be doing them himself.

M is for mum, not maid.

what is he doing when screaming for you to serve him? Because whatever he was doing would be packed up and put away for the day in this house if he made demands like that, especially with the attendant meltdown and the lack of the initial please.

Tapped out or not, I would not put up with that. And if "tapped out" means he is a tired lad, Id be adjusting his bedtime to allow for more sleep until he regained control of his legs.

You have/are making a rod for your own back.

Parents who do stuff for children that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves end up with thirty something grown men who are constantly bleating "mu_um, I want a cup of tea/mars bar" and are living at home unemployed.

Can you tell I've spent some time with the IL s?

No, your not being mean at all. You are teaching life skills.

You're not being mean! Even for things mine aren't able/allowed to do themselves, if they want my help they need to ask me politely, not holler demands at me. And that includes the youngest at 2.3!

Nope you are not being mean at all. You are a mum not servant!

Hark just to highlight I am not doing these for him!!! No rod making here...meltdowns are special needs related.

Married after his latest meltdown he said "Ask those mums you talk to. They will tell you that they look after their children!"

Sometimes I get clouded by the special needs aspect of things which is why I wanted to get mainstream opinion on this too.

I know on a SN front I am going to get the meltdowns and getting tapped out here means that life is a bit of a challenge for DS and he finds it all a bit much sometimes. When he gets overwhelmed he tends to regress somewhat.

I totally agree with the way he speaks to us, again that is somewhat to do with his special needs and we are working on this slowly and surely.

My 5 and 7 yr old will get their own drinks, dd1 will put microwave on and make hot chocolate for her and ds (3). Dd1 will take care of DVD as more likely to put her choice on dd2 is learning she needs to do this too so she gets her own way more. Dd1 never knowingly helps herself to any fruit and I tend to keep control over other food, but if I give them permission they can get biscuits down from biscuit cupboard, or for dd2/ds I might put it on the side.

Dd2 also loves to serve out plated meals (I don't discourage that), and the girls are expected to lay the table and clear their own plates away. This started when they were 4, although ds sometimes helps I won't expect him to until he is 4. Ds also will take clothes through to washing machine, but that is more because it is the only place I let him do his 'art attacks'. I still do lots of things for them, and would make drinks, snacks etc if I wasn't busy, but I do expect pleases and thank yous. They do seem incapable of tidying up after themselves though.

I can see having SN might make some things harder for your ds, and you are the best judge of his ability, however I would also think that as for him independent living in general may be harder it is important that he learns he has responsibilities as that will be expected if he is in group accomodation or in his own flat. The sooner the 'easy' things are part of his routine, he will find he can add other things.

thank you we3 that is a really helpful and non judgemental post. Much appreciated.

I think that I was in my thirties before my parents offered to get me a drink after I was capable of getting my own. Still find it odd for either of them to make me a drink.

Just ask him what his last servant died of and ignore!
If pressed just say 'yes I am a mean old mummy and one day you will thank me!'

It is absolutely right to expect him to do these things for himself you are being a good Mum by insisting on it. Part of being a parent is to prepare your child for life and to be independent. I would say that the next stage is at he should get you a drink too. Eventually everyone in the house will learn to look after themselves and each other. My three will all make me a cup of tea, the youngest is ten.

My DSs 8 & 7 can do all the things on your list themselves. They also set the table, put their clean clothes away, and feed the animals themselves. They will also dust & hoover for extra pocket money.

If im in the kitchen or around whatever they will ask me to do it and im happy to do so, the same if they are going upstairs and I want something they will (within reason) bring it down to me.

However I can see that the aspect of SN makes it harder for you. However I would have thought that teaching him life skills is important, and the sooner they become things he can do and does automatically the easier it will be for him in the long run. But I think you are the best judge of what you think he can / cannot do. For example DS1s friend has SN, and he also does the stuff on your list himself, except in the drink situation he has a jug of juice made up that he helps his mum to do in the morning, (has a line on where to get the water up to and then another line where to tip the juice in up to) because otherwise he struggles (at the moment) to get the water / juice mix right in a cup and getting it wrong results in a meltdown, and his mum has decided that its less hassle to have him make up a batch under her supervision every morning than deal with a number of meltdowns each day.

My DS is emotionally around 2/3 his chronological age. So when he was a physically large 5 and an emotional 3ish I started. He has an older sister which helped. She didn't help, but he saw her doing stuff.
The most useful thing I did was to fill one of my kitchen basket with plastic bowls, plates and glasses at his level, so he could get them unassisted.
His co ordination isn't brilliant, so I had a covered milk jug because I buy milk in 4l containers. I made it clear what sort of food he could help himself to (which he didn't always stick to because of sensory issues and greed) and made sure that it was easily accessible.
Then I stuck to my guns. DD used to raise the outraged alarm if she saw him doing something wrong, and there were a few spills. But it all worked out.

Once they get to the age that they are physically able to do these things for themselves, then it should be roughly the same rules as would apply to an adult. If I am standing next to the fruit bowl I'll pass an apple. If they ask really nicely, or if I'm going that way anyway I'll make drinks or whatever. Or if I feel like doing something nice for them. If they are engrossed in homework, I'll take them snacks. Just like one adult would do for another.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I wouldn't deloiberately make them do things for themselves to make a point, but I wouldn't automatically do it for them either. And I would expect anyone making a drink or getting a snack to offer to make for everyone else.

'The sooner the 'easy' things are part of his routine, he will find he can add other things.'

Very well said We3, DS is now 18 with AS and that has worked very well as a strategy. Do you have experience of SN? Because it reads as if you do.
We never tolerated rudeness or swearing from any member of the family either.

We have a rule that may help you. You want me you come find me, you scream or shout for me I don't answer. Well unless its a panicky scream like they've cut off their leg or something. It really helps in that no yelling happens and they are already up and coming to get you so going onto do the job is not such an issue as if you went to them.

Or it could just be about laziness, because one of the interesting puzzles about having a child with sn is picking out the behaviour driven by the sn from the usual being a PITA because you are a child.
Either way OP, you set the tone and the expectations. YANB a meanie, YAB a parent.
Which can sometimes appear to be the same thing in a child's opinion.

I think start with a rule that he never shouts for you to come to him. He comes to you and asks you for what he wants. I think he'll often find that it's easier just to do the job himself!